Previouslys. Patty tries to seduce Palmer, and Lady Mac is pulling the strings. Bride urges Mason to go through with the LittleTerrorBrother-for-Kiefer trade. TerrorHopper kills Milla Gueststarovna. Kiefer is freed, but Spawn is still in captivity.
L.A. freeways at night. The soundtrack sounds like Tangerine Dream meets Bartok. FATB and TerrorHopper are in one of the TerrorVans. FATB calls Kiefer -- who is in his own TerrorVan -- and tells him to drive to Palmer's suite. Apparently Palmer froze some assets of the Drazens, and FATB wants Kiefer to have the Senator unfreeze them. "So everything that happened today happened because of money?" says Kiefer ruefully. "I vouldn't say that," says FATB. He tells Kiefer that he will give him further instructions once the money transfer goes through. "What kind of instructions?" asks Kiefer. FATB refuses to answer. "You want me to take out Palmer!" says Kiefer. "Of course," says FATB. "That's vhy vee let you go. That's vhy vee hev your daughter." FATB promises to call Kiefer at 10:45 on the cell phone they gave him, and tells him that there will be serious consequences if Palmer doesn't answer.
The Palmer Suite. Palmer sits alone. Patty enters, still wearing that party dress and her short sprightly haircut. "You left the party early," she observes. Yeah, Patty. That's because they really couldn't afford to hold onto the extras for another week's shooting. They go over some travel plans -- Dallas is mentioned yet again -- and Patty asks if Palmer "needs anything else." The Secret Service guy posted at the door decides to leave the two of them alone together. Palmer tells Patty to sit down, and warns her that they might be headed for a "dangerous place." Patty apologizes for being so flirtatious, but admits that she's always been attracted to his Denzeliciousness. "Meet me in twenty minutes in Room 907," says Palmer, handing her a room key. Lady Mac bursts in -- still wearing the pink faux Chanel suit -- needing to talk to Palmer alone about something. Patty leaves to go make some fictitious "changes" to Palmer's schedule. Lady Mac sits down and informs Palmer that they'll be "stumping separately" for the few days. Uh, more like shtupping separately for the few days. She wants to take Li'l Lisa and Theo with her. "Unless you want them…" Palmer smirks and confesses to needing a few days alone. "Great," says Lady Mac in this really pointed, serious way.
Back at CTU, Nina and Mason sit in the Kiefer Kube and plan how to find TerrorHopper now that the TerrorMinions have shed the tracking device they planted on LittleTerrorBrother. Mason tells her to find some other Whatever Technology to track down the TerrorBrothers, like their spy satellite or some computer simulator. The phone rings. Mason takes the call on his speakerphone. It's Kiefer. He's free, but he can't come in just yet. At the sound of Kiefer's velvety but distorted voice, Nina lunges at the phone like Liza Minnelli at the pharmacist's counter. "Let us help you," pleads Mason. Kiefer hangs up. Mason and Nina konklude from Kiefer's kaginess that he's on his way to go kill Palmer. Mason calls Palmer's Secret Service detail to warn them.
Then the DrazenTerrorVan arrives at an abandoned dock, like the ones that are always haunted in Scooby Doo. FATB and TerrorHopper jump out of their TerrorVan and go into a warehouse, where GaggedSpawn is being held and LittleTerrorBrother is being attended to by a ForeignAccentedTerrorDoctor. ForeignAccentedTerrorDoctor explains that he cannot stop "zee internal bleeding." "Do not let him die!" says Hopper in a monotone. It's official, Hopper. You suck. I thought that maybe you needed a few "hours" to warm up and get going, so I withheld my disdain for a while, but I am hereby counting the seconds until you leave the cast of this show. If you wanted something to do to fill your empty days, why didn't you just adopt a retired greyhound or take a flower-arranging class with your friend Jack Nicholson? LittleTerrorBrother sees his father. His face lights up with Serbian Daddy Love. LTB removes his breathing apparatus from his mouth and, uh, dies. "I'm zorry," says ForeignAccentedTerrorDoctor. "Zere ees nuh-sing more I can doo." Spawn's face falls into sadness around her silvery duct tape gag. Does she sympathize with TerrorHopper's loss, or is she merely aware that she's going to experience some payback for LittleTerrorBrother's death? After some pathetic attempts to convey Eastern European grief, FATB gets angry and pulls out a gun with which to shoot Spawn. TerrorHopper stops him: "Not yet, vee still need her!" Spawn whimpers through her gag. FATB puts down the gun. Man, I cannot wait until this pathetic plotline resolves itself violently and I can stop pretending that it's going to lead anywhere meaningful. Just one and four-fifths of a recap to go until my summer begins. The time is 10:09:49 PM.
Tonight's episode has been brought to you by Taco Bell. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden Taco Bell stopped being my guilty pleasure this past month. For some reason, I've become newly obsessed with Kentucky Fried Chicken and their "Triple Crunch" sandwiches. I think it's because it consists of three boneless fried chicken components, which makes for more crispy surface area than your basic crispy chicken sandwich. Oh, and speaking of Taco Bell, Eli, my Chihuahua, was almost cast in a Samsung commercial the other day. It's true. My best friend Larry called me at work and told me that he'd just met this casting director who needed a small dog for a commercial. There was this toy poodle lined up originally, but nothing was confirmed and the trainers weren't returning this woman's phone calls all of a sudden. They weren't looking for a dog that was trained to do tricks or anything. They just wanted a dog who would sit quietly on an actor's lap and be really cute. Larry thought of Eli immediately because Eli is the quintessential lap dog. He doesn't just sit on someone's lap, he invades it. You can stand up and do cartwheels, and he'll still be curled up and stuck to your left thigh. Payment would be $100 per hour plus residuals. I told Larry to go ahead and make the deal. I got off the phone and started surfing the web in search of things I could buy with the money I had "made" tomorrow. Five minutes later, my phone rang again. It was Larry. The toy poodle finally called back. Eli was out. It was just as well, I philosophized later on. Benjamin, my Pomeranian, would have gotten jealous and there'd be this whole What Ever Happened To Baby Jane scene in my apartment for the entire summer.
The time is 10:14:02 PM. Klockwise from the top left, LittleTerrorBrother is still dead on a stretcher, Kiefer drives to Century City, Palmer reads something campaign-related, and Perky Patty primps by the elevator. Patty primps by the elevator…and primps some more. Gee, Patty, are you getting laid in a few minutes? Maybe this is how her hair got short all of a sudden. She just pulled out a hand mirror while waiting for the elevator and trimmed it herself. Lady Mac enters, sees her primping, and tells her Secret Service detail to leave them alone together. Patty tells her -- mid-primp -- that she's seeing Palmer that night. "He didn't waste any time huh?" says Lady Mac, with a mixture of triumph and sadness. Patty says that she feels uncomfortable about the whole thing. "Don't patronize me," says Lady Mac. "You feel uncomfortable…but not because you're ready to be with my husband. You feel uncomfortable because you're doing it with my knowledge and consent." Oh, I don't know. Maybe Patty just feels uncomfortable because Lady Mac's face is no more than two and a half inches from hers and she can smell the partially digested Caesar salad and Dubonnet from the party downstairs. Patty asks Lady Mac why she's doing this. Lady Mac explains that she needs to have her husband's full confidence -- confidence that she no longer has. Lady Mac? Haven't you read Machiavelli? Don't give away your motive so soon. "And you're okay with it?" asks Patty. "I never said I was okay with it," corrects Lady Mac. "I accept it because it's necessary." The elevator finally comes. "Your elevator's waiting," says Lady Mac.
Back at CTU, Nina is on the phone with Palmer's Secret Service detail, giving them advice about how to protect Palmer. Soul Patch swings by with an important red herring…I mean, "piece of information." He shows her a plan of the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave and explains that it was "tampered with." For some reason that escapes me, they determine that only a CTU insider could have done such a thing. "Do you think we're dealing with a second dirty agent?" asks Soul Patch. "Yeah," says Nina…and the rest of the viewing audience in unison. Soul Patch goes off to look for more information, and all of a sudden Mason appears in front of Nina in all of his Mole-Vision splendor. Nina lies about the nature of her recent conversation with Soul Patch, failing to mention their suspicions about a second dirty agent. That's because Mason is the mole. Oh, yeah. Without a doubt. A show like 24 would never just surprise you with the identity of a mole. No way. That would be too suspenseful. Mason's gotta be the mole, and you know he's the mole because he's been acting suspicious since the very first episode. They're setting it up carefully so that the viewers won't be surprised by Mason being the mole. Because he's the mole. It's gotta be him. There's not a plot twist coming up. No way. So just sit back and prepare yourself for the fact that Mason is the second dirty agent. He is. Oh, yeah. But there was another reason for Mason's visit to Nina's desk. He wants Nina to take care of Bride of Kiefer, who is being a "basket case." Nina agrees reluctantly to handle it, and saunters over to the Konfrontational Koffee room. "Have they done the trade?" asks Bride while pacing the room. Nina, choosing her words carefully, informs Bride that Kiefer is no longer a hostage. Bride asks where he is. Nina admits that she doesn't know, but divulges her suspicion that Kiefer is doing something for Drazen. "Why would he do anything for that man?" asks an inkredulous Bride. Nina is then forced to explain that Spawn is still a hostage and that's why she hasn't arrived at CTU yet. Bride loses her mind with grief.
A split screen reveals Spawn, no longer gagged, tied to a stool and watching as TerrorHopper takes a giant USSR-sized sip of bottled mineral water. He explains that Kiefer has been given a simple task to do. "Then will you let me go?" asks Spawn. "Vee vill see," says TerrorHopper after a really long pause. Oh, and finally someone comes to wheel away the gurney that contains LittleTerrorBrother's dead body.
Kiefer kalls Palmer from the TerrorVan and begs to see him right away. Palmer explains that he can't meet with him because his security detail advises against it. Kiefer admits that the Drazens have Spawn, but says he's not coming to harm Palmer in any way. The sweaty, velvety pleadings of Kiefer wear down Palmer's concern for his own safety. Plus, everyone knows that Kiefer always keeps his word. Kiefer explains that Drazen wants to talk to Palmer on an untraceable cell phone that is to be delivered by Kiefer. "You're asking a lot, Kiefer," says Palmer. Kiefer gives Palmer his velvety word once more that nothing will harm him. The Drazens just want to talk about some frozen assets. Palmer sighs. The time is 10:20:24 PM.
Is it me, or have there been a lot of truly loathsome people in car ads recently? First there's the twentysomethings who sing along to the Barenaked Ladies. Uh, Mitsubishi? Even Merrill Lynch securities analysts in their thirties have realized that the Barenaked Ladies aren't "what the kids are listening to" anymore. Jason Priestley made a documentary about them two years ago and that was pretty much the death knell. And then there's free-form hand-jive girl in that other car commercial. You know, the one who looks like a teenage Shelley Duvall and "dances" with her hands to the amazement of her fellow passengers, including the driver? I keep waiting for her to poke the eye of the guy who's driving and send the car spiraling off a cliff. But watch. She'd totally survive the crash, and even though she'd be paralyzed from the neck down, she'd still "dance" with her face. On Oprah.
The time is 10:24:48 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer keeps driving to Palmerville, Palmer sits and thinks, Bride paces and panics, and Spawn sucks on her lower lip. Palmer straightens his tie while sitting on the bed in Room 907. Patty enters. "Did anyone see you come up?" asks Palmer. Patty klaims that she was kareful. She sits down. Palmer says he has something to tell her. Patty's lips -- highlighted by half a centimeter of raisin-colored lip liner -- undulate with expectant sexuality. Her eyes sparkle like two rare sapphires. "You're fired," says Palmer. Somehow he found out about his wife's plan. He tells Patty to pack her things and not to bother asking for a reference. Patty apologizes and explains that Lady Mac put her up to everything. "She can be pretty scary sometimes," she says. Heh. "So can I," says Palmer, putting on his jacket and leaving the room. Aw, Patty!
Back at CTU, Soul Patch signals for Nina to come over and look at something on his computer. Soul Patch explains that six people had access to the archives of the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave. The first five, he explains, were just doing scheduled back-ups. The sixth one was Mason. Dun dun dun! Oh, and when he says this, Mason's picture pops up on the screen to illustrate that Mason is the sixth guy who had access to the LDPK archives. You know, just in case there are CTU computer people who can't read, the software is designed to show you a picture of the person in question. "Xander is the mole?" exclaims Nina. The camera moles over to the Kiefer Kube, where a mole-like Xander is talking on the phone with a really mole-evolent expression on his face. According to Soul Patch, Xander was nosing around those archives over four days ago. They debate whether or not to call Chappelle, but ultimately decide just to shut down Xander's network access. Hey, didn't they need someone like Milo or Jamey to do something like that? Oh, never mind.
The time is 10:27:48 PM. In the Palmer Suite, Lady Mac is removing her make-up, brushing her hair, and getting ready for bed. She looks just like Diana Ross in that scene in Mahogany after she pours wax all over herself at the crazy Italian party the night before and she wakes up looking like shit and kicks Billy Dee Williams out of her Milan flat. Palmer enters and tells her that he was just in Room 907 with Patty. Lady Mac pretends to act surprised, and Palmer tells her to save it. "I fired her," he says. Lady Mac applies underarm deodorant -- for bed? -- and tells Palmer that she was only trying to "help" him. "By putting another woman in my bed?" kounters Palmer. Lady Mac explains that she's as much a part of Palmer's success as Palmer is, and that she needed assurance that she'd be moving into the White House with him. But now that she's been cut out of his inner circle, she needed Patty to spy on him. "You need me to look out for you," shouts Lady Mac. There's a knock at the door. A Secret Service agent enters and announces the arrival of Kiefer. Palmer says he'll be with him in a moment. "We're not done yet," says Palmer to Lady Mac.
Sweaty, sexy, bloody, breathless Kiefer enters the Palmer Suite. Palmer leads him into a meeting room, explaining that his Secret Service men won't let them talk alone. Well, not until Kiefer gets himself a perky haircut, a shoulder-baring gown, and some major lip liner. They wait for the Drazens to call. "You said this was about money," says Palmer. Kiefer explains how $200 million in Drazen assets were frozen, and only Palmer has the authority to unfreeze them. Palmer is confused. Kiefer explains that he'll probably be asked to kill Palmer once the wire transfer goes through. "But I would never do anything to hurt you," explains Kiefer. Palmer explains that he doesn't have the authority to trace those funds. "And Drazen knows that." Excuse me? What the Drazens don't know would fill a book. "I don't think that's the real reason he's calling," says Palmer. The cell phone rings. "Please," pleads Kiefer in the most velvety of bedroom whispers. "Answer this phone!" After a long, tense pause, Palmer agrees to try to buy some time. He answers the phone. "Sen-a-ter Pal-moor," says TerrorHopper. "Eet must be nice being reunited weeth your friend Kiefer." Maybe Dennis Hopper needs a little something extra to help his performance along. Maybe a lap dog? You know, a Chihuahua or something that he can stroke with an evil gleam in his eye. Come to think of it, FATB could really use a Pomeranian himself. Then again, my dogs might not be too happy about working with Hopper. They'd prefer a more prestigious co-star like, uh, John Stamos or something. Palmer asks TerrorHopper what he wants. There's no answer, but a split screen shows FATB activating some sort of Whatever Terror Technology. Something occurs to Kiefer. "He knows you can't get the money!" Kiefer grabs the cell phone out of Palmer's hand and throws it across the room. It explodes, leaving a pile of debris all over the Crate and Barrel dinette set. Spawn screams. The Secret Service men hit the floor. Kiefer dives on top of Palmer, and they roll around. Spawn weeps into her roped hands. The time is 10:32:56 PM.
The time is 10:37:12 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Soul Patch surfs the web, Spawn weeps some more, and Kiefer picks stuff out of the rubble. Kiefer picks a bit of the cell phone out of the shattered wall and hands it to a Secret Service agent, telling him to get a trace on the residue…or something. Palmer stands out on the balcony, gazing at the traffic outside. Lady Mac rushes in. "Where is he?" she shrieks. Aw! She was upset! ["Of course she was. She thought her meal ticket was on fire." -- Sars] Palmer calms her down and asks after Theo and Li'l Lisa, who are said to be conveniently downstairs and will not be ruining this episode any further with their bad acting. Kiefer comes over and Palmer introduces him to Lady Mac. Lady Mac remembers Kiefer as the guy who almost assassinated Palmer that "day." Palmer tells her to zip it. Kiefer asks the Palmers to allow him to leak false information to the press about the success of the assassination. Lady Mac is against this…because she's Lady Mac, and she has to ruin everything. Palmer argues that Kiefer's daughter is being held hostage, and that news of the Palmer's death will save her life. "We can't have the world thinking that David is dead!" says Lady Mac. "We cannot keep playing games with the public and expect to earn their trust!" Oh, shut up. Palmer sides with Kiefer and tells Lady Mac to get the kids, bring them upstairs, and "talk to no one." Lady Mac reluctantly does as she's told. Kiefer gathers up all of the Secret Service agents who saw Palmer alive for a "briefing," and commands that all the exits and entrances to the suite be secured. "Are you sure this is going to work?" asks Palmer. "It has to," says Kiefer.
The time is 10:39:53 PM. Xander comes down from the Kiefer Kube and asks Soul Patch why he can't access his network connection. Soul Patch feigns ignorance and promises to get the IT people on it immediately. Xander doesn't have time to wait for the IT people. He's got mole-suspicious stuff to do now. He takes over Soul Patch's computer and looks up Palmer's itinerary. "Looks like he's going to Dallas tomorrow," says Xander. He orders Soul Patch to find out Palmer's flight times. Uh, wouldn't that be on the itinerary? Soul Patch tries to stall. Xander flips out at Soul Patch's ineffectiveness and orders him to fix his network connection pronto. When Xander is safely out of earshot, Soul and Nina agree that Xander seems "overly concerned" about Palmer's whereabouts, but they still don't want to bring in Chappelle until they have evidence. Soul Patch wants to restore his "access." Nina allows it, but suggests that they monitor him closely. Xander comes down from the Kiefer Kube again. This time he orders everyone to watch the monitors, where some late-breaking news has just come in. The press has gotten hold of the phony story of the explosion at the Palmer Suite, and a newscaster announces that the Senator is dead. Soul Patch flips out, but Nina remains strangely calm.
Back at the Scooby Docks, FATB and TerrorHopper give each other manly Eastern European hugs to celebrate a mission accomplished. Yeah, it's about time one of their plans actually worked. "I'll take care of the girl and zen vee can leave," says FATB. Spawn's eyes light up when she hears this. TerrrorHopper orders FATB not to do "enny-zing until vee know zat Kiefer is dead." FATB calls Kiefer on his cell phone, and Kiefer is stupid enough to take the call. "I vas calling to confirm your death," says FATB. "But now I see zat you are alive!" Kiefer offers himself up to the Drazens in exchange for Spawn's life. "You've already killed Senator Palmer," says Kiefer. "I'm the last person on your list." FATB tells him to report to the Scooby Docks alone. "What assurances will you give me that you'll really let her go?" asks Kiefer. "None," says FATB.
Back at CTU, Kiefer and Nina are on the phone. Nina begs Kiefer to let CTU help him. Kiefer refuses to disclose his location. "If anyone at CTU is on the inside, Spawn's life could be in danger," explains Kiefer. "Right," says Nina stoically. He asks to speak to Bride, and Nina patches him through. Bride is happy to hear from him. She asks after Spawn, and Kiefer explains that he's going to pick her up. He doesn't let on that he won't be coming back with her. Bride tells him she's pregnant. Kiefer kries. Aw! Because everyone knows that nothing fixes a problematic marriage like an unexpected pregnancy! Kiefer tells Bride he loves her, and says goodbye to her for what he thinks will be the last time. The time is 10:46:50 PM.
The time is 10:51:18 PM. At the Scooby Docks, FATB tells Spawn about a sister he "vonce" had who was a photographer and "took tons of pictures." Uh, yeah, that's what photographers do. He explains that Kiefer killed her despite the fact that she "vas full uff life." Spawn and FATB then have a conversation that accomplishes nothing, in which FATB explains why Kiefer must die and Spawn delivers an impassioned defense of her father.
Back at CTU, Xander tells Nina and Soul Patch that Palmer survived the explosion and his death is a hoax. "This goes no further than the three of us until the public has been made aware that he survived, okay?" says Xander. He sends them back to work to "rebuild profiles." Oh, and Nina lies and claims that she hasn't spoken to Kiefer since the explosion.
Back at the Scooby Docks, Spawn notices a steaming hot pot of coffee near her. She pretends to be cold and asks her lackadaisical guard if she can have some coffee. Spawn gets up, fixes herself a cuppa, and throws the pot at the guy who is guarding her. As he writhes on the ground and screams, Spawn runs outside, tugging at her bound hands. The TerrorSquad follow her with guns drawn. She dodges them for a few minutes, then jumps into the water. Wow, who gave Spawn the ginkgo biloba supplements? No one follows her, because they don't "vant" to get "vet." Or something.
Meanwhile, Kiefer drives to the Scooby Docks as the camera zooms in on his wedding band. Spawn surfaces and crawls ashore without the TerrorSquad noticing. Bride nods off in the Konfrontational Koffee room, and Palmer sits around and thinks about stuff.
Back atop the Scooby Docks, FATB asks TerrorHopper vat they're going to do now that they don't have their star hostage. "Kiefer has no choice but to trust us," says TerrorHopper. Their phone rings. It's someone named Yelena. She informs them in Serbian that Palmer is still alive. The camera pulls back. It's Nina! Oh no you di-i-i-in't! The time is 10:59:58…10:59:59...11:00:00 PM.