First off, a major shout-out to Mariposa for catching this episode and taping it for me. To qualify for the Golden Globes, Fox had to broadcast seven episodes by the end of the calendar year, so the January 8th episode was broadcast in near secrecy on the New York and Los Angeles local stations. I missed it, but Mariposa didn't and was kind enough to meet me in Manhattan and give me her tape.
Logo. Previouslys. Palmer has to face the music and go public with Theo's "secret." They killed PMMS. Bride of Kiefer learned that AllegedYork is DefinitelyNotYork. Ira Gaines hooks Kiefer up to his satellite network of terror. Now Kiefer is hereby known as VPoG, Virtual Puppet of Gaines. "The following takes place between 6:00 AM and 7:00 AM, on the day of the California Presidential primary."
TerrorKompound. The sun is continuing to rise in the valley. FauxMartin leans over a basin. The bleached platinum hair has been dyed brown -- the color of RealMartin's hair. He plays with his hair and checks out his reflection in the mirror, comparing it to RealMartin's ID picture. He removes a pair of latex gloves, which I assume had something to do with his fingerprints being altered, and puts in a pair of brown colored contacts. Then we get a little beefcake as he changes into a Eurotrash ensemble and makes the deception complete. He picks up a briefcase from Ira Gaines's desk. Gaines reminds him to leave early to beat the traffic. He's off to kill Palmer. This actor playing FauxMartin is such a dedicated pro to actually have plastic surgery to make himself look just the actor who plays RealMartin. Oh, wait. But seriously, Rudolph Martin is doing a great job looking like he's awkwardly impersonating himself.
After Faux Martin exits, Gaines goes back to doing what he does best: Kontrolling Kiefer through kutting-edge cellular/satellite technology. On a monitor, Gaines watches Kiefer drive the TerrorTaurus to CTU. While stopped at a light, a police car pulls up beside the TerrorTaurus, and Kiefer tries to get the officers' attention by staring at them really hard. "Eyes straight ahead, Kiefer!" says Gaines into his earpiece. "Let the cops go!" I'm not sure what I think about Ira Gaines as a villain. What's with all the phlegm in his throat? It doesn't sound particularly evil. It just sounds like someone's great uncle Harry getting way too involved in a game of checkers at some state-run nursing home. "Now king me, you putz!" Kiefer lets the kops pass. Gaines draws Kiefer's attention to a keycard under the sun visor of the TerrorTaurus. "What do you want me to do with this?" asks Kiefer. "I'll tell you when you get to the office," says Gaines. For the love of God, Gaines, clear your throat!
CTU. Milo The Temp is sitting at one of Jalapeno's thirty computer terminals, munching on dry granola. I think. Apparently, last week, when I identified it as Count Chocula, I was wrong. A close-up confirms that it's granola. Nina comes by to check on his progress. Milo says that he's close to finding the name of the assassin, but for now all he can decipher are some medical records involving plastic surgery. "If it's a shooter, he's probably trying to hide his identity!" says Milo The Temp. Hey, wait! I thought Milo was just supposed to run the keycard through some decryption software. Since when does he get to play cops-and-robbers with the big kids? Especially since they're supposed to be keeping the details of the keycard a huge secret. "Call me when you get a name!" says an unimpressed Nina, walking back to her desk, her arms swinging like a Bob Fosse chorus girl.
At 6:05:26 AM, Theo Huxtable is jogging by the side of the road with what appears to be either a personal trainer or a Secret Service man. Palmer drives by in a limo and has his driver to pull over when he sees Theo. Of course, the limo is being followed by a minivan containing his Secret Service detail, and when he stops, they stop and Main Secret Service Guy runs after him to remind him for the eighteenth time that his life is in danger. Palmer ignores him, catches up to Theo, who doesn't want to talk to him, and announces that he's going to beat Reporter Maureen to the punch and tell their side of the killed-rapist story at the breakfast. "It doesn't matter how the story comes out," says Theo. "Everyone's still going to believe that I killed Gibson." Um, because you did kill Gibson, stupid. But Palmer believes his son when he says it was an accident. He asks him to accompany him and his wife to the breakfast, because he needs to present a unified front to the public. More discussion about the fact that Palmer was rarely around as a father because his political career came first. Keith starts to cry and resumes his run. "Keith, come back!" says Palmer, as they often do on ABC Afterschool Specials. Not that he runs after him or anything.
Hey, it's that Chris Isaak video with Helena Christensen where the two moist lovers cavort under the palm trees. No, wait -- it's Spawn and Rick, standing near some mud-hut and washing up after the burial. "We've got to get out of here!" says Spawn for the fifty-ninth time since midnight. Rick assures her that he'll be allowed to leave now that EFB #2 is buried, and when he does, he'll call her father and tell him where she is. Spawn argues that he's not going to be allowed to leave. Rick keeps whistling in the dark.
Kiefer reaches the CTU Parking lot at 6:08:22 AM. He parks the TerrorTaurus and enters the building, passing a parked car where a mysterious figure -- probably one of Gaines's men -- watches him walk across the parking lot. Gaines tells him that his duty is to replace the keycard that Nina, Jalapeno, and Milo are trying to decrypt with the keycard from the TerrorTaurus sun visor. "Because we're getting too close?" asks Kiefer. "Just do it!" rasps Gaines. "And remember, I can hear everything!" I'm having a flashback to when I had a paper route, and there was this fussy old man on my route who lived alone who had Ira Gaines's exact voice and kept accusing me of leaving his paper in a puddle in his yard on purpose. And he was right. Nina makes a beeline for Kiefer as soon as she sees him. "I have been trying to reach you for the last half hour," she says. "What the hell is going on?" Kiefer lies and says that Spawn has been found and everything is okay. Nina asks if Kiefer got her message about Alan York being the John Doe. Kiefer reacts to this bit of news, running up the stairs to his office to have a private conversation with Gaines. "If Alan York is dead, then who is the man with my wife?" whispers Kiefer through their satellite communication whatever. "He's not an accountant from the valley, that's for sure," says Gaines. Again Kiefer threatens to kill Gaines if his wife or daughter are harmed. Gaines fires a gun near the phone to illustrate what is going to happen to Kiefer's bride and spawn if Kiefer doesn't do as he's told. This hurts Kiefer's ears. Now it's time for Kiefer to find a way of switching the keycards without drawing attention to himself. While Kiefer stares at Milo through the glass walls in his office, Gaines gets on his cell phone and calls NotYork. NotYork's phone is off, so Gaines leaves him a message, giving him a heads-up on the fact that Bride might be onto his real identity.
Meanwhile, in NotYork's Sedan of Deception, Bride of Kiefer fakes being nauseous -- or maybe she truly is nauseous with all that she's learned in the last episode…I mean, "hour." NotYork urges her to take some deep breaths, but Bride insists he stop the car so she can puke by the side of the road. Reluctantly, he stops the car to let her out. She runs down into the canyon. NotYork checks his messages and hears Gaines's warning. He takes the keys out of the ignition and runs into the canyon in search of Bride. He calls her name a few times, and then she sneaks up behind him and beans him with a rock. Go Bride! They struggle for the car keys, but York manages to throw them further into the canyon. Finally, Bride manages to knock NotYork unconscious, but she's stuck in the middle of nowhere with no ride back. The time is 6:13:02 AM.
The time is 6:17:08 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn ponders her inkarceration, Kiefer stares out from the glass walls of his office, Bride ties up NotYork, and Nina sits at her desk plotting her office romance. I don't know where, but Bride must have foraged through the woods and found a ton of rope and a couple of extension cords. She uses them to tie NotYork to a tree. Dude, time I'm on a scavenger hunt, I want Bride on my team. When she runs back to the car to retrieve her cell phone, she finds that her phone isn't getting any service from her current location. Like, it's about time someone had a problem with their cell phone. I can't believe that among a dozen characters within a seven-hour period, only one of them has had their cell phone spazz out on them so far. How likely is that? I mean, if I were Kiefer, when Gaines called me at the hospital on my cell, I'd just pretend I couldn't hear him. "What? You're going to kill my what? Could you send me a brochure in the mail? I have got to switch my cell account!" We've all done this to someone we've wanted to avoid, right? Hell, I've done it on a landline.
TerrorKompound. Rick approaches Gaines at the KieferKonsole, tells him that EFB #2 is buried, and asks him when he can leave. Gaines is all evasive about payment and tells Rick to stay put. "I've got a couple more things for you to do," says Gaines. "Then we can talk about when you can go." I just gotta say a couple of things here. As a freelancer, I am always having to deal with clients like Gaines, and it bugs the living crap out of me. They're really vague about everything, but when you actually invoice them for the hours you spent flipping through InStyle in their reception area because they wanted you to stick around "just in case," all of a sudden they've got an Excel Spreadsheet detailing the number of bathroom breaks you took in September of 1997. Sure, I wasn't actually working during every single hour that I billed you for, but my time is valuable, and if you're not paying for it, then I should be free to go work for someone else who will. Not to mention that all of your salaried employees have been doing nothing but going out for coffee and emailing each other porn all day. Another thing? Gaines needs to get a secretary or an assistant or something. I mean, if this is a multi-million-dollar terrorist organization and he's supposed to be watching Kiefer on the KieferKonsole and making sure he doesn't look too hard at kops or pass notes to his ko-workers, that's got to require his undivided attention, right? How is he supposed to do his job effectively if anyone can just barge in to his office and ask him a question that really could be fielded by personnel or an office manager? Yeah, a lot of these boomer executives think they're too cool to have their own secretary because it's old-fashioned, hierarchical, and expensive. And they all give you this big line about how the company is one big casually dressed happy family and you can use his first name and knock on his office door anytime, but I can't tell you how many times I've done just that, only to find that I'm interrupting an important conference call or a blowjob from the director of operations. Then I have to stand there paralyzed for five minutes, apologizing like an idiot and making everything worse. It can be annoying at times to be glad-handed by a third party, but it's so much more preferable to walking in on a Tin Lizzy air guitar solo or a speakerphone consultation with a proctologist. Rick and Gaines stare at each other really hard. Rick finally exits. Gaines goes back to the KieferKonsole with a shit-eating "I just fucked with my underling's head" grin on his face.
CTU. Kiefer keeps staring at Milo The Temp, trying to figure out a way to switch keycards…or at least that's the act he's putting on for Gaines. "This is taking too long, Kiefer!" rasps Gaines. Hey, Gaines? Don't lecture Kiefer about job efficiency. You're the one who just took a break from the KieferKonsole for the sole purpose of throwing Rick some major 'tude because you're too cheap to hire a Kelly Girl for the day. Kiefer continues to stare out of his office but shifts his attention to Nina's desk. He gets her attention and, through a series of subtle head spasms, signals her to come up to his office. I have a feeling Kiefer's summoned Nina to his office in a similar fashion more than a few times before, if you catch my drift. Kiefer begins to write a secret note to Nina on a sheet of letterhead about being bugged. Well, whaddya know? There's a kamera in Kiefer's office that's also hooked up to the KieferKonsole. "Drop the pen and shred the paper!" rasps Gaines, channeling Bette Davis in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane. Seriously, you'd think the threat out of Gaines's mouth is that Kiefer won't get any "din-din" until he switches the keycards. Kiefer shreds the note just as Nina enters. Nina rebukes Kiefer for walking away from her while she was talking to him, and tells him that Milo is on the verge of learning the shooter's name. "That's great," says Kiefer. "Tell Milo to wait until I get down there." Nina asks why Milo should stop working. Kiefer is all, "Because I asked you to!" Nina reluctantly agrees to do Kiefer's bidding, and leaves the room.
At 6:21:20, Palmer's daughter, a.k.a. L'il Lisa Bonet, is sitting in the Palmer living room watching the morning news, which is expositing some boring crap about the Palmer kids bringing out the "younger voters" for this election. Palmer enters and asks her if Mrs. Huxtable talked to L'il Lisa about what was "going on." L'il Lisa confirms her knowledge of the current family dilemma by nodding a few times, saying "yeah," and staring at Palmer really hard amid several hardcore blinks of her eyes. Then she wants to know if Theo is going to jail. Palmer replies that if Theo is telling the truth about the "accident," he won't go to jail. L'il Lisa assures Palmer that Theo is telling the truth. She reiterates her conviction by blinking really hard some more, and promises to appear at the breakfast. Then they have this discussion about the fact that the press is going to start asking L'il Lisa about the rape. Um, I thought that the rape was already common knowledge. I mean, I can certainly sympathize with anyone who doesn't want to go through rape trauma in front of the whole world, and there's lots to be desired in the way the media handles high-profile rape cases, but with the media being what it is, I can't imagine anyone getting interested in the rape of L'il Lisa all over again, simply because it's old news. If Theo killed the rapist, then everyone is going to be focused on the murder. But no. L'il Lisa has to have her monologue. She just wants to forget the rape and live a normal life away from the media's prying eyes. Palmer assures her that she doesn't have to answer any questions that she doesn't want to, and exits. L'il Lisa stares at her father's back as he leaves the room and blinks some more. Maybe if this girl were a better actress, we'd suspect from her facial expression that there are, in fact, many unanswered questions still left over from the rape and L'il Lisa's got some skeletons of her own in her closet. But then again, she could just have a facial tic.
CTU. Kiefer's left his office and come down to the main floor. Lots of reaction shots from his ko-workers, most notably Soul Patch, as Kiefer walks around looking konflicted. Kiefer approaches Milo and asks him who the shooter is. Milo explains that he stopped working on the decryption because Nina told him to wait for Kiefer. Kiefer feigns ignorance about this kommand and gets faux indignant that Milo is wasting valuable time. "Why would you be waiting for me?" says Kiefer feverishly, knocking over Milo's cup of cereal, which now looks to be filled with Super Sugar Crisp instead of granola. I'm starting to think that I'm not the krazy one here. They're changing Milo's cereal from scene to scene just to fuck with me and no, I am not being paranoid! Anyway, while Milo kleans the cereal off his desk, Kiefer opens the drive and switches keycards. "Smart boy!" says Gaines, watching everything from the KieferKonsole. Kiefer exits, telling Milo to just get him the name. The time is 6:24:47 AM.
The time is 6:29:45 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer does some kwick thinking, Gaines keeps an eye on the KieferKonsole, Milo decrypts his little heart out, and NotYork remains tied to a tree. At Milo's desk, the Super Sugar Crisp has been kleaned up, but Milo hasn't realized yet that Kiefer switched keycards, and he's frustrated because he thinks he's hit a snag with the decryption. Jalapeno is all too happy to come to his rescue. She suggests that he "link the sectors." That seems to put Milo back on track, so they share a "pretty sneaky sis!" moment that is milked for an extra five minutes for some reason.
Back at the tree where NotYork is trussed up like a turkey, Bride of Kiefer tries to flag down cars. Oh yeah, that's the kind of hitchhiker that always gets a ride: a sleep-deprived, badly coiffed woman with a rock in her hand standing to an unconscious guy tied to a tree. Hop in, stranger! Where ya headed? NotYork, who is now awake, informs Bride that her struggle is in vain. "If I don't deliver you in a half an hour," he says, "Spawn is dead!" Bride lifts the rock above her head and tries to force him to tell her where Spawn is being held. NotYork is unmoved, pointing out to her that he can't talk if he's unconscious. He offers to take Bride to her daughter if she unties him. Fortunately, Bride's not stupid. She leaves NotYork tied up and runs off to find a spot where her cell reception will allow her to make a call.
At 6:31:25, Kiefer calls Palmer's security staff and demands that he get priority clearance to attend the Palmer breakfast. At first they can't authorize him because he's not on "the list," but Gaines insists that Kiefer insist. Finally, they defer to his CIA-ness and put him "on the list." He hangs up, buries his face in his hands, and caresses the pictures on his desk of Bride and Spawn. , Gaines orders Kiefer to call his division head and check himself out to attend the Palmer breakfast.
TerrorKompound. Spawn is hanging out in what seems to be a large broom closet for some reason. She hears the door being unlocked, and starts to freak out until she sees that it's Rick entering. Rick tells Spawn that she was right all along and that Gaines isn't going to let him go. Rick just happens to find a spare piece of chalk lying around -- who doesn't have tons of spare chalk lying around in their storage areas? -- and they plan their escape from the terror compound by drawing a map of the surrounding area on the slate floor. Who knew that Rick was a cartography major? Someone's at the door, one of Gaines's gun-wielding minions, so Rick erases the "map" really quickly and pretends to be raping Spawn. Spawn gets into the charade and even pretends to fight him off. This is sufficient to fool Gun Wielding Minion, who gives Rick another "four minutes" alone with Spawn so he can climax. When they have their privacy again, Rick tells Spawn that he's going to leave the door unlocked on his way out. Um, when did they lock her in there anyway? Judging by the flirtation outside by the basin earlier in the episode, I thought Spawn was free to frolic around the TerrorKompound planning steamy escapes with Rick to her heart's content. They agree to meet behind the shed later and make a run for it. Spawn apologizes for hitting Rick back when he was pretending to rape her. Aw!!!!
Back at CTU, Milo is still having major problems. Nina comes by to see what's up, and Milo concludes that he's now working off a different keycard. "But you've been sitting here this entire time," says Nina. "Who could have switched it?" Milo thinks about it for a second, but hesitates to kast aspersions on Kiefer. Nina is on the same wavelength. They both turn their heads to look up at Kiefer's office.
Kiefer is on the phone, clearing his absence with "the division." Nina enters his office and wastes no time asking for the original keycard back. "Careful Jaaaaaack!" says Gaines. Shut up, Phlegm Lord! Kiefer feigns ignorance…badly. He makes up a story about not trusting Milo -- well, actually, that's sort of a good point -- and hands Nina the original keycard. But as she moves toward him to take it from his hands, he drops it, grabs her by the wrist and pins her the wall with a gun. "I'm sorry, Nina," says sexy, sweaty Kiefer in very same trademark Sutherland velvety bedroom whisper that seduced a Golden Globe nomination out of the Foreign Press Association. "But believe me, I will kill you if I have to!" Kiefer grabs a jacket out of his kloset -- important detail for later, boys and girls -- and makes Nina put it on. "I'll explain everything as soon as we get out of here," says Kiefer, leading her out of the office at gunpoint. And do I even have to tell you that Soul Patch stops them on the way out to ask where they're going? Kiefer and Nina get into the TerrorTaurus. "Where are you taking me?" asks Nina. "Shut up and drive!" whispers Kiefer. I don't want to see Nina get hurt, but we love it when he gets rough with her, don't we? Don't we? The time is 6:37:50 AM.
The time is 6:42:04 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Rick continues to not rape Spawn, Gaines watches KTV -- all Kiefer, all the time -- NotYork gets to know the tree some more, and Bride tries to get some cellular service. Bride finds a spot where she can use her cell. She calls Kiefer's cell, but a hunky bald doctor who happens to be passing through the St. Mahk's parking lot finds Kiefer's discarded phone on the ground and answers it. He's no help at all. Bride hangs up on the hunky doctor and calls CTU. Jamey answers. Um, speaking of people who need secretaries, why is CTU's prize computer hacker stuck answering phones when Nina and Kiefer leave the building? I mean, if they can get a temp to replace her, why can't they get one to cover the switchboard too? Hell, I hear Soul Patch has some downtime. Give him the Pacific Bell manual to memorize and strap a headset on his ass! Bride tells her about the kidnapping, and begs Jalapeno to send some agents down to get her and NotYork. Jalapeno writes down her location (Mulholland and Coldwater -- how Lynchian!) and promises to send someone right away.
At 6:43:40 AM, The Palmers are getting ready for the breakfast. Lady MacPalmer (tm Jase-bot) looks mighty fine wearing something besides that damn robe. Her hair and make-up are boss as well. She assures Palmer that he looks "presidential," wipes some imaginary lint off the shoulder of his dress shirt, and suggests that they blackmail Reporter Maureen to keep her from airing the story. Palmer doesn't go for it. Because he's so good. And she's so bad. Palmer reties his tie.
Back at the TerrorKompound, Rick exits the TerrorBroomCloset, leaving it unlocked as promised, and goes over to Gun Wielding Minion to brag about raping Spawn. GWM (heh!) warns Rick about messing with Spawn. "If Gaines caught you with her," says GWM. "Bang! You're dead!" Yeah, like Rick is going to survive more than two more episodes whether he uses his dick or not. And don't ask me how I know. I just do. I have a corn on my left foot that predicts stuff like this. Rick points out that Gaines didn't catch him, and tries to hit GWM up for information on Gaines's credibility. GWM assures that Gaines is a man of his word, and considers getting a little sloppy seconds from the Spawn platter himself. Rick talks him out of it -- because he cares like that -- and suggests that they go load a truck together instead. With the boys out of sight, Spawn sneaks out of the TerrorBroomCloset, flashes us a little more boob through the top of her vest, and runs into the woods. Meanwhile, Rick remembers something he forgot to do and abandons GWM to go meet Spawn at their appointed meeting place behind the shed. They meet up and run toward an unguarded cluster of trees.
A car pulls up at Mulholland and Coldwater. It's some guys from the CTU. "You got here fast," says Bride. "They told us it was urgent!" says a crewcutted CTU agent we've never seen before. Um, Bride? Are you sure these are real CTU agents? Shouldn't you ask to see a badge? Or at least give them a little quiz on their firsthand knowledge of mid-century furniture? The "agents" untie NotYork. Bride starts to protest, claiming that NotYork is dangerous. The other crewcutted agent restrains Bride and puts a black hood over her head. Cue the frantic mandolins. They force her back to their car as the screen splits to reveal Jalapeno crossing out Bride's location on her memo pad and throwing the sheet away. Damn you, Jalapeno! I knew you were too good to be true! And I totally knew these weren't CTU agents. No one in that office has a military haircut. Two of the office extras have dreadlocks, for crying out loud!
Soul Patch approaches Jalapeno's desk. He asks her if he can organize her Rolodex because he's got some downtime and he feels bad doing nothing. BWA HA HA! April Fool's! Okay, here's what really happened. Soul Patch approaches Jalapeno's desk and asks where Nina and Jack are, complaining that he can't find any mention of their plans on his computer. He's also concerned because Nina looked upset about something on her way out the door. Jalapeno suggests that the recent lockdown might have made the system "glitchy." This sounds like a reasonable explanation to Soul Patch, who decides to go back to his desk and back up some important files on his zip drive. No, wait. He doesn't. Fooled you again! He makes Jalapeno give him access to the last ten minutes of footage from the surveillance camera in Kiefer's office. Jalapeno claims he can't authorize something like that. SoulPatch points out that he outranks her and she has to do his bidding. "Send it to my screen," he says. Admit it, Soul Patch! You just want a video of Kiefer and Nina struggling to use as your own private porn. But then so do we. Right? Right?!?!?
At 6:49:10, the TerrorTaurus drives along a stretch of highway, Nina at the wheel and Kiefer in the passenger seat aiming a gun at her. Gaines secretly gives directions through the earpiece. A second TerrorTaurus -- the car from the parking lot? -- follows Kiefer and Nina in order to keep Gaines apprised of their actions. Nina komplains about Kiefer's recent about-face and kwestions him about the truth of any of his klaims within the last seven hours. "Don't make this any harder than it already is," says Kiefer as they almost get into a car accident. "Careful, Kiefer!" says Phlegm Lord. "We need you alive." What you need, Gaines, is a friggin' decongestant. The time is 6:50:23 AM.
The time is 6:54:24 AM. The TerrorTauruses approach some really spooky looking oil wells that look like something from the set of Se7en. We had a Lynchian moment a few minutes ago. Now we're getting an homage to David Fincher. Kiefer has a conversation with Gaines over the earpiece, which makes him look krazy in Nina's eyes because she has no idea about the KieferKonsole. Gaines tells Kiefer to shoot Nina. Kiefer orders her out of the car. She remains seated, demanding an explanation for his behavior. He gets out of the TerrorTaurus, walks over to the passenger side, and physically pulls her out. "What are you going to do? Kill me here?" says Nina as Kiefer bends her facedown over the hood of the TerrorTaurus -- a situation I doubt she's too unfamiliar with, if you catch my Tawny Kitaen-influenced drift. Kiefer explains that it's either her or his family. "Do it, Jack!" rasps Phlegm Lord from the KieferKonsole. "Forgive me, Nina!" gasps Kiefer. He pulls her to a precipice by the collar of her jacket -- important detail alert, number two -- and shoots her four times in the chest. She falls ten feet down or so to the ground below, where she lies motionless. Satisfied with the death of Nina, Phlegm Lord orders Kiefer back into the TerrorTaurus. He drives away, stunned at what he just did. Or what we think he just did. The time is 6:57:48 AM.
Rick and Spawn have made it to a cyclone fence, where they are, um, digging their way to freedom. Seriously. Rick is digging again for some reason, and I'm wondering if the reemergence of the "love shovel" is supposed to be an important detail or motif. Just as they're about to slip under the fence to freedom, Spawn hears screams. They look up just in time to see HoodedBride being escorted into the TerrorKompound. I don't know what it is about Bride in that hood -- maybe it reminds me of that Taliban Oppressing Women documentary they're always rerunning on CNN -- but it sure is freaky scary. Spawn decides -- get this! -- to stay behind at the TerrorKompound and help her mother out. Um, Spawn? I think you'd be more helpful to your mother if you got your stupid teen ass out of there and called the authorities. At least Rick has the sense to run away and call the authorities himself. Oh, wait. He doesn't. He decides to stay at Spawn's side. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Jeez, if these two reproduce, they are going to conceive the stupidest child alive! You know how you can't score under 200 on the SATs? When this child reaches his junior year of high school -- at the age of thirty, mind you -- he will be the first. Mark my words! Spawn goes back to the TerrorBroomKloset before anyone notices her missing. Rick joins her. Stupid Spawn! Stupid Rick! Stupid stupid stupid couple!
Soul Patch watches the surveillance tape at his desk and sees Nina and Kiefer struggling with the gun moments before. After he finds a tissue and puts the lube away, he notices Kiefer going to the closet and picking out the jacket for Nina. "Why did he give her a flak jacket?" he asks himself. Good boy, Soul Patch! You're finally being useful!
Back at the oil fields, Nina sits up and pulls the bullets from Kiefer's gun out of the flak jacket. She gets up off the bare ground, dusts herself off, and stumbles back to civilization -- as I imagine she does on many a morning, if you catch my drift. The time is 6:59:58...6:59:59…7:00:00 AM. Hey! No one died!