Previously on 24, Kiefer shoots district director Xander Berkeley with a tranquilizer gun and blackmails him for information about the source of information about the assassination while Nina disapproves. Soul Patch tattles. Kiefer confronts Nina about the key card. Senator Huxtable is trying to suppress allegations that his son killed his daughter's rapist on the eve of the California presidential primary. Ira Gaines calls the evil frat boys to check on their capture of Spawn of Kiefer. The frat boys tell him that everything's "copa." Spawn tries to escape from her kidnappers and puts a call in to her mother, who calls 911. Poor Man's Mena Suvari is hit by a car and doesn't die, ensuring that the laughter and sick thrills inspired by her multiple misfortunes will continue for many episodes to come.
We resume our story right where we left off -- with the side-splittingly hilarious sight of PMMS lying in the middle of the street. Furthermore, the DP has added even more sickness by shooting her from a truncated angle, making her near-lifeless body look like a piece of street trash. A car passes and slows down. Does someone stop to help her? Au contraire. The driver yells at her to get her drunken ass off the street. A homeless person walks by. Princess Roadkill uses all her remaining energy -- energy that hasn't yet been sapped by the roofies, the crowbar to the arm, the heroin, the unsuccessful run from her captors, the impact of a speeding automobile, and the painful realization that has to have sunk in by now that her boyfriend is in league with terrorists and was merely using her to kidnap her friend -- to reach out her hand to signal that she needs help. Her gesture is ignored. She puts her head down again. I wet my pants. Several yards away, the evil frat boys are dragging Spawn of Kiefer back to The Purple Van Of Teen Impertinence. Now, if I were being detained by a couple of people who were probably going to kill me judging by their callous treatment of my best friend, I wouldn't be "struggling" so much as I'd be kicking, screaming, biting, pulling hair, and gouging out my captors' eyes. Spawn's protests look more like the kind of coy fight put up by a drunken sorority girl about to be thrown into a Ft. Lauderdale motel pool. "Don't, guys! If my Fuddruckers t-shirt gets wet, you'll be able to see right through it!" They force Spawn into the van. She argues that -- get this -- they should to go back and get PMMS because she needs their help. Spawn? I think it's quite apparent that, at this point, PMMS is much better off lying facedown on a moist street than inside The Purple Van Of Teen Impertinence. And speaking of Princess Roadkill, we are treated to yet another shot of her lying in the street, babbling incoherently. The Evil Frat Boys have another power struggle when Rick sort of sides with Spawn and EFB2 accuses him once again of being her bitch. "We can't just leave her in the street!" shrieks Spawn. Why not? It's hilarious!
Back at CTU, Nina is giving Kiefer the cold shoulder over the whole mole misunderstanding, and it looks for a moment like Kiefer is going to lose his coffee-room hummer privileges for a while. So, remember how Walsh told Kiefer not to trust anyone in the CTU office with information except Jalapeno Spice? Well, in order to get back into Nina's good graces, Kiefer spills everything: Walsh's death, Deep Throat Jr.'s death, the possibility of an insider being involved with the assassination, and the nature of the key card. Nice going, Kiefer. You kept that to yourself for -- what -- two hours? And you work for the CIA? I've seen Monica Lewinsky keep her mouth shut longer. Anyway, Nina loses the attitude and Kiefer decides that Nina, Jalapeno, and himself are to stick together and trust no one else. He tells Nina to work with Jalapeno to retrieve information from the card, and excuses himself to make a call. I would just like to say here that as annoying as Nina is, I have to give props to actress Sarah Clarke for her pitch-perfect delivery of these ambiguous facial expressions that are still keeping me guessing whose side she's on.
Question: What moves even slower than real time? Answer: The Senator Palmer plotline. He arrives back at his office. The Secret Service wants to brief him, but he kicks them out of his office for a minute so he can call Carl The Heavy to see what's up. Carl answers from his car phone and tells Palmer that he hasn't found out any new information…'cause it's only been a whopping fifteen minutes since Palmer told him about the situation in the first place, and chances are that anyone who can tell him anything might just be asleep at this hour. Carl explains this to Palmer, who is unsatisfied with this "excuse." "I need you to find out the source of this story," says Senator Huxtable. "Not first thing in the morning. Now!" Then he hangs up before Carl The Heavy can reason with him. Mrs. Huxtable enters and whines yet again about wanting to know about what's going on. Senator Huxtable explains that he needed to get away for a while. Mrs. Huxtable realizes that he doesn't know about the assassination attempt, and tries to explain the gravity of the situation. "Is that what all the fuss is about?" says Palmer when told about the assassination attempt. "I thought it was something serious." He exits.
Back at CTU, Soul Patch is looking like a professional for a change -- obviously just a cover for the fact that he called Xander Berkeley a few minutes ago. He gets up from his computer when Kiefer walks by and shows him some intriguing information about the downed flight. Apparently, even though the ticketing file indicated that first class was full, the passenger manifest indicated that there was an empty seat, despite the existence of a waiting list. Yeah, I'm sure there was an empty seat as soon as EuroMartin vacated his to sit on Mandy's face. Kiefer tells him to get someone named Rayburn into the office, and then walks over to yet another highly designed section of the CTU offices that we've never seen before, where Nina and Jalapeno are sitting at a computer terminal behind a 1960s Italian-made aluminum-mesh wall divider. Forget what I said last week about the information being retrieved from the key card. It hasn't been retrieved yet. Yes, I'm confused too. But now they have been able to retrieve some information off the key card. It's just an address. They cross-check the address with Palmer's schedule for the coming day, but don't find anything. Kiefer orders Jalapeno -- whose hair is now back in a ponytail, making her bangs a thing onto themselves -- to cross-check the address against Palmer's staff's schedule for the coming day, but for some reason that will take hours. He has a strange eye-contact moment with Soul Patch from across the room as Soul Patch is sipping coffee from a Chicago Cubs cup, and Kiefer decides to leave the office yet again and go check out the address himself.
Before he does, though, Jalapeno's computer hits a communications snag. The phones are down too. "It's a lockdown!" says Nina as the office extras give each other looks of confusion. Xander Berkeley enters the building with a staff of minions in navy suits. "It's Mason!" says Kiefer to Nina. "Hide the key card!" Jalapeno takes the key card out of the key card drive and hides it -- probably behind her bangs. Mason approaches Nina and explains that they're under lockdown while the men he brought from internal investigations can, well, internally investigate, I guess. What an organized government agency! At 2:59 AM, a disgruntled employee with an attitude problem drops a dime and eight minutes later, a fleet of CIA agents have got their asses out of bed, showered, shaved, thrown on their freshly pressed suits, and locked the place down. If only I could get a late-night pizza delivery that fast. "We're trying to stop an assassination, George," says Nina. "Can't you find anything better to do than this?" Mason explains that since two agents died that night, they have to shut down the office until they investigate fully. "Where's [Kiefer]?" asks Mason, exchanging a knowing glance with Soul Patch. Nina claims not to know, but the right side of the split screen reveals that Kiefer is escaping the building through a side door. Kiefer is prevented from leaving by an II suit who is stationed there, and claims he has to get some work from his car. The suit isn't buying this, so Kiefer has to punch him out and make a break for it. The time is 03:09:12 AM.
The time is 3:13:14. Clockwise from the top left, Spawn is riding in the Purple Van, having momentarily calmed down. Mason is walking around CTU establishing order, and Kiefer is making a getaway in the Kiefmobile. At CTU, Mason is briefing the entire staff on the lockdown and how no one can leave the building or have access to sensitive intelligence. All the extras in the office stand around with their arms crossed as if they're at an office birthday party for an employee they don't like that much. It's like everyone is thinking, "How long after I finish my piece of cake can I go back to my desk and check my horoscope online?" Nina surreptitiously crosses over to where Soul Patch is standing and accuses him of calling Mason. "Somebody had to," says Soul Patch. "Kiefer's out of kontrol." Then they have a little fight over whether Kiefer had anything to do with the two dead agents, and whether Soul Patch's call had anything to do with the Nina-Kiefer-Soul Patch love triangle. An agent walks over to Mason and tells him that Kiefer has left the building. Mason asks Nina where Kiefer is. Nina plays dumb.
At 3:17:35, Palmer finally decides to give his Secret Service detail the time of day. They enter his office, tell him about the assassination attempt, and explain that this one is different. "I get serious threats every morning with my orange juice," says Palmer. Secret Service Guy tells Palmer about the overseas marksman and the exploded plane. "These are serious people who want you dead today," says Secret Service Guy. Palmer takes this in but refuses to change his schedule, as it's the day of an important primary. Theo Huxtable enters and asks Palmer about the threat. Palmer assures his son that the Secret Service is taking good care of him. "They better," says Theo. "Or I'll kill them just like I did that guy who raped my sister." Actually, he didn't say that last part. I'm just trying to nudge the plot along.
At 3:19:10, the Purple Van is careening along the streets of L.A.; inside, Spawn of Kiefer is still whining about Princess Roadkill and trying to cause divisiveness between the Evil Frat Boys. Rick seems to be taking Spawn's side when all of sudden EFB2 makes a sudden U-turn. "You know, she may be right after all," says EFB2. "If she's alive, she can ID us." Realizing that they're going to kill her friend, Spawn whines even louder. Rick ties her up and puts some duct tape over her mouth. You know I'd just like to say that using force to silence a dissenting opinion from a woman is misogynist, un-American, and never something to laugh at or derive sadistic pleasure from…unless it's Spawn of Kiefer trying to save PMMS's life.
Meanwhile, Bride of Kiefer and Mr. York are driving fast and furiously to the North Hollywood Auto Body shop, where the girls said they'd be. A cop notices Mr. York's lead foot and pulls them over. Before Mr. York can hand over his license and registration -- an important detail, mind you, since we're not even sure he's PMMS's father -- he pulls a Zsa Zsa Gabor and is placed under arrest. Like, is anyone still stupid enough to talk back to a member of the LAPD in these post-Rodney King times? Ironically, while he's being cuffed, The Purple Van Of Teen Impertinence drives right by. Neither GaggedSpawn nor BOK realizes how close they are to each other. The time is 3:23:50.
The time is 3:27:51. Clockwise from the top left, Mr. York is standing by a swinging light fixture, Evil Frat Boy #2 is driving GaggedSpawn around, Mason is overseeing the lockdown, and Bride of Kiefer is sitting in Mr. York's car with bad hair. Mason leads Nina into the Til-Behrens-furnished coffee room -- where Kiefer confronted Nina with the key card last week -- and tries to pump her for information. See what I just did there? "Pump"? Geddit? Nina continues to play dumb. Mason makes subtle threats. Nina reminds Mason about the dirt Kiefer has on him. Mason laughs it off, claiming that Kiefer's in way more trouble. "He's going down, Nina," says Mason, leaning in. "But that doesn't mean you have to do go down with him." How does anyone talk to Nina about "going down" with a straight face? But there's more. Mason knows about their affair, and claims that Kiefer brags about it. Nina sees through Mason's scare tactics and still refuses to talk.
At 3:29:33, the Kiefmobile is speeding toward the mystery address on San Fernando Road. Kiefer calls BoK on the Kar Phone, but that's the precise moment that BoK decides to get out of Mr. York's car and try to argue with the police some more, leaving her cell in the front seat so that Kiefer has to leave a voicemail. Finally, he finds the address, which turns out to be yet another seedy-yet-picturesque warehouse. He enters and draws his gun. A guy appears in the distance, lighting a cigarette. "Don't move!" says Kiefer. The guy runs off, and they trade gunfire. Cue the drum machines. A suspiciously camera-friendly African-American female police officer just happens to be driving by. She hears the shots, radios for 'back-up," and approaches the warehouse to investigate. When she gets out of her car, Flee-er from Kiefer runs past. She draws her gun and tells him to stop, but he keeps running. Then Kiefer runs by, and Officer Macy Gray (tm Amorak) stops him with a "hold it right there!" Kiefer tells her he's a special agent, and after he puts down his gun and throws her his wallet, she believes him. She lets him pick up his gun again, and they both go after FfK. Well, I just never knew that chasing an armed assailant through a dark warehouse with a uniformed stranger could be so damned sensual. OMG lends Kiefer a flashlight, and they run cautiously through the mazelike hallways, getting each other's backs. To the left, a split screen shows Bride of Kiefer calling Kiefer on his cell that Kiefer forgot to turn off. Kiefer turns off his phone, and OMG turns off her radio, which is also sputtering unwelcome noise. "I wish you hadn't called for back-up," says Kiefer. "The police have to play by the rules. We have to break a few with this guy." FfK runs by again.
Back at the CTU koffee room, where kaffeine and sexually charged konfrontation are always in steady supply, Mason is reminding Nina how Kiefer schtupped her and then went back to his wife. Subtle. Then Mason reminds Nina expositorially that her career with the agency was initially promising until she got involved with Kiefer. "You were going places, everyone knew it," says Mason. And by "places," I imagine that he means the CTU broom closet. "Do you know what your reputation is now?" says Mason. "Jack's flunky." Flunky? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Mason explains in so many words that Nina could get her career back on track if she distances himself from Kiefer and helps Mason out. "He's a loose cannon," says Mason, reminding Nina that he shot him with a tranquilizer gun. Nina continues to play dumb. Mason has another sip of coffee. Motherflunker!
And speaking of loose cannons who break the rules, Kiefer and OMG continue their pursuit of FfK through the dark seedy warehouse, but now the drum machine has been set aside in favor of some atmospheric industrial music, so we can hear every breath they take as they inch down the hall. A figure appears in front of them, and they draw their guns, only to find that it's a janitor who has to clean the building in the dark for some reason. The janitor puts up his hands and falls to the ground. FfK runs by, and there's more shooting. OMG tells the janitor -- in Spanish -- to remain there until they can come back and talk to him. "Bueno," says El Janitor.
At 3:36:09, the Purple Van is inching closer to the near-lifeless body of Princess Roadkill. Rick thinks she's dead. EFB2 needs to be "sure." He pulls out a gun, rolls down the window, and drives toward her while Spawn protests fitfully through the duct tape. Just as the Van gets close enough to PMMS for a good shot, an ambulance can be heard approaching. The Purple Van keeps driving, and EFB2 bashes the steering wheel in frustration. The time is 03:37:30 AM.
The time is 03:40:05 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer draws his gun, Bride looks bummed, Evil Frat Boy drives some more, and more CTU agents are kwestioned. One of Mason's minions questions Soul Patch in an empty office while Nina is excused from further interrogation. A split screen reveals both Nina and Jalapeno Spice looking scared. Nina gets a bright idea, which turns out not to be about giving Xander Berkeley a hummer. She walks up to Jalapeno and warns her that Mason is trying to plant seeds of doubt in everyone's mind, and tells her not to spill the beans. Jalapeno reminds Nina that Mason outranks Kiefer. Nina tells Jalapeno that their orders come from Walsh, who outranks Mason.
Hey, I didn't realize that Industria Superstudios, the set for many a Vogue and Bazaar photo shoot, was a hotbed of terrorist activity. But then I've always wondered why Steven Meisel never takes off that big hat. As Kiefer and OMG continue to chase their suspect, they hear his footsteps going toward the building door. "This place is like a maze!" says OMG of the dust-free hallway adorned with skylights.
At 3:41:59, Palmer gets a call from Carl The Heavy. CTH has found the source of the story -- a name Palmer recognizes. Palmer gets off the phone and walks into the sitting room, where Mrs. Huxtable is working on a needlepoint sampler that says, "Love is killing your sister's rapist!" No wait, I'm just kidding! It's an iBook she's holding on her lap. "You've been spending a lot of time behind closed doors," says Mrs. Huxtable. Palmer finally tells Mrs. Huxtable about the murder of Nicole's rapist and how there's evidence that suggests that Keith did it. (Strangely, my closed captioning spells his name "Kief.") Apparently, the source of the story is a man named George Ferragamo, who is Keith's therapist and not an Italian shoe designer. "This man is lying," says Mrs. Huxtable. "We've got to get our lawyers on this right away!" Palmer expresses confusion. He has always trusted Maureen the reporter, and refers to her as "one of the few professionals left." "You can't seriously think that our son could be a killer!" gasps Mrs. Huxtable.
We return now to a special episode of COPS, where, for the first time on the perennial Fox show, some shirt-wearing white folk are being arrested. Mr. York argues some more with the officer, who explains to him that he's committed a serious crime. BoK pleads for a "break." A radio dispatcher confirms that York and BoK called 911 approximately thirty minutes ago and are therefore telling the truth about looking for their missing daughters. "Idiots!" says Mr. York in a stage whisper. I repeat, Mr. York -- this is the LAPD. You are lucky you aren't on the business end of that nightstick. They drive off.
Back at the multi-million dollar Williamsburg, Brooklyn gallery space…I mean, the "seedy warehouse"…back-up has arrived in the form of police helicopters. Yeah, right. Trouble in a bad L.A. neighborhood? Let's call in a S.W.A.T. team. I'm sure it happens all the time. Kiefer and OMG split up to cut FfK off at the exit. Kiefer warns OMG not to shoot FfK, because he needs him alive. "And don't hit me either." They do the law enforcement shimmy separately through the corridors, and OMG bumps into El Janitor, who is all, "Por favor!" While she yells at him for not staying put, FfK comes up behind her and puts a gun to her neck. The time is 03:46:41.
The time is 3:52:26. Klockwise from the top left, OMG is still being held by FfK, Kiefer is still in hot pursuit of FfK, Jalapeno Spice is on her way to the Koffee Konfrontation room, and BoK is doing what BoK does best: absolutely nothing. Kiefer prowls the corrugated metal hallways and hears the helicopters approaching. "You want me?" yells FfK. "Come and get me!" OMG protests for Kiefer to stay put. Kiefer advances and demands that FfK drop his gun. FfK is all, "No, you drop the gun!" They continue back and forth like that until Kiefer tells OMG in Spanish to move when he drops his gun. "Speak English, asshole!" says FfK. I didn't know we could say "asshole" on network television now. Kool. Kiefer drops his gun, and Officer Macy Gray breaks free. A gun goes off. Kiefer lunges for FfK. OMG moans. Kiefer bashes FfK against the corrugated metal walls and yells for OMG to throw him her cuffs. OMG doesn't answer…'cause she's dead. Aw! I wanted her and Kiefer to hook up.
Mr. York and BoK pass the speeding ambulance that presumably carted PMMS off to a city hospital, where she will be ignored in triage for the seventeen episodes…I mean, "hours." They stop to ask the homeless woman who ignored Princess Roadkill earlier what just happened. "It could involve our children," says BoK. The crusty homeless woman -- who incidentally is sporting Meatloaf's haircut -- is all, "You shouldn't let your children come down here," and explains in a Boston accent that a girl was hit by a "caah" and was rushed to St. Mark's Hospital. "Is she alive?" asks BoK. "She didn't look good!" says Ms. Meatloaf. York makes a U-turn and heads for St. Mark's.
The Purple Van stops in front of a parking garage adorned with scary graffiti art. Evil Frat Boy #2 wisely opens the back of the van so that everyone who happens to be walking by can see that he's got a girl sitting inside with duct tape over her mouth. Gaines pulls up in a Lexus. He walks past EFB#2 with barely a nod and approaches GaggedSpawn. "Where's the other one?" he asks. EFB#2 lies and says that they killed PMMS and hid the body. Gaines stares down Rick for confirmation. "You're with me now," says Gaines to GaggedSpawn. "If you're good, you'll be back at the mall in a day or two. If you're bad, you won't." How the hell does he control where she shops? Who does he think he is -- a security guard at the Encino Galleria? Spawn signals her compliance with a duct-tape-muffled grunt.
Back at CTU, an anonymous hand guides Agent She-Bangs over to Mason. Upon meeting Mason, Jalapeno blurts out that she knows absolutely nothing. Mason tries to appeal to her fear by explaining that Nina and Jack are setting her up to be the fall guy. Jalapeno's bangs quake under the applied pressure. Before he can intimidate her anymore, Mason gets a call on his cell. The police have tipped II off about Kiefer's whereabouts. Mason stops by Nina's desk. "Off the record," says Mason. "What's so special about [Kiefer]?" Yeah, like Nina is picky. Nina doesn't answer, and Mason gathers his men and they leave the building -- but not without reminding Nina to think about what they talked about. Nina gives the camera another ambiguous indirect glance.
Back at the TerrorWarehouse, OMG's co-workers gather around mournfully as OMG is pronounced "DOA" -- a shout-out to another real-time thriller? Kiefer is krushed. He asks her commanding officer for her name, which turns out to be Jessie Hampton, and asks if he can take FfK in. Commanding Officer isn't thrilled about letting Kiefer have FfK, since he just killed a cop…and a really foxy cop at that…but they let him question FfK for a few minutes. Kiefer approaches FfK, who is sitting on the ground in cuffs, and asks him who he is and who he works for. FfK promises to talk if Kiefer can get him out of police custody. Kiefer assures FfK that the police will exercise restraint and professionalism, despite the fact that he killed one of their people. "That's not who I'm scared of," says FfK. Kiefer asks FfK who he is scared of. FfK refuses to talk, but lets on that he knows who Kiefer is and the whereabouts of Kiefer's daughter. Upon hearing his daughter mentioned, Kiefer slams FfK against the wall. The police come to take him away before Kiefer can beat more information out of him. The screen splits into four parts showing (klockwise from the top left) Kiefer running down an alley, GaggedSpawn waiting for something to happen, the Huxtables comforting each other, and York and BoK driving to St. Marks. Kiefer runs to the Kiefmobile, gets inside, and takes off for points unknown. The time is 3:59:58…3:39:59…4:00:00.