3:00 AM -- 4:00 AM

Previously on 24, Kiefer shoots district director Xander Berkeley with a tranquilizer gun and blackmails him for information about the source of information about the assassination while Nina disapproves. Soul Patch tattles. Kiefer confronts Nina about the key card. Senator Huxtable is trying to suppress allegations that his son killed his daughter's rapist on the eve of the California presidential primary. Ira Gaines calls the evil frat boys to check on their capture of Spawn of Kiefer. The frat boys tell him that everything's "copa." Spawn tries to escape from her kidnappers and puts a call in to her mother, who calls 911. Poor Man's Mena Suvari is hit by a car and doesn't die, ensuring that the laughter and sick thrills inspired by her multiple misfortunes will continue for many episodes to come.

We resume our story right where we left off -- with the side-splittingly hilarious sight of PMMS lying in the middle of the street. Furthermore, the DP has added even more sickness by shooting her from a truncated angle, making her near-lifeless body look like a piece of street trash. A car passes and slows down. Does someone stop to help her? Au contraire. The driver yells at her to get her drunken ass off the street. A homeless person walks by. Princess Roadkill uses all her remaining energy -- energy that hasn't yet been sapped by the roofies, the crowbar to the arm, the heroin, the unsuccessful run from her captors, the impact of a speeding automobile, and the painful realization that has to have sunk in by now that her boyfriend is in league with terrorists and was merely using her to kidnap her friend -- to reach out her hand to signal that she needs help. Her gesture is ignored. She puts her head down again. I wet my pants. Several yards away, the evil frat boys are dragging Spawn of Kiefer back to The Purple Van Of Teen Impertinence. Now, if I were being detained by a couple of people who were probably going to kill me judging by their callous treatment of my best friend, I wouldn't be "struggling" so much as I'd be kicking, screaming, biting, pulling hair, and gouging out my captors' eyes. Spawn's protests look more like the kind of coy fight put up by a drunken sorority girl about to be thrown into a Ft. Lauderdale motel pool. "Don't, guys! If my Fuddruckers t-shirt gets wet, you'll be able to see right through it!" They force Spawn into the van. She argues that -- get this -- they should to go back and get PMMS because she needs their help. Spawn? I think it's quite apparent that, at this point, PMMS is much better off lying facedown on a moist street than inside The Purple Van Of Teen Impertinence. And speaking of Princess Roadkill, we are treated to yet another shot of her lying in the street, babbling incoherently. The Evil Frat Boys have another power struggle when Rick sort of sides with Spawn and EFB2 accuses him once again of being her bitch. "We can't just leave her in the street!" shrieks Spawn. Why not? It's hilarious!

Back at CTU, Nina is giving Kiefer the cold shoulder over the whole mole misunderstanding, and it looks for a moment like Kiefer is going to lose his coffee-room hummer privileges for a while. So, remember how Walsh told Kiefer not to trust anyone in the CTU office with information except Jalapeno Spice? Well, in order to get back into Nina's good graces, Kiefer spills everything: Walsh's death, Deep Throat Jr.'s death, the possibility of an insider being involved with the assassination, and the nature of the key card. Nice going, Kiefer. You kept that to yourself for -- what -- two hours? And you work for the CIA? I've seen Monica Lewinsky keep her mouth shut longer. Anyway, Nina loses the attitude and Kiefer decides that Nina, Jalapeno, and himself are to stick together and trust no one else. He tells Nina to work with Jalapeno to retrieve information from the card, and excuses himself to make a call. I would just like to say here that as annoying as Nina is, I have to give props to actress Sarah Clarke for her pitch-perfect delivery of these ambiguous facial expressions that are still keeping me guessing whose side she's on.

Question: What moves even slower than real time? Answer: The Senator Palmer plotline. He arrives back at his office. The Secret Service wants to brief him, but he kicks them out of his office for a minute so he can call Carl The Heavy to see what's up. Carl answers from his car phone and tells Palmer that he hasn't found out any new information'cause it's only been a whopping fifteen minutes since Palmer told him about the situation in the first place, and chances are that anyone who can tell him anything might just be asleep at this hour. Carl explains this to Palmer, who is unsatisfied with this "excuse." "I need you to find out the source of this story," says Senator Huxtable. "Not first thing in the morning. Now!" Then he hangs up before Carl The Heavy can reason with him. Mrs. Huxtable enters and whines yet again about wanting to know about what's going on. Senator Huxtable explains that he needed to get away for a while. Mrs. Huxtable realizes that he doesn't know about the assassination attempt, and tries to explain the gravity of the situation. "Is that what all the fuss is about?" says Palmer when told about the assassination attempt. "I thought it was something serious." He exits.

Back at CTU, Soul Patch is looking like a professional for a change -- obviously just a cover for the fact that he called Xander Berkeley a few minutes ago. He gets up from his computer when Kiefer walks by and shows him some intriguing information about the downed flight. Apparently, even though the ticketing file indicated that first class was full, the passenger manifest indicated that there was an empty seat, despite the existence of a waiting list. Yeah, I'm sure there was an empty seat as soon as EuroMartin vacated his to sit on Mandy's face. Kiefer tells him to get someone named Rayburn into the office, and then walks over to yet another highly designed section of the CTU offices that we've never seen before, where Nina and Jalapeno are sitting at a computer terminal behind a 1960s Italian-made aluminum-mesh wall divider. Forget what I said last week about the information being retrieved from the key card. It hasn't been retrieved yet. Yes, I'm confused too. But now they have been able to retrieve some information off the key card. It's just an address. They cross-check the address with Palmer's schedule for the coming day, but don't find anything. Kiefer orders Jalapeno -- whose hair is now back in a ponytail, making her bangs a thing onto themselves -- to cross-check the address against Palmer's staff's schedule for the coming day, but for some reason that will take hours. He has a strange eye-contact moment with Soul Patch from across the room as Soul Patch is sipping coffee from a Chicago Cubs cup, and Kiefer decides to leave the office yet again and go check out the address himself.

Before he does, though, Jalapeno's computer hits a communications snag. The phones are down too. "It's a lockdown!" says Nina as the office extras give each other looks of confusion. Xander Berkeley enters the building with a staff of minions in navy suits. "It's Mason!" says Kiefer to Nina. "Hide the key card!" Jalapeno takes the key card out of the key card drive and hides it -- probably behind her bangs. Mason approaches Nina and explains that they're under lockdown while the men he brought from internal investigations can, well, internally investigate, I guess. What an organized government agency! At 2:59 AM, a disgruntled employee with an attitude problem drops a dime and eight minutes later, a fleet of CIA agents have got their asses out of bed, showered, shaved, thrown on their freshly pressed suits, and locked the place down. If only I could get a late-night pizza delivery that fast. "We're trying to stop an assassination, George," says Nina. "Can't you find anything better to do than this?" Mason explains that since two agents died that night, they have to shut down the office until they investigate fully. "Where's [Kiefer]?" asks Mason, exchanging a knowing glance with Soul Patch. Nina claims not to know, but the right side of the split screen reveals that Kiefer is escaping the building through a side door. Kiefer is prevented from leaving by an II suit who is stationed there, and claims he has to get some work from his car. The suit isn't buying this, so Kiefer has to punch him out and make a break for it. The time is 03:09:12 AM.

The time is 3:13:14. Clockwise from the top left, Spawn is riding in the Purple Van, having momentarily calmed down. Mason is walking around CTU establishing order, and Kiefer is making a getaway in the Kiefmobile. At CTU, Mason is briefing the entire staff on the lockdown and how no one can leave the building or have access to sensitive intelligence. All the extras in the office stand around with their arms crossed as if they're at an office birthday party for an employee they don't like that much. It's like everyone is thinking, "How long after I finish my piece of cake can I go back to my desk and check my horoscope online?" Nina surreptitiously crosses over to where Soul Patch is standing and accuses him of calling Mason. "Somebody had to," says Soul Patch. "Kiefer's out of kontrol." Then they have a little fight over whether Kiefer had anything to do with the two dead agents, and whether Soul Patch's call had anything to do with the Nina-Kiefer-Soul Patch love triangle. An agent walks over to Mason and tells him that Kiefer has left the building. Mason asks Nina where Kiefer is. Nina plays dumb.

At 3:17:35, Palmer finally decides to give his Secret Service detail the time of day. They enter his office, tell him about the assassination attempt, and explain that this one is different. "I get serious threats every morning with my orange juice," says Palmer. Secret Service Guy tells Palmer about the overseas marksman and the exploded plane. "These are serious people who want you dead today," says Secret Service Guy. Palmer takes this in but refuses to change his schedule, as it's the day of an important primary. Theo Huxtable enters and asks Palmer about the threat. Palmer assures his son that the Secret Service is taking good care of him. "They better," says Theo. "Or I'll kill them just like I did that guy who raped my sister." Actually, he didn't say that last part. I'm just trying to nudge the plot along.

At 3:19:10, the Purple Van is careening along the streets of L.A.; inside, Spawn of Kiefer is still whining about Princess Roadkill and trying to cause divisiveness between the Evil Frat Boys. Rick seems to be taking Spawn's side when all of sudden EFB2 makes a sudden U-turn. "You know, she may be right after all," says EFB2. "If she's alive, she can ID us." Realizing that they're going to kill her friend, Spawn whines even louder. Rick ties her up and puts some duct tape over her mouth. You know I'd just like to say that using force to silence a dissenting opinion from a woman is misogynist, un-American, and never something to laugh at or derive sadistic pleasure fromunless it's Spawn of Kiefer trying to save PMMS's life.

Meanwhile, Bride of Kiefer and Mr. York are driving fast and furiously to the North Hollywood Auto Body shop, where the girls said they'd be. A cop notices Mr. York's lead foot and pulls them over. Before Mr. York can hand over his license and registration -- an important detail, mind you, since we're not even sure he's PMMS's father -- he pulls a Zsa Zsa Gabor and is placed under arrest. Like, is anyone still stupid enough to talk back to a member of the LAPD in these post-Rodney King times? Ironically, while he's being cuffed, The Purple Van Of Teen Impertinence drives right by. Neither GaggedSpawn nor BOK realizes how close they are to each other. The time is 3:23:50.