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Previouslys. Patty tries to seduce Palmer, and Lady Mac is pulling the strings. Bride urges Mason to go through with the LittleTerrorBrother-for-Kiefer trade. TerrorHopper kills Milla Gueststarovna. Kiefer is freed, but Spawn is still in captivity.
L.A. freeways at night. The soundtrack sounds like Tangerine Dream meets Bartok. FATB and TerrorHopper are in one of the TerrorVans. FATB calls Kiefer -- who is in his own TerrorVan -- and tells him to drive to Palmer's suite. Apparently Palmer froze some assets of the Drazens, and FATB wants Kiefer to have the Senator unfreeze them. "So everything that happened today happened because of money?" says Kiefer ruefully. "I vouldn't say that," says FATB. He tells Kiefer that he will give him further instructions once the money transfer goes through. "What kind of instructions?" asks Kiefer. FATB refuses to answer. "You want me to take out Palmer!" says Kiefer. "Of course," says FATB. "That's vhy vee let you go. That's vhy vee hev your daughter." FATB promises to call Kiefer at 10:45 on the cell phone they gave him, and tells him that there will be serious consequences if Palmer doesn't answer.
The Palmer Suite. Palmer sits alone. Patty enters, still wearing that party dress and her short sprightly haircut. "You left the party early," she observes. Yeah, Patty. That's because they really couldn't afford to hold onto the extras for another week's shooting. They go over some travel plans -- Dallas is mentioned yet again -- and Patty asks if Palmer "needs anything else." The Secret Service guy posted at the door decides to leave the two of them alone together. Palmer tells Patty to sit down, and warns her that they might be headed for a "dangerous place." Patty apologizes for being so flirtatious, but admits that she's always been attracted to his Denzeliciousness. "Meet me in twenty minutes in Room 907," says Palmer, handing her a room key. Lady Mac bursts in -- still wearing the pink faux Chanel suit -- needing to talk to Palmer alone about something. Patty leaves to go make some fictitious "changes" to Palmer's schedule. Lady Mac sits down and informs Palmer that they'll be "stumping separately" for the few days. Uh, more like shtupping separately for the few days. She wants to take Li'l Lisa and Theo with her. "Unless you want them" Palmer smirks and confesses to needing a few days alone. "Great," says Lady Mac in this really pointed, serious way.
Back at CTU, Nina and Mason sit in the Kiefer Kube and plan how to find TerrorHopper now that the TerrorMinions have shed the tracking device they planted on LittleTerrorBrother. Mason tells her to find some other Whatever Technology to track down the TerrorBrothers, like their spy satellite or some computer simulator. The phone rings. Mason takes the call on his speakerphone. It's Kiefer. He's free, but he can't come in just yet. At the sound of Kiefer's velvety but distorted voice, Nina lunges at the phone like Liza Minnelli at the pharmacist's counter. "Let us help you," pleads Mason. Kiefer hangs up. Mason and Nina konklude from Kiefer's kaginess that he's on his way to go kill Palmer. Mason calls Palmer's Secret Service detail to warn them.
“ It's official, Hopper. You suck. I thought that maybe you needed a few 'hours' to warm up and get going, so I withheld my disdain for a while, but I am hereby counting the seconds until you leave the cast of this show. If you wanted something to do to fill your empty days, why didn't you just adopt a retired greyhound or take a flower-arranging class with your friend Jack Nicholson? ”
Then the DrazenTerrorVan arrives at an abandoned dock, like the ones that are always haunted in Scooby Doo. FATB and TerrorHopper jump out of their TerrorVan and go into a warehouse, where GaggedSpawn is being held and LittleTerrorBrother is being attended to by a ForeignAccentedTerrorDoctor. ForeignAccentedTerrorDoctor explains that he cannot stop "zee internal bleeding." "Do not let him die!" says Hopper in a monotone. It's official, Hopper. You suck. I thought that maybe you needed a few "hours" to warm up and get going, so I withheld my disdain for a while, but I am hereby counting the seconds until you leave the cast of this show. If you wanted something to do to fill your empty days, why didn't you just adopt a retired greyhound or take a flower-arranging class with your friend Jack Nicholson? LittleTerrorBrother sees his father. His face lights up with Serbian Daddy Love. LTB removes his breathing apparatus from his mouth and, uh, dies. "I'm zorry," says ForeignAccentedTerrorDoctor. "Zere ees nuh-sing more I can doo." Spawn's face falls into sadness around her silvery duct tape gag. Does she sympathize with TerrorHopper's loss, or is she merely aware that she's going to experience some payback for LittleTerrorBrother's death? After some pathetic attempts to convey Eastern European grief, FATB gets angry and pulls out a gun with which to shoot Spawn. TerrorHopper stops him: "Not yet, vee still need her!" Spawn whimpers through her gag. FATB puts down the gun. Man, I cannot wait until this pathetic plotline resolves itself violently and I can stop pretending that it's going to lead anywhere meaningful. Just one and four-fifths of a recap to go until my summer begins. The time is 10:09:49 PM.
Tonight's episode has been brought to you by Taco Bell. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden Taco Bell stopped being my guilty pleasure this past month. For some reason, I've become newly obsessed with Kentucky Fried Chicken and their "Triple Crunch" sandwiches. I think it's because it consists of three boneless fried chicken components, which makes for more crispy surface area than your basic crispy chicken sandwich. Oh, and speaking of Taco Bell, Eli, my Chihuahua, was almost cast in a Samsung commercial the other day. It's true. My best friend Larry called me at work and told me that he'd just met this casting director who needed a small dog for a commercial. There was this toy poodle lined up originally, but nothing was confirmed and the trainers weren't returning this woman's phone calls all of a sudden. They weren't looking for a dog that was trained to do tricks or anything. They just wanted a dog who would sit quietly on an actor's lap and be really cute. Larry thought of Eli immediately because Eli is the quintessential lap dog. He doesn't just sit on someone's lap, he invades it. You can stand up and do cartwheels, and he'll still be curled up and stuck to your left thigh. Payment would be $100 per hour plus residuals. I told Larry to go ahead and make the deal. I got off the phone and started surfing the web in search of things I could buy with the money I had "made" tomorrow. Five minutes later, my phone rang again. It was Larry. The toy poodle finally called back. Eli was out. It was just as well, I philosophized later on. Benjamin, my Pomeranian, would have gotten jealous and there'd be this whole What Ever Happened To Baby Jane scene in my apartment for the entire summer.
10:00 PM -- 11:00 PM
“ 'You feel uncomfortable because you're doing it with my knowledge and consent.' Oh, I don't know. Maybe Patty just feels uncomfortable because Lady Mac's face is no more than two and a half inches from hers and she can smell the partially digested Caesar salad and Dubonnet from the party downstairs. ”
The time is 10:14:02 PM. Klockwise from the top left, LittleTerrorBrother is still dead on a stretcher, Kiefer drives to Century City, Palmer reads something campaign-related, and Perky Patty primps by the elevator. Patty primps by the elevatorand primps some more. Gee, Patty, are you getting laid in a few minutes? Maybe this is how her hair got short all of a sudden. She just pulled out a hand mirror while waiting for the elevator and trimmed it herself. Lady Mac enters, sees her primping, and tells her Secret Service detail to leave them alone together. Patty tells her -- mid-primp -- that she's seeing Palmer that night. "He didn't waste any time huh?" says Lady Mac, with a mixture of triumph and sadness. Patty says that she feels uncomfortable about the whole thing. "Don't patronize me," says Lady Mac. "You feel uncomfortablebut not because you're ready to be with my husband. You feel uncomfortable because you're doing it with my knowledge and consent." Oh, I don't know. Maybe Patty just feels uncomfortable because Lady Mac's face is no more than two and a half inches from hers and she can smell the partially digested Caesar salad and Dubonnet from the party downstairs. Patty asks Lady Mac why she's doing this. Lady Mac explains that she needs to have her husband's full confidence -- confidence that she no longer has. Lady Mac? Haven't you read Machiavelli? Don't give away your motive so soon. "And you're okay with it?" asks Patty. "I never said I was okay with it," corrects Lady Mac. "I accept it because it's necessary." The elevator finally comes. "Your elevator's waiting," says Lady Mac.
Back at CTU, Nina is on the phone with Palmer's Secret Service detail, giving them advice about how to protect Palmer. Soul Patch swings by with an important red herringI mean, "piece of information." He shows her a plan of the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave and explains that it was "tampered with." For some reason that escapes me, they determine that only a CTU insider could have done such a thing. "Do you think we're dealing with a second dirty agent?" asks Soul Patch. "Yeah," says Ninaand the rest of the viewing audience in unison. Soul Patch goes off to look for more information, and all of a sudden Mason appears in front of Nina in all of his Mole-Vision splendor. Nina lies about the nature of her recent conversation with Soul Patch, failing to mention their suspicions about a second dirty agent. That's because Mason is the mole. Oh, yeah. Without a doubt. A show like 24 would never just surprise you with the identity of a mole. No way. That would be too suspenseful. Mason's gotta be the mole, and you know he's the mole because he's been acting suspicious since the very first episode. They're setting it up carefully so that the viewers won't be surprised by Mason being the mole. Because he's the mole. It's gotta be him. There's not a plot twist coming up. No way. So just sit back and prepare yourself for the fact that Mason is the second dirty agent. He is. Oh, yeah. But there was another reason for Mason's visit to Nina's desk. He wants Nina to take care of Bride of Kiefer, who is being a "basket case." Nina agrees reluctantly to handle it, and saunters over to the Konfrontational Koffee room. "Have they done the trade?" asks Bride while pacing the room. Nina, choosing her words carefully, informs Bride that Kiefer is no longer a hostage. Bride asks where he is. Nina admits that she doesn't know, but divulges her suspicion that Kiefer is doing something for Drazen. "Why would he do anything for that man?" asks an inkredulous Bride. Nina is then forced to explain that Spawn is still a hostage and that's why she hasn't arrived at CTU yet. Bride loses her mind with grief.
A split screen reveals Spawn, no longer gagged, tied to a stool and watching as TerrorHopper takes a giant USSR-sized sip of bottled mineral water. He explains that Kiefer has been given a simple task to do. "Then will you let me go?" asks Spawn. "Vee vill see," says TerrorHopper after a really long pause. Oh, and finally someone comes to wheel away the gurney that contains LittleTerrorBrother's dead body.
Kiefer kalls Palmer from the TerrorVan and begs to see him right away. Palmer explains that he can't meet with him because his security detail advises against it. Kiefer admits that the Drazens have Spawn, but says he's not coming to harm Palmer in any way. The sweaty, velvety pleadings of Kiefer wear down Palmer's concern for his own safety. Plus, everyone knows that Kiefer always keeps his word. Kiefer explains that Drazen wants to talk to Palmer on an untraceable cell phone that is to be delivered by Kiefer. "You're asking a lot, Kiefer," says Palmer. Kiefer gives Palmer his velvety word once more that nothing will harm him. The Drazens just want to talk about some frozen assets. Palmer sighs. The time is 10:20:24 PM.
Is it me, or have there been a lot of truly loathsome people in car ads recently? First there's the twentysomethings who sing along to the Barenaked Ladies. Uh, Mitsubishi? Even Merrill Lynch securities analysts in their thirties have realized that the Barenaked Ladies aren't "what the kids are listening to" anymore. Jason Priestley made a documentary about them two years ago and that was pretty much the death knell. And then there's free-form hand-jive girl in that other car commercial. You know, the one who looks like a teenage Shelley Duvall and "dances" with her hands to the amazement of her fellow passengers, including the driver? I keep waiting for her to poke the eye of the guy who's driving and send the car spiraling off a cliff. But watch. She'd totally survive the crash, and even though she'd be paralyzed from the neck down, she'd still "dance" with her face. On Oprah.