Opening sequence. This show has been brought to you today by the numbers 2 and 4. And when are they going to release those blips as a single like the theme from Dawson's Creek? They do the "previously on 24" thing, but this time they do it a little differently by printing the characters' names their images as they show a little of what's going on in their story arc. I guess they want to remind the viewers that Jack Bauer is the name of the lead character, not "Kiefer." Nice try. He's Kiefer, and I will never call him anything else. So anyway, Bride of Kiefer…I mean, Teri Bauer…is trying to find her daughter with Mr. York. Meanwhile, Spawn of Kiefer…I mean, Kim Bauer…is trying to get herself away from the evil frat boys by convincing them that her father is a government agent, while her friend PMMS gets hit with a crowbar while fucked up on roofies. Is it wrong to find that funny every time I see it? Senator David Palmer has a shot at the White House, but someone's gonna take a shot at him. Mandy (no last name given) blows up the plane and hides the I.D. she stole from the photographer on board. Kiefer…I mean, Jack Bauer…gets shot at, cuts off a sniper's thumb, loses his boss, and finds out from Jalapeno Spice that Nina is the "dirty agent." The following takes place between 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM on the day of the California Presidential Primary. (Dissolve.) Events occur in real time. (Dissolve.)
Kiefer drives around while the "Tubular Bells"-ish soundtrack plays. He parks the car in a seedy neighborhood, unwraps the thumb -- ew, I forgot about the thumb -- calls a DNA/fingerprinting lab, gives an authorization code, scans the thumb on the Kiefmobile Kar Scanner, and sends the info via satellite to the lab. How do we know the info is sent via satellite? 'Cause they actually show a satellite in space presumably receiving the information. No, I didn't just make that up. Lab Guy confirms receipt of the print scan, and Kiefer tells him to get back to him when he has a match. The Kiefer Kar Phone rings. It's Bride of Kiefer, telling him that she heard from Spawn and that she's at a party. Kiefer breathes a sigh of relief, until Bride informs him that Spawn didn't tell her where the party is. Bride of Kiefer has reservations too. "She told me that she loved me," says Bride. "That's not [Spawn]!" Yeah, but if she'd told you that your haircut is awesome, that would really mean the shit had hit the fan. Kiefer theorizes that Spawn is simply trying to "reduce the sentence" of her punishment for sneaking out. Bride concurs, and tells Kiefer that Mr. York is about to drive her home. Kiefer wants her to stay near their car, and asks her to put Mr. York on the phone to ask him to stay with her. Mr. York is reluctant to stick around Bad Teen Convertibles for what could be a couple of episodes…I mean, "hours"…but Kiefer insists.
Okay, so I have to apologize here. Last week I misidentified Ira Gaines and TerroristGuy and assumed they were the same person. They aren't. The blond guy who greeted Mandy at the door asking for Belkin's ID was a different person than the blond guy who walked in on Mandy in the bathroom. From now on, Ira Gaines, the guy who greeted Mandy, will be known as TerroristGuy, and the bathroom guy who had plastic surgery to look like the photographer is hereby known as FauxMartin. At 02:05:12, Mandy, TerroristGuy, and MotorcycleChick are having an emergency TerroristStaff meeting while FauxMartin guards the door. TerroristGuy is mad because of MotorcycleChick's last-minute price change. He blames Mandy because it was her idea to bring MotorcycleChick -- who he refers to as "an amateur" -- aboard. MotorcycleChick takes issue with being called an amateur. Ira slams his briefcase really loudly. Mandy is all, "Ira, don't turn this into something else, I will fix it!" She then proceeds to slap MotorcycleChick. Okay, violence in the workplace? So unprofessional! And it makes the company totally vulnerable to a lawsuit. Ira's cell phone rings. He answers it, and tells the unnamed and unseen party on the other end of the line that he doesn't have the I.D. yet but should be able to get the whole thing straightened out momentarily. "Talk to her," says Ira to Mandy, referring to MotorcycleChick. "Tell her what I do!" He exits, slamming the door. Mandy and MotorcycleChick stare at each other really really hard. Someone needs to take a seminar on how to run a successful meeting, because I am seeing a serious lack of communication skills in this organization. I mean, at least when Sars and Wing Chun bitch-slapped me at the last MBTV conference, they apologized later. FauxMartin is cleaning his gun in another room. Ira enters. "I need to get out of here, my friend," says FauxMartin. "It'll just be a little longer," says Ira. FauxMartin cleans his gun some more.
At Palmer's headquarters, Mrs. Cosby clutches a cup of decaf and tells the Secret Service men who have taken over her hotel room that her husband has been getting death threats ever since he entered politics. "What is different about this one?" she asks. Secret Service Guy claims ignorance, but explains to her that his unit is only called in when there's a serious threat. Meanwhile, Theo Huxtable is jonesing to leave the hotel so he can hit an all-night coffee shop. The secret police refuse to allow him out of the building. ""We treat a threat on a candidate's life as a threat on [sic] his entire family," says Secret Service Guy. Mrs. Cosby takes Theo's car keys out of his hands. Theo seems really frustrated by this.
At 2:08:03, The Purple Van Of Teen Impertinence arrives at an airport. Evil Frat Boy is on the phone with Gaines, assuring him that he's got "the Bauer girl" and that everything is "copa." Gaines informs Evil Frat Boy that there's a delay and that everyone has to sit tight for a little while. Meanwhile, Poor Man's Mena Suvari is in a lot of pain from that whole crowbar-to-the-arm thing. Rick is concerned, but Evil Frat Boy doesn't want to a) take her to the hospital or b) share their "stash" with PMMS. At first it seems like he's talking about medical marijuana, since they're smoking pot while waiting for Gaines, but when Spawn taunts Rick about his subservient position to Evil Frat Boy #2, he gives in and prepares to shoot PMMS up with heroin. "Don't press me, man," says Rick to EFB2 when he tries to stop him. "I never should have used you," says EFB2. Meanwhile, Spawn is astounded that Rick is giving PMMS heroin. "Do you want me to do something about the pain or not?" says Rick, injecting the smack into PMMS's swollen arm while making sexy eyes at Spawn. You see, I don't know if you're picking up on the symbolism here, but a needle going into an arm can be a metaphor for intercourse. Just saying. It's 2:10:14 AM.
At 2:14:53 AM, Kiefer is driving the Kiefmobile, Spawn is holding her roofie-/smack-laden sidekick, and Palmer is driving somewhere. Judging by the flickering neon lights, Palmer is driving around in a seedy neighborhood, where he enters a parking garage and parks his SUV. Now, as I've explained before, parking garages are always where bad things happen, and this garage is no exception. You see, a couple of teenagers are wilding inside -- bashing cars with baseball bats. One is black and one is white. Ah yes, integrated wilding gangs. How progressive. Palmer parks the car and emerges from his SUV. The black member of the Rainbow Coalition wilding crew, who has cornrows just like Leroy from Fame, tries to get money out of Palmer in exchange for leaving his car alone. This leads to a philosophical discussion about personal responsibility and citizenship, and I'd go into it more but I was too busy humming "Ebony and Ivory" to myself. I take it that the purpose of this scene was to either a) establish Palmer as a straight-talking bad-ass who can talk to the kids of today; b) establish Palmer as a man with a violent past; or c) introduce Black Wilding Boy as a new character. The boys skedaddle, nevertheless, but not without shattering Palmer's rear windshield and shouting "woo hoo" a lot.
Back at CTU, Kiefer enters and hides behind one of the room dividers. He whips out his cell and calls Nina, tells her that he's a block away, and orders her to deliver a print-out of the downed jet's passenger list to his desk and wait there so he can talk to her privately. Once she grabs the passenger list and exits, he sneaks over to Jalapeno Spice's desk. Okay, have you ever seen Diana Ross in concert? Apparently she changes her outfit, like, forty-seven thousand times. Jalapeno Spice is the Diana Ross of CIA agents, because she's not only wearing a new outfit this episode…I mean, "hour"…but she's also got a brand-new pair of black Eames Management chairs behind her desk to sit on. He tells her about Walsh's death, and asks her to do more computer-y mojo on the key card and get all the Palmer files off of it to determine that it's really Nina who is the dirty agent. JS tells Kiefer that although she can determine Nina's connection to the key card, it will take several episodes…I mean, "hours"…to pull all the Palmer info off the keycard. Incidentally, this makes zero sense. How does it take that long to pull some Word files off a magnetically coded key card? That would be like going to the Gap and having to wait four hours for your Visa Card to be verified. It's a magnetic strip, not an Afghan cave. Kiefer explains that he needs the info by the time Palmer starts his day on the sixth episode…I mean, "at 6:00 AM."
Jalapeno Spice sneaks over to Nina's workstation to determine the card's origin while Kiefer goes upstairs to talk to Nina, who is watching him and Jalapeno from Kiefer's glass-walled office. On his way, he passes Soul Patch, who notices some cuts on Kiefer's wrist. Does Soul Patch mind his own beeswax and focus on the investigation? Or does he get in Kiefer's face? Do I even have to ask? Kiefer climbs the stairs to his office and, for some reason, wipes his bloody wrist on the aluminum railing as if it has healing powers or something. The screen splits, showing Kiefer and Nina's conversation on the left while Jalapeno snoops around on Nina's workstation on the right. Nina tells Kiefer that there was a passenger on the flight whose information was inconsistent. She also takes him to task for sneaking out of the office without letting her know where he was going. "How can I help you without you letting me?" says Nina with a sultry yet evil look. Kiefer starts to pick her brain about a possible dirty agent. Nina, trying not to look too busted, asks Kiefer to tell her what he knows. Kiefer swears he's only "thinking out loud." In order to buy more time for Jalapeno, Kiefer starts asking Nina about her affair with Soul Patch and whether it is the reason behind Soul Patch's attitude problem. Um, Kiefer? You run a government counter-terrorism agency, not a Celestial Seasonings factory. You don't need to get to the root of your employee's attitude problems. You need to fire said employee. Finally, Jalapeno Spice calls on the phone to tell Kief that Nina's computer stored the info on the keycard. Kief sends Nina off to do more passenger list stuff, and it's time for another costume change. More shirtless Kiefer. Yum. After his shirt of the hour is on, his phone rings. It's the print lab. The prints aren't matching anyone. Either the guy doesn't exist, or his identity has been wiped off the record. Not that it occurs to anyone that there might be a sniper out there who's simply never been fingerprinted. The time is 2:23:12.
At 2:27:42, Mandy is trying to convince MotorcycleChick to give up the ID card. MotorcycleChick, whose name turns out to be Brigit, says she only wants to make things better for her and Mandy, and that another million dollars can't mean that much to "these people." Mandy thinks she's going to get them both killed and that money is the "only thing that matters to these people." Oh, and guess what? They're lesbian lovers. So yeah, one of them will get killed if Vito Russo, the late author of The Celluloid Closet and creator of the "dead homo in film" theory, is to be believed. So after a make-out session, which surprisingly made it past the same network censors who make Willow and Tara braid each other's hair and bake bread together to show their love ["well, not exactly the same network censors -- it's Fox, home of World's Wildest Police Chases, after all" -- Sars], Mandy agrees to support MotorcycleChick's decision to milk the mystery terrorist venture capitalists for an extra million, and gets up to go tell Ira. MotorcycleChick utters a line that will insure her a speedy death: "You're always looking out for me." Mandy nods solemnly and exits, bursting into tears.
Back at The Purple Van Of Teen Impertinence, Evil Frat Boy #2 and Rick stand outside, arguing over Rick's decision to "allow" PMMS to have some heroin. Inside the van, Spawn wraps a delirious PMMS in a cardigan and mobilizes her to make a break for it. PMMS is completely out of it and doesn't remember her arm being broken just minutes ago. "We could die if we don't get out of here," says Spawn. These words apparently have the power to cut through the roofies and the heroin and make PMMS more lucid than I am after two cups of coffee and an hour of yoga. They run…like girls. The guys see them and run after them. A small plane almost collides with the girls, but they keep going.
Back at CTU, Jalapeno Spice enters Kiefer's office and asks if she should cut off Nina's confidential access, since she seems to be the mole. Kiefer is sure there might be another explanation for Nina's connection to the key card, and argues that the most important thing at this point is to get the information off of it. Jalapeno Spice -- who, in addition to spitting out her chewing gum and changing her hair, her makeup, her office furniture, and her outfit -- has also turned into this smooth-talking diplomat who politely reminds Kiefer that he used to sleep with Nina and shouldn't let that get in the way of CIA procedure. Of course the old Jalapeno Spice from the first episode would say something like, "Kiefah, you gotta stop thinking wit yo dick and slap that bitch upside the head, ah-ight?" but the new improved Jalapeno Spice is all, "Aren't we obligated to seal off her channels with this much evidence?" Kiefer admits to seeing Nina while he and BOK were separated, but claims not to have told her anything important. When pressed by JS, he seems to remember something and changes his mind, authorizing her to shut Nina down. JS assures Kiefer that she can do it in such a way that Nina won't notice. Oh, and by the way, Jalapeno Spice has a really cute body. Like, even I noticed.
At 02:32:31, the girls have escaped and are seeking refuge on the set of Buffy. You know those dark glistening back alleys that Buffy is always patrolling? That's where Spawn and PMMS are. They run some more. The boys chase them some more. The girls hide behind a dumpster and end up interrupting a dumpster blowjob between a yuppie and a hustler, who bring the episode's gay-sex-act count up to two. The yuppie flees and the hustler is all, "You just cost me fifty bucks! You are going to pay for this!" Okay, who is training these street hustlers in L.A.? Every street hustler with any experience whatsoever knows to collect the money before you service your client. Where is the professionalism among today's sex workers? I blame the pimps. It's their responsibility to train their employees adequately. How is our country supposed to win the war on terrorism with this kind of laissez faire attitude towards pay-for-play sex? It is precisely this lack of respect for customer service that is morally weakening our nation and making us vulnerable to terrorist attacks in the first place! I would also like to add in all seriousness that having known a couple of $200 gay escorts myself -- who I wouldn't even sleep with for free -- this hustler could charge way more than $50 for a blowjob. But who knows, maybe he gives really really bad head. Like, he could be one of those people who still thinks that you are literally supposed to blow on it. Anyway, when the evil frat boys run past, Po Ho covers for them and does the proverbial "they went that-a-way!" Evil Frat Boy #2's phone rings. It's Gaines, telling them they're meeting at a new location. Po Ho goes back to the girls and is all, "You need to pay up!" While they stand there helplessly, he rummages through their purses and takes their cash and jewelry. They run around the Buffy set some more. The time is 2:34:48 AM.
At 2:39:00 AM, BOK is checking the price on a nasty-looking couch at Bad Teen Convertibles, Kiefer is sitting at his desk having a dilemma, and the girls are still running around in the alleyways behind the Magick Shop. Palmer is sitting in his SUV, pounding his fist against the steering wheel. ("Hey Dennis? When we do this scene, could you do something to indicate that you've been waiting a long time?" "What if I pounded my fist against the steering wheel?" "Excellent, let's roll!") Finally, a short middle-aged man in a suit who looks like a Sicilian version of Udo Kier enters and approaches the car. "What couldn't wait until morning?" he says. Palmer tells him about the call he got from reporter Maureen Kingsley. Apparently his daughter Nicole was raped last year, and the guy who did it "fell" out of a window in an apparent suicide. The reporter has evidence that indicates that the death wasn't a suicide, but rather that it was Theo himself who threw him out the window. Sicilian Udo Kier, whose real name is Carl, suggests a couple of ways to "handle" it. Palmer doesn't want to "handle" it in some dirty political way, because the allegations are wrong to begin with and he shouldn't have to lower himself to that level. Carl the Heavy points out that there's no other way to handle the situation; the primary is that day and they have to act fast. "I'm on it," says Carl the Heavy, exiting just as the Secret Service detail arrives to collect Palmer. How did they know where he was? LoJack?
At 2:41:22, the girls are running past the Bronze. They hear the evil frat boys coming, so they hide. Hey, whaddya know? The place they try to hide inside of turns out to be Po Ho's squat. Oh, sure, it's a back alley but Po Ho has decorated it to a shabby-chic perfection. He even has framed photos by his bed. "Wanna score some dope?" says Po Ho. Po Ho? Just pick one illegal profession and stick to it already. It's always best to specialize. No wonder you're not a successful prostitute; you're not focusing properly. Spawn asks him to help them find a phone. Po Ho picks up a knife and gives this embarrassing speech about the irony of helping a couple of girls who are wearing five-hundred-dollar designer jeans while Po Ho has nothing. This monologue might be just a little more effective if Po Ho's skintight muscle shirt and rust-colored distressed leather jacket didn't look like they were purchased in the penthouse section of Barneys New York. But who knows? Maybe he got busy at a sample sale. Not to mention the fact that if I was a male prostitute and a dope dealer, I'd be able to afford a nicer apartment than the one I live in now. "Wanna trade places with me for a while?" says Po Ho with his knife to PMMS's face. "Wanna turn tricks while I snuggle with your daddy in the Hollywood foothills? Go away!" Spawn tells him that they've been kidnapped and PMMS's arm is broken. "Welcome to the neighborhood," says Po Ho bitterly. "Is there any way out besides the front door?" says PMMS, whose natural-looking makeup scheme looks quite fresh considering that she's just had drunken sex, done roofies, had her arm broken, done some smack, and run a few miles through a dirty maze of back alleys. Maybe she did a little touch-up during a commercial break using a pool of urine as a mirror. Po Ho shakes his blade at them some more and tells them to get out of his space. They run away.
Back at CTU, Nina is making a fresh pot of coffee, because after all she's got to stay focused if she wants to be sexually available to everyone in the office and do her job. Kiefer enters the coffee room, sneaks up behind her, and, using the patented Sutherland velvety bedroom whisper, asks Nina how long she's been "playing" him. Nina is all, "Playing you?" Kiefer throws her down onto a black Til-Behrens-designed office chair and whips out the key card, which, if memory serves, should probably be in the possession of Jalapeno Spice right now if she wants to retrieve the information on it by Episode Six…I mean, "6:00 AM." "Who are you working for?" he says. I was wondering when he was going to say that line, since it's been in all the promos for 24 since September. Nina is indignant that Kiefer would suspect her of being the mole agent.
Back at the TerrorShack, Ira Gaines transfers an extra million into Mandy's account using his laptop in one of those only-on-TV things that the internet can do. MotorcycleChick is ready to lead him to the ID. FauxMartin gets up to escort her, but MotorcycleChick says she only wants Mandy and Gaines there. "Why do I trust you?" says Ira. "Because you want the ID," says MotorcycleChick. Okay, if these terrorists can load confidential information onto a key card that can only be retrieved by the CIA in a time-consuming process that only one person employed by CTU can perform, why couldn't they just not pay Terrorista Mandy to blow up the plane, perform plastic surgery on one of their men, and simply create a fake ID already? Like, there better be a good explanation for the importance of this ID coming soon because I'm starting to think that I could just apply some Wite-Out to my birth certificate, go to the DMV, get a new driver's license, and kill Palmer myself for a mere $500,000. "I'm going to miss you, Mandy," says Gaines as she pats him down for hidden weapons.
Back in the Sunnydale slums, PMMS and SOK evade the evil frat boys some more, who incidentally are never more than ten feet from them, no matter how well they hide or how far they run away. They come upon a man with a car who, as some people in the forums have suggested, may be Po Ho's pimp, because he's talking on a cell phone to someone about a guy who "looks good" and is "going to be ready." He's also got that longish greasy hairstyle that white men only have when they're coke dealers, former members of The Eagles, or German clothing designer Helmut Lang. The girls approach him and beg him for a ride home. Spawn promises to pay him. Helmut Lang wants to see the cash. Spawn promises that her parents will pay him whatever he wants. "I run a cash-up-front business," says Helmut Lang. Um, obviously Po Ho hasn't taken that policy to heart himself, judging by his last business transaction. He puts the moves on PMMS and taunts them with his cell phone. But before he can rape PMMS and bring the bad-stuff-happening-to-PMMS season total to, like, nineteen or something, Po Ho comes up behind him and bashes him in the head with a plank. The girls grab Helmut's call phone and run, but when they do, Helmut grabs the plank from Po Ho and starts beating him down, so the girls stop to watch helplessly until the evil frat boys show up. Helmut starts to go after the Evil Frat Boys, but they run away to go follow the girls. The time is 2:48:22 AM.
The time is now 2:52:35. The girls are still running. BOK is going through more files at Bad Teen Convertibles. Like, read a book to pass the time or something! Doesn't your cell phone have a video game? Palmer is being driven back to his hotel by the Secret Service. Back at CTU, Jalapeno Spice is working at her desk when Soul Patch stops by with an uncharacteristically intense and inquisitive look on his face. By the way, when I said "uncharacteristically," I was employing sarcasm. He's just gotten the memo about Walsh's death, which was sent out pretty fast. I mean, yeah, the office is full of workers because of the whole assassination thing, but you'd think the person whose job it is to send out the company-wide memos about deaths in the office would still be in bed. Jalapeno feigns surprise and claims not to know how it happened. Soul Patch asks her to open up a "socket" for him on his terminal, whatever that is, so he can research Walsh's death himself. For the love of God, Soul Patch, if you can't do some relevant work already, at least have a copy of computer Solitaire installed on your terminal and go look busy or something!
MotorcycleChick, Gaines, and Mandy drive the TerrorJeep to the place where MotorcycleChick hid the ID. She digs up the ID out of the sand and gives it to Gaines. Gaines thanks them. MotorcycleChick and Mandy hold hands and walk back to the Jeep. FauxMartin appears out of nowhere and shoots MotorcycleChick in the head. A tear forms in Mandy's eyes, and Gaines asks her again if she's interested in another job. She nods reluctantly. "You had no choice," says Gaines as they get into the car. The time is 2:56:05.
Back in Kiefer's office, Jalapeno has cracked the keycard. I guess it didn't take that long at all. She, Kiefer, and Nina learn that the Palmer info was stored on the card on dates that Nina was out of the office…with Kiefer, on a lover's trip to Santa Barbara. "You were way off on this one, Jack!" says Nina, stomping out of the office. Meanwhile, Soul Patch, who is watching the whole scene from below, dials a phone number. "It's [Soul Patch] from CTU," he says. "Kiefer needs to be relieved of his command."
The girls get, like, twenty feet from the evil frat boys. They crouch by a car in order to call Bride of Kiefer. Because it's not like you can run with a cell phone or anything. Spawn tells Bride that there was no party, and that she's being chased by the evil frat boys who made her call earlier and lie. She tells her mom that she's in North Hollywood behind Platt's Auto Body, but she has to go because the evil frat boys are catching up with them and you can't run with a cell phone in the state of California. They run. Bride calls 911 to send a police car to Platt's Auto Body. PMMS crosses the street and gets hit by a car, which isn't funny at all. No, wait. It is. Do I even have to tell you all that Spawn stops to help her stupid friend and, by doing so, gets recaptured by the evil frat boys? Didn't think so. So they force her into the van and drive away, leaving PMMS lying in her own blood. A sad feeling comes over me and the many other viewers who have enjoyed watching PMMS get smacked around this season. What are we going to do if we don't have Ms. Bill to kick around anymore? It's like junior high, when there was that kid that you and your friends loved to pick on. You'd all give it to him so badly that he'd run crying to the guidance counselor's office every day. But one day, when he transferred schools to get away from the brutality, the fun stopped, and it left an empty feeling inside…until you found another focus for your junior high angst. The camera pans up PMMS's bloody leg and stops at her face. She gasps for air. She's alive! Let the beatings resume! The time is 2:59:58…2:59:59…3:00:00.