"My ex-girlfriend forced Sidney Poitier to make out with her at the Oscars, and my father whored himself out by doing the backstage commentary with Glenn Close -- duties that Peter Coyote performed alone last year. And I wasn't nominated for anything this year because my whole life is this Fox show that might not even be picked up for year and is doing an amnesia subplot this week. My name is Kiefer. Today is the longest day of my life."
Previouslys. TerrorBabyBrother keeps getting information about Palmer's whereabouts from Faux-licity until she realizes that he's the hit man sent to take down Palmer. She agrees to wear a "whatever wire" and meet him for a faux-rendezvous back at his hotel room. Xander's back as the "new quarterback." The Safe House is compromised and the Kieferettes are on the run once more, but they've split up because Bride thought she killed Spawn and got amnesia. Spawn is, unfortunately, very much alive.
What's up with the teens of today? Why do they, like Spawn of Kiefer, wander the valleys of Southern California searching frantically for their mothers? Back in my day, we were psyched to be away from parental supervision. She doesn't even have to go back to school because she was kidnapped. Yet there she is, combing some highway in search of her mother, who as we all know was driven away by Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super. I mean, call a cab and have them take you to CTU. Don't make this such a Byzantine thing, okay, Kirsten Dunst wanna-be? And speaking of Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super, there she is, driving Bride of Kiefer to the hospital. Bride is looking at herself in the mirror as if for the first time. Because, you see, she's got amnesia. That's right, folks. Amnesia. They'd better be going somewhere good here. Just saying. A stripped-down electronica theme that combines the funk of Prince with the minimalism of Tangerine Dream, and maybe even a little of that Duran Duran track "The Chauffeur," plays while Bride lightly removes a single tissue from the car tissue dispenser, which is literally brimming with fresh tissues. Like, what is Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super doing driving around and keeping tissues in her car? She touches the tissue to her face and brushes off that artful smudge of dirt that accumulated there just moments ago when she sort-of killed her daughter, fell to the ground, and stumbled around all Anne-Heche-style until JLH's PRS picked her up. Now of course if I had dirt all over my face, I'd wipe myself down pretty hard with that tissue. But I'm sure the make-up department asked Ms. Hope not to disturb the maquillage and to dab lightly so that they didn't have to keep reapplying between takes. "I've never met anyone who had amnesia before," says JLH's PRS, who looks really uncomfortable behind those huge bangs. What's up with the hairdresser of the show and his obsession with bangs? Not to mention, how meta is it that they have to draw attention to the rarity that amnesia is outside the world of Latin-American daytime dramas? Bride thanks JLH's PRS for helping her out and finds out that her name is "Tanya," the same name that Patty Hearst robbed banks under. "Tanya" suggests that Bride "comes from money," as suggested by her rings. Bride looks down at her wedding ring and realizes that she has no memory of having a husband.
Back at the Palmer Hotel, Kiefer, Nina, Faux-licity, and eight or so armed federal agents enter and get to work bugging TakeOnKief's hotel room. Uh, isn't that a bit nervy to be hanging out in a hit man's hotel room? Head Secret Service Guy greets Kiefer and apologizes to him for disarming him during the first Palmer Assassination Attempt of the day. "I had no idea what kind of pressure you were under at the time," says HSSG. Kiefer introduces HSSG to the whole CTU surveillance team and Faux-licity. Faux-licity uses this opportunity to apologize for all the trouble her sex life caused the Senator. HSSG forgives Faux-licity for allowing her vagina to compromise the security of a presidential candidate, since that very vagina is now helping to fight crime. Oh, and plus she's awfully courageous to risk her life and stuff. HSSG escorts them into TakeOnKief's hotel room. Kiefer authoritatively orders his men to "cover every square inch" of the room. He also turns to Nina and orders her to "prep" Faux-licity. Like, what's she gonna do? Help her do practice kisses into a pillow? Teach her how to put the condom on with her teeth? Get her drunk? He orders HSSG to alert him "the minute that TakeOnKief enters this hotel."
More psycho seventies piano music plays -- you know, that ominous "tinkle tinkle tinkle" that's in every suburban horror film -- as Bride and JLH's PRS pass a place that Bride insists looks familiar to her. JLH's PRS pulls into the driveway of this cute little outdoorsy restaurant where there is so much lush vegetation everywhere that they ought to call it the Venus Flytrap Café. Bride runs out of the car like a woman possessed. She walks through the slate-floored interior and into the shady back garden adorned with vine-covered latticework, and proclaims that she's definitely been there before. "I was with someone," she says. "Your husband?" prods the tertiary guest star. "Not your husband?" Bride touches her fingers to her lips and leaves the question unanswered. You see, boys and girls, the sauce that's good for the Kiefer is good for the Bride of Kiefer. That's right. During the separation, Bride wasn't sitting around the house eating Snackwells and popping Xanax. She was out taking advantage of those dollar margaritas at the local Mexican restaurant, shaking her groove thing, and writing poetry in exclusively lowercase letters with no punctuation like the lusty worldly woman she truly is! She was having some unicorn sex of her own! And now that she's got amnesia, the only way back to her forgotten past is through those hot lonely nights. Okay, maybe we don't know that already…but we know this already. JLH's PRS asks for a maitre d' or a manager. The waiter replies that "Mr. Martin" will be in shortly. Okay, since when do restaurant managers insist on being called "Mister" anything? "Maybe this Mr. Martin knows something about me," says Bride, caressing the glossy solid wood chairs. She decides to stay, and asks JLH's PRS for her number so she can send her "whatever I can afford" later on. "Know what?" says JLH's PRS in that scratchy Courtney voice. "Send me whatever you can afford…plus ten dollars." She leaves Bride a ten spot for cab fare to the nearest hospital, and exits. Buh-bye, Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super.
Back at the Palmer hotel, Nina finishes "prepping" Faux-licity by reminding her that she's got to act like she normally does around TakeOnKief. Oh, like jumping his bones the second she enters the room, you mean? Nina sympathizes, working girl to working girl, with Faux-licity on the highs and lows of risky relationships. Palmer enters and tries to talk Faux-licity out of going through with Operation Vagina. Faux-licity insists that she really really wants to. Palmer pulls Kiefer aside and chastises him for putting Faux-licity at risk. Kiefer explains that he's got the room hooked up, and he and all the CTU SWAT team members will be there to save Faux-licity should anything go wrong. Palmer doesn't like the idea of Faux-licity being alone with a professional killer, no matter how close Kiefer is. Kiefer argues that the only way to stop the assassination is to follow LittleTerrorBrother and see where he leads them. Palmer is koncerned that Kiefer is doing something risky, motivated by the desire for "payback" over what his own family went through…hell, is going through. He tells Kiefer that Faux-licity's parents are old friends, and he's known Faux-licity since she was born. Therefore, he's holding Kiefer responsible if anything infelicitous happens to Faux-licity. The velvety Sutherland voice lowers to a smoky whisper. The vibrations emanating from that mellifluous purr soothe the Senator's nerves and promise that Operation Vagina will go as smoothly and as velvetily as the KieferVoice itself. Palmer, in spite of his better judgment, gives a good luck thumbs-up to Faux-licity and exits. The time is 4:10:32 PM.
Oh, this Pizza Hut "P'Zone ad" is so horrifying. The lukewarm pandering to the "urban demographic" -- complete with turntables, braids, and booty -- bugs. Hunchback of Notre Dame II is available on DVD. Wow. I haven't even bought HoND I yet. This UPS "Brown" ad is styling, but it just isn't a good idea to have "Brown" as your buzzword color. Because I'm five like that.
The time is 4:14:46 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn walks back to civilization, Bride waits for her lover, CTU agents bug TakeOnKief's hotel room, and ForeignAccentedTerrorDude sits in some café brooding over something. Apparently, when Spawn is not supervised by adults, she tends to walk in the middle of the street and almost get hit by cars. Because she's that innocent of the ways of man like that. She dashes across a rest area parking lot with a lot of Hare Krishnas congregating toward a pay phone. She finds some change in the coin return -- like that ever happens -- and calls CTU. Soul Patch answers, and Spawn asks to speak to Kiefer. Soul Patch tells her that Kiefer is unavailable and asks who this is. Spawn identifies herself and tells him about the Safe House being attacked. "The agents are dead and my mother is gone!" she screeches into the pay phone. Soul Patch wants to know where she is so he can send someone to pick her up. Spawn refuses to give her location. She's worried about falling for another Jalapeno-style switcheroo. She refuses to disclose her location to anyone but Nina Myers or Kiefer. Soul Patch tries to explain about Jalapeno being, uh, no longer employed by CTU, but Spawn is having none of it. She hangs up on Soul Patch.
Soul Patch saunters over to Xander Berkeley's office and tells him about the Safe House being attacked and the rest of his call from Spawn. They call the Safe House. No answer. Xander sends agents over to check out the story, and orders Soul Patch to do a "Whatever Search" of every single pay phone in Southern California to find Spawn's whereabouts. "You gonna call Jack or do you want me to?" asks Soul Patch. Xander doesn't want Kiefer notified. The "emotional reaction" might "distract" him. Bad bureaucratic Xander!
Back at the Palmer suite, the un-distracted Kiefer touches base with Nina, who doesn't think Faux-licity should be involved in Operation Vagina. "I don't know if we're doing the right thing," says Nina. Kiefer reminds her how helpful the successful operation would be for their investigation. Plus, worse comes to worst, SWAT teams break in to the hotel room, they arrest TakeOnKief and "turn him." Nina's female intuition is no match for Kiefer's velvety delivery. She backs down. He gets all patronizing on her ass and reminds her to "stay focused." Nina calls him on his shit and asks him what's up his ass. Kiefer breaks down and describes in velvety intensity the worry he has about the safety of the Kieferettes. He is upset that Nina didn't see to it personally that they were safe, and wants to know why she left the debriefing to HandsomeBlackAndNowDeadGuard. Debriefing: the word that never gets old. Nina tries not to tell him about her conversation with Bride. She exits to go wait in the surveillance room for Kiefer.
Back at Chez Rick, Rick has put a shirt on, but lest we feel cheated of any Rick objectification, he's lying face down on the bed, providing the camera with a big close-up of his perky jeans-clad ass. The phone is always ringing, and now is no exception. I guess Rick is so down and out that he and his girlfriend can't afford an answering machine to go with their AT&T cordless phone. He answers. It's Spawn. Of course. But now Rick is listening, because she tells him about the Safe House being attacked and how her mom is gone. Oh yeah, that's just the girl you want to come spend the night. A girl who is being hunted by the terrorist organization that you just deserted. Don't even worry about bringing an extra toothbrush, Spawn! Mi casa es su casa. Rick is predictably reluctant to have Spawn come crash at his pad, so Spawn threatens to expose Rick to CTU if he doesn't let her come over. He reluctantly gives her his address just as his one-shouldered-fatigue-tube-top-wearing girlfriend saunters in to be a jealous horny skank. Wow, Rick has a Noguchi lamp. Or maybe it's just the Ikea version.
Theo enters Palmer's private sitting room and catches him mid-nap. "How's the election going?" he says. "How's the election going"? That was the stupidest line ever. Palmer responds coldly that it's going okay. Theo apologizes for being such a Li'l Shit and tells him how he understands now why Palmer put the Ferragamo thing on hold; he was protecting Li'l Theo and not just his own ass. Palmer asks him how he found out about Kreepy Karl's misdeeds. Theo pulls out the microcassette player and plays Palmer part of his and Kreepy Karl's homoerotically charged conversation where Karl admits to setting Theo up for arson. Palmer is angry that Theo did something as dangerous as taping Karl. Theo argues that it doesn't matter as long as Daddy takes the tape to the police. Palmer asks Theo to hand the tape over to him. Theo hesitates. "Do you trust me?" asks Palmer. Theo hands the tape over. The time is 4:23:16 PM.
I wish I had friends like Kirstie Alley who'd just rescue me from my computer stress with a wisecrack-laden shopping spree at Pier One Imports. She's so wacky with all that incense and feng shui going on. Hey, it's another Ashley Judd movie where she gets to wave a gun around and fight the ex-husband whose conspiring ways are keeping her down. Heather Locklear is not an old lady. She's not. She uses Preference by L'Oreal.
The time is 4:27:27 PM. Klockwise from the top left, LittleTerrorBrother's TerrorJaguar is loose on the streets, Palmer does some work at his desk, Rick unbuttons some buttons and gives us a little skin, and Nina and Faux-licity prepare for Operation Vagina. TakeOnKief calls ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss, who is getting into his TerrorMercedes, and tells him that Palmer isn't leaving town after all, thanks to his own Project Penis. FATB is worried about Palmer's "highly placed aide" getting suspicious of his motives. "I wonder why she wants to see you again so quickly," he muses. Ah, but FATB doesn't know women the way LittleTerrorBrother knows women, or so says LittleTerrorBrother. "I know enough about women to know that they can use as well as be used," says FATB, proving that in addition to being a violent terrorist, he's also a sexist and a misogynist. LittleTerrorBrother insists that he's got Faux-licity eating out of his hand, and that she's not suspicious at all. FATB nevertheless insists that Faux-licity be killed once she provides them with vital information. "Just to be safe." Dun dun dun!
Back at the Palmer Hotel, Kiefer leads Faux-licity into LittleTerrorBrother's hotel room, and basically the narrative is interrupted by one big infomercial for fiber optics, as Kiefer explains to the technophobic Faux-licity that the technology allowing them to capture every angle of her sex with a terrorist was made possible by fiber optic wiring. "Fiber optic cameras are tiny cameras," explains Kiefer. "They're almost impossible to see." Bottom line is, there is no escape from the cameras. They are literally everywhere. Oh sure, in a boring old FBI sting there'd just be a camera in each room or something, but in Kiefer's, you get every juicy angle thanks to fiber optics. Kiefer sits down with Faux-licity and shows her the tracking device he wants her to plant in LittleTerrorBrother's wallet. "He'll have it with him, even when he changes clothes," explains Kiefer. As soon as she plants the device, Kiefer, who is watching on the KieferKam in the room, will call her cell phone and pretend to "summon" her out of the room. And if she feels that the jig is up or gets nervous for any reason, all she has to say is "I think I'm getting a cold" and a SWAT team will move in. "But that would ruin the plan," argues Faux-licity. Kiefer insists that her safety is the top priority. And in the 24-verse, that means that she's as safe as a lobster in a cooking pot. Nevertheless, Faux-licity thanks Kiefer for giving her a chance to redeem herself…you know, for having sex. And then, to make it super-sexy, Kiefer takes the tracking device, which looks like a ring, and places it in Faux-licity's little palm. His own hand closes around her tiny fist, comforting her and thanking her for being a vital part of Operation Vagina.
Back at the restaurant, where I totally want to have a meal right now, Mr. Martin finally arrives. He totally recognizes Bride and makes reference to the fact that she used to be a regular customer. "Will Dr. Parslow be joining you?" asks Mr. Martin. "Dr. Parslow?" says Bride, getting pink-cheeked at the mention of this doctor's name. Mr. Martin is all, "Are you feeling all right?" because Bride is clearly out of her mind. Bride admits, amidst nervous chuckles, to having lost her memory, and wants to know more about this Dr. Parslow. Mr. Martin tells her that she and Dr. Parslow used to come to this restaurant together all the time, until recently. In fact, Mr. Martin thinks it might be a good idea to give Dr. Parslow a call. "But he's not my husband," says Bride. "But he's a doctor," insists Mr. Martin.
Back at the Palmer Hotel, everyone lies in wait for LittleTerrorBrother to enter the building. The various agents clear out of his hotel room and take their positions out of sight in the adjoining rooms. Operation Vagina is on. Everyone waits for LTB to enter his room so that Faux-licity can visit. While they wait, Kiefer asks Nina what she's "holding back" from Kiefer. Nina fesses up to Bride confronting her about her affair with Kiefer. "Did you tell her that it was over?" asks Kiefer. Oh, the layers of meaning in that question! Nina is all, "Of course!" Kiefer regrets never telling Bride himself, and doesn't get mad at Nina. Kiefer hears a crackle from a walkie-talkie. LittleTerrorBrother has entered the building. He'll be there by the end of this commercial break…I mean, "in the two to three minutes." The time is 4:35:06 PM.
The time is 4:39:17 PM. Klockwise from the top left, LittleTerrorBrother enters his room, Kiefer and Nina watch him on the KieferKam, and Faux-licity gets ready "backstage." LittleTerrorBrother gets settled in his suite, taking all this stuff out of his pockets like his cell and TerrorPalmPilot…but not his wallet. Nina and Kiefer watch as he takes off his jacket and throws it on the bed. Kiefer picks up a big honking walkie-talkie and bellows, "Let Faux-licity know that the wallet is either in his pants or in the jacket on the bed!" Of course she's gotta plant something near his privates or on a bed. It's Operation Vagina. Nina watches grimly as LittleTerrorBrother plays with his lustrous hair and drinks mineral water in preparation for his TerrorTryst. But then all of a sudden, it's Faux-licity's big acting moment. She steps off the elevator and takes a big deep breath. Standing at the door, she works up the nerve to knock for, like, forty-five minutes, and when she does, she bugs her eyes out like Bride of Frankenstein. Oh, and then she unbuttons her blouse and practices some sexually voracious facial expressions to herself outside while LittleTerrorBrother takes his sweet time getting the door.
He lets her in and starts trying to make out with her. She's not feeling it and refuses to let him kiss her on the mouth. Ew. I've been on both ends of a kiss like that, and it's not a self-esteem booster either way. She refuses to put down her purse and just paces the room. "You seem a little…tense," says LittleTerrorBrother. Faux-licity blames it on the primary polls closing in an hour. This leads to a subtext-laden discussion about "exit polls," "outcomes," and "official" victories. "What can we do to help you relax?" asks LittleTerrorBrother, who is clearly doing a most admirable job of dealing with the fact that his date for the early evening is acting like Sally Field as Cybil on her date with Brad Davis. Faux-licity asks for some "vodka," even though what she really seems to need is a roofie. They kiss. Reluctantly, Faux-licity lets him stick her tongue down her throat. Hey, Kiefer's wife had to do worse in the name of democracy. Oh, and these reaction shots from Nina and Kiefer are priceless. It's like they're trying to keep straight faces while thinking, "Oh my God, man, this is my job!" All of a sudden, something changes. Faux-licity does a Three Faces of Eve thing and gets all hot and sexy and into the moment. She becomes Illicit Faux-licity.
LTB goes off to pour vodka for the two of them. She goes off in search of his wallet. She finds it, drops it under the bed, then finds it again in the nick of time before he comes back, slipping it into her own pocket. Watching this, Nina and Kiefer cringe and mutter. LTB gives Faux-licity the vodka, holds her gently, and rocks her. "I'm sorry this campaign has caused you so much stress," he sighs. "Goes with the territory," says Faux-licity bitterly. LittleTerrorBrother promises they'll go away together after all of this is over, and tries to pry some more information out of Faux-licity about the Senator's whereabouts and plans. "What about his victory speech," asks LTB. "Will he be delivering it here at the hotel?" Why don't you just ask for his email password already? Faux-licity coyly asks him why he's so fascinated with the comings and goings of a U.S. Senator. LTB feeds her a line about wanting to know Palmer's every move because he is so close to Faux-licity. Faux-licity gets cagey and starts challenging his knowledge of her. "We've only spent fifteen hours together and most of that has been in bed!" she says, becoming Bitter Last Tango in Paris Faux-licity. "That wasn't smart," snaps Nina from behind the KieferKam. Hee! LittleTerrorBrother sits up in bed -- his six-pack visible under his Gucci-esque dress shirt -- and asks her if he should feel complimented or insulted by her last comment. Faux-licity is all, "Both," and then asks him to order them some food from room service. "I was hoping you'd be hungry for something other than food," says LTB, going off to get the menu.
While he's gone, Faux-licity puts the wallet back. "Good girl," says Kiefer from behind the KieferKam. The plant has been made. Kiefer gets ready to call her cell phone, but then something unplanned happens. LTB takes out a ring and asks Faux-licity to marry him. Transfixed by his offer but not in a good way, Faux-licity ignores Kiefer's kall and turns off her cell phone so she can play cat-and-mouse games on her own. Of course, LTB wants her to answer her phone because it could be more news about Palmer, but Faux-licity lets her voice mail get it. Behind the KieferKam, things get tense. "What is she doing?" gasps Kiefer. "She's baiting him," says Nina, who'd know a thing or two about bait herself. "Order me a hamburger," says Faux-licity, removing her jacket. "What's that in her hand?" asks Kiefer from behind the KieferKam. Faux-licity has a letter opener in her hand. Nina and Kiefer call for the SWAT team to fall in, but it's too late. Faux-licity stabs LittleTerrorBrother in the stomach just as the agents burst into the room. They pull Faux-licity out of there while Kiefer tries to revive LTB. "We cannot let him die!" barks Kiefer. The time is 4:50:19 PM.
The time is 4:54:45 PM. Klockwise from the top left, paramedics rush to save LittleTerrorBrother from the jaws of death, Nina watches on the KieferKam, and Spawn's cab arrives at Rick's house. Spawn tells the driver to wait while she gets out and knocks on the front door. Single-Shouldered Fatigue Tube Top Skank answers the door. Jeez, you'd think if you were Rick and you didn't want your various girlfriends to have ugly confrontations, you'd keep your ear cocked for the front doorbell. Fortunately, Rick shows up just as things are getting slightly ugly. He explains that Spawn is there because of something involving Evil Frat Boy #2 and last night. "You said you cut your arm on a fence," says SkankofRick. Spawn convinces SkankofRick that she just wants to go through Dan's room to find some information…and borrow some cab fare. Rick pays the driver while SkankofRick gives Spawn the evil eye from across the porch.
The time is 4:57:18 PM. Bride has fallen asleep at the banquette of the Venus Flytrap Café. A man -- think Michael Gross from Family Ties, but with sexier eyes -- enters with a leather briefcase and wakes her up. "You don't remember me?" he says. "Phil?" she says. How did she know his name was Phil? "Are you my doctor?" asks Bride. "No, not exactly," chuckles Dr. Phil. Mr. Martin enters, and Dr. Phil thanks him for calling him. Bride reluctantly accepts their offer of some water. Dr. Phil promises that he's going to make Bride of Kiefer all better as soon as he gets to the bottom of everything.
Back at the Palmer Suite, Kiefer paces around in a bloodstained shirt, getting chewed out by Xander Berkeley over the phone for going ahead with such a reckless plan, and tells Xander that LTB has a fifty-fifty chance of surviving Faux-licity's Dance of the Seven Veils. "What am I going to tell district?" sighs Xander. Kiefer tells Xander to keep district off his back while he figures out his move.
Palmer enters. He's furious to find out that the plan backfired, and that now his precious Faux-licity is in custody. "She broke from the plan," kounters Kiefer. "She attacked him." Palmer runs over to the room where Faux-licity is being questioned by Nina as she wipes TerrorBlood off her hands with a washcloth. "I'm so sorry," she sobs helplessly. "I don't know what happened!" Palmer tells Faux-licity not to cooperate without a lawyer present. Kiefer tells Palmer that he's not helping matters by interfering like this. Somewhere in the midst of this chaos, a lone cell phone rings. It's LittleTerrorBrother's cell phone. Nina and Kiefer contemplate what to do. Kiefer decides to risk it and answer. "D'ya have the money?" says the voice on the other end. Kiefer plays along and arranges to meet up with this mystery TerrorAssociate somewhere downtown. "I'll be wearing a red baseball cap," say the lips of the goateed TerrorAssociate. Kiefer hangs up, and Nina looks at him like he's crazy. The time is 4:59:58…4:59:59…5:00:00 PM.