Episode Report Card Deborah: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Hole In Your Soul
By Deborah | Season 2 | Episode 2 | Aired on 09.30.2004
Props to Anni-Frid, Benny, Björn and Agnetha.
Joan "I Have A Dream" Girardi is lying on Dr. "As Good As New" Dan's office couch, complaining that she saw God again this morning: "He's gonna screw my life up all over again." Dr. Dan, who, sadly, is not played by Paul Rudd or John Corbett or anybody like that, replies, "We've talked about this, Joan. These visions are hallucinatory projections." Joan insists: "No, he's real. He's back."
Cut to Joan suddenly outside, still lying on Dr. Dan's sofa, and watching a bunch of kids walking under a banner reading "Camp Gentle Acres" -- and mocking her. Cute Guy "Angeleyes" God is sitting in Dr. Dan's chair, with a big scroll listing things for Joan to do. He lets go of the scroll and it unrolls endlessly. Joan leaps off the couch and tries to outrun the list.
She runs into her kitchen, where her family is having breakfast. Her mother asks, "How's God?" Joan wonders what she's talking about. Will says pleasantly, "Dr. Dan called and told us everything." As breathless, bewildered Joan complains about violations of confidence, Kevin remarks to Luke, "Maybe God told him to!" They laugh. Helen tells them, "Now be nice, boys. Your sister's insane." Joan begs her mother to promise she won't tell anybody what the shrink said. Helen doesn't say anything. Joan hears someone say, "Psst!" She looks down to find a tiny Goth God perched on the rim of her empty cereal bowl. Goth God asks, "Are you ashamed of me, Joan?" Horrified, she flips out and sends the bowl flying off the table. It smashes on the floor. She starts to run out of the kitchen as her mother tells her to have a nice day, but Helen suddenly appears to be Mrs. LandingGod.
Joan rushes out onto the porch. Adam is standing in the foreground, facing the street. His hood's pulled up and he's smiling. Joan runs up to him and throws her arms around him from behind, sighing with relief: "I just want to be with you." Adam says, "Me, too." Only it's not Adam's voice. When he turns around, she sees it's Cute Guy God in Adam's hoodie. Neither of them speaks; Joan runs to her car and zooms off. Professor "Honey Honey" Frink: "Hey, she didn't let it warm up. That's bad for the car." Me: "Well, that's a good point, except…dream." As she drives along, she sees an old lady crossing the street at the intersection ahead. Well, not an old lady: Mrs. "Watch Out" LandingGod. She stops right in the intersection. Joan's foot hovers over the brake but then she floors it. Wow. This is twice Mrs. L's been on the wrong end of a homicidal automobile. Joan wakes up, panting and sweating. Theme song.
Joan's sitting at the kitchen table looking mopey. Kevin "He Is Your Brother" Girardi wheels in behind her and grabs her bagel, taking a bite and putting it back on the table. Joan: "Hey!" Kevin: "You've been staring at it for an hour. It was growing mold." Joan licks the bagel petulantly and tosses it on her plate, shoving it toward Kevin: "Bon appétit!" Will "Move On" Girardi asks wearily if they can't wait until the caffeine kicks in. Joan says Dr. Dan says it's important for her to let her feelings out. I hadn't noticed her repressing them all that much, actually. She cries more than Tammy Faye Baker and when she's not crying she's usually emoting about something. Will wonders what happened to cheeriness and optimism. Joan sighs, "I have no future in optimism." Helen "Hole In Your Soul" Girardi comes in and asks Joan to pick up a list of books for her when she goes to work at the bookstore today. Will adds a request for "one of those itty-bitty light things. Kept me up all night!" Helen apologizes, saying she was so wrapped up in "that Graham Greene novel." Luke "Head Over Heels" Girardi comes barrelling into the kitchen so fast he trips right over Kevin's lap as Kevin is wheeling toward the table. Luke lands in a heap on the floor, apologizing profusely. As he gathers his things, Kevin grabs one of his CDs and says, "Dude…" He shows it to Joan: "ABBA." It's Gold: Greatest Hits. Joan: "Luke! Did you actually pay money for that?" Hey! I have that CD. ABBA rules. ABBA rule? I hate the band name agreement thing. But people, before you sneer: they knew how to write and arrange a damn pop song. As one fan wrote of "Knowing Me, Knowing You" (which is my favourite ABBA song), they had "production so crisp you could fry chicken in it." So…enjoy the nicknames, 'cause ABBA recorded a whole lotta songs, and we're gonna show a little respect.