First, Kiefer voiceovers how this is going to be the longest day of his life. Then they flash the "24" animated logo. Then they do the previouslys. Serious people are out to kill Senator David Palmer, and his wife can't believe their son could be a killer. I can't either, 'cause I can't fathom the idea of anything exciting happening in that family. Bride of Kiefer…I mean, "Teri Bauer"…is at St. Mahk's Hospital, waiting for PMMS to wake up and tell them where Spawn of Kiefer is. Mr. York promises to remain by her side until they find her. Ira Gaines kills Evil Frat Boy #2. Kiefer…I mean, "Jack Bauer"…convinces Mason to trust him. The following takes place between five AM and six AM blah blah blah.
Frederic Fekkai City Hospital. PMMS is still flat-lining, and a team of about eight doctors is gathered around her trying to bring her back to life with that specialized one-on-one patient care they are famous for in city hospitals across this land of ours. Bride of Kiefer and AllegedYork watch the doctors do their thing through an observation window. You see, in the rest of the country, operating rooms do not have these windows, because family and loved ones tend to freak out when they see the shit that actually goes on during an operation. I personally get creeped out when someone looks over my shoulder and watches me work. "Hey, shouldn't that logo be bigger? Do we have an extra copy of that thing you just deleted? Are those funny marks gonna be there when you print that out?" So I can only imagine what it's like if, say, instead of a computer graphic designer, I was a doctor and the person looking over my shoulder was the parent of the accident victim on which I was performing emergency surgery. "Is that the right scalpel? Did you wash your hands? Are you sure my daughter is sufficiently anesthetized?" I'd freak. Actually, I have a saying that I employ on the job on occasions like these. When a client of mine is getting on my nerves and won't let me work in peace, I tilt my head condescendingly and say, "I'm sorry, Mrs. So-and-so, but you'll have to go back and sit in the waiting room while we operate on your son." Believe it or not, this always gets a laugh out of the client and it actually convinces them to leave me alone.
Bride's cell phone rings. But before she can answer it, one can plainly hear "paging Dr. Ehrlich" over the PA system, which is -- so far -- the biggest shout-out I've ever received. It's Kiefer, wanting to know if Janet's out of surgery yet. Bride mentions a "complication," and Kiefer warns her not to let anyone near PMMS who doesn't "belong" there. Bride is all, "What do you mean?" Kiefer is all, "Janet's life may be in danger," and promises to explain later when he gets to the hospital. That beeping noise goes off in the OR, which always means something really bad is happening. Bride hangs up with Kiefer and goes back to the observation window.
Nina waits outside of CTU in the moist parking lot, wearing a pair of latex gloves, and I don't even want to know. Kiefer pulls up in a compact car that is not the Kiefmobile. "Whose car?" she asks, snapping her gloves. Kiefer pops the trunk and shows her the thumbless body from last week that he wants identified. Apparently I was right about there being no thumb on the body…but that's because there are no digits on the body, period. Someone ripped off the face, pulled out the teeth, and removed all the fingers so the body couldn't be identified. "Call me as soon as you've got a name," says Kiefer, giving her the car keys too. A chopper can be heard landing nearby. Kiefer asks Nina to cover for him while he signs out the chopper for "personal use." Nina asks him what he needs the chopper for, so he tells her all about PMMS being in the hospital and how she might help him find Spawn. He gets aboard the chopper and calls "hospital security" on his cell phone, asking them to beef up things for PMMS. Just as Kiefer gets airborne, Soul Patch appears and gets in Nina's face about the fact that Kiefer just requisitioned the chopper for personal use. Nina tells Soul Patch that Kiefer is "tracking a lead." "And ignoring protocol again!" says Soul Patch, who is ignoring some office protocol of his own by not doing an iota of work for the past five hours. Again, Soul Patch wants to get to the bottom of Kiefer's flighty behavior since midnight and discuss it endlessly with Nina. "Stop following me!" says Nina. "I prefer to think of it as watching your back!" says Soul Patch, whose "patch" incidentally has gotten really small all of a sudden. But I'll let it slide, because if there's any character in this real-time drama who'd actually have the spare time to go to the men's room and trim his facial hair, it's Soul Patch.
The time is 5:04:59, and Evil Frat Boy #2 is still lying on the ground with a clean entrance wound to his head clearly visible. Rick sits at his side with his head in his hands. Spawn of Kiefer sits by Rick, playing with some dirt. Ira Gaines enters with a shovel. "See what happens when you lie?" says Ira to Spawn. He hands the shovel to Rick and tells him to bury his friend. Spawn notices a machine-gun-wielding guard posted at the barbed-wire fence and runs over to Rick. "We've got to get out of here!" she says. "He's not going to let you walk away!" Rick is in denial and tells her to shut up.
Palmer headquarters. Kreepy Karl is waiting to talk to Palmer. Mrs. Huxtable enters, still wearing that silky cream-colored robe, and tells Karl to get lost. Kreepy Karl is all, "Your husband asked me to come." Palmer enters. Mrs. Huxtable exits, reminding Palmer that he's got to get ready. Palmer goes off on Kreepy Karl for altering the hospital records to make it look like Theo had nothing to do with the rapist's death. Um, what? According to Reporter Maureen, Theo signed a fake name to the hospital records himself. Karl had nothing to do with it. But now that a week…I mean, a few minutes have gone by, Karl was behind everything. Whatever. Kreepy Karl gets all sweaty like his goose has been cooked and reminds Palmer that Gibson, the rapist, was "white," and if the details of his death were leaked, it would have been the end of Palmer's career. Palmer is all, "I don't want you anywhere near me or my family ever again!" Kreepy Karl is all, "You've never needed me anymore than you've needed me now." Palmer ignores him, so KK delivers a final blow. "Before you finish crucifying me," he says, "save some nails for your wife!" What? Mrs. Huxtable was involved? Jeez! I didn't see that coming, what with all those good-wife Martha-Stewart gestures or the fact that her speech about Keith not possibly being a killer was replayed every week during the previouslys. The time is 5:10:21 AM.
The time is 5:14:49 AM. Klockwise from the top left, AllegedYork watches PMMS being operated on, Palmer sits at his desk musing, and the KieferKopter lands on the roof of St. Mahk's Hospital. Back at the TerrorKompound, love blossoms under the sycamore trees as Spawn of Kiefer grabs a spare shovel and helps Rick bury his friend. Rick gets all pissed off because he doesn't need Spawn's help, but Spawn flashes some boob as she leans over to dig up some dirt. Rick goes over to sit down on a log, fishes a Marlboro Light out of his pocket, lights it, and sucks on it really hard so viewing audiences will think he's actually smoking pot…but if the censors get upset about onscreen drug use, the producers can always claim he's just smoking a Marlboro Light. After a woeful speech about how Rick just got sucked into this mess, Spawn suggests that they get together and figure a way out of the TerrorKompound. Rick picks up his shovel once again and starts to dig. They both dig. 'Cause, you see, Spawn and Rick "dig" each other. Heh.
Kiefer arrives at St. Mahk's hospital, briefs the security team real fast, and is finally reunited with BoK in front of the OR where PMMS is fighting for her life. They hug and, for a moment, things seem rosy. BoK introduces Kiefer to AllegedYork and tells him what a great "friend" he's been to her all evening. Kiefer asks AllegedYork if he can ask PMMS -- who has just "pulled through" -- some questions. AllegedYork is concerned about his "daughter's" health, and isn't so sure she'd be up to questioning. Then Kiefer gets in AllegedYork's face about how close he is to PMMS and how well he knows who she "goes out with on a school night." BoK tries to run some interference, but Kiefer's attention is captured by an argument at the nurse's desk. A man with super-short hair and the eyes of a serial killer is trying to visit his "brother" with a briefcase he refuses to show security. Security doesn't stop him; they just yell, "Hey what's in the briefcase!" at him a few times. Finally Kiefer pins him to a stretcher and opens the briefcase to find a lot of prescription drugs inside. A nurse comes by, identifies the guy as "Ben," and explains that Ben's brother is in detox and Ben was trying to slip his brother a "fix." Ben is carted away by security. Kiefer and BoK look at each other in horror and embrace.
At 5:19:36, Erykah Badu enters the Palmer Headquarters. Oh wait, that's not Erykah -- it's Mrs. Huxtable, emerging from the shower with a giant towel wrapped around her head. She asks Palmer what Kreepy Karl wanted while a long shot reveals that she's wearing high heels under her robe. Whatever. Palmer confronts her with her role in the Theo cover-up. At first Mrs. Huxtable tries to deny it, then explains it away by telling him that it was for his own good that he didn't know. "I did what I thought was right," says Mrs. H, putting her manicured fingers to her forehead. Palmer asks if Nicole knew too. "We were protecting you," answers Mrs. H. "Or were you protecting your chance to move into the White House?" says Palmer. Mrs. Huxtable pleads that she wants "the same things" her husband does, and doesn't want a family scandal to destroy their dreams. Palmer retorts that the scandal is on its way out there. Mrs. Huxtable is all, "Well then you're gonna lose a lot more than an election!" Palmer removes her red talons from the bedroom doorknob and exits. Mrs. Huxtable gives the camera a good long sexy look of sociopathic despair. The time is 5:22:48.
Don't you love it when they broadcast the same commercial twice in one commercial break? What are they thinking? It's the advertising equivalent of pushing the elevator button a couple extra times in the vain hope that your extra pushes will bring the elevator faster. But sometimes it comes in handy. Like this ad for the new James Marsden war movie. Hey, was that Rolling Stone who called it one of the "best movies" of the year? Why yes, indeed, it is. And the Beautiful by Estee Lauder ad? Fascinating. I can't take my eyes off of Elizabeth Hurley as the bride at a wedding…where there's no groom. She just kind of exits this church with these two kids, and then she and her wedding party get on this boat and she just frolics to "Beautiful Morning" by the Rascals with these two kids on the boat with her wedding party, but there's no discernable male around whom she seems to have just married. Maybe she married the kids. Come to think of it, it's been a while since the Lauder family told ol' Paulina Porizkova to take a hike and replaced her with Elizabeth Hurley. Shouldn't Liz be getting the boot soon? I also heard that the execs are concerned because Liz's skin has "turned" and the makeup artists have to work a lot harder than they used to to get Liz "ready" for the camera.
The time is 5:27:16. Klockwise from the top, Spawn and Rick continue to "dig it," Kiefer reflects, and Palmer paces. Spawn and Rick's hole gets deeper, and so does the konversation. Rick digs over on his end of the grave and waxes rhapsodic over Evil Frat Boy #2 and the hell-raising life he led. Spawn does some digging of her own and compares his self-destructiveness to that of PMMS, and points out the irony of missing her own mother right now. "Must [dig] be nice [dig] having a mother [dig] you like [dig]," says Rick in what has to be the gayest line of the entire episode. Additional [dig]-spiked dialogue establishes that Rick didn't have too good a home life growing up, which is why he ended up in his present career as a freelance kidnapper of upper-middle-class teenage girls. Having unburdened themselves to each other sufficiently, Spawn wants to talk strategy. "We've [dig] got to get [dig] out of here [dig]," she whines but before they can hatch a plan, Ira Gaines enters and tells Spawn to follow him back to the TerrorShack. Spawn gives Gaines this really defiant look, so Gaines is all, "Leave the shovel behind unless you're going to use it on me." Spawn throws down her shovel and stomps off. Gaines tells Rick that he'd better have his friend "in the ground" by the time he comes back.
Back at St. Mahk's, Kiefer makes a cell phone call to Nina, who is in forensics sporting a pale blue lab coat that reminds me of something Madge the manicurist would be wearing on those Palmolive commercials. No ID has been made on the mystery body yet, and the DNA analysis is going to take too long for Kiefer's liking. Nina has ascertained, however, that the body has been dead since 11:00 PM and midnight last night -- in other words, right before the first episode. Kiefer tells Nina to put Jalapeno on the case so they'll get results faster. Nina asks if they've found Spawn. Kiefer admits, with annoyance and frustration in his voice, that they have not.
Down the hall, AllegedYork and Bride of Kiefer watch Kiefer pace while he talks to Nina. In a slightly Lifetime-movie sort of way, BoK apologizes for Kiefer's temper. AllegedYork observes that Kiefer has every right to be "wound up." BoK says disparagingly that Kiefer is always wound up and that she's "used to it." "I thought you said he sat behind a desk," says AllegedYork. "I don't know what he does half the time," replies BoK, despairing over life as a CIA wife. AllegedYork tries to lighten the mood by reminding Bride that PMMS will be conscious soon and she'll be able to help them find Spawn. This subdues Bride momentarily. Kiefer approaches them now that he's off the phone with Nina and asks Bride to talk to him privately a few yards down the hall. They walk away from AllegedYork, and Bride asks Kiefer why he brought so much security and who would want to hurt PMMS. Kiefer spills. He tells her about the Palmer assassination attempt and how it seems to be related to Spawn's disappearance, which seems to be a terrorist kidnapping. Bride freaks out, bursts into tears, and kollapses into Kiefer's rust Gore Tex field jacket from Eddie Bauer. Kiefer komforts her, expressing regret at not being able to separate his work life from his home life. "What do they want with her?" whimpers BoK. Kiefer assures her that Spawn is probably okay, because the kidnappers need her alive to get what they want. BoK kries some more. Kiefer promises that everything will be okay. Then they show AllegedYork pretending not to be eavesdropping. The time is 5:33:09
The time is 5:37:47. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer comforts Bride, Rick continues to bury Evil Frat Boy #2, and Jalapeno is back to work. Jalapeno works at yet another workstation, because God forbid she should she should sit at the same desk for more than an hour. And not only have her bangs gotten longer, but she's got these two new strands of hair that frame the bangs on either end that are a couple of inches longer than the bangs themselves. Oh, and by the way, I was checking out IMDB a few days ago and in the bio for Karina Arroyave -- the actress who plays Jalapeno -- it mentions that she appeared in a total of three "dedicated teacher" films where the teacher tries to get the inner city students to want to learn. One of her credits, seriously, is as one of Michelle Pfeiffer's students in Dangerous Minds. Nina approaches Jalapeno and tells her to take a break from the keycard data extraction and get down to forensics to help her ID the new body. Jalapeno is annoyed at this request, as she was "just about to crack the outer shell." Nina snippily retorts that Jalapeno had said she's "cracked the outer shell" an hour ago, and tells Jalapeno that they're bringing in a temp named Milo to finish up. Um, what? Two hours ago, Kiefer, Jalapeno, and Nina were supposed to be this impenetrable wall of group trust and now they're bringing in a temp to replace Jalapeno? Whatever. Jalapeno argues that she's better at data extraction than Milo. Nina disagrees. Jalapeno subtly indicates her annoyance at being replaced by handing Nina the keycard just a little bit too abruptly. Nina promises to "brief" Jalapeno on the John Doe on their way over to forensics. A new camera angle indicates that Soul Patch is listening to everything they've said, because it's not like he's doing work or anything.
Accompanied by two Secret Service men, Palmer knocks on the door of Mike, his chief of staff. Is he staying in this hotel too? Who knows? Mike is an austere crusty white man -- a poor man's Hume Cronyn, if you will. He invites Palmer in and makes a wry comment about privacy.
Back at Frederic Fekkai City Hospital, Kiefer and Bride of Kiefer get back from their mutual weep session in time to see AllegedYork getting on an elevator. He's on his way up to see PMMS in ICU. She's awake. Bride of Kiefer kongratulates him. Kiefer apologizes for his konfrontational behavior earlier. AllegedYork forgives him. They do everything but sing "Kumbaya." Kiefer's phone rings. It's Nina, calling to say she found a surgical pin inside the John Doe. Kiefer tells her to trace the pin through its manufacturer and call him back when they "have something."
Poor Man's Hume Cronyn is breaking it down for Palmer, telling him what he can expect if his family scandal goes public. His popularity would take a nosedive, the media would discuss it twenty-four hours a day, and then the Democratic party would dump him. But on the other hand, PMHC reasons, if they handle this right, he could come back from it. Palmer expounds upon how awful it must look to the American public for him to have a killer as a son and a family who helped to cover it up. PMHC argues that the murder was in self-defense, and that the election is six months away, leaving them time to ride out the scandal. "The voters know how to forgive," says PMHC. "You just have to know how to ask for it." Cue the frantic mandolins. And the first thing Palmer needs to do, according to PMHC, is to come clean with the public before the Maureen Kingsley story breaks. PMHC goes on to explain that Palmer will need his family's support to do this.
Back at St. Mahk's, PMMS's chief surgeon, a tiny but wiry Japanese woman, is telling AllegedYork, Kiefer, and Bride of Kiefer about how PMMS has no spinal injuries but plenty of other skeletal fractures -- neglecting to mention the fact that she was on smack and roofies too. She walks them down the hall and gives them an improbable excuse for PMMS's heart failure during surgery. "The six hours will be critical," says Chief Surgeon. "But I'm optimistic." Kiefer asks her if they can ask her "a couple questions." Chief Surgeon leaves it up to AllegedYork, who, after much sputtering, decides that he'll go in first to see if PMMS is "up to it." AllegedYork exits, and Kiefer and BoK walk back to the waiting room with their arms around each other, feeling newly optimistic. Kiefer promises Bride a trip to Kanada when this is all over -- a shout-out to our forum thread on the connection between 24 and all things Kanadian. Kiefer's cell rings. He answers, assuming it's Nina. But it's not. It's Ira Gaines. Cue the eerie ambient techno music. He tells Kiefer to smile and act like there's nothing wrong and "move away from the doors." Kiefer looks up at the hospital surveillance camera. "That's right," says Ira Gaines, standing over a video screen with Konfused Kiefer on it. "We're watching you." He tells Kiefer to move away from his wife or Spawn gets a bullet in her head. Kiefer backs up, tells Bride he's having interference problems -– oh, like you're even allowed to use a cell phone in a hospital to begin with, but that's a whole other tangent. Gaines tells him to exit the hospital via the north entrance, and follows his every move on his video screen.
Oh, and if that's not enough tension and suspense for you, we go back to AllegedYork and Chief Surgeon, who are making small talk about PMMS's toughness on their way to her room in ICU. Chief Surgeon offers him the chance to just go in alone -- I'm surprised she didn't just hand him a pillow or something. AllegedYork accepts her offer and walks into PMMS's room. Through her respirator, PMMS mumbles something about not knowing who the hell AllegedYork is. AllegedYork strokes her hair, then bends the mouthpiece of the respirator shut and holds the mask down on PMMS's face so that she suffocates. But here's the mind fuck: I'm watching from my couch, and I am just laughing away at PMMS's struggling and choking like it's any other bad thing to happen to PMMS in just about every other episode of 24. And I'm feeling so proud of myself that AllegedYork isn't really York as I predicted. But I'm also thinking -- unlike some very shrewd people on our boards -- that there's no way they're going to kill PMMS. She's going to pull through this. We need her to pull through. Each weekly sadistic mishap helped me through some tough times, and this is just another one of those sadistic mishaps. Right? The monitor on her life support system will sound an alarm, and some nurse or other will rush in and save her. Right? Wrong. No one saves PMMS. AllegedYork manages to kill her with this completely expressionless look on his face. Damn you, cheesy Fox suspense show, for making me laugh so hard one minute and cry so hard the ! PMMS is dead. She's dead. I can't believe it. He exits the room. The time is 5:47:37.
The time is 5:51:45. Klockwise from the top left, Bride of Kiefer is still standing in the hospital hallway, waiting for Kiefer to return; Ira Gaines takes a sip of coffee by his video monitor; Kiefer exits St. Mahk's. Cue the techno dance music. Kiefer enters a multi-level parking garage, and Gaines guides him toward a silver Taurus. Kiefer gets in, as commanded by Gaines, and demands proof that his daughter is still alive. Gaines puts Spawn on the phone; she manages to say that she's not hurt before she's cut off. Gaines tells Kiefer to go into the glove compartment, remove an earpiece, and put it in his ear. It's a hi-tech cell phone or something that will enable Gaines to communicate with Kiefer. "Say something," says Gaines, in order to test Kiefer's new toy. "If you hurt my daughter I will kill you," says Kiefer. Gaines laughs. "Now that's a clear signal." He makes Kiefer toss his cell phone out the window and drive to CTU.
At 5:54:33, Bride picks up her cell phone and tries to call Kiefer. She gets his voicemail and leaves a message, asking him where he went. DefinitelyNotYork sneaks up behind her and asks her where Jack is. He's got important information. Bride wants to know what it is, so York holds up an address Janet gave him where they were being held in Bel Air. Bride calls Kiefer's cell again and runs around the hallways of the hospital looking for him while the camera does 360-degree swirlies all around her. DefinitelyNotYork offers to take Bride to the address in Bel Air where Spawn might be. Hysterical and babbling childishly, Bride allows DNY to take her into the very same arms that just killed her daughter's friend and drive her to Bel Air. "I guess I'll just call Kiefer from the car," says Bride, being led to York's car.
The grave has been dug. Rick drags EFB #2's body over to the hole and throws it in. Spawn enters the frame, and they have a moment before Rick starts to cover his body. Spawn is feeling newly optimistic about their chances of leaving the TerrorKompound. "I just spoke to my dad on the phone," she says confidently. "He's going to get us out." They throw more dirt on EFB #2's body.
At 5:57:50 in CTU forensics, Jalapeno and Nina are doing their thing in the lab like they're trained medical examiners in addition to being all-powerful computer hackers. Milo the temp enters, and I'm so happy to report that it's Eric Balfour, Jesse from theBuffypilot and Gabe, Claire's "meth date" on Six Feet Under. The way they just slip this established character actor on to the set as a wacky temp, I'm wondering if we should suspect him of being in with Gaines or something. Nah! But seriously, the negative chemistry between Jalapeno and Milo is priceless. Milo hovers around her, eating dry Count Chocula from a paper cup and asking her know-it-all questions about data extraction methodology. He proposes a faster way of getting the data off the card, and it almost looks as if we're supposed to suspect that Jalapeno is purposely slowing down the keycard project. Nina announces that Jalapeno's work paid off and they got an ID on the new John Doe. They exit the room to call Kiefer. Milo lags behind, licking Count Chocula dust off his fingers and nosing around.
The sun rises over…some valley in Los Angeles, I have no idea where. I know nothing about Southern California. Bride and NotYork are driving to Bel Air in York's car. Bride notices a scratch on York's wrist that hadn't been there before. "It happened back at the furniture store," lies Not York, pulling his sleeve suspiciously over the scratch. Bride's cell rings. "Maybe that's Jack," says NotYork in a pseudo-helpful way. Bride picks up. It's Nina, and in a total unlikelihood (that I'll forgive, because it moves the plot along perfectly), she asks Bride if she can "pass on an important message to Kiefer" because she can't reach him on his cell phone. Bride offers that she can't locate Kiefer either, and soon they both establish that it wasn't Nina on the phone when Kiefer slipped away to take his last cell call. "What's going on?" asks Bride, starting to get hysterical again. Nina doesn't know but tells Bride to tell Kiefer that the name of the murder victim he wanted ID is Alan York. "What was that again," says Bride, keeping her voice steady. "Alan York," says Nina. "He was an accountant from the Valley." Bride promises to pass on the message, Nina signs off, and they both hang up. Bride puts her cell away. "Everything all right?" asks NotYork in the driver's seat. "Yeah," says Bride, keeping her cool. "That was just someone from Kiefer's office." They continue driving. Leslie Hope rocks! The screen gets smaller, and Bride of Kiefer floats to the top left. Klockwise from Bride, Kiefer drives into CTU, Spawn and Rick put the final dirt on EFB #2's grave, and Palmer muses. Then there's a really really tight close-up of Bride thinking hard before they drive away into the sunrise. The time is 5:59:57…5:59:58…5:59:59...6:00:00. They killed PMMS! They really killed her!