Previously on 24...Senator David Palmer is the target of an assassination attempt. And his son might be in a heap of trouble. Kiefer -- I mean, "Jack Bauer" gets a police officer shot, but the shooter knows information about the whereabouts of Spawn. Meanwhile Spawn, I mean, "Kim Bauer" has been kidnapped, but manages to get a call to her mom's cell phone before the delicious footage of PMMS being hit by the car is played yet again. Ira Gaines has Spawn now -- she's even got duct tape over her mouth. He makes that threat about "the mall" again. Bride of Kiefer, I mean, "Teri Bauer" has really bad hair. She finds out from the Bostonian homeless woman that one of the girls has been hit by a car. Kiefer narrates about the show being in real time and how this episode takes place between 4:00 AM and 5:00 AM.
In a suspiciously opulent-looking hospital O.R., whose deep moss green tiles and ultraviolet light fixtures are more fitting for a northern California spa than an inner city public hospital, PMMS's X-ray is splashed across the light box and you see all these broken bones and they all spell out "the pain the pain please kill me and end my suffering and shame." All these doctors and nurses are huddled around the X-ray like it's Paris and Diana of Wales was just brought in from that car crash. Oh, and there is one operating table in this room and there are, like, fourteen attending doctors and nurses completely in the zone, trying to save PMMS's life -- you know, the way it always is in inner city public hospitals. And that "blip blip" sound is really loud. Okay, I just have to ask at this point -- what kind of a name is Vicellous Shannon? This actor or actress's name just splashed across the screen as an acting credit, and I can't even look up this name on IMDB; I'm scared at what I might find. What kind of parent names their kid "Vicellous"? Or is this a chosen stage name? I don't even want to know. ["I think that's the kid from The Hurricane." -- Sars] PMMS is wheeled into the O.R., and everyone pitches in to transfer her roofied-out, beaten, nodding self onto the operating table. Someone slips an anesthetic gas mask over her face and dude, her make-up is still together. What is her secret? I hear that putting powder on your lips before applying lipstick will hold your make-up longer, but I had no idea the extent we were talking about here. Her hair has been tied back and tucked under a hospital green plastic cap. This must be what it's like when Liz Taylor gets a face lift.
The time is 4:02:58. The Kiefmobile is in hot pursuit of the police caravan that is bringing Shooter of Officer Macy Gray back to the precinct. Who the heck is Megalyn Echikunwoke? These credits are hysterical. The Kiefmobile tailgates the patrol car with SoOMG in the back. SoOMG looks back at Kiefer. Kiefer looks at SoOMG. They want each other.
Bride of Kiefer bursts into the emergency room waiting room of the Frederic Fekkai City Hospital -- complete with perpetual crying baby on the soundtrack -- demanding to see her daughter. Mr. York demands to see his daughter. A very very harried nurse tells them about a Jane Doe brought in. They so non-believably manage to evade security and run down some corridors and find the very O.R. where PMMS is receiving her seaweed wrap. Mr. York recognizes his daughter, registers her living status, and develops an ambiguous facial expression. But then he remembers his manners and tells Bride that he's sure Spawn'll turn up. Bride's cell phone rings. It's Kiefer in the Kiefmobile. They finally touch base. Bride tells Kiefer about Spawn calling and being in trouble and Janet being at death's door. She wants Kiefer to come to the hospital and be with her. Kiefer is all, "I'm trying to find Spawn." Bride is all, "What do you mean you're trying to find Spawn? I've been trying to find Spawn all evening!" Kiefer is all, "You are going to have to trust me." He gets off the phone and stares at SoOMG through the back of the cop car some more. Bride watches PMMS struggle for her life.
Back at the parking lot where the Evil Frat Boys handed Spawn over to Gaines during the last episode, Gaines makes a cell call. After he hangs up, he announces there's been a change of plans and instructs the boys to drive to the compound to collect payment. Gaines gets into his Lexus, and Rick suggests to Evil Frat Boy #2 that they disappear before they become caught in their lie about PMMS's non-death. EFB2 is all, "No way, we got twenty Gs coming!" Oh and Rick "owes" EFB2, so he's got no choice but to split after they get the "twenty Gs." Like, it's so quaint that they're not saying "Benjamins" and using the dated expression "G." Like they're probably going to smoke some "mary jane" while "cruising" over to the compound in their "wheels" as well. Rick reluctantly gets into The Purple Van Of Teen Impertinence and drives off, but not without exchanging an intense round of eye contact with GaggedSpawn from the back of Gaines's Lexus.
The time is 4:07:01 AM at Palmer Headquarters. Palmer and Patty, Palmer's perky assistant, are up working on whatever it is you normally "work on" the night before a presidential state primary. Palmer tells her to get some sleep. Palmer's daughter Nicole enters, shaking a can of whipped cream and asking her dad if he wants to do some nitrous hits with her in the kitchenette. No, wait, she's going to put the whipped cream on some "mochas." Oh, and this actress playing Nicole? So bad. She keeps tilting her head from side to side in this annoying way and putting emphasis on the wrong syllables. "I couldn't SLEEP. Polls o-PEN in three HOURS." Patty refuses the offer of a "mocha," and Nicole exits the room, presumably to make said mochas. Palmer tells Patty again more emphatically to go to "bed." Patty sort of checks out his package and decides to obey his order. With Nicole and Patty out of the room, Mrs. Palmer asks Palmer if he's going to tell Nicole about Keith killing her rapist. Palmer says he's going to. He doesn't want her to hear about it on the news before she's prepared. Mrs. Palmer doesn't want Palmer to tell Nicole, because she's been "so happy." The "mochas" are ready. Nicole gives Palmer a pep talk about how statistically it looks like they're going to win California and how excited she is to be the daughter of the "presi-DENT of the United STATES." She sprays whipped cream on their coffee drinks and reminisces about childhood friends. Palmer decides not to tell her anything. No one cares.
At 4:09:31 AM, Nina is talking to Kiefer on her cell phone as she paces the marble halls of CTU. She exposits about how the lockdown was ended as soon as Mason figured out where Kiefer was. "Watch out," says Nina. "Mason's gonna come after you!" Kiefer asks her to call one of their police contacts to get an "override" that will enable Kiefer to interrogate SoOMG before the police do. Nina tries to get Ryan's number on the computer system, but she's still locked down. Time for her to coochie over the Soul Patch's desk to get information off his terminal and have some post-lockdown sexually charged konfrontation. Soul Patch has the temerity to ask if she's "still mad." Nina's all, "Kiefer's never gonna trust you again." Soul Patch launches into his own personalized refrain of "what does Kiefer have that I don't?" and defends his distrust of Kiefer by reminding her of the lies he's been telling. Nina crosses her arms over her bosom and gets all businesslike on his ass. He gets her the number of the police contact guy. She thanks him crisply and stomps off.
Back at the police precinct, Kiefer assertively tries to convince the police chief on duty to let him question SoOMG, promising him that the police contact guy will be calling and the chief can hold onto Kiefer's gun and badge in the meantime. The police chief says no and puts his foot down until Kiefer gives him a song and dance about how Officer Macy Gray was helping him in a "federal investigation," and that he wouldn't want her death to be "in vain." The trademark Sutherland velvety bedroom whisper cuts through the police chief's professional resistance. He backs down and decides to give Kiefer a few minutes with SoOMG. He leads Kiefer to a holding cell and draws a key card out of his wallet. Before he can use it to gain access to SoOMG's cell, Xander Berkeley enters with a "hold it right there!" He leads Kiefer away. The time is 4:12:27 AM.
The time is 4:16:27 AM. Klockwise from the top left, PMMS fights for her life with the help of a skillfully administered wheatgrass colonic, the evil frat boys drive to the compound, Palmer and Spawn of Palmer share a "mocha," and Spawn of Kiefer lies in the back seat of Gaines's Lexus. Inside The Purple Van Of Teen Impertinence, the evil frat boys have a seriously deluded conversation about killing Gaines and saving Spawn of Kiefer's life so Rick can "get some." Evil Frat Boy #2 is sure that Gaines will kill Spawn, if he hasn't already: "She's seen his face." Rick is disturbed by this reasonable theory, but Evil Frat Boy #2 urges him to forget his humanity and focus on a future of tax-free cash, alternative music, and mind-numbing smack.
Mason and Kiefer enter an empty office in the police station and hash it out. Mason tells Kiefer that he's treating him as a prime suspect until he explains what he was doing at the site of Walsh's death. Kiefer explains that he's doing what he has to in order to find the mole. Mason preaches the value of "following orders." Kiefer explains the importance of the suspect being held by the police, and how the information on the key card that Walsh and Deep Throat Junior were killed over led him to SoOMG. Mason backs down, but insists on questioning SoOMG himself. Kiefer is pissed, but Mason reminds him that he could put him in cuffs. I'm surprised that Mason trusts Kiefer enough to be alone in a room with him unfrisked.
Gaines stops at an intersection and talks on his cell phone about someone being "done" in fifteen minutes. Could that someone be Evil Frat Boy #2? Oops! While lost in his one-sided conversation, a truck pulls up beside them. GaggedSpawn tries flailing her legs around to get the driver's attention. When that doesn't work, she bangs on the car window with her slides, which are still on her feet despite everything that has happened tonight. I guess she's using the same epoxy on her feet that PMMS uses on her face. When Gaines hears the banging, he puts a gun to her head and tells her to cut it out. Thankfully, he doesn't give the mall speech again. He drives her to a parking lot and transfers her gagged self into the trunk to prevent any further difficulties.
Hey, let's really spice up the plotline with yet another look inside the super-exciting Palmer campaign headquarters. Palmer calls Reporter Maureen and asks to meet with her to discuss the story about Theo. Maureen is asleep, but one gets the feeling that she's been drowsy in the presence of Palmer before, if you catch my drift. She promises to meet him in ten minutes in the third floor conference room. For some reason she's a guest in this hotel too. After they get off the phone, Palmer stares off into the distance through the diaphanous-curtain-draped glass walls really hard like he's either going to kill Reporter Maureen or have sex with her again. But don't worry -- that won't happen; after all, this is the Palmer plotline.
Back at the hospital, a male African-American police officer asks Bride of Kiefer and AllegedYork some questions about their daughters and where Spawn might be. Bride reaches into her chocolate brown Coach purse to get a contact number for the owner of Bad Teen Convertibles, because for some reason she thinks this will help the police shed some light on Evil Frat Boy #2 and his intentions, like, there'd better be a damn good justification coming for these multiple mentions of the owner of Bad Teen Convertibles, because I am getting sick of hearing about him. As she digs through her purse, her cell rings. It's Kiefer from the empty police station office. He tells her that he's about to talk to someone who may have information about the whereabouts of Spawn. "One of the police officers?" asks Bride. "I don't know," says Kiefer. "A man." And like every other cell phone conversation between Bride and Kiefer, it ends before either party gets any vital information from each other and with an empty promise from Kiefer to "call soon." Mason enters; he doesn't look happy. Apparently, SoOMG will only talk to Kiefer. Does Mason give the refrain about what Kiefer "has"? He doesn't have to. Reluctantly, Mason allows Kiefer to kwestion SoOMG himself.
Kiefer enters the "interrogation room" and sits down across from SoOMG at a Modotti Table ($850) on a Emeco Naval Side Chair ($270 -- both available at DWR.com). A rather hi-tech-looking halogen light fixture shines brightly from above -- you know, for that whole "third-degree" thing that's going to happen? Mason and a bunch of other police people stand on the other side of the one-way mirror and listen in. In a very krafty move, Kiefer leans in and whispers something to SoOMG. Whatever Kiefer says, SoOMG reacts to this violently and starts fighting with Kiefer and demanding his constitutionally ordained phone call. Kiefer pins him against the wall and puts something into his mouth. Incidentally, as I'm recapping this scene and leaving shots of Kiefer and SoOMG's sweaty embraces up on freeze frame, my boyfriend keeps walking past my computer, wanting to know what the hell I'm watching. Soon, lots of policemen file in to restrain SoOMG. "Great job," says Mason sarcastically. The interrogation is a failure, thanks to the rule-breaking antics of the Kiefer. Or is it? Kiefer runs to a private room and waits.
SoOMG goes to a pay phone and takes a slip of paper out of his mouth. He dials the number written on it. It's Kiefer's cell phone. Kiefer slipped it to him so they could talk privately. "What do you know about my daughter?" says Kiefer in an urgent bedroom voice. SoOMG claims to have heard some guys he "works with" talking about Spawn, but he doesn't want to talk about it until he's out of police custody. Cue the frantic mandolins. Apparently, SoOMG's boss is going to call him at a pay phone near the seedy warehouse. SoOMG needs to be there to take the call or the caller will know something's up. Kiefer's not sure if he can spring SoOMG. "I'm the one chance you have to find your daughter," says SoOMG. "Better think of something fast." They hang up. Obviously thinking about "something fast," Kiefer calls Nina and has her put a trace on the pay phone. I guess no one wanted to pay Jalapeno's salary this week, because Nina is now doing some fancy computer hacking to locate the pay phone in question…without a warrant. She finds the pay phone, but cautions Kiefer that SoOMG's boss will hang up if he hears anyone but SoOMG. Kiefer is all, "They will be hearing SoOMG's voice!" The time is 4:25:31 AM.
The time is 4:29:32 AM. Klockwise from top left, Nina is hacking, Gaines is driving, Palmer is musing, and Kiefer is kruising down the hallway. Kiefer passes an open office and overhears Mason trying to smooth things over between the police and the CIA. He keeps walking and passes a hunky Latin cop, who he recognizes as the guy who first questioned SoOMG. Hmmm. Maybe Kiefer will slip a phone number into this guy's mouth too. Hell, I'll do it. Kiefer asks Officer Humpy if he can speak to SoOMG some more. Officer Humpy says that Officer Macy Gray was his partner, and that he wants SoOMG to be a "clean bust" so he doesn't get sprung on a technicality. In other words, no more kwestioning from Kiefer. But they cut a deal. Officer Humpy agrees to look the other way should Kiefer follow him into SoOMG's holding cell. Which he does. Again, the million-dollar question is asked in the trademark Sutherland velvety bedroom whisper: "Who are you working for?" SoOMG isn't willing to talk without a (wink wink) lawyer present. They fight again. Officer Humpy tries to break it up, but Kiefer distracts him by casting aspersions on Officer Humpy's absence during OMG's death. Now all three of them are rolling around on the cell floor. Guys? My birthday's not until January, okay? In the confusion, Kiefer is able to steal Officer Humpy's key card and hand it over to SoOMG before more police officers come in to tell the guys to just get a room already. Kiefer exits, adjusts his slate-colored rayon shirt, and gets a lecture from the police chief about self-control. SoOMG waits until everyone calms down, then he lets himself out of the cell with the key card.
Back at the hospital, Bride lies sleeping on the pentagon-shaped waiting room couch…but carefully, so she doesn't muss her perfectly wretched haircut. AllegedYork enters with vending machine coffee. Either he's suffering from allergies, he's aggrieved at the loss of his honest-to-goodness daughter, or he's taking major acting lessons, because there are tears in AllegedYork's eyes. He tells Bride that PMMS is "going to be okay." Bride is all, "Of course she will." Then AllegedYork gets in a subtle dig about Kiefer's absence from Bride's side during her hour of need.
Palmer goes down to meet Reporter Maureen with his Secret Service people in tow. Maureen is one of those office babes with great hair. She's like an African-American version of CNBC anchor Maria Bartiromo, and she looks really boss in a charcoal-gray business suit that's only slightly reminiscent of the costumes from Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation tour; she has a slightly harried look on her face that only adds to her appeal. Palmer objects as the Secret Service men frisk her, but Reporter Maureen allows it. Finally they are alone, and Palmer goes over their long "history" together. Gee, did these two have an affair? Nah. The clues are too subtle. Palmer wants to know why Reporter Maureen is giving legitimacy to "rumors" started by his "enemies." Reporter Maureen mentions non-shoe-designer George Ferragamo's testimony and reveals a new source of information. The rapist's autopsy report noted some evidence of struggle -- cuts and scratches initially explained away as being from the rape itself. But an hour later, an African-American teenager entered an emergency room one block away with "similar injuries." Maureen had the paperwork analyzed, and the handwriting matched Theo Huxtable's. "I don't give a damn about your experts," says Palmer. "My son never killed anybody!" He promises "consequences" and stomps out. The time is 4:36:56 AM.
Ah, an ad for Kate and Leopold. Where to begin? You know, I'm so glad a movie is finally addressing the problems facing today's society. Women are miserable these days and their lives suck. Oh sure, men and women are all living longer, and there are appliances that make household chores less time-consuming so women can get out of the house and have careers, but let's face it: it's an empty empty existence, because men don't stand up when the owner of a vagina leaves the table. Back in the 1800s, though, men were really really nice. They wore fancy suits, smelled like lavender twenty-four hours a day, and had super-cool names like Tristan and Leopold. Yeah, some historians would have you believe that a gentleman in his thirties back then wouldn't give the time of day to a woman past her childbearing years (i.e. anyone over twenty-one) because of the importance of producing heirs, but that's just sexist bullshit fostered by male academics. Men back in the 1800s remembered birthdays and anniversaries, and because there was no TV back then, they didn't zone out watching ESPN all day. Victorian England was a feminist utopia. God, I wish someone would invent a time machine or something. I don't think I can handle another day without being picked up on horseback.
The time is 4:40:52 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Rick and EFB2 drive, Nina makes phone calls, and Theo Huxtable sleeps. Palmer enters Theo's room, wakes him up, and confronts him about the death of Nicole's rapist. No one cares, but in case someone actually starts to care for some reason, Theo acts indignant, yet doesn't exactly deny killing the rapist. Yes, folks, they're going to drag this out even farther. Oh yeah, and guess what? The Palmers aren't perfect. Apparently, Dad wasn't always around because of his political career. Shocking!
At 4:43:38, Mason is still talking to the police chief, and finally convinces him to handle the recent mishaps "internally." Officer Humpy enters to start the system processing for SoOMG. Police chief is all, "I thought you left." He pulls up Officer Humpy's timesheet on the computer -- it comes right up at the touch of a button, no crashing or anything -- and determines that he "checked out" five minutes ago. Officer Humpy realizes that his key card is missing.
Back at the hospital, Bride recounts for York how, earlier that afternoon, she got a second notice from Spawn's high school notifying her that Spawn was flunking algebra. Apparently, Spawn had hidden the first notice. So they fought, and Bride remembers thinking -- get this -- that she'd actually be glad when Spawn moved out of the house. Wow, what mother of a teenager has ever had that thought cross her mind? York comforts her by reminding her that when PMMS wakes up, she'll know where to find Spawn. Bride is unconvinced, and beats herself up for not waiting at Bad Teen Convertibles. York promises to stay by her side. Gee, are these two going to fool around?
Mason and the police department get access to a satellite hookup that will track Kiefer and SoOMG's whereabouts. Yet another thing that technology only does effectively in the movies or on TV. On a laptop, Mason determines that Kiefer and SoOMG are in the Kiefmobile, headed for the aforementioned pay phone. Cut to Kiefer and SoOMG, who are, as predicted, heading towards the pay phone. Kiefer asks who these guys are that SoOMG works for. SoOMG claims not to know. "They tell me what to do. I do it. They pay me. That's it." Can I just interject here and say that this is one flimsy terrorist operation? There's no honor code or anything. What kind of loyalty can Gaines expect from a mere paycheck? And who is making these personnel decisions? I mean, sure, maybe during the job interview, SoOMG was all, "No, I've always wanted to be a terrorist, I majored in it in college! And I'm a people person!" but now he's got a serious attitude problem. The second the threat of a stint in an elegantly furnished prison becomes imminent, the guy spills his guts to Kiefer. I mean, Osama Bin Laden's men are willing to be human bombs. This guy couldn't last ten minutes without Kiehl's products. This totally illustrates rule number one for recruiting terrorist cells: only hold onto the résumés of poverty-stricken religious freaks. Clearly, Gaines hasn't done his homework.
But I digress. The pay phone rings. Or at least the men hear it ring. Nina tells Kiefer via cell phone that she's not seeing the call go through. D'oh! The payphone isn't ringing. It's another cell phone taped to the bottom that's ringing! Like someone wouldn't have swiped it already to make free long-distance calls. Anyway, Nina can't trace the call in time. Gaines is on the other end. He tells SoOMG about a set of keys taped to the back of the pay phone. It will give him access to a parked car. "There's a body in the trunk," says Gaines. "Get rid of it!" "Whose body is in the trunk?" cries Kiefer as the men run off into the night. The time is 4:48:19 AM.
The time is 4:53:58. Klockwise from the top left, Nina does some work, Kiefer and SoOMG run, Kiefer and SoOMG run as seen from a different angle, and Bride and AllegedYork wait for PMMS to get out of her coma so someone can smother her with a pillow already. Kiefer and SoOMG find the car. Kiefer has SoOMG kneel down with his hands up. Kiefer opens the trunk and finds a dead nude male body. And I may be wrong here, but it looks like it's missing a thumb. Mason's men pull up and put SoOMG in custody again. Mason is about to take Kiefer in for questioning until Kiefer shows him the dead body. For some reason, this brings about a ceasefire between Mason and Kiefer. They agree to trust each other from now on for Palmer's sake. Damn, that's gonna suck. Kiefer goes off to ID the new dead body. Mason goes off to interrogate SoOMG some more. Kiefer calls Bride from the Kiefmobile and has yet another vague information-free conversation with her -- although Bride tells Kiefer that PMMS will be out of surgery soon. Kiefer promises to be at her side in twenty minutes. "I know it sounds cold," says Kiefer. "But PMMS is our only link to Spawn." They hang up. Alleged York stares at Bride through a glass wall really hard.
At the compound, an outdoor area with lots of trees and a barbed-wire fence, the evil frat boys give each other a high-five and focus on being "cool." Yes, the kids still love the Fonz, don't they? Gaines pulls up in the Lexus and pops the trunk. GaggedSpawn sticks her head out and gasps for air. This inspires Rick to feel concern. Gaines asks once more about "the other girl." Evil Frat Boy #2 breaks into a sweat and swears once more that they killed her and hid the body. Gaines tells them that he just received word from a source that a girl who looks like PMMS was just admitted to the St. Mark's emergency room. EFB2 loses it and admits that maybe PMMS wasn't exactly dead. Gaines explains the concept of "exact death" to EFB2 by taking out a gun and shooting him in the head. "You've just been promoted," says Gaines to Rick. "Congratulations." What? No new job title? No orientation? No job description? No discussion of benefits or salary increase? I've said it before and I'll say it again -- the infrastructure of this terrorist organization hasn't been planned well. No wonder they have to keep hiring these lame freelancers. Rick and Spawn gasp at EFB2's dead body as Gaines walks coldly away.
Klockwise from the top left, Soul Patch broods, Kiefer drives, Palmer frets, and Nina hacks. Oh, and we're back at the hospital, where PMMS is flat-lining. But don't worry, because the scenes from week show her about to be smothered, so you know she's gonna live at least until then. The time is 4:59:57…4:59:58…4:59:59…5:00:00 AM.