Blip blip blip. 24. My name is Kiefer. My wife and this woman I fooled around with from my office are under the same roof. This is the longest day of my life.
Previouslys. Bride of Kiefer still doesn't understand why she's being held in a "safe house." Furthermore, she's pregnant. And she's just konfronted Nina about her and Kiefer's past. LittleTerrorBrother promises FATB that Palmer will be dead by midnight. Palmer goes to CTU to konfront Kiefer, and they both find out who their enemy is: an Eastern bloc terrorist family named Drazen. Palmer tells Chappelle to reinstate Kiefer. HardBoiledWhiteGuy gets strangled at a urinal while on the phone with Kiefer. The following takes place between 3:00 PM and 4:00 PM on the day of the California primary.
Kiefer's still on the line with HBWG, but HBWG is dead. HBWG's mystery assassin searches HBWG's pockets frantically for something while Kiefer is still all, "Hello? hello?" over the phone. Mystery assassin finds something, puts it in his (or her) bag, and exits the men's room, stopping briefly to hang up on Kiefer. Kiefer kalls back, but the voicemail komes on. "Think Kiefer, just think," says Kiefer to his velvety-voiced self. He kalls some guy from the CTU New Orleans office and reports HBWG's disappearance. Milo enters. He's found satellite photos of all of the "back-up shooters." One of them is the guy who Nina met at the clinic, the other one is TakeOnKief, and then there's one who's really unattractive so we're not doing to dwell on him, are we? Kiefer looks them over and tells Milo to forward them to Palmer's staff so they can have a look at them. Oh, and TakeOnKief, whom Milo refers to as "Johnny Cool Guy," is Victor Drazen's son. He's in the Belgrade Special Forces. "Good work," says Kiefer.
Speak of the devil, TakeOnKief -- the luckiest cast member because he always gets to go outside, eat at nice restaurants, and even get laid -- is walking through a swanky L.A. neighborhood when his phone rings. He answers it. It's Faux-licity, telling him that she hasn't left town after all. "What made the Senator change his mind?" asks TOK. Faux-licity doesn't know the answer to that question, but doesn't get suspicious. They arrange to meet up at their hotel sometime in the middle of the episode…I mean, "at 4:30 PM." TOK gets into a sporty car and drives off. Faux-licity walks back into the Palmer headquarters while a Secret Service guy checks her out with a mixture of suspicion and lust.
The Safe House. Federal Agents dressed as contractors and landscapers touch base over their super-secret radio system. They report back to HandsomeBlackGuard, who checks out their location through the windows of the safe house. The phone rings. HandsomeBlackGuard gets it. It's Kiefer for Bride. Atonal piano music starts playing. Bride, who is still in her catatonic state in the bedroom, takes the call. Kiefer wants to know if everything is really really okay. He sensed that Bride had something important to tell him. Again Bride insists that everything is fine. "We'll talk when this is all over, okay?" she says, stroking her government-issue bed linens in a scary obsessive manner.
Back at the Palmer suite, Palmer enters just as Secret Service Guy is unveiling photos of the back-up shooters to Palmer's staff on a laptop. When he gets to a photo of TakeOnKief, Faux-licity gasps and runs out of the room like she's going to barf. LadyMac watches her exit, because she's never seen a white girl run so fast in all her life. Palmer follows Faux-licity, lays a paternal hand on her shoulder, and asks her what's wrong.
Meanwhile, it's Spawn's turn to be kwestioned by Nina and her kamera. She klaims that she doesn't know where Rick is, and Nina is telling her how inkonvenient it is for her to pretend not to know where Rick is. "He helped us eskape!" says Spawn oh-so-subtly. "When people are taken hostage," says Nina, clasping her fingers together deliciously and savoring a memory of being taken hostage earlier that day, "it's not uncommon for them to feel a certain bond with their kidnappers." Kim whines that Rick wasn't her kidnapper…and that she doesn't even know where he is anyway. Bride enters because she's ready to resume being kwestioned again. Kim takes a break and leaves the room. Before Nina turns on the camera, Bride tries to smooth over their last conversation by reiterating that Kiefer and Bride were separated when Kiefer did Nina and that she really shouldn't hold it against Nina. Yeah, ladies, there's no reason a man should kome between you. Don't let the Kiefer kome between a sister! Nina turns on the camera and asks about Rick, konfiding in Bride that she believes Spawn is holding back to protect Rick. Bride doesn't take too kindly to Nina's insinuation that Spawn would lie, so there's more tension. Well, that was a short ceasefire.
Faux-licity sits in the Palmer Suite with a pillow held protectively on her lap while Palmer kalls Kiefer and tells him about a staff member of his who recognized the back-up shooter from one of the pictures. "They're in kontact," says Palmer. "In what kontext?" asks Kiefer. "Intimate," answers Palmer. He quickly adds that Faux-licity wants to help in any way she can. Kiefer asks Palmer to send her over to CTU for kwestioning. Oh, and Kiefer tells Palmer about the supposed death of HBWG. The time is 3:11:25 PM.
The time is 3:15:49 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn makes another bad judgment call…literally, Shirtless Rick enters his bedroom to get the phone through some Greg Brady beaded curtains, and Bride answers more kwestions. Well, as long as Rick's alive, he might as well show us some more skin. And this week it's not just a brief glance at his pecs; it's full torso. He picks through some dirty laundry in search of his cordless phone and finally answers. SheWhoShallNotTakeAHintAlready chirpily kongratulates herself on kovering for Rick, but Rick isn't too happy that Spawn is even discussing Rick around Nina. Spawn once again tries to konvince Rick to turn himself in so she doesn't have to keep lying. Rick vetoes that idea and tells her not to kall him for a while. Straggly-Haired Girlfriend of Rick, who is wearing a one-shoulder fatigue halter top, enters, and Rick hangs up. She wants to have sex. Rick just wants to "krash." Girlfriend of Rick exits.
Back at the Safe House, Nina continues to kwestion Bride, who is starting to space out and make senseless answers. Nina suggests that Bride needs another break. Bride wants to go on. Nina insists. "Just do your job," says Bride. "Don't you have a job to do?" "I wish it were that simple," says Nina. "Things tend to get komplicated when you screw your boss," says Bride bitterly. Ree-ow! Actually, things get way more komplicated when you are screwing everyone you work with, but that's a whole other story. Nina is all, "This obviously isn't working." Bride apologizes. "I thought I could stay calm and rational about this but I can't do it," says Bride. Nina decides to go back to CTU and let HandsomeBlackAgent finish kwestioning Bride. Bride's lipstick matches her blouse for some reason.
Back in the KieferKube, Kiefer changes clothes, but obviously he ate carbs before the shoot or something because we're only coming in once he has his shirt fully on. Xander Berkeley enters. "I'm the new quarterback," he announces. Apparently, Alberta Vo5 and Chappelle are both gone and we didn't even get to say goodbye. I'll bet anything that Chappelle's lines were originally supposed to be said by Xander, but Xander wasn't available for a couple of episodes, so they invented Chappelle to take up the slack. Kiefer puts on his shoes and explains how the Drazens are behind the whole Palmer hit and how Kiefer is also a target and how they lost HBWG before he could track down any additional information. But there's more. Kiefer tells Xander about Faux-licity and how she's coming by to answer some kwestions about TakeOnKief. "She's been dating him," says Kiefer. Xander's eyes widen at the thought of anyone dating. "That'll give us time to stage an arrest," says Xander. Kiefer wants more, though. He suggests that they let Faux-licity keep her date with TOK and plant a homing device on him. "We'd have the upper hand for the first time in a long time," says Kiefer. Unfortunately, Xander thinks it's too risky.
Palmer Suite. Theo enters. Palmer wants to talk to him about recent events. "The pressure is on," says Palmer. "It's testing all of us." Theo insists that everything's okay between the two of them. Palmer tells Theo that it bothers him what Theo said about Ferragamo being there for him. Palmer wants to be there for Theo like Ferragamo was. "I'll always be there," he says. Uh, when? While you're in the White House? Whatever. "Thanks, Dad," says Theo. Oh, and speaking of Ferragamo, his killers are still at large because of all other shit going down with the assassination. Theo is snitty about this. "I need you now, Dad," says Theo. "Not just to talk to me, but to do the right thing." He storms out. Palmer stops him and assures him that he will do the "right thing" -- eventually. "Sure you will," says Theo sarcastically. Uh, Theo? Remember that guy you killed? What's the "right thing" to do in a situation like that? Little shit.
Faux-FBI agent calls FATB from his cell in a parked car to tell him that they found where the Kieferettes are being kept. FATB wants to know how many men are guarding them. FauxFBIAgent assures FATB that he's taken care of everything. And just to let us know that that's the truth, the camera pulls back to reveal a dead CTU guard in the car with FauxFBIAgent. They hang up, and FauxFBIAgent puts his hard hat back on and poses the dead CTU guard a la Weekend At Bernie's. Oh, he killed someone else too. Inside the Safe House, which is getting more and more unsafe by the minute, Bride and Spawn lie in bed together, spooning. The time is 3:23:56 PM.
The time is 3:28:50 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn sleeps, Kiefer types, and a dead CTU guard pushes up daisies. Back at CTU, Kiefer is sitting at a new desk on the floor. Actually, it might as well be Nina's for all we know. Kiefer kan't get access to the "whatever technology," so he asks Milo for help. Milo tells Kiefer that he's been "downgraded" security-wise, then hacks around and circumvents the system so Kiefer has access to everything he needs. "Don't worry," says Milo. "You'll be back up in your office by tomorrow." Kiefer isn't so optimistic. They have a moment. As Milo is walking away, Kiefer calls him back and gives him a heads-up. He's supposed to look for anyone accessing anything suspicious…like a second mole, for instance. Milo agrees to keep his eyes open.
Palmer Suite. Theo is having a heated phone discussion with Kreepy Karl. They arrange to meet face-to-face at the Griffith Park Observatory. During the call, Li'l Lisa Bonet enters. I guess she was gone getting this new haircut…and hopefully some acting lessons. Li'l Lisa wants to know what's going on. Theo assures her that he's only "protecting" her. "Theo!" says Li'l Lisa. "The last time you protected me, someone died." She immediately apologizes for bringing up that painful history. Theo wants to make things right with the whole dead-rapist-and-therapist thing. He asks Nicole to help him by distracting the Secret Service. She does this, and Theo slips out -- ostensibly to grab a cup of coffee -- and sneaks out the back exit.
Back at CTU, more exposition about the DrazenBrothers. Faux-licity enters, escorted by a couple of Secret Service guys. Introductions are made, Kiefer's reputation is praised to the high heavens, and Faux-licity agrees to speak without a lawyer present, so they repair to the Konfrontational Koffee room. "I'll cooperate in anyway I can," says Faux-licity. Xander stares at her crotch right when she says this. Kiefer leaves the room to get Faux-licity some water -- even though this is the coffee room, like, do they have separate rooms for different beverages? -- and Xander asks her about TakeOnKief. Faux-licity says that TakeOnKief told her he ran an "import" business out of Berlin. She shows Xander a diamond bracelet that TOK gave her, which she estimates to be worth $10,000. "It's real," she adds. "Which is a lot more than I can say for him." We are living in a material world, and Faux-licity is a material girl. Kiefer comes back with the water and asks her where she met TOK. Faux-licity answers that she met him in D.C. while out for drinks with some people from the Palmer campaign. "You met him in a bar?" says Xander priggishly. So, Xander, I take it you meet chicks at the public library? But no, Faux-licity needs to explain why she'd be in a bar trolling for guys. Her life has been on hold for a year because of the campaign, and it gets lonely. Uh, yeah, that's my reason for going to bars too…that and the fact that they serve alcohol. But I'd just like to say that I've never met a guy in a bar. No sirree. I just have one monogamous relationship after another, and if I'm not meeting upstanding relationship-oriented men in an art gallery or at the opera, I'm usually getting picked up at my volunteer job reading to the blind or cooking vegetarian meals for homeless AIDS victims. Bars? Ew! What kind of a skank is this Faux-licity woman? No wonder she hooked up with a terrorist. I bet she tongue-kissed him that very night. Hey, Faux-licity is an easy lay. Pass it on. Anyway, Kiefer asks her if she can "keep [her] date" with TOK so that CTU can plant a tracking device on him. Xander, playing good cop, stresses that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. After some reluctance, Faux-licity agrees to do her part for democracy. "If something happened to Senator Palmer that I could have prevented," says Faux-licity, "I would never forgive myself."
Back at the Safe House, HandsomeBlackGuard is showing Bride and Spawn photos of various terrorists for identification purposes. Some of them are familiar to the Kieferettes, some of them aren't. A photo of Eli comes up. Spawn says that he was one of the guards. She and Bride flick their eyes around. "Can you tell me anything about him?" asks HandsomeBlackGuard. "No," says Spawn. Meanwhile, across the street, one of the Safe House guards keeping watch from the remote location is checking on his colleagues, but they're dead so they don't answer him. FauxFBIAgent walks through the door and shoots him in the neck with a dart gun…or something. He's down without a fight. Cue the early-twentieth-century avant garde atonal classical music. The time is 3:37:01 PM.
Seth Green, why did you leave Buffy for Greg the Bunny? Was working with Sarah Michelle Gellar such a pain that a Fox show with puppets and Eugene Levy seemed like a sweet career move?
The time is 3:41:26 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Theo drives to make his appointment with Kreepy Karl, Palmer looks pensive, FauxFBIAgent points his gun around some more, and Bride looks at more photos. More atonal piano music plays as Spawn answers more questions about the TerrorKompound. "What about you, Mrs. Bauer?" asks HandsomeBlackGuard. Bride doesn't answer because she's kracking. Spawn kalls for another break. HBG pours himself some koffee while Spawn tries to get Bride to snap out of her fugue state. Hey, at least she doesn't have amnesia…yet. Oops, did I say that out loud? HBG notices that there are no CTU agents around anymore. Uh-oh. He calls out for his back-up guards, but no one answers. Without hesitating, he grabs the Kieferettes, escorts them into the bedroom, and has them lock themselves inside. He hears rustling inside a closet. "Come out with your hands up!" he shouts. FauxFBIAgent comes out and drops his gun. It's too easy. HBG approaches him, and UnattractiveBack-upShooter comes up behind HBG and knifes him in the back…or something. Meanwhile, the Kieferettes have wisely left the "safety" of the bedroom and have booked to the garage, where they get into a car parked there and get the hell out of there. Where'd they get the keys? Oh, who cares? The music gets all Steven Reich-esque with these minimalist Middle Eastern vocals as the Kieferettes drive away from FauxFBIAgent's gunfire. UnattractiveBack-upShooter runs out too, but he gets shot by the not-dead-yet HBG. FauxFBIAgent shoots HBG -- so now he really is dead -- and runs after the KieferetteKar. Finally he gets into a TerrorKar of his own, and it's officially a car chase. Hey, Bride? Sometimes dead weight can slow you down, so you might want to jettison the Awn-spay…just a suggestion.
Back at CTU, Kiefer escorts Faux-licity and her Karl Lagerfeld baguette purse over to the door on her way to prepare to meet TakeOnKief. Milo takes Kiefer aside and tells him that they found the dead body of HardBoiledWhiteGuy in the men's room of a New Orleans bar. Old news as far as we're concerned. Kiefer asks if there are any leads. Milo says no. Nina enters. "What are you doing here?" asks Kiefer. Nina neglects to tell Kiefer that Bride is onto them, and instead informs Kiefer that she didn't feel she was needed over there anymore. "I specifically asked you to stay to make them feel safe," says Kiefer. Nina lists the security measures in place at the Safe House while, ironically, the screen splits to reveal the Kieferettes on the wild 'n' wacky road trip of their lives.
The chase continues onto one of those steep and windy mountain roads that by law is always the backdrop for a tension-filled car chase. The Kieferettes eventually lose FauxFBIAgent. Bride parks perilously close to the edge of the hill and tells Spawn to "stay right there." Whatever you say, Susan Smith. She gets out and looks around. The KieferetteKar rolls down the hill and bursts into flame…with Spawn inside. Way to spoil the fun, writers. Now I can't hate Spawn anymore because she's dead! Oh, wait. I can. Bride watches the explosion open-mouthed. More tension-building atonal symphonic music with pizzicato violins. Bride faints. The time is 03:47:22 PM.
The time is 3:52:12 PM. Klockwise from the top left, some monument stands there somewhere, Spawn kebabs, and Bride lies prostrate on the ground. Theo is at Griffith Park which, I'm guessing, is also where they filmed the observatory sequence in Rebel Without A Cause. He runs into Kreepy Karl. They have a tense conversation laced with sexual undertones, but what else is new on this show. Theo wants justice. Karl reminds Theo that justice goes both ways, and reminds Theo of that guy he killed. Theo reminds him that it was "an accident," and threatens to go public with everything, which will spell curtains for Kreepy Karl. "You are in way over your head," says Kreepy Karl, informing Theo of the planted evidence at Ferragamo's crispy office. "So I'll be framed for Ferragamo's murder," says Theo. "Whatever it takes," says Karl, explaining that Palmer backed off for the very same reason. Karl exits, and Theo pulls a microcassette recorder out of his pocket. He got the whole conversation on tape. Dun dun dun.
Back at twisty road of death, Bride gets up from the ground and starts wandering around like a mad woman while high pitched quivery synthesized vocals play in the background. FauxFBIAgent meanwhile realizes that he's lost the Kieferettes and turns around again to check for them behind him. A car pulls up in front of Bride. At the wheel is Pauley Perrette, Jennifer Love Hewitt's punk super on the short-lived series Time of Your Life. Ms. Perrette is normally a poor man's Courtney Love, but now she's combed her hair and is driving a new car, so she's kind of a middle-class Courtney Love, really. Ms. Perrette, being all good Samaritan, wants to know what's wrong with Bride. "What's your name?" she asks. "I don't remember," says Bride. MiddleClassCourtneyLove tells Bride to get into the car. She gets in just in time to miss FauxFBIAgent coming back for her. Nina, Kiefer, and Faux-licity get into a waiting helicopter. The screen splits to reveal a hand lying still in the grass. It's Spawn. She's alive. She fell out of the car just in time. Psych! She climbs up the hill, flashes us some more boob, and calls for her mother. The time is 3:59:58…3:59:59…4:00:00 PM.