Previouslys. Poor Man's Hume Cronyn encourages Palmer to have an affair…or something. Patty encourages Palmer to have an affair…or something. Kiefer finds Victor Drazen alive and well in the Lou Diamond Phillips Kave. Dennis Hopper phones it in betwixt Gap commercials and meetings with his art broker. He keeps Kiefer alive in order to trade him for LittleTerrorBrother. Spawn is released by the police…and recaptured by the TerrorSquad.
It's 9 PM or thereabouts. Spawn does the Fuddrucker's struggle against her ski-masked captors, who say stuff to each other in Serbian or some other Eastern European language. It sounds scary and all, but once again, they could simply be discussing Liza's wedding. "He gay. She hev broken hip. Why he marry her? And why he make her throw out valuable Halston furniture?" They stuff her into the back of an SUV, put duct tape over her mouth, and hog-tie her. You know, when this is all over, I'd imagine that Spawn will be calling -- and getting --"shotgun" on any future spring break road trips. They tie her up some more. She squeals some more. Then we get one of those Ally McBeal-esque aerial shots of the city.
We are now in an auditorium, where Palmer will give his non-victory speech. He's introduced by an unseen politico and takes the stage with Lady Mac, who is wearing a hot pink suit. Shades of Jackie? The krowd goes krazy. PerkyPatty can be seen in the audience suppressing a guilty smile. Apparently she had time to get her hair cut in the last three minutes. Palmer says some standard stuff about the future of the country and how far he's come despite those who doubted him. Lady Mac beams at his side. Lots of cheering and red, white, and blue streamers.
The TerrorVan kontaining Kiefer and his kaptors moves along some highway somewhere. As per ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss and TerrorHopper's instructions, Kiefer kalls CTU on a cell phone. Nina answers, but for some reason Soul Patch's Chicago Cubs coffee mug can be clearly seen in the foreground of the shot. Kiefer tells her that he's being held hostage, and he needs to know that LittleTerrorBrother is still alive. Nina tells Secretary Soul Patch to get LittleTerrorBrother on the phone immediately. Xander, who incidentally is Sarah Clarke's fiancé, descends from the Kiefer Kube and barks orders at everyone to get a search going for the escaped TerrorHopper. Nina assures Xander that she's on it. In fact, Kiefer's on the phone with her right now. Soul Patch has LittleTerrorBrother on the phone. They patch him through to Kiefer. Kiefer hands the phone to FATB and TerrorHopper. "Vat hev zey done to you?" says TerrorHopper. LittleTerrorBrother -- who can barely hold the phone without the help of a nurse's aide -- admits that he got in trouble because of a "vooman." "Forgive me, Father. I hev failed you." TerrorHopper tells LittleTerrorBrother to hold on. "Vee vill be togezer soon!" LittleTerrorBrother doesn't think he can live that long. TerrorHopper tells the eavesdropping CTU folk that he is willing to trade the life of Kiefer for that of his son. Xander tells TerrorHopper that he doesn't have the authority to make such a trade. TerrorHopper tells Xander to speak to his superiors. "I vill call beck in fifteen minutes!" FATB puts a black hood over Kiefer's head.
Back at the Palmer Powwow, Palmer continues to speak victoriously about having the party nomination in hand. Lady Mac excuses herself from the podium and sidles up to PerkyPatty. Uh, can you just saunter offstage like that when your husband is making a televised speech? I guess Lady Mac can do whatever she wants. 'Cause she's Lady Mac. While Palmer continues speaking, Lady Mac informs PerkyPatty that she won't be going to Dallas with Palmer the day. Dallas? Pink suit? Got it. Loud and klear. "David and I could use a couple of days apart," says Lady Mac. "But I don't want him to feel alone." Oh no you di-i-i-in't!
Apparently, while Lady Mac was procuring a bed warmer for her husband, Xander was calling Chappelle from the Kiefer Kube to have him authorize the trade, and since it happened off-camera, no one has to pay Paul Schulze to act this week. Nina enters the Kiefer Kube to ask what Chappelle said. According to Xander, there will be no trade. Drazen's escape is too embarrassing for CTU. A trade like that would be a konfirmation of the government konspiracy to keep Drazen alive and in kustody. "So they're just going to sacrifice Jack?" whines Nina. "He's like all the rest of us," says Xander. "Expendable." Nina argues that the trade will enable CTU to find Drazen. Xander explains that the plan is to let Drazen return quietly to his own country. "They don't want to draw attention to the situation," says Xander. "End of story." Nina exits in a Kiefer-inspired huff and enters the Konfrontational Koffee room, where Bride is drinking…koffee. "Shouldn't Spawn be here by now?" asks Bride. Okay, it's not like we don't already know that she was re-kidnapped, but jeez, Bride -- chill. It's called L.A. traffic. You'd know all about that -- and airplane food -- if you ever watched one of those showcases on Comedy Central. Nina assures Bride that Spawn is fine, but Kiefer isn't. She tells Bride about Kiefer being held hostage and how Xander won't go ahead with the trade. "How are they going to get Kiefer back?" asks Bride. "They're not," says Nina. The time is 9:11:10 PM.
An ex-husband of Jennifer Lopez is stalking her, and there's nothing the law can do about it. Wow, I wonder if she'll be able to become all empowered and fight him back before he kills her! It's worth ten dollars to me to find out how she makes out. Because I've never seen a movie before or anything.
The time is 9:15:35 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn is still gagged, there's an empty steamy interior that we've never seen before, and Bride is in the throes of a Kiefer-related meltdown. A hooded Kiefer is escorted into what looks like someone's secret basement apartment. Who knows? Maybe it's a stop on the underground railroad…for Serbian terrorists. Harriet Tubman…I mean, "Dennis Hopper" points to a niche in the brick wall where Kiefer should be placed. A TerrorMinion rips off his hood…you know, just in case Kiefer should want to witness something important before he dies, because it's not like he's going to survive this episode or anything. TerrorHopper is reunited with an old friend -- a middle-aged Slavic man wearing a navy blue suit. They hug Eastern Euro style while balalaikas play in the background. While Kiefer writhes in pain, Ivan Gueststarov introduces TerrorHopper to his daughter Milla. Milla Gueststarovna is barefoot and wears an off-the-shoulder peasant blouse and an apron. Apparently, when they brought her over from Eastern Europe, they just pulled her ass out of the potato fields, rushed her through customs, and shoved her into this basement without letting her buy a new top at Banana Republic on the way or anything. TerrorHopper kisses Milla and remarks that she's just as beautiful as her mother. The camera pans the apartment to reveal various high-tech equipment and lots of Soviet Empire-style home furnishings circa 1962. TerrorHopper offers Kiefer "somezing to eet." Kiefer says no. The menfolk eat and drink while Milla serves them. That's right. Not only are they terrorists, but they're sexists too. If only Milla had access to an undergraduate Voomen's Studies course. It would totally open the potato pirogue that is her unenlightened mind.
Back in the Kiefer Kube, Xander is talking to "Division" some more when Bride bursts into his office and demands to speak to him that very second. "You are not going to let Kiefer die," says Bride. Xander tries to convince her that Kiefer will be fine without CTU's help due to his special forces background. "Stop patronizing me, Xander," says Bride. "You've been doing it all night." Xander stops patronizing her and gives her the lowdown. "I'm going to call up Division. I'm gonna ask them to reconsider one more time and they're going to say no." Bride stomps out of there. Xander gets back on the phone. Bride then corners Nina and begs her to intervene, since she too is an unofficial Kieferette. Nina assures Bride that she's already doing something about it. "There's someone who can help Kiefer," explains Nina. "You're just going to have to trust me."
Back at the Palmer Powwow, the party has kicked it up a notch with the mass wearing of Styrofoam faux-straw boaters decorated with red, white, and blue hat ribbons. A big-band jazz combo is playing a rendition of "We Are Family." Hee! Palmer introduces PerkyPatty to one of the party guests as the "brain trust" behind his campaign. PerkyPatty's face lights up like a Howard Johnson's entrance sign. An aide comes over to tell Palmer that he has a phone call, but when she says it, her lips are off-camera, so they don't have to pay the actress for actually speaking the lines. Palmer takes the call. It's Nina. She tells him about TerrorHopper being alive and holding Kiefer hostage and how the DoD doesn't want to make the trade. Palmer promises to help save Kiefer by making a few calls and then talking to Xander himself.
Back at CTU, there's some blonde girl with her hair in a bun who we've never seen before, talking on the phone. She's got lines and everything, so you know that someone shelled out Equity money to secure her. And need I remind anyone how important our last bun-wearing girl with a speaking part turned out to be? She walks over to Soul Patch's desk. He refers to her as "Dana." She sticks her perky ass into the camera and lets Soul Patch know that Spawn is kidnapped. He sends her off to find out more about the recapture of Spawn. Nina, who hasn't heard any of this, wants to talk to Soul Patch. Soul Patch is just about to tell her the bad news when Bride sidles up to their desks and asks them what's up. Nina sends her back to the Konfrontational Koffee room -- where someone should be making sure she stays, if you ask me. When Bride is out of earshot, Soul Patch tells her about KopKennyG's car being attacked. "Are you going to tell her?" asks Soul Patch. Nina gives the camera her trademark ambiguous look. I'm thinking it's time for me to create a macro for "Nina gives the camera her trademark ambiguous look." The time is 9:21:55 PM.
The time is 9:26:20 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer suffers, TerrorHopper eats, and Xander works the phones. Back in the KieferKube, an unseen secretary tells Xander that there's a phone call for him. It's Palmer. Palmer tells Xander to disobey Division's orders and make the trade. When Palmer becomes President, Xander will be rewarded with a high-level position in Washington. "And if you don't get elected?" asks Xander. "That's not going to happen," says Palmer. "Think about it, Xander."
Back at Serf and Turf's, TerrorHopper and FATB discuss something about transportation costing $200,000. TerrorHopper urges a koughing Kiefer to try some of the wonderful food that they're all eating. Milla Gueststarovna flirts with TerrorHopper. "My father told me to tek good care of you," says Milla, clearing the plates. TerrorHopper kompliments her kooking. Kiefer stabs a TerrorMinion and takes Milla hostage. TerrorHopper and the other TerrorMinions pull their guns on Kiefer. Kiefer kalls for everyone to drop their weapons. Everyone obeys except TerrorHopper. He shoots Milla. She's dead. Dude, no more kasha varnishkas for you. Kiefer is subdued by the other TerrorMinions. TerrorHopper demands to speak to CTU now. FATB orders the TerrorMinions to try to keep Victor Gueststarov away from his daughter's body.
The time is 9:29:27 PM. Soul Patch enters the KieferKube and tells Xander that Bride is safely out of the way in the Konfrontational Koffee room. The phone rings. It's FATB. "We're going to do the swap on our terms," says Xander. "That's an interesting dream," says FATB. He tells Xander to bring LittleTerrorBrother to a location in thirty "meenutes." Soul Patch has traced the location of FATB before he hangs up. And no one could do this back when Bride and Spawn were in The Stable of Sensuality? Xander tells Soul Patch to make arrangements to have the place surrounded in time for the trade, and to go get LittleTerrorBrother out of the hospital. "He just got stabbed in the stomach," says Soul Patch. "They're not going to let him out." "They're going to have to," says Xander.
Back at the Palmer Powwow, the jazz combo is now playing Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" while Palmer has a private cell phone call with an unidentified crony. "Don't worry," says Palmer. "My name's not going to be even close to this." I assume he's pulling strings for the Kiefer trade, but who knows? He rejoins the party and runs into Lady Mac. She carps on him about his general absence from the party. "Everyone is here to see you," says Lady Mac. "You need to make an impression, not phone calls." Palmer tells her to stop talking down to him. Lady Mac makes yet another crack about the "weakness" that Palmer has shown that day, tells him to "get to work," and exits to go speak to an off-camera pal. PerkyPatty enters, wanting to talk about some Wall Street Journal article that's being written on him. "Don't you look gorgeous tonight?" says Palmer. Actually, she could ease up a little on the lip liner, but that's just me. Palmer also wants to prepare for any future interviews, specifically regarding the media's questions about the Theo situation. Patty has already prepared some statements. Palmer wants to see them. Now. Back up in the Suite. Bamp bamp chicka pow pow.
Ivan Gueststarov has just discovered that his daughter has been killed. He weeps, holding her dead body. TerrorHopper tries to konvince him that Milla's death was the doing of zee enemies. Ivan Gueststarov ain't buying it. He accuses TerrorHopper of being a murderer. TerrorHopper whips out a gun and shoots his best friend in the chest. Now he's dead too. Two TerrorMinions enter, holding a GaggedSpawn. Kiefer kalls out to her, but FATB punches him in the face and knocks him unconscious. Spawn moans and whines through the duct tape. The TerrorMinions take Kiefer out to Zee TerrorVan. FATB kommands the remaining TerrorMinions to klean up zee krime scene. The time is 9:34:31 PM.
The time is 9:38:55 PM. Klockwise from the top left, a gagged Spawn acquaints herself with her new surroundings, Bride yanks her own chain, and the TerrorSquad takes a road trip with their hostage Kiefer. Okay, for the forty-seventh time today -- when will someone get Bride away from the CTU staff? That is so not professional. Nina passes her in some hallway, and Bride asks for the latest KieferUpdate. Nina is happy to report that the trade will in fact go through. This relieves Bride, but of course her question is about Spawn and where she could be. She asks Nina if she can have KopKennyG's cell phone number so she can call Spawn one more time, just to see if she's okay. Nina wimps out on telling Bride about the recapture of Spawn, klaiming that she never learned the number in the midst of all the goings-on of the last few hours. "I appreciate you being upfront with me about everything," says Bride. The irony. Nina goes over to Soul Patch's desk and confesses to him that she hasn't told Bride about Spawn yet. "I just feel like I'm not doing my job," she says. To Soul Patch. The irony. Soul Patch says something reassuring. Nina thanks him. "You're welcome," says Soul Patch in an awfully strange manner.
In the TerrorVan, Kiefer pleads with the TerrorSquad to let Spawn go. "If you start killing innocents, they will never let you out of this country alive." FATB pulls a gun on him and tells him to shut up.
Back at the almost empty Palmer Suite, Patty and Palmer go over their strategy for dealing with any media questions about Theo and Palmer's relation to the local businessmen who financed the death of Ferragamo. Well, as it turns out, Patty is a couple of steps ahead of Palmer. She's already set up interviews with the major news outlets and prepared some T&A…I mean, "Q&A" for Palmer. "When did you find time to do all this?" asks Palmer. Uh, who cares about that? I just want to know when PerkyPatty had time to cut her hair and reapply that lip liner, which is getting darker and darker with each passing moment. Patty modestly explains that if she doesn't help Palmer get into the White House, she's out of a job. Palmer offers her some champagne and turns the conversation to more personal issues, like why doesn't Patty get out more and find a boyfriend. Patty claims that the campaign is her personal life. They toast to "taking five minutes off," and Patty asks Palmer if there's every been "anyone else" besides Lady Mac in his life. "I'm running for president," says Palmer. "I can't answer that." Jesus Christ. Real time or not, I could seduce Palmer faster than Patty. I wouldn't even have to wear deodorant. Move it along, people! "Are you flirting with me, Patty?" asks Palmer. "I don't know. I just might be," answers Patty. Palmer moves his face near hers as if he's going to kiss her, but then he snaps back into business mode and suggests that they go back downstairs so he can put in more face time at the party.
The TerrorVan pulls up to a dirt field. A hooded Kiefer is pulled from the van and cuffed to a post many yards from the road amidst some Lynchian oil wells. FATB explains to Kiefer that a sniper rifle has been aimed at Kiefer. If the trade goes through smoothly, he vill live. If not, he vill die. "What about my daughter?" gasps Kiefer. "You vill hear from us when this is over," answers FATB cryptically. The time is 9:47:23 PM.
The time is 9:51:32 PM. Klockwise from the top left, the Palmer Powwow is still in full swing -- with an emphasis on swing -- Kiefer waits for further instructions, and Little Terror Brother convalesces in his hospital room. The jazz combo is now playing "I'm So Excited." 'Cause Patty's about to lose control and I think she likes it. She and Palmer re-enter the party and get back to their mingling. Palmer runs into Lady Mac, who introduces him to some AIDS research scientists and leaves him with them. She approaches a not-so-PerkyPatty at the bar and asks her if she was "upstairs with David." Patty replies sheepishly in the affirmative. "Good," says Lady Mac. "What happened?" "I did what you told me," says Patty. Jigga what? Lady Mac explains that Patty must seduce Palmer for the "good of the campaign." Patty isn't so thrilled with the idea. "I thought you liked David," says Lady Mac. "I do like him," says Patty. "It's just hard to deceive him like this." Lady Mac assures Patty that her husband "needs someone" like Patty. She takes the cherry out of Patty's drink, pops it into her bad-ass mouth, and exits. Ooooh! Oh, and for some reason, the lyrics to "I'm So Excited" are coming up in the closed captioning even though it's an instrumental version.
It's 9:54:06. An ambulance pulls up to the meeting place, which turns out to be -- uh oh! -- a parking garage. Inside the ambulance, LittleTerrorBrother struggles to stay alive. Xander is at his side. They park the ambulance inside the garage where a couple of TerrorMinions are waiting. LittleTerrorBrother is wheeled out. PotBelliedTerrorMinion is concerned about LittleTerrorBrother's health. Xander assures him that LTB's okay. PBTM calls the TerrorVan and reports that he's got LTB; he assures Xander that once he is sure he's not being followed, someone will call with Kiefer's whereabouts. "That's unacceptable," says Xander, pulling a gun on him. PBTM informs Xander that they've got Spawn too. Xander backs down and lets PBTM go. When they leave, he calls Nina, who is using some Whatever Technology to track down the second TerrorVan's whereabouts. Meanwhile, the second TerrorVan stops at a parking lot. PBTM searches LittleTerrorBrother's body with a scanner and finds CTU's tracking device. For some reason, Nina can tell that they've done this.
Back at the Lynchian Oil Fields, an unseen sniper shoots Kiefer's kuffs off. Kiefer's cell rings. He is informed that there's a car parked a few yards away with the key in the sun visor. Kiefer runs toward the kar. The screen splits to reveal a clueless Bride pacing the halls of CTU and PerkyPatty drinking some more. Kiefer reaches the kar, finds the keys, and takes off. The time is 9:59:58…9:59:59...10:00:00 PM.