Gustave gave this episode a grade of
A-
369 users have given this episode an average grade of
A
Blip blip blip. 24. My name is Kiefer. My wife and this woman I fooled around with from my office are under the same roof. This is the longest day of my life.
Previouslys. Bride of Kiefer still doesn't understand why she's being held in a "safe house." Furthermore, she's pregnant. And she's just konfronted Nina about her and Kiefer's past. LittleTerrorBrother promises FATB that Palmer will be dead by midnight. Palmer goes to CTU to konfront Kiefer, and they both find out who their enemy is: an Eastern bloc terrorist family named Drazen. Palmer tells Chappelle to reinstate Kiefer. HardBoiledWhiteGuy gets strangled at a urinal while on the phone with Kiefer. The following takes place between 3:00 PM and 4:00 PM on the day of the California primary.
Kiefer's still on the line with HBWG, but HBWG is dead. HBWG's mystery assassin searches HBWG's pockets frantically for something while Kiefer is still all, "Hello? hello?" over the phone. Mystery assassin finds something, puts it in his (or her) bag, and exits the men's room, stopping briefly to hang up on Kiefer. Kiefer kalls back, but the voicemail komes on. "Think Kiefer, just think," says Kiefer to his velvety-voiced self. He kalls some guy from the CTU New Orleans office and reports HBWG's disappearance. Milo enters. He's found satellite photos of all of the "back-up shooters." One of them is the guy who Nina met at the clinic, the other one is TakeOnKief, and then there's one who's really unattractive so we're not doing to dwell on him, are we? Kiefer looks them over and tells Milo to forward them to Palmer's staff so they can have a look at them. Oh, and TakeOnKief, whom Milo refers to as "Johnny Cool Guy," is Victor Drazen's son. He's in the Belgrade Special Forces. "Good work," says Kiefer.
Speak of the devil, TakeOnKief -- the luckiest cast member because he always gets to go outside, eat at nice restaurants, and even get laid -- is walking through a swanky L.A. neighborhood when his phone rings. He answers it. It's Faux-licity, telling him that she hasn't left town after all. "What made the Senator change his mind?" asks TOK. Faux-licity doesn't know the answer to that question, but doesn't get suspicious. They arrange to meet up at their hotel sometime in the middle of the episodeI mean, "at 4:30 PM." TOK gets into a sporty car and drives off. Faux-licity walks back into the Palmer headquarters while a Secret Service guy checks her out with a mixture of suspicion and lust.
The Safe House. Federal Agents dressed as contractors and landscapers touch base over their super-secret radio system. They report back to HandsomeBlackGuard, who checks out their location through the windows of the safe house. The phone rings. HandsomeBlackGuard gets it. It's Kiefer for Bride. Atonal piano music starts playing. Bride, who is still in her catatonic state in the bedroom, takes the call. Kiefer wants to know if everything is really really okay. He sensed that Bride had something important to tell him. Again Bride insists that everything is fine. "We'll talk when this is all over, okay?" she says, stroking her government-issue bed linens in a scary obsessive manner.
Back at the Palmer suite, Palmer enters just as Secret Service Guy is unveiling photos of the back-up shooters to Palmer's staff on a laptop. When he gets to a photo of TakeOnKief, Faux-licity gasps and runs out of the room like she's going to barf. LadyMac watches her exit, because she's never seen a white girl run so fast in all her life. Palmer follows Faux-licity, lays a paternal hand on her shoulder, and asks her what's wrong.
Meanwhile, it's Spawn's turn to be kwestioned by Nina and her kamera. She klaims that she doesn't know where Rick is, and Nina is telling her how inkonvenient it is for her to pretend not to know where Rick is. "He helped us eskape!" says Spawn oh-so-subtly. "When people are taken hostage," says Nina, clasping her fingers together deliciously and savoring a memory of being taken hostage earlier that day, "it's not uncommon for them to feel a certain bond with their kidnappers." Kim whines that Rick wasn't her kidnapperand that she doesn't even know where he is anyway. Bride enters because she's ready to resume being kwestioned again. Kim takes a break and leaves the room. Before Nina turns on the camera, Bride tries to smooth over their last conversation by reiterating that Kiefer and Bride were separated when Kiefer did Nina and that she really shouldn't hold it against Nina. Yeah, ladies, there's no reason a man should kome between you. Don't let the Kiefer kome between a sister! Nina turns on the camera and asks about Rick, konfiding in Bride that she believes Spawn is holding back to protect Rick. Bride doesn't take too kindly to Nina's insinuation that Spawn would lie, so there's more tension. Well, that was a short ceasefire.
Faux-licity sits in the Palmer Suite with a pillow held protectively on her lap while Palmer kalls Kiefer and tells him about a staff member of his who recognized the back-up shooter from one of the pictures. "They're in kontact," says Palmer. "In what kontext?" asks Kiefer. "Intimate," answers Palmer. He quickly adds that Faux-licity wants to help in any way she can. Kiefer asks Palmer to send her over to CTU for kwestioning. Oh, and Kiefer tells Palmer about the supposed death of HBWG. The time is 3:11:25 PM.
The time is 3:15:49 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn makes another bad judgment callliterally, Shirtless Rick enters his bedroom to get the phone through some Greg Brady beaded curtains, and Bride answers more kwestions. Well, as long as Rick's alive, he might as well show us some more skin. And this week it's not just a brief glance at his pecs; it's full torso. He picks through some dirty laundry in search of his cordless phone and finally answers. SheWhoShallNotTakeAHintAlready chirpily kongratulates herself on kovering for Rick, but Rick isn't too happy that Spawn is even discussing Rick around Nina. Spawn once again tries to konvince Rick to turn himself in so she doesn't have to keep lying. Rick vetoes that idea and tells her not to kall him for a while. Straggly-Haired Girlfriend of Rick, who is wearing a one-shoulder fatigue halter top, enters, and Rick hangs up. She wants to have sex. Rick just wants to "krash." Girlfriend of Rick exits.
3:00 PM -- 4:00 PM
“ Kiefer changes clothes, but obviously he ate carbs before the shoot or something because we're only coming in once he has his shirt fully on. ”
Back at the Safe House, Nina continues to kwestion Bride, who is starting to space out and make senseless answers. Nina suggests that Bride needs another break. Bride wants to go on. Nina insists. "Just do your job," says Bride. "Don't you have a job to do?" "I wish it were that simple," says Nina. "Things tend to get komplicated when you screw your boss," says Bride bitterly. Ree-ow! Actually, things get way more komplicated when you are screwing everyone you work with, but that's a whole other story. Nina is all, "This obviously isn't working." Bride apologizes. "I thought I could stay calm and rational about this but I can't do it," says Bride. Nina decides to go back to CTU and let HandsomeBlackAgent finish kwestioning Bride. Bride's lipstick matches her blouse for some reason.
Back in the KieferKube, Kiefer changes clothes, but obviously he ate carbs before the shoot or something because we're only coming in once he has his shirt fully on. Xander Berkeley enters. "I'm the new quarterback," he announces. Apparently, Alberta Vo5 and Chappelle are both gone and we didn't even get to say goodbye. I'll bet anything that Chappelle's lines were originally supposed to be said by Xander, but Xander wasn't available for a couple of episodes, so they invented Chappelle to take up the slack. Kiefer puts on his shoes and explains how the Drazens are behind the whole Palmer hit and how Kiefer is also a target and how they lost HBWG before he could track down any additional information. But there's more. Kiefer tells Xander about Faux-licity and how she's coming by to answer some kwestions about TakeOnKief. "She's been dating him," says Kiefer. Xander's eyes widen at the thought of anyone dating. "That'll give us time to stage an arrest," says Xander. Kiefer wants more, though. He suggests that they let Faux-licity keep her date with TOK and plant a homing device on him. "We'd have the upper hand for the first time in a long time," says Kiefer. Unfortunately, Xander thinks it's too risky.
Palmer Suite. Theo enters. Palmer wants to talk to him about recent events. "The pressure is on," says Palmer. "It's testing all of us." Theo insists that everything's okay between the two of them. Palmer tells Theo that it bothers him what Theo said about Ferragamo being there for him. Palmer wants to be there for Theo like Ferragamo was. "I'll always be there," he says. Uh, when? While you're in the White House? Whatever. "Thanks, Dad," says Theo. Oh, and speaking of Ferragamo, his killers are still at large because of all other shit going down with the assassination. Theo is snitty about this. "I need you now, Dad," says Theo. "Not just to talk to me, but to do the right thing." He storms out. Palmer stops him and assures him that he will do the "right thing" -- eventually. "Sure you will," says Theo sarcastically. Uh, Theo? Remember that guy you killed? What's the "right thing" to do in a situation like that? Little shit.
3:00 PM -- 4:00 PM
Faux-FBI agent calls FATB from his cell in a parked car to tell him that they found where the Kieferettes are being kept. FATB wants to know how many men are guarding them. FauxFBIAgent assures FATB that he's taken care of everything. And just to let us know that that's the truth, the camera pulls back to reveal a dead CTU guard in the car with FauxFBIAgent. They hang up, and FauxFBIAgent puts his hard hat back on and poses the dead CTU guard a la Weekend At Bernie's. Oh, he killed someone else too. Inside the Safe House, which is getting more and more unsafe by the minute, Bride and Spawn lie in bed together, spooning. The time is 3:23:56 PM.
The time is 3:28:50 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn sleeps, Kiefer types, and a dead CTU guard pushes up daisies. Back at CTU, Kiefer is sitting at a new desk on the floor. Actually, it might as well be Nina's for all we know. Kiefer kan't get access to the "whatever technology," so he asks Milo for help. Milo tells Kiefer that he's been "downgraded" security-wise, then hacks around and circumvents the system so Kiefer has access to everything he needs. "Don't worry," says Milo. "You'll be back up in your office by tomorrow." Kiefer isn't so optimistic. They have a moment. As Milo is walking away, Kiefer calls him back and gives him a heads-up. He's supposed to look for anyone accessing anything suspiciouslike a second mole, for instance. Milo agrees to keep his eyes open.
Palmer Suite. Theo is having a heated phone discussion with Kreepy Karl. They arrange to meet face-to-face at the Griffith Park Observatory. During the call, Li'l Lisa Bonet enters. I guess she was gone getting this new haircutand hopefully some acting lessons. Li'l Lisa wants to know what's going on. Theo assures her that he's only "protecting" her. "Theo!" says Li'l Lisa. "The last time you protected me, someone died." She immediately apologizes for bringing up that painful history. Theo wants to make things right with the whole dead-rapist-and-therapist thing. He asks Nicole to help him by distracting the Secret Service. She does this, and Theo slips out -- ostensibly to grab a cup of coffee -- and sneaks out the back exit.