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"My ex-girlfriend forced Sidney Poitier to make out with her at the Oscars, and my father whored himself out by doing the backstage commentary with Glenn Close -- duties that Peter Coyote performed alone last year. And I wasn't nominated for anything this year because my whole life is this Fox show that might not even be picked up for year and is doing an amnesia subplot this week. My name is Kiefer. Today is the longest day of my life."
Previouslys. TerrorBabyBrother keeps getting information about Palmer's whereabouts from Faux-licity until she realizes that he's the hit man sent to take down Palmer. She agrees to wear a "whatever wire" and meet him for a faux-rendezvous back at his hotel room. Xander's back as the "new quarterback." The Safe House is compromised and the Kieferettes are on the run once more, but they've split up because Bride thought she killed Spawn and got amnesia. Spawn is, unfortunately, very much alive.
What's up with the teens of today? Why do they, like Spawn of Kiefer, wander the valleys of Southern California searching frantically for their mothers? Back in my day, we were psyched to be away from parental supervision. She doesn't even have to go back to school because she was kidnapped. Yet there she is, combing some highway in search of her mother, who as we all know was driven away by Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super. I mean, call a cab and have them take you to CTU. Don't make this such a Byzantine thing, okay, Kirsten Dunst wanna-be? And speaking of Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super, there she is, driving Bride of Kiefer to the hospital. Bride is looking at herself in the mirror as if for the first time. Because, you see, she's got amnesia. That's right, folks. Amnesia. They'd better be going somewhere good here. Just saying. A stripped-down electronica theme that combines the funk of Prince with the minimalism of Tangerine Dream, and maybe even a little of that Duran Duran track "The Chauffeur," plays while Bride lightly removes a single tissue from the car tissue dispenser, which is literally brimming with fresh tissues. Like, what is Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super doing driving around and keeping tissues in her car? She touches the tissue to her face and brushes off that artful smudge of dirt that accumulated there just moments ago when she sort-of killed her daughter, fell to the ground, and stumbled around all Anne-Heche-style until JLH's PRS picked her up. Now of course if I had dirt all over my face, I'd wipe myself down pretty hard with that tissue. But I'm sure the make-up department asked Ms. Hope not to disturb the maquillage and to dab lightly so that they didn't have to keep reapplying between takes. "I've never met anyone who had amnesia before," says JLH's PRS, who looks really uncomfortable behind those huge bangs. What's up with the hairdresser of the show and his obsession with bangs? Not to mention, how meta is it that they have to draw attention to the rarity that amnesia is outside the world of Latin-American daytime dramas? Bride thanks JLH's PRS for helping her out and finds out that her name is "Tanya," the same name that Patty Hearst robbed banks under. "Tanya" suggests that Bride "comes from money," as suggested by her rings. Bride looks down at her wedding ring and realizes that she has no memory of having a husband.
“ HSSG forgives Faux-licity for allowing her vagina to compromise the security of a presidential candidate, since that very vagina is now helping to fight crime. ”
Back at the Palmer Hotel, Kiefer, Nina, Faux-licity, and eight or so armed federal agents enter and get to work bugging TakeOnKief's hotel room. Uh, isn't that a bit nervy to be hanging out in a hit man's hotel room? Head Secret Service Guy greets Kiefer and apologizes to him for disarming him during the first Palmer Assassination Attempt of the day. "I had no idea what kind of pressure you were under at the time," says HSSG. Kiefer introduces HSSG to the whole CTU surveillance team and Faux-licity. Faux-licity uses this opportunity to apologize for all the trouble her sex life caused the Senator. HSSG forgives Faux-licity for allowing her vagina to compromise the security of a presidential candidate, since that very vagina is now helping to fight crime. Oh, and plus she's awfully courageous to risk her life and stuff. HSSG escorts them into TakeOnKief's hotel room. Kiefer authoritatively orders his men to "cover every square inch" of the room. He also turns to Nina and orders her to "prep" Faux-licity. Like, what's she gonna do? Help her do practice kisses into a pillow? Teach her how to put the condom on with her teeth? Get her drunk? He orders HSSG to alert him "the minute that TakeOnKief enters this hotel."
More psycho seventies piano music plays -- you know, that ominous "tinkle tinkle tinkle" that's in every suburban horror film -- as Bride and JLH's PRS pass a place that Bride insists looks familiar to her. JLH's PRS pulls into the driveway of this cute little outdoorsy restaurant where there is so much lush vegetation everywhere that they ought to call it the Venus Flytrap Caf. Bride runs out of the car like a woman possessed. She walks through the slate-floored interior and into the shady back garden adorned with vine-covered latticework, and proclaims that she's definitely been there before. "I was with someone," she says. "Your husband?" prods the tertiary guest star. "Not your husband?" Bride touches her fingers to her lips and leaves the question unanswered. You see, boys and girls, the sauce that's good for the Kiefer is good for the Bride of Kiefer. That's right. During the separation, Bride wasn't sitting around the house eating Snackwells and popping Xanax. She was out taking advantage of those dollar margaritas at the local Mexican restaurant, shaking her groove thing, and writing poetry in exclusively lowercase letters with no punctuation like the lusty worldly woman she truly is! She was having some unicorn sex of her own! And now that she's got amnesia, the only way back to her forgotten past is through those hot lonely nights. Okay, maybe we don't know that alreadybut we know this already. JLH's PRS asks for a maitre d' or a manager. The waiter replies that "Mr. Martin" will be in shortly. Okay, since when do restaurant managers insist on being called "Mister" anything? "Maybe this Mr. Martin knows something about me," says Bride, caressing the glossy solid wood chairs. She decides to stay, and asks JLH's PRS for her number so she can send her "whatever I can afford" later on. "Know what?" says JLH's PRS in that scratchy Courtney voice. "Send me whatever you can affordplus ten dollars." She leaves Bride a ten spot for cab fare to the nearest hospital, and exits. Buh-bye, Jennifer Love Hewitt's Punk-Rock Super.
4:00 PM -- 5:00 PM
“ Apparently, when Spawn is not supervised by adults, she tends to walk in the middle of the street and almost get hit by cars. Because she's that innocent of the ways of man like that. ”
Back at the Palmer hotel, Nina finishes "prepping" Faux-licity by reminding her that she's got to act like she normally does around TakeOnKief. Oh, like jumping his bones the second she enters the room, you mean? Nina sympathizes, working girl to working girl, with Faux-licity on the highs and lows of risky relationships. Palmer enters and tries to talk Faux-licity out of going through with Operation Vagina. Faux-licity insists that she really really wants to. Palmer pulls Kiefer aside and chastises him for putting Faux-licity at risk. Kiefer explains that he's got the room hooked up, and he and all the CTU SWAT team members will be there to save Faux-licity should anything go wrong. Palmer doesn't like the idea of Faux-licity being alone with a professional killer, no matter how close Kiefer is. Kiefer argues that the only way to stop the assassination is to follow LittleTerrorBrother and see where he leads them. Palmer is koncerned that Kiefer is doing something risky, motivated by the desire for "payback" over what his own family went throughhell, is going through. He tells Kiefer that Faux-licity's parents are old friends, and he's known Faux-licity since she was born. Therefore, he's holding Kiefer responsible if anything infelicitous happens to Faux-licity. The velvety Sutherland voice lowers to a smoky whisper. The vibrations emanating from that mellifluous purr soothe the Senator's nerves and promise that Operation Vagina will go as smoothly and as velvetily as the KieferVoice itself. Palmer, in spite of his better judgment, gives a good luck thumbs-up to Faux-licity and exits. The time is 4:10:32 PM.
Oh, this Pizza Hut "P'Zone ad" is so horrifying. The lukewarm pandering to the "urban demographic" -- complete with turntables, braids, and booty -- bugs. Hunchback of Notre Dame II is available on DVD. Wow. I haven't even bought HoND I yet. This UPS "Brown" ad is styling, but it just isn't a good idea to have "Brown" as your buzzword color. Because I'm five like that.
The time is 4:14:46 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn walks back to civilization, Bride waits for her lover, CTU agents bug TakeOnKief's hotel room, and ForeignAccentedTerrorDude sits in some caf brooding over something. Apparently, when Spawn is not supervised by adults, she tends to walk in the middle of the street and almost get hit by cars. Because she's that innocent of the ways of man like that. She dashes across a rest area parking lot with a lot of Hare Krishnas congregating toward a pay phone. She finds some change in the coin return -- like that ever happens -- and calls CTU. Soul Patch answers, and Spawn asks to speak to Kiefer. Soul Patch tells her that Kiefer is unavailable and asks who this is. Spawn identifies herself and tells him about the Safe House being attacked. "The agents are dead and my mother is gone!" she screeches into the pay phone. Soul Patch wants to know where she is so he can send someone to pick her up. Spawn refuses to give her location. She's worried about falling for another Jalapeno-style switcheroo. She refuses to disclose her location to anyone but Nina Myers or Kiefer. Soul Patch tries to explain about Jalapeno being, uh, no longer employed by CTU, but Spawn is having none of it. She hangs up on Soul Patch.
Soul Patch saunters over to Xander Berkeley's office and tells him about the Safe House being attacked and the rest of his call from Spawn. They call the Safe House. No answer. Xander sends agents over to check out the story, and orders Soul Patch to do a "Whatever Search" of every single pay phone in Southern California to find Spawn's whereabouts. "You gonna call Jack or do you want me to?" asks Soul Patch. Xander doesn't want Kiefer notified. The "emotional reaction" might "distract" him. Bad bureaucratic Xander!
Back at the Palmer suite, the un-distracted Kiefer touches base with Nina, who doesn't think Faux-licity should be involved in Operation Vagina. "I don't know if we're doing the right thing," says Nina. Kiefer reminds her how helpful the successful operation would be for their investigation. Plus, worse comes to worst, SWAT teams break in to the hotel room, they arrest TakeOnKief and "turn him." Nina's female intuition is no match for Kiefer's velvety delivery. She backs down. He gets all patronizing on her ass and reminds her to "stay focused." Nina calls him on his shit and asks him what's up his ass. Kiefer breaks down and describes in velvety intensity the worry he has about the safety of the Kieferettes. He is upset that Nina didn't see to it personally that they were safe, and wants to know why she left the debriefing to HandsomeBlackAndNowDeadGuard. Debriefing: the word that never gets old. Nina tries not to tell him about her conversation with Bride. She exits to go wait in the surveillance room for Kiefer.
Back at Chez Rick, Rick has put a shirt on, but lest we feel cheated of any Rick objectification, he's lying face down on the bed, providing the camera with a big close-up of his perky jeans-clad ass. The phone is always ringing, and now is no exception. I guess Rick is so down and out that he and his girlfriend can't afford an answering machine to go with their AT&T cordless phone. He answers. It's Spawn. Of course. But now Rick is listening, because she tells him about the Safe House being attacked and how her mom is gone. Oh yeah, that's just the girl you want to come spend the night. A girl who is being hunted by the terrorist organization that you just deserted. Don't even worry about bringing an extra toothbrush, Spawn! Mi casa es su casa. Rick is predictably reluctant to have Spawn come crash at his pad, so Spawn threatens to expose Rick to CTU if he doesn't let her come over. He reluctantly gives her his address just as his one-shouldered-fatigue-tube-top-wearing girlfriend saunters in to be a jealous horny skank. Wow, Rick has a Noguchi lamp. Or maybe it's just the Ikea version.