“ PMMS is still flat-lining, and a team of about eight doctors is gathered around her trying to bring her back to life with that specialized one-on-one patient care they are famous for in city hospitals across this land of ours. ”
First, Kiefer voiceovers how this is going to be the longest day of his life. Then they flash the "24" animated logo. Then they do the previouslys. Serious people are out to kill Senator David Palmer, and his wife can't believe their son could be a killer. I can't either, 'cause I can't fathom the idea of anything exciting happening in that family. Bride of KieferI mean, "Teri Bauer"is at St. Mahk's Hospital, waiting for PMMS to wake up and tell them where Spawn of Kiefer is. Mr. York promises to remain by her side until they find her. Ira Gaines kills Evil Frat Boy #2. KieferI mean, "Jack Bauer"convinces Mason to trust him. The following takes place between five AM and six AM blah blah blah.
Frederic Fekkai City Hospital. PMMS is still flat-lining, and a team of about eight doctors is gathered around her trying to bring her back to life with that specialized one-on-one patient care they are famous for in city hospitals across this land of ours. Bride of Kiefer and AllegedYork watch the doctors do their thing through an observation window. You see, in the rest of the country, operating rooms do not have these windows, because family and loved ones tend to freak out when they see the shit that actually goes on during an operation. I personally get creeped out when someone looks over my shoulder and watches me work. "Hey, shouldn't that logo be bigger? Do we have an extra copy of that thing you just deleted? Are those funny marks gonna be there when you print that out?" So I can only imagine what it's like if, say, instead of a computer graphic designer, I was a doctor and the person looking over my shoulder was the parent of the accident victim on which I was performing emergency surgery. "Is that the right scalpel? Did you wash your hands? Are you sure my daughter is sufficiently anesthetized?" I'd freak. Actually, I have a saying that I employ on the job on occasions like these. When a client of mine is getting on my nerves and won't let me work in peace, I tilt my head condescendingly and say, "I'm sorry, Mrs. So-and-so, but you'll have to go back and sit in the waiting room while we operate on your son." Believe it or not, this always gets a laugh out of the client and it actually convinces them to leave me alone.
Bride's cell phone rings. But before she can answer it, one can plainly hear "paging Dr. Ehrlich" over the PA system, which is -- so far -- the biggest shout-out I've ever received. It's Kiefer, wanting to know if Janet's out of surgery yet. Bride mentions a "complication," and Kiefer warns her not to let anyone near PMMS who doesn't "belong" there. Bride is all, "What do you mean?" Kiefer is all, "Janet's life may be in danger," and promises to explain later when he gets to the hospital. That beeping noise goes off in the OR, which always means something really bad is happening. Bride hangs up with Kiefer and goes back to the observation window.
5:00 AM -- 6:00 AM
“ Nina tells Soul Patch that Kiefer is 'tracking a lead.' 'And ignoring protocol again!' says Soul Patch, who is ignoring some office protocol of his own by not doing an iota of work for the past five hours. ”
Nina waits outside of CTU in the moist parking lot, wearing a pair of latex gloves, and I don't even want to know. Kiefer pulls up in a compact car that is not the Kiefmobile. "Whose car?" she asks, snapping her gloves. Kiefer pops the trunk and shows her the thumbless body from last week that he wants identified. Apparently I was right about there being no thumb on the bodybut that's because there are no digits on the body, period. Someone ripped off the face, pulled out the teeth, and removed all the fingers so the body couldn't be identified. "Call me as soon as you've got a name," says Kiefer, giving her the car keys too. A chopper can be heard landing nearby. Kiefer asks Nina to cover for him while he signs out the chopper for "personal use." Nina asks him what he needs the chopper for, so he tells her all about PMMS being in the hospital and how she might help him find Spawn. He gets aboard the chopper and calls "hospital security" on his cell phone, asking them to beef up things for PMMS. Just as Kiefer gets airborne, Soul Patch appears and gets in Nina's face about the fact that Kiefer just requisitioned the chopper for personal use. Nina tells Soul Patch that Kiefer is "tracking a lead." "And ignoring protocol again!" says Soul Patch, who is ignoring some office protocol of his own by not doing an iota of work for the past five hours. Again, Soul Patch wants to get to the bottom of Kiefer's flighty behavior since midnight and discuss it endlessly with Nina. "Stop following me!" says Nina. "I prefer to think of it as watching your back!" says Soul Patch, whose "patch" incidentally has gotten really small all of a sudden. But I'll let it slide, because if there's any character in this real-time drama who'd actually have the spare time to go to the men's room and trim his facial hair, it's Soul Patch.
The time is 5:04:59, and Evil Frat Boy #2 is still lying on the ground with a clean entrance wound to his head clearly visible. Rick sits at his side with his head in his hands. Spawn of Kiefer sits by Rick, playing with some dirt. Ira Gaines enters with a shovel. "See what happens when you lie?" says Ira to Spawn. He hands the shovel to Rick and tells him to bury his friend. Spawn notices a machine-gun-wielding guard posted at the barbed-wire fence and runs over to Rick. "We've got to get out of here!" she says. "He's not going to let you walk away!" Rick is in denial and tells her to shut up.
Palmer headquarters. Kreepy Karl is waiting to talk to Palmer. Mrs. Huxtable enters, still wearing that silky cream-colored robe, and tells Karl to get lost. Kreepy Karl is all, "Your husband asked me to come." Palmer enters. Mrs. Huxtable exits, reminding Palmer that he's got to get ready. Palmer goes off on Kreepy Karl for altering the hospital records to make it look like Theo had nothing to do with the rapist's death. Um, what? According to Reporter Maureen, Theo signed a fake name to the hospital records himself. Karl had nothing to do with it. But now that a weekI mean, a few minutes have gone by, Karl was behind everything. Whatever. Kreepy Karl gets all sweaty like his goose has been cooked and reminds Palmer that Gibson, the rapist, was "white," and if the details of his death were leaked, it would have been the end of Palmer's career. Palmer is all, "I don't want you anywhere near me or my family ever again!" Kreepy Karl is all, "You've never needed me anymore than you've needed me now." Palmer ignores him, so KK delivers a final blow. "Before you finish crucifying me," he says, "save some nails for your wife!" What? Mrs. Huxtable was involved? Jeez! I didn't see that coming, what with all those good-wife Martha-Stewart gestures or the fact that her speech about Keith not possibly being a killer was replayed every week during the previouslys. The time is 5:10:21 AM.
5:00 AM -- 6:00 AM
“ Rick goes over to sit down on a log, fishes a Marlboro Light out of his pocket, lights it, and sucks on it really hard so viewing audiences will think he's actually smoking potbut if the censors get upset about onscreen drug use, the producers can always claim he's just smoking a Marlboro Light. ”
The time is 5:14:49 AM. Klockwise from the top left, AllegedYork watches PMMS being operated on, Palmer sits at his desk musing, and the KieferKopter lands on the roof of St. Mahk's Hospital. Back at the TerrorKompound, love blossoms under the sycamore trees as Spawn of Kiefer grabs a spare shovel and helps Rick bury his friend. Rick gets all pissed off because he doesn't need Spawn's help, but Spawn flashes some boob as she leans over to dig up some dirt. Rick goes over to sit down on a log, fishes a Marlboro Light out of his pocket, lights it, and sucks on it really hard so viewing audiences will think he's actually smoking potbut if the censors get upset about onscreen drug use, the producers can always claim he's just smoking a Marlboro Light. After a woeful speech about how Rick just got sucked into this mess, Spawn suggests that they get together and figure a way out of the TerrorKompound. Rick picks up his shovel once again and starts to dig. They both dig. 'Cause, you see, Spawn and Rick "dig" each other. Heh.
Kiefer arrives at St. Mahk's hospital, briefs the security team real fast, and is finally reunited with BoK in front of the OR where PMMS is fighting for her life. They hug and, for a moment, things seem rosy. BoK introduces Kiefer to AllegedYork and tells him what a great "friend" he's been to her all evening. Kiefer asks AllegedYork if he can ask PMMS -- who has just "pulled through" -- some questions. AllegedYork is concerned about his "daughter's" health, and isn't so sure she'd be up to questioning. Then Kiefer gets in AllegedYork's face about how close he is to PMMS and how well he knows who she "goes out with on a school night." BoK tries to run some interference, but Kiefer's attention is captured by an argument at the nurse's desk. A man with super-short hair and the eyes of a serial killer is trying to visit his "brother" with a briefcase he refuses to show security. Security doesn't stop him; they just yell, "Hey what's in the briefcase!" at him a few times. Finally Kiefer pins him to a stretcher and opens the briefcase to find a lot of prescription drugs inside. A nurse comes by, identifies the guy as "Ben," and explains that Ben's brother is in detox and Ben was trying to slip his brother a "fix." Ben is carted away by security. Kiefer and BoK look at each other in horror and embrace.
At 5:19:36, Erykah Badu enters the Palmer Headquarters. Oh wait, that's not Erykah -- it's Mrs. Huxtable, emerging from the shower with a giant towel wrapped around her head. She asks Palmer what Kreepy Karl wanted while a long shot reveals that she's wearing high heels under her robe. Whatever. Palmer confronts her with her role in the Theo cover-up. At first Mrs. Huxtable tries to deny it, then explains it away by telling him that it was for his own good that he didn't know. "I did what I thought was right," says Mrs. H, putting her manicured fingers to her forehead. Palmer asks if Nicole knew too. "We were protecting you," answers Mrs. H. "Or were you protecting your chance to move into the White House?" says Palmer. Mrs. Huxtable pleads that she wants "the same things" her husband does, and doesn't want a family scandal to destroy their dreams. Palmer retorts that the scandal is on its way out there. Mrs. Huxtable is all, "Well then you're gonna lose a lot more than an election!" Palmer removes her red talons from the bedroom doorknob and exits. Mrs. Huxtable gives the camera a good long sexy look of sociopathic despair. The time is 5:22:48.
“ Kiefer makes a cell phone call to Nina, who is in forensics sporting a pale blue lab coat that reminds me of something Madge the manicurist would be wearing on those Palmolive commercials. ”
Don't you love it when they broadcast the same commercial twice in one commercial break? What are they thinking? It's the advertising equivalent of pushing the elevator button a couple extra times in the vain hope that your extra pushes will bring the elevator faster. But sometimes it comes in handy. Like this ad for the new James Marsden war movie. Hey, was that Rolling Stone who called it one of the "best movies" of the year? Why yes, indeed, it is. And the Beautiful by Estee Lauder ad? Fascinating. I can't take my eyes off of Elizabeth Hurley as the bride at a weddingwhere there's no groom. She just kind of exits this church with these two kids, and then she and her wedding party get on this boat and she just frolics to "Beautiful Morning" by the Rascals with these two kids on the boat with her wedding party, but there's no discernable male around whom she seems to have just married. Maybe she married the kids. Come to think of it, it's been a while since the Lauder family told ol' Paulina Porizkova to take a hike and replaced her with Elizabeth Hurley. Shouldn't Liz be getting the boot soon? I also heard that the execs are concerned because Liz's skin has "turned" and the makeup artists have to work a lot harder than they used to to get Liz "ready" for the camera.
The time is 5:27:16. Klockwise from the top, Spawn and Rick continue to "dig it," Kiefer reflects, and Palmer paces. Spawn and Rick's hole gets deeper, and so does the konversation. Rick digs over on his end of the grave and waxes rhapsodic over Evil Frat Boy #2 and the hell-raising life he led. Spawn does some digging of her own and compares his self-destructiveness to that of PMMS, and points out the irony of missing her own mother right now. "Must [dig] be nice [dig] having a mother [dig] you like [dig]," says Rick in what has to be the gayest line of the entire episode. Additional [dig]-spiked dialogue establishes that Rick didn't have too good a home life growing up, which is why he ended up in his present career as a freelance kidnapper of upper-middle-class teenage girls. Having unburdened themselves to each other sufficiently, Spawn wants to talk strategy. "We've [dig] got to get [dig] out of here [dig]," she whines but before they can hatch a plan, Ira Gaines enters and tells Spawn to follow him back to the TerrorShack. Spawn gives Gaines this really defiant look, so Gaines is all, "Leave the shovel behind unless you're going to use it on me." Spawn throws down her shovel and stomps off. Gaines tells Rick that he'd better have his friend "in the ground" by the time he comes back.
Back at St. Mahk's, Kiefer makes a cell phone call to Nina, who is in forensics sporting a pale blue lab coat that reminds me of something Madge the manicurist would be wearing on those Palmolive commercials. No ID has been made on the mystery body yet, and the DNA analysis is going to take too long for Kiefer's liking. Nina has ascertained, however, that the body has been dead since 11:00 PM and midnight last night -- in other words, right before the first episode. Kiefer tells Nina to put Jalapeno on the case so they'll get results faster. Nina asks if they've found Spawn. Kiefer admits, with annoyance and frustration in his voice, that they have not.
“ There's no way they're going to kill PMMS. She's going to pull through this. We need her to pull through. Each weekly sadistic mishap helped me through some tough times, and this is just another one of those sadistic mishaps. Right? ”
Oh, and if that's not enough tension and suspense for you, we go back to AllegedYork and Chief Surgeon, who are making small talk about PMMS's toughness on their way to her room in ICU. Chief Surgeon offers him the chance to just go in alone -- I'm surprised she didn't just hand him a pillow or something. AllegedYork accepts her offer and walks into PMMS's room. Through her respirator, PMMS mumbles something about not knowing who the hell AllegedYork is. AllegedYork strokes her hair, then bends the mouthpiece of the respirator shut and holds the mask down on PMMS's face so that she suffocates. But here's the mind fuck: I'm watching from my couch, and I am just laughing away at PMMS's struggling and choking like it's any other bad thing to happen to PMMS in just about every other episode of 24. And I'm feeling so proud of myself that AllegedYork isn't really York as I predicted. But I'm also thinking -- unlike some very shrewd people on our boards -- that there's no way they're going to kill PMMS. She's going to pull through this. We need her to pull through. Each weekly sadistic mishap helped me through some tough times, and this is just another one of those sadistic mishaps. Right? The monitor on her life support system will sound an alarm, and some nurse or other will rush in and save her. Right? Wrong. No one saves PMMS. AllegedYork manages to kill her with this completely expressionless look on his face. Damn you, cheesy Fox suspense show, for making me laugh so hard one minute and cry so hard the ! PMMS is dead. She's dead. I can't believe it. He exits the room. The time is 5:47:37.
The time is 5:51:45. Klockwise from the top left, Bride of Kiefer is still standing in the hospital hallway, waiting for Kiefer to return; Ira Gaines takes a sip of coffee by his video monitor; Kiefer exits St. Mahk's. Cue the techno dance music. Kiefer enters a multi-level parking garage, and Gaines guides him toward a silver Taurus. Kiefer gets in, as commanded by Gaines, and demands proof that his daughter is still alive. Gaines puts Spawn on the phone; she manages to say that she's not hurt before she's cut off. Gaines tells Kiefer to go into the glove compartment, remove an earpiece, and put it in his ear. It's a hi-tech cell phone or something that will enable Gaines to communicate with Kiefer. "Say something," says Gaines, in order to test Kiefer's new toy. "If you hurt my daughter I will kill you," says Kiefer. Gaines laughs. "Now that's a clear signal." He makes Kiefer toss his cell phone out the window and drive to CTU.
At 5:54:33, Bride picks up her cell phone and tries to call Kiefer. She gets his voicemail and leaves a message, asking him where he went. DefinitelyNotYork sneaks up behind her and asks her where Jack is. He's got important information. Bride wants to know what it is, so York holds up an address Janet gave him where they were being held in Bel Air. Bride calls Kiefer's cell again and runs around the hallways of the hospital looking for him while the camera does 360-degree swirlies all around her. DefinitelyNotYork offers to take Bride to the address in Bel Air where Spawn might be. Hysterical and babbling childishly, Bride allows DNY to take her into the very same arms that just killed her daughter's friend and drive her to Bel Air. "I guess I'll just call Kiefer from the car," says Bride, being led to York's car.