Gustave gave this episode a grade of
B+
179 users have given this episode an average grade of
A-
Previouslys. Poor Man's Hume Cronyn encourages Palmer to have an affairor something. Patty encourages Palmer to have an affairor something. Kiefer finds Victor Drazen alive and well in the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave. Dennis Hopper phones it in betwixt Gap commercials and meetings with his art broker. He keeps Kiefer alive in order to trade him for LittleTerrorBrother. Spawn is released by the policeand recaptured by the TerrorSquad.
It's 9 PM or thereabouts. Spawn does the Fuddrucker's struggle against her ski-masked captors, who say stuff to each other in Serbian or some other Eastern European language. It sounds scary and all, but once again, they could simply be discussing Liza's wedding. "He gay. She hev broken hip. Why he marry her? And why he make her throw out valuable Halston furniture?" They stuff her into the back of an SUV, put duct tape over her mouth, and hog-tie her. You know, when this is all over, I'd imagine that Spawn will be calling -- and getting --"shotgun" on any future spring break road trips. They tie her up some more. She squeals some more. Then we get one of those Ally McBeal-esque aerial shots of the city.
We are now in an auditorium, where Palmer will give his non-victory speech. He's introduced by an unseen politico and takes the stage with Lady Mac, who is wearing a hot pink suit. Shades of Jackie? The krowd goes krazy. PerkyPatty can be seen in the audience suppressing a guilty smile. Apparently she had time to get her hair cut in the last three minutes. Palmer says some standard stuff about the future of the country and how far he's come despite those who doubted him. Lady Mac beams at his side. Lots of cheering and red, white, and blue streamers.
The TerrorVan kontaining Kiefer and his kaptors moves along some highway somewhere. As per ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss and TerrorHopper's instructions, Kiefer kalls CTU on a cell phone. Nina answers, but for some reason Soul Patch's Chicago Cubs coffee mug can be clearly seen in the foreground of the shot. Kiefer tells her that he's being held hostage, and he needs to know that LittleTerrorBrother is still alive. Nina tells Secretary Soul Patch to get LittleTerrorBrother on the phone immediately. Xander, who incidentally is Sarah Clarke's fianc, descends from the Kiefer Kube and barks orders at everyone to get a search going for the escaped TerrorHopper. Nina assures Xander that she's on it. In fact, Kiefer's on the phone with her right now. Soul Patch has LittleTerrorBrother on the phone. They patch him through to Kiefer. Kiefer hands the phone to FATB and TerrorHopper. "Vat hev zey done to you?" says TerrorHopper. LittleTerrorBrother -- who can barely hold the phone without the help of a nurse's aide -- admits that he got in trouble because of a "vooman." "Forgive me, Father. I hev failed you." TerrorHopper tells LittleTerrorBrother to hold on. "Vee vill be togezer soon!" LittleTerrorBrother doesn't think he can live that long. TerrorHopper tells the eavesdropping CTU folk that he is willing to trade the life of Kiefer for that of his son. Xander tells TerrorHopper that he doesn't have the authority to make such a trade. TerrorHopper tells Xander to speak to his superiors. "I vill call beck in fifteen minutes!" FATB puts a black hood over Kiefer's head.
Back at the Palmer Powwow, Palmer continues to speak victoriously about having the party nomination in hand. Lady Mac excuses herself from the podium and sidles up to PerkyPatty. Uh, can you just saunter offstage like that when your husband is making a televised speech? I guess Lady Mac can do whatever she wants. 'Cause she's Lady Mac. While Palmer continues speaking, Lady Mac informs PerkyPatty that she won't be going to Dallas with Palmer the day. Dallas? Pink suit? Got it. Loud and klear. "David and I could use a couple of days apart," says Lady Mac. "But I don't want him to feel alone." Oh no you di-i-i-in't!
Apparently, while Lady Mac was procuring a bed warmer for her husband, Xander was calling Chappelle from the Kiefer Kube to have him authorize the trade, and since it happened off-camera, no one has to pay Paul Schulze to act this week. Nina enters the Kiefer Kube to ask what Chappelle said. According to Xander, there will be no trade. Drazen's escape is too embarrassing for CTU. A trade like that would be a konfirmation of the government konspiracy to keep Drazen alive and in kustody. "So they're just going to sacrifice Jack?" whines Nina. "He's like all the rest of us," says Xander. "Expendable." Nina argues that the trade will enable CTU to find Drazen. Xander explains that the plan is to let Drazen return quietly to his own country. "They don't want to draw attention to the situation," says Xander. "End of story." Nina exits in a Kiefer-inspired huff and enters the Konfrontational Koffee room, where Bride is drinkingkoffee. "Shouldn't Spawn be here by now?" asks Bride. Okay, it's not like we don't already know that she was re-kidnapped, but jeez, Bride -- chill. It's called L.A. traffic. You'd know all about that -- and airplane food -- if you ever watched one of those showcases on Comedy Central. Nina assures Bride that Spawn is fine, but Kiefer isn't. She tells Bride about Kiefer being held hostage and how Xander won't go ahead with the trade. "How are they going to get Kiefer back?" asks Bride. "They're not," says Nina. The time is 9:11:10 PM.
An ex-husband of Jennifer Lopez is stalking her, and there's nothing the law can do about it. Wow, I wonder if she'll be able to become all empowered and fight him back before he kills her! It's worth ten dollars to me to find out how she makes out. Because I've never seen a movie before or anything.
9:00 PM -- 10:00 PM
“ Milla Gueststarovna is barefoot and wears an off-the-shoulder peasant blouse and an apron. Apparently, when they brought her over from Eastern Europe, they just pulled her ass out of the potato fields, rushed her through customs, and shoved her into this basement without letting her buy a new top at Banana Republic on the way or anything. ”
The time is 9:15:35 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn is still gagged, there's an empty steamy interior that we've never seen before, and Bride is in the throes of a Kiefer-related meltdown. A hooded Kiefer is escorted into what looks like someone's secret basement apartment. Who knows? Maybe it's a stop on the underground railroadfor Serbian terrorists. Harriet TubmanI mean, "Dennis Hopper" points to a niche in the brick wall where Kiefer should be placed. A TerrorMinion rips off his hoodyou know, just in case Kiefer should want to witness something important before he dies, because it's not like he's going to survive this episode or anything. TerrorHopper is reunited with an old friend -- a middle-aged Slavic man wearing a navy blue suit. They hug Eastern Euro style while balalaikas play in the background. While Kiefer writhes in pain, Ivan Gueststarov introduces TerrorHopper to his daughter Milla. Milla Gueststarovna is barefoot and wears an off-the-shoulder peasant blouse and an apron. Apparently, when they brought her over from Eastern Europe, they just pulled her ass out of the potato fields, rushed her through customs, and shoved her into this basement without letting her buy a new top at Banana Republic on the way or anything. TerrorHopper kisses Milla and remarks that she's just as beautiful as her mother. The camera pans the apartment to reveal various high-tech equipment and lots of Soviet Empire-style home furnishings circa 1962. TerrorHopper offers Kiefer "somezing to eet." Kiefer says no. The menfolk eat and drink while Milla serves them. That's right. Not only are they terrorists, but they're sexists too. If only Milla had access to an undergraduate Voomen's Studies course. It would totally open the potato pirogue that is her unenlightened mind.
Back in the Kiefer Kube, Xander is talking to "Division" some more when Bride bursts into his office and demands to speak to him that very second. "You are not going to let Kiefer die," says Bride. Xander tries to convince her that Kiefer will be fine without CTU's help due to his special forces background. "Stop patronizing me, Xander," says Bride. "You've been doing it all night." Xander stops patronizing her and gives her the lowdown. "I'm going to call up Division. I'm gonna ask them to reconsider one more time and they're going to say no." Bride stomps out of there. Xander gets back on the phone. Bride then corners Nina and begs her to intervene, since she too is an unofficial Kieferette. Nina assures Bride that she's already doing something about it. "There's someone who can help Kiefer," explains Nina. "You're just going to have to trust me."
Back at the Palmer Powwow, the party has kicked it up a notch with the mass wearing of Styrofoam faux-straw boaters decorated with red, white, and blue hat ribbons. A big-band jazz combo is playing a rendition of "We Are Family." Hee! Palmer introduces PerkyPatty to one of the party guests as the "brain trust" behind his campaign. PerkyPatty's face lights up like a Howard Johnson's entrance sign. An aide comes over to tell Palmer that he has a phone call, but when she says it, her lips are off-camera, so they don't have to pay the actress for actually speaking the lines. Palmer takes the call. It's Nina. She tells him about TerrorHopper being alive and holding Kiefer hostage and how the DoD doesn't want to make the trade. Palmer promises to help save Kiefer by making a few calls and then talking to Xander himself.
Back at the Palmer Powwow, the jazz combo is now playing Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" while Palmer has a private cell phone call with an unidentified crony. "Don't worry," says Palmer. "My name's not going to be even close to this." I assume he's pulling strings for the Kiefer trade, but who knows? He rejoins the party and runs into Lady Mac. She carps on him about his general absence from the party. "Everyone is here to see you," says Lady Mac. "You need to make an impression, not phone calls." Palmer tells her to stop talking down to him. Lady Mac makes yet another crack about the "weakness" that Palmer has shown that day, tells him to "get to work," and exits to go speak to an off-camera pal. PerkyPatty enters, wanting to talk about some Wall Street Journal article that's being written on him. "Don't you look gorgeous tonight?" says Palmer. Actually, she could ease up a little on the lip liner, but that's just me. Palmer also wants to prepare for any future interviews, specifically regarding the media's questions about the Theo situation. Patty has already prepared some statements. Palmer wants to see them. Now. Back up in the Suite. Bamp bamp chicka pow pow.
Ivan Gueststarov has just discovered that his daughter has been killed. He weeps, holding her dead body. TerrorHopper tries to konvince him that Milla's death was the doing of zee enemies. Ivan Gueststarov ain't buying it. He accuses TerrorHopper of being a murderer. TerrorHopper whips out a gun and shoots his best friend in the chest. Now he's dead too. Two TerrorMinions enter, holding a GaggedSpawn. Kiefer kalls out to her, but FATB punches him in the face and knocks him unconscious. Spawn moans and whines through the duct tape. The TerrorMinions take Kiefer out to Zee TerrorVan. FATB kommands the remaining TerrorMinions to klean up zee krime scene. The time is 9:34:31 PM.
The time is 9:38:55 PM. Klockwise from the top left, a gagged Spawn acquaints herself with her new surroundings, Bride yanks her own chain, and the TerrorSquad takes a road trip with their hostage Kiefer. Okay, for the forty-seventh time today -- when will someone get Bride away from the CTU staff? That is so not professional. Nina passes her in some hallway, and Bride asks for the latest KieferUpdate. Nina is happy to report that the trade will in fact go through. This relieves Bride, but of course her question is about Spawn and where she could be. She asks Nina if she can have KopKennyG's cell phone number so she can call Spawn one more time, just to see if she's okay. Nina wimps out on telling Bride about the recapture of Spawn, klaiming that she never learned the number in the midst of all the goings-on of the last few hours. "I appreciate you being upfront with me about everything," says Bride. The irony. Nina goes over to Soul Patch's desk and confesses to him that she hasn't told Bride about Spawn yet. "I just feel like I'm not doing my job," she says. To Soul Patch. The irony. Soul Patch says something reassuring. Nina thanks him. "You're welcome," says Soul Patch in an awfully strange manner.