Props to Anni-Frid, Benny, Björn and Agnetha.
Joan "I Have A Dream" Girardi is lying on Dr. "As Good As New" Dan's office couch, complaining that she saw God again this morning: "He's gonna screw my life up all over again." Dr. Dan, who, sadly, is not played by Paul Rudd or John Corbett or anybody like that, replies, "We've talked about this, Joan. These visions are hallucinatory projections." Joan insists: "No, he's real. He's back."
Cut to Joan suddenly outside, still lying on Dr. Dan's sofa, and watching a bunch of kids walking under a banner reading "Camp Gentle Acres" -- and mocking her. Cute Guy "Angeleyes" God is sitting in Dr. Dan's chair, with a big scroll listing things for Joan to do. He lets go of the scroll and it unrolls endlessly. Joan leaps off the couch and tries to outrun the list.
She runs into her kitchen, where her family is having breakfast. Her mother asks, "How's God?" Joan wonders what she's talking about. Will says pleasantly, "Dr. Dan called and told us everything." As breathless, bewildered Joan complains about violations of confidence, Kevin remarks to Luke, "Maybe God told him to!" They laugh. Helen tells them, "Now be nice, boys. Your sister's insane." Joan begs her mother to promise she won't tell anybody what the shrink said. Helen doesn't say anything. Joan hears someone say, "Psst!" She looks down to find a tiny Goth God perched on the rim of her empty cereal bowl. Goth God asks, "Are you ashamed of me, Joan?" Horrified, she flips out and sends the bowl flying off the table. It smashes on the floor. She starts to run out of the kitchen as her mother tells her to have a nice day, but Helen suddenly appears to be Mrs. LandingGod.
Joan rushes out onto the porch. Adam is standing in the foreground, facing the street. His hood's pulled up and he's smiling. Joan runs up to him and throws her arms around him from behind, sighing with relief: "I just want to be with you." Adam says, "Me, too." Only it's not Adam's voice. When he turns around, she sees it's Cute Guy God in Adam's hoodie. Neither of them speaks; Joan runs to her car and zooms off. Professor "Honey Honey" Frink: "Hey, she didn't let it warm up. That's bad for the car." Me: "Well, that's a good point, except…dream." As she drives along, she sees an old lady crossing the street at the intersection ahead. Well, not an old lady: Mrs. "Watch Out" LandingGod. She stops right in the intersection. Joan's foot hovers over the brake but then she floors it. Wow. This is twice Mrs. L's been on the wrong end of a homicidal automobile. Joan wakes up, panting and sweating. Theme song.
Joan's sitting at the kitchen table looking mopey. Kevin "He Is Your Brother" Girardi wheels in behind her and grabs her bagel, taking a bite and putting it back on the table. Joan: "Hey!" Kevin: "You've been staring at it for an hour. It was growing mold." Joan licks the bagel petulantly and tosses it on her plate, shoving it toward Kevin: "Bon appétit!" Will "Move On" Girardi asks wearily if they can't wait until the caffeine kicks in. Joan says Dr. Dan says it's important for her to let her feelings out. I hadn't noticed her repressing them all that much, actually. She cries more than Tammy Faye Baker and when she's not crying she's usually emoting about something. Will wonders what happened to cheeriness and optimism. Joan sighs, "I have no future in optimism." Helen "Hole In Your Soul" Girardi comes in and asks Joan to pick up a list of books for her when she goes to work at the bookstore today. Will adds a request for "one of those itty-bitty light things. Kept me up all night!" Helen apologizes, saying she was so wrapped up in "that Graham Greene novel." Luke "Head Over Heels" Girardi comes barrelling into the kitchen so fast he trips right over Kevin's lap as Kevin is wheeling toward the table. Luke lands in a heap on the floor, apologizing profusely. As he gathers his things, Kevin grabs one of his CDs and says, "Dude…" He shows it to Joan: "ABBA." It's Gold: Greatest Hits. Joan: "Luke! Did you actually pay money for that?" Hey! I have that CD. ABBA rules. ABBA rule? I hate the band name agreement thing. But people, before you sneer: they knew how to write and arrange a damn pop song. As one fan wrote of "Knowing Me, Knowing You" (which is my favourite ABBA song), they had "production so crisp you could fry chicken in it." So…enjoy the nicknames, 'cause ABBA recorded a whole lotta songs, and we're gonna show a little respect.
Luke claims the ABBA CD is for "For science. Research. You know, about the optical recording process developed by the Philips laboratory…" Luke isn't a very good liar, but fortunately, he knows how to exploit his family's indifference to matters technical and scientific. Joan turns away, interjecting: "I'm bored now." Will: "I like ABBA…'Dancing Queen, that…doo-doo-doo…'Fernando' song…" Oh, Will. You're not helping my case here. Joan rolls her eyes. He turns to Helen: "Honey, remember that concert, you wore a white jacket with fringe…" Joan complains, "Oh, too much information." Will gives up. Someday someone should explain to Joan where babies, including her, come from. She looks at her mother's book list: "So, Mom, more recommendations from the surfing nun book club?" Hey, that sounds like a book club I'd want to join. So they all know now. Helen says that the first part of the catechism is questioning man's relationship with God, so Lily's suggested novels and essays on the subject. Joan says Helen's being brainwashed. Will gives Joan a look like he's glad someone's saying it, and that it's not him. Joan: "Why would you trust some surfer who settles in Arcadia?" Heh. I was wondering that myself last week. Helen: "There's nothing devious about examining spiritual issues." Luke adds, "Einstein believed there had to be some intelligence behind the design of the universe." Joan: "Well, Dr. Dan says that relying on some outside force to tell you how to live is actually a way to avoid living." Okay, that "Dr. Dan says" shit is going to get old real fast. Helen says, "I don't agree. And I don't think a doctor should tell you how to live." I'll bet Mental Acres doesn't give refunds. Joan snipes, "So you trust God? Because he really came through for Kevin." Will says that's enough. Kevin says it's pretty hard to believe in God, in light of the lawsuit they're facing. So they all know about that, too. Helen: "There is such a thing as free will. Us being sued because of you --" Kevin quickly interjects, "Oh, it's not because of me. It's because of Andy and his greedy-ass family." Helen says that's what she's saying. Kevin: "What, that God abandons you when you need him most?" Helen: "No…" Kevin: "Then God thinks it's okay that the drunk who took my legs can take everything else from us, too?" Will breaks it up and Helen says she didn't mean to start a fight; she just wanted Joan to pick up some books for her. Joan: "Yeah. About God." She gets up and leaves the table. I wonder idly if Joan would prefer that her mother were looking into Satanism.
Joan and Grace enter school and go through the security procedure, getting wanded. So they didn't just dump that after that one episode. Joan's wearing a cute black and white print dress and black cardigan, and complaining, "I thought, after spending [the] summer at crazy camp, I would know how to deal, but my mom's become all religious." Grace: "Dude, my father's a rabbi." Joan, barely listening: "Right. I feel like things are more whacked than when I left. You know, like Luke listening to an ABBA CD?" That gets Grace's attention: "ABBA? You're kidding! I mean, I don't care…" Joan, still not very good at the "observing" and "noticing" thing God always wants her to do, blathers on: "How do you deal with your dad being all into God?" Grace: "Sometimes I hide his yarmulke and watch him freak." Hee! But wouldn't he have more than one? Joan, still not especially listening, says she hears all this "God talk" and it makes her feel a lot of pressure to be perfect: "And Dr. Dan said that's what made me so dysfunctional. I'm a kid! I'm should be able to be just a kid, you know?" Grace mutters into her locker (which has hardly any stuff in it this year, other than a sticker that says "Love Drug" -- heh): "ABBA…and those little meatballs. No wonder Sweden's filled with drugs." Well, it sounds to me like she says "drugs," but the closed captioning says "drunks." Either way, the show's producers should expect a letter from the Swedish Anti-Defamation League. Joan gripes, "Thanks for the support, Grace." She glances down the hall and sees Cute Guy God leaning against a locker. She crumples a bit and whines, "Oh, no…" Grace wonders what's wrong, but Joan just says, "Nothing. See you in class."
She walks down the hall, tossing her hair pissily as she pointedly ignores Cute Guy God. He starts to walk away as she turns the corner and runs into Goth "Rock Me" God. I think that's a new record for proximity of avatars, isn't it? Joan's caught slightly off guard and says, "I told you I didn't want to see you anymore." He walks behind her, saying, "I thought maybe you had changed your mind. It seemed like we really connected last time." Joan insists they didn't. Goth God: "So you didn't feel anything?" Joan "Why Did It Have To Be Me" Girardi stops: "Look, it's over, okay? You're just going to have to adjust to that. Call up a friend on the phone and bitch about me if you need to, but you have to find someone else." Goth God: "I just want…" Joan holds up her hand and squeezes it quickly into a fist: "No! I don't want to hear it!" She takes off. Frink: "Dude, God's a stalker." Me: "I know! Where do you get a restraining order for God? I doubt even Gavin de Becker knows what to do about that." He tails her, advising her to just keep her eyes open. She wants to know what he means by that. She says they're already open. He continues, "I know how hard it is, being back, reconnecting. You have choices to make…" Joan: "Well, I have free will, right?" He agrees. She says she's using it right now and takes off with a sternly dismissive hand gesture: "I choose a life without you!"
Will "Put On Your White Sombrero" Girardi and Chewy "Dum Dum Diddle" Carlisle drive up to a crime scene, which, even though it's outside and broad daylight, is still almost as blue as the police station interiors. I feel like I need them to ease up a little on the blue filters, or whatever the technique is. I get the dichotomy, I really do. Will's carping to Chewy about the lawsuit: "'Emotional damage.' What is that?" Chewy: "That's what happens when you live with my ex-wife." Maybe there wasn't enough room in your marriage for you, her and your tapeworm, chum, have you considered? ["Also, we already have a Lennie Briscoe, but thanks for coming out today." -- Sars] Will carries on: "And my lawyer says they have a case. My kid has wheels for legs and I'm on the defensive. Just once, I'd like someone to do the right thing. Once." What's that saying? Be careful what you wish for? Yeah. Put a pin in that. Chewy: "You're still a dreamer. It's cute." A uniformed member of a sheriff's office tells them that an eight-year-old African-American boy got caught in the crossfire of a drive-by. He says his mother's on her way. Will: "Shooters are probably gonna sue because the kid stole their bullets." Chewy asks about witnesses. As usual in poor black neighbourhoods on TV, nobody's talking. Will goes up to the little boy, and tries to reassure him, and asks if he saw who shot him. He didn't. Will asks the assembled crowd, "No one saw a thing here? Not the shooters? A car?" The silence is a mixture of resignation, fear, distrust and anger. Will mildly harangues one gaggle, asking, "You think this is not going to happen again? You think your kid won't be ?" You think they have any reason to believe the police are really interested in helping them? They watch the boy being taken away. One woman comments that he was selling wrapping paper for his school: "I bought some. 'Thank you, ma'am,' he said." Will zeroes in on her, asking if she saw anything. She just shakes her head at him and walks away, and the head shaking is much more "You've got to be kidding me" than "No, I didn't."
Grace and Luke are having a semi-private conversation around a corner in a school hallway. Grace is at her locker, and Luke's pretending to read posters and kind of talking to the wall, just loud enough for her to hear. Grace: "Dude, ABBA?" Luke: "I thought you might like them 'cause everyone hates them." Grace: "Well, you thought wrong. Tell me you don't have any BeeGees in there." Dead silence. Yikes. Grace: "Dude?" Luke: "It's just music." Grace: "Just music?" She issues an order: "Meet me tomorrow night with mix CDs. If we find no common ground, we're toast." She closes her locker and vamooses. As Luke watches her go, Friedman "When I Kissed The Teacher" Owlander (or Aulander, or whatever his last name is) comes up and brags, "Dude, I just dropped my pencil to look up Charlene Lister's skirt…" Luke walks off, bored and/or disgusted. Friedman: "It was one of those culotte things…" Culotte things? Are those actually still fashionable anywhere?
Joan zooms up behind Adam "Mamma Mia" Rove at his locker and covers his eyes. He smiles, realizing who it is. She says hi as he turns to face her and then kisses him enthusiastically several times. He asks, "Did I miss something?" Joan: "Me." She suggests they skip school and have a picnic at Mercer Creek. Adam says he has a history quiz and art project. Joan, exasperated: "Who cares?" As they start walking, Adam wonders, "Aren't you the one all into school?" Joan: "That was yesterday. I was sick of being the goody shoes [sic] girl." Adam, putting his arm around her gently: "Are you okay?" Joan: "No, I'm crazy, remember?" He says that's not what he meant. She says to just forget it. She complains that she was supposed to come back and pick up her life again, but wonders what she's supposed to do if she wants things to be different. Adam asks, "Are you talking about us? 'Cause a minute ago you seemed pretty happy to see me." Joan: "I was. I am. I just…forget it." Adam promises to do something incredibly irresponsible with her during the coming weekend: "Maybe we'll even wind up on Cops…" He swings her hands playfully and she chuckles. Frink comments on Joan's hairstyle: "I like the part. It makes me forget the bangs."
In the background, a girl comes around the corner, sees Joan, and comes running over to her. They're both excited to see each other and they hug and giggle. The girl, played by Sprague Grayden of Six Feet Under, is wearing a plum-coloured fedora -- and a choker of big white pearls -- so right away, I'm not crazy about her. Joan strokes her hair and says, "Oh my God! Look at you!" The girl explains she got booted out of Clayton Country Day [School]. Joan: "After ten days?" She explains, "Well, I was already on probation, and apparently they have this rule about not filling the evil math teacher's car with packing peanuts." Joan's still all, "Look at you." The girl finally turns to Adam, who's been standing there patiently while he's ignored, and says, "Oh, my God. Adam, right?" Joan confirms it, as the girl says, "He's just like you said. I'm Judith Montgomery." Adam, finally getting it: "Oh, from camp. Yeah, Jane told me all about you." Judith: "'Jane.'" She chortles a bit. "I love it." She then sticks a knife in my gut by telling him, "People called us 'Joanith.' We had this instant mind meld thing." Great. That's all I needed, one of those fugly pairing portmanteaux to become canon. I hate those "cutesy" conflated couple names. They look ugly and sound ugly and bleah. Yuck. The less heard about that, the better. Joan can't believe Judith goes to her school now. Judith says she has to find AP Physics. Adam says that's where they're going. Judith: "Same classes? This is outrageous."
They all start walking as Joan comments on how cool this is. They quickly run into Luke, and Friedman, who says, "But soft! A new arrival in our happy realm. May I be thy guide, fair maiden?" I hope someone teaches Judith the phrase she'll need most at this school: "Shut it, Friedman." Adam instinctively puts a hand on Friedman's shoulder, kind of, "Settle down, doofus." But Judith's a sport and she plays along and lets him take her hand. Grace comes up complaining that she didn't know they had to do the questions in the back of the chapter. Adam shrugs as he goes into class, "Ms. Lischak wrote the assignment on the board." Grace glares after him: "Thanks, Dad." Judith says, "Grace, right?" Grace to Joan: "Do we know her?" Joan, elated: "This is Judith!" After a beat, because it's pretty obvious the name means nothing to Grace, she adds, "From camp! She goes here now." Judith waves as Grace regards her dully. Grace turns into the classroom muttering, "So now I have to get to know another person now." Hee! I feel you. Wait until you meet "Joanith." Judith looks slightly offput by Grace's attitude, but not much. As Luke and Friedman enter the classroom, Friedman "She's My Kind of Girl" Owlander says, "It was subtle, but she vibed me, right?" Settle down, doofus.
Skylight Books. Joan's shelving books when some guy in a sweater vest, with a goodly amount of hair, micromanages his way over to her. Who's this clown? He pulls a book off the shelf and complains that Alice in Quantumland doesn't belong in the children's book section: "Which should be obvious, unless of course you don't even have a game show's knowledge of basic scientific terminology." Joan, her patience finally worn a little thin, snaps, "Hey, I take AP Physics!" He replies, "Oh, which explains the outsourcing of jobs to India." Watch it, buddy. My Bangalori in-laws need work, too. Joan asks the $64,000 question, which is, "When is Sammy coming back?" And I gather the correct answer to that is, "Whenever Kevin Hill tanks, I guess." But he answers, "I am Sammy." Um… Joan comments, "Which is weird, isn't it? Best friends, both 'Sammy,' both…you know how you are. It's like there should be some mothership someplace." Sammy 2.0 explains, "Mm-hmm. The prior Sammy will return when his wife regains her sanity. So I'd get used to me if I were you." He walks off. Hmph. I give them props for not trying to pass off a new actor in the old role, because that never works. No, never. But this is almost the same thing. I much prefer Sammy 1.0. He was sarcastic, where this one comes off smarmy. I have just one thing to say: Sammy 2.0, I recapped Sammy 1.0. I knew Sammy 1.0. Sammy 1.0 was a friend of mine. Sammy 2.0, you're no Sammy 1.0.
Joan's hears someone "psst"-ing her from behind a bookcase. She peers through it and sees Judith, who's there to tell her she's having a party at her house on Saturday night because her parents are going out of town. Joan can't believe her parents are leaving her alone for the whole weekend. Judith: "They're shrinks, remember? They're all about giving me space and letting me learn from my mistakes." Are there any TV shrinks with well-adjusted children? Particularly, are there any TV couples who are both shrinks and have well-adjusted children? Because I can't think of any. ["Me neither." -- Sars] Joan reminds her she just got expelled, and wonders whether she really wants to risk getting in more trouble. Judith: "Look, at camp they told us we're supposed to find creative ways to integrate ourselves into our social environment, right?" Joan: "Yeah." Judith: "So we're sixteen. Isn't this what we're supposed to do?" Joan glances around and sees Mrs. LandingGod browsing. She marches over to her and says, "I told you I am done with you." Mrs. LandingGod says, "Here's one of the books your mother wanted," and starts rambling about Thoreau. Joan snatches the book out of her hand and says, "You just can't stop, can you?" She starts pushing her out of the store: "Get out! Out!" Mrs. LandingGod doesn't resist. Sammy 2.0 wants to know what's going on; Joan explains to him, "She was stealing." She yells down the street after her, "time, I'll call the cops!" Heh. I guess she didn't buy that "technically, everything is mine" jazz. Sammy 2.0: "Good work." Judith and her Plum Fedora of Attention Whoredom and Neediness come to the door, and she waggles her eyebrows at Joan, who replies, "Let's party."
After the commercials, Joan's in the garage helping Kevin by getting a box down from a high shelf. As he wheels away with it to a table, she comments that he's like a "human dolly." Kevin replies, "Yeah, I have many new uses now." Joan says she didn't mean to rag on him this morning: "I was going for Mom, and you just sorta got caught in the crossfire." He says it's cool: "I think we're all pretty tightly wound." He pulls lots of jock paraphernalia out of the box, as she wonders what he's looking for. He's after his yearbook. Joan: "Cutting out pictures of Andy?" Kevin says he just needs to see him: "I need to see who the hell my best friend was." He flips through the yearbook as Joan comments, "He was a dork. He used to pick me up and spin me around over his head. I should have ralphed on him." Kevin: "You loved him. We all did." Joan: "He's a bastard now." Kevin looks at candid shots and sports photos of himself and Andy as he muses, "Sure seems that way." Kevin announces that he's going to go see Andy: "I need to find out why he's doing this." Joan: "Kevin, he's suing us. You can't go see him." Kevin: "Who says?" Joan thinks: "Like…every law show on TV." Kevin asks if she'll tell their parents. Joan: "Oh, yeah, I'm dying to get in the middle of this one." They go back to looking at the yearbook. The scene closes on a candid shot of Andy and Kevin goofing around. They look pretty happy together.
It's dark out. Grace "Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)" Polk and Luke "I'm a Marionette" Girardi are sitting in a park, on some big gnarled tree roots. They're playing music for each other. Luke's playing some hiphop for her -- I can't make out the song -- and she's shaking her head: "No, no, no. Hiphop is supposed to be about defiance and social justice. This mainstream trash has totally sold out to the corporate rats." Luke: "Yeah, but the chorus has this addictive bass that's like --" Grace: "." Luke: "You're very intolerant." Grace counters, "High musical standards does not make me intolerant, dude." I feel someone poking me in my right upper arm but we're just going to ignore him. Luke suggests delving into some classical selections. Grace wonders if he's trying to kill her: "Why don't we just start speaking in Latin?" Hey, be my guest. Sars and I can handle it. Luke decides it's time to listen to her music. Grace: "Okay, okay. Chill with the caveman act." She puts on 33 West: "Indie group. Totally downloadable. The people's music." Luke: "Sophomoric lyrics. Stultifying melody. They sound like they recorded it over a telephone. They deserve their obscurity." Hee. At least he's not pretending to like stuff to appease her, like how some girl who hates sports might have pretended to be interested in football just because some high school boyfriend liked it. Er, not that I know any girls like that. Grace is miffed and moves on to the song: "Olatunji. African drums." Luke's comment: "Pretentious attempt to co-opt another culture to hide your middle-class roots." Wow, is he ever skating on thin ice. Grace: "You are going to be bleeding soon." But she doesn't say it with her usual conviction. He comes back with: "Feel the power of Metallica: Master of Puppets. The anthem of thrash metal." Grace says they sound like a band with no hands. Luke claims, "You know what? I have a deep, psychic connection with Metallica, so tread lightly." Really? They just don't seem his cup of tea, really. I think Luke should look into some avant-garde stuff -- John Cage, Iannis Xenakis, that sort of thing. I think the math in it would blow his mind. Grace, discouraged, says, "Look, dude, we tried. But music is vibrations, and my music is a representation of my inner vibrations." Luke: "And if we don't share a common rate of vibration, what do we have?" Nearby some people walk through the park with a boombox, playing Kool and the Gang's "Celebration." At the same time, they both comment, "At least you didn't bring that." Luke has a brainstorm. He leans toward Grace: "A shared experience in dissonance creates its own harmony." Grace: "What?" Luke geeks on: "Harmonic resonance. It's one of the basic laws of physics. Our mutual hatred for Kool and the Gang has formed a harmonic union between us." Grace smiles, all too willing to salvage things: "I think I feel it." Luke: "Grace…this is our song." They kiss.
As Will flosses his teeth before bed, he tells Helen about the drive-by shooting, and how there must be a witness. Helen says they're probably terrified. Will: "So, they'll just let it happen again?" Helen: "You really think it's that simple, making the right moral choice in a world filled with violence and intimidation?" That was a bit clunky. Will wonders if it's from one of her books; she says it is: "Sorry. It's Graham Greene again. He writes about God in a world of moral relativism." Will gets on the bed, commenting, "'Interesting,' he said begrudgingly." Looking at the pile on the bed, he remarks that she has a lot of books. Helen: "Lot of questions." He picks something up: "Hey…you got the Itty-Bitty Light." Helen: "Because I'm a wonderful woman, even though I believe in God." She kisses him, and then Will looks pensive. Helen: "What? I got the Itty-Bitty Light." Frink: "That's two plugs." Me: "Actually, it's three." Will: "We thought we were on top of things, but look at us: Kevin's lawsuit, Joan's a new person every day…I feel like the people on that block. I can see everything happening, but I can't seem to do anything about it." Helen's philosophical: "Joan's a teenager. We're supposed to be powerless." He picks up a book and says, "Hey! There's dirty stuff in here." It's Fear of Flying. Helen smirks: "Moral issues." Will: "This is bait." Helen hopes so. She leans over to kiss him. Will: "'Will grapples with his moral quandary…what to do ? Mmm, what to do?'" He and Helen get comfortable. Are people allowed to grapple with their moral quandaries on CBS at 8:00?
At school, Judith tells Joan -- who's wearing one of her scarves again -- that she's already got all the party supplies: "Chips, soda, beer, wine, some million-proof tequila…" Joan: "Bail money?" How about a stomach pump? Judith tells her not to worry: "I do this a lot." They run into Adam, and Joan asks what time he's picking her up for the party. He's not sure if he's going. Joan wants to know if he has to work or something. He just says, "No." Joan: "Well, what?" Judith provides a diagnosis: "Anhedonia." She elaborates for Adam: "It's a psychological condition. The inability to gain pleasure from normally pleasurable experiences." Adam says that's not it: "If the party gets busted and my father finds out, and I don't know, he's been through a lot lately." Joan: "Adam, when was the last time we actually hung out and had fun?" He reminds her she was gone all summer: "Look, can we not talk about this here?" Joan: "I'm just saying, you know, it's always something." Judith puts her arm around Adam's shoulder and says, "Maybe your relationship is based in crisis. You know, like, if you don't have a problem to deal with, you have no real connection." Adam, looking very uncomfortable, says, "I really feel weird talking about this with someone I've only known for a day, okay?" Judith, not all that convincingly: "Sorry. My parents are shrinks." Joan thinks maybe Judith has a point. Adam gets fairly pissed off. He leaves, saying he'll talk to her about it later. Judith asks, "You okay?" Joan puts her arm around Judith, and Judith reciprocates, as they walk off with Joan saying it's Adam's problem. Okay, I'm trying to reserve judgment, but I'm really not liking Judith so far. I can't stand people who try to stir up trouble in other people's relationships, even if their motive for doing so is not to try to get one of the parties for themselves. And I haven't entirely ruled that out yet. Also, the superficial similarities between Joan and Judith are making me nervous. I feel like it's not a casting coincidence. Their hair is almost the same colour, with similar styles (long, straight, bangs long enough to be swept to the side) and similar body shapes/heights. I can't shake this icky feeling that Judith will be mistaken for Joan by someone -- Adam? -- and it will lead to all kinds of fallout. I really hope there isn't some stupid storyline where Adam accidentally has some physical intimacy with Judith thinking momentarily that she's Joan, because that would suck.
At the police station, Chewy reports to Will that they still have no witnesses. He offers Will a peanut cluster: "It's a real rush." Will: "You ever consider actual food?" They run into the woman Will spoke to at the scene of the crime. I finally realize it's Michael Hyatt, who was on The West Wing for a while as some character whose name I've already forgotten. I've actually been successful in blotting out large chunks of that show. Her character's name here is Mary Wallace. She brings them a newspaper clipping showing a picture of two ten-year-old boys in a story about their basketball achievements. She says those are their perps. Well, she doesn't say "perps." I just like to say it. Will says they're kids; Mary says it's the only picture she had. She says they still look the same. Hmm. Their names are Ruben Holloway and Deshawn Wallace -- Deshawn's her nephew. She says he was a sweet kid until his mother died, and went into foster care because she couldn't manage to take him on top of her own problems. Chewy talks about an East Side drug gang named the Third Street All-Stars (same name as the boys' basketball team) and how they're into crack, heroin, crystal meth. Will asks if she saw them shoot the little boy. Mary: "Right in front of my house." Will tells her she did the right thing in coming forward. Mary: "If I had done the right thing, I'd have taken that boy in years ago, and none of us would be here right now."
Joan's at school, on her cell phone to Dr. Dan: "I was supposed to come home feeling like I was enough, remember?" She sits on some stairs as he tells her she shouldn't expect immediate results. There's Goth God in the background. Joan says he told her she didn't need to see "you-know-who." Dr. Dan wants to know if she's saying she's seen God. She claims she's not saying that. He asks about her journal. As she says the journal isn't helping, she turns and notices Goth God. Dr. Dan tells her to give it more time and stay focused, but she's already unravelled by seeing Goth God. She tells Dr. Dan she'll keep writing in her journal. He starts to give her some more advice but she's all, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I'm good enough. I gotta go." She goes to confront Goth God: "Why can't you understand that you are screwing up my life? I just want to be like everyone else!" Goth God asks, "Do I really have to give you the snowflake speech?" Heh. She says she just wants to go to Judith's party. Goth God shrugs, "So, go." She doesn't know what to make of that as he walks off. Adam walks up slowly behind her, asking who she was talking to. Joan: "God. He's big into Marilyn Manson." She says it's a joke, and Adam's face relaxes slightly. He says he didn't come to argue: "I just…I love you, Jane. Let's go have some fun, okay?" She walks off with him. I would like to hear her tell him she loves him, because I don't think I have. Not in so many words.
Will and Chewy bring Ruben and Deshawn into the police station, who gripe about being small businessmen hassled by the cops: "That's why I vote Republican. Dick Cheney, he knows what time it is!" Much snorting on our couch. Chewy: "I thought convicted felons didn't get to vote." Will says they've got Deshawn on accessory to murder, unless he didn't know what Ruben had planned. Ruben tells them, "Ain't nobody singing, not D, not me." Will says, as he tosses them in the pen, that they have eyewitness evidence placing them at the scene of the shooting. Deshawn: "You think it's over because you grabbed us? Have you sniffed around here, seen what your people do?" Ruben: "Shut your ass, D." Will inquires, "What does that mean, D? You got something to say, say it." Ruben: "The only thing we got to say is 'lawyer.' Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer, lawyer." Will closes the door to the lockup. He and Ruben glare at each other.
Sammy 2.0 walks up to Joan, who's sitting on the floor of the bookstore reading a book: "I hope you fell." Oh, Sammy 2.0 is so not working for me. Joan says she's on a break. Sammy 2.0 sneers: "Mmm, in the self-help section. You are the poster child for the intellectual decline of America." Joan shows him what she's reading: "Codependent No More -- it's very good." Yeah, that oughta shut his gob. Joan says, "In order to find yourself, you have to sever your connection with the people you allow to control you." Sammy 2.0 replies, "Mmm. See, all I heard was 'blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.'" Just then "Hey Hey Helen" Girardi comes into the store and asks Joan, "Did you fall, honey?" Man, doesn't anybody in Arcadia sit on the floor? Joan says she's fine and wants to know what she's doing there. Helen: "I need a book. This is a bookstore." Sammy 2.0 says, in a manner that reminds me ever so vaguely of an unconstipated Eric Cartman, "I assume you're looking for something in this section." He gestures to the self-help section. Stow it, NotSammy. See, Patrick Breen could pull this off, but this guy, it's just not happening. They need another personality for this guy. Then maybe I can deal. Helen replies neutrally, "No, I'd like Immanuel Kant's The Metaphysics of Ethics." Sammy 2.0 gets all nervous and excited, like he's just been asked to the prom, and zips off to get the Kant. Helen and Joan exchange glances about his annoyingness and then Helen notices what Joan's reading. "Hey…you don't have to do it alone…if you need to talk…" Joan insists she's fine and has to get back to work. Helen suggests they all go to a restaurant called Maria's for dinner. Joan: "Me and some friends are going to Judith's." Helen says maybe they can go to Maria's week. Joan agrees. Helen stands there watching Joan thoughtfully as she fusses with stuff at the cash desk. Joan gives her a sigh that's a mixture of self-consciousness and exasperation: "What?" Helen: "Nothing. I was just remembering pushing you on a swing. Silly, isn't it?" She wanders off as Joan looks vaguely unsettled.
In the reflection of a large plate glass window we see Kevin wheeling up to a building. Andy "Money Money Money" Baker is standing on the sidewalk, washing windows. He's squeegeeing when he notices Kevin waiting behind him. He doesn't say anything at first while he takes in the sight of Kevin in a wheelchair. Andy says he shouldn't have come. Kevin says he called him: "Why wouldn't you talk to me?" Andy: "They said I wasn't allowed." Kevin shrugs: "Me, too." Andy keeps washing windows halfheartedly as he glances at Kevin, asking why he drove four hours to see him. Kevin says he read the suit: "Said you were in bad shape. I wanted to see if there was anything I could do." Heh. Burn. Andy says, "I have nightmares. I'm a damn window washer." Kevin wonders if he'd like to trade places. Andy says he has to work. Kevin: "Are you gonna ask how I'm doing?" Andy: "Why the hell are you doing this to me, man?" Kevin: "Because you were my best friend, and now you want to ruin my family?" Andy says his parents said it was just insurance. Kevin: "You're blaming your parents? You're twenty, dude!" Andy barks, "Dude, I'm messed up, Kev! Okay? You don't think there's a day that goes by that I don't see you lying in blood, all broken?" Kevin: "And a big-screen and a trip to the Bahamas is going to make that all go away? I gotta try that!" Ooh! Re-burn. As he wheels off, Andy yells, "I was wasted off my ass, dude! You weren't! You should have taken the keys, Kev! You could have! Why do I have to live with all the guilt, huh? You should have taken the keys, Kev!" Didn't Kevin try? That's what he said in "St. Joan". Kevin keeps wheeling away without a word. Excellent scene. Frink and I seethe all through the commercials about people who don't take responsibility for drinking.
Party at Judith "Does Your Mother Know" Montgomery's rather lavish estate. Korn's hideous cover of "Word Up" is playing. Joan and Judith come bouncing down a staircase, tailed by Adam, whooping and hollering and yelling about "Joanith in the hizzouse." They generally behave in that obnoxiously loud and boisterous manner that I loathe so much in people who are drinking. It so often comes off as posing, too. Real or faked, it's incredibly off-putting. Joan grabs Judith's bottle of tequila and takes a swig. I would think that'd be pretty tough stuff for such an inexperienced drinker. ["It's pretty tough stuff for us veterans." -- Sars] Joan tells Adam, "Come on, Adam, shake that booty!" Judith says, "I'm so happy we're all together. I mean, we've got this connection." Putting her arm around Adam's neck so that she's practically got him in a headlock, she asks, "Don't you feel it? Like we've known each other forever." Hands off the boyfriend, Boozith. Don't make me call you Floozith. Adam, somewhat uncomfortable, just agrees as she propels him along. Boozith gripes, "God, my old friends? The creeps at my old school were such poseurs." She passes some guy playing pool and slaps him in the head, asking, "Why are you crashing my party?" To Joan: "They're just using me!" Adam just looks stunned as Joan and Boozith keep walking, catcalling, "Poseurs!" in unison. Ugh. They've got the behaviour bang-on, but it's just excruciating to watch. I lived through high school once, thanks -- and just barely at that. Adam calls Joan's name a few times but Joan doesn't really respond. They pass Friedman "Voulez-Vous" Owlander, standing there wearing a grey Duckie Dale hat, a red shirt with a lanyard, a dark grey jacket with several lapel pins, and, I think, light blue jeans. Friedman, dude, I paid money to see Duckie Dale. I knew Duckie Dale. Duckie Dale was a friend of mine. Friedman, you're no Duckie Dale. Boozith keeps blathering and drinking: "You guys…I love you guys." Friedman asks, "Does that include me, my sweet?" Boozith stops, turns around, zooms up to him, saying breathlessly, "Jon Cryer. Pretty in Pink. I've always loved you, Duckie." Then she -- ew! -- kisses him hard. Gag. Doesn't she know that's like feeding a stray cat? You will never get rid of him now. Stupid girl. On the other hand…maybe they deserve each other. She and Joan cackle as they walk off, leaving Friedman there dumbfounded. Fortunately, Boozith can disinfect her mouth with that million-proof tequila she's sucking on. As they prance along, Joan takes the bottle from Boozith, suggesting she pace herself a built. Boozith whines about Joan trying to kill her buzz. She announces it's only 8:00 as she spies another full bottle and grabs it. Joan: "Really? Party on!" Boozith takes another swig as she tells Adam, "You have got to tell me everything about you and Jo-Jo." Friedman's on their tail like a bad smell, eating chips and reminding Boozith, "The Friedman?"
Outside, Luke walks up to Grace, who's sitting in a hammock alone -- brooding? judging? -- and says, "High school house party. A primordial soup of hormonally charged organisms just longing for a lightning bolt and a little innocent mitosis." He sits down in the hammock as Grace says, "Dude. Article 2, paragraph 3: Parties, no contact, no communication." She leaves. No mitosis for you, bub.
Joan and Boozith climb onto a trampoline in the backyard. They start bouncing and hooting and hollering. Adam wanders away, tired, and sits down near Grace, who's staring at them glumly. She says, "If she had an off switch, I'd use it." I'm not sure if she means Joan or Boozith. Adam just looks at the two of them sadly and walks off without saying anything, putting his hand gently on Grace's shoulder as he passes her. Wow. Not too many people could get away with that gesture.
A CD changer drawer pops out and Luke sticks in a CD. He looks pleased with himself as "Celebration" starts playing. People stare and complain but Luke doesn't care. <>Cut to Grace outside, who hears the music and wonders what gives. We see Luke walking in the background as she looks around nervously. When she notices him standing there, he just gives a little "come on" gesture with his head. Grace looks away, kind of shaking her head ever so slightly to herself. You can see her struggling with herself. She gets up, though, and wanders self-consciously in Luke's general direction.
Joan boogies up behind Adam, who's slumped in a chair, putting her hands over his eyes. He wriggles away from her hands as she catches him with a kiss on the neck. She asks, "What?" He says it's nothing, as she plants herself in his lap, adding, "It's just, you know…it's not private." She kisses him as he asks her to please stop. Of course, Boozith "Suzy Hang-a-Round" Montgomery and her tequila bottle are there all of a sudden, hanging over the back of the chair, complaining, "You're making me jealous." I feel sick. Why do I feel sicker than I ever did about Iris? I don't like it. Maybe it's because I just watched Hilary & Jackie again last week. Joan giggles. Adam just gives them both a questioning look and says nothing. Boozith sort of takes the hint and boozes off.
Joan goes back to trying to kiss Adam but he's finally had enough, asking her, "Would you get off me, please?" He gets up as Joan gripes, "What is your problem, Adam? Why can't you just loosen up for once?" ["Man, she's obtuse. If she were any more obtuse she'd be a circle. I liked her less than Boozith in this episode, honestly. Shut up, Joan." -- Sars] Adam looks at her and asks, "Is this what you want? Or is this just the official Joanith party line?" Joan laughs mirthlessly, saying she knew he didn't like Boozith. Adam sputters, "That's not true…I -- I -- I --" Joan: "You don't know what she means to me. This summer I didn't know if I was insane, or what. I would just lie there on my stupid, saggy bed and cry, and she was the only one who cared." Adam responds, "And I'm glad she was there for you. But why does that mean you have to turn into someone else? I mean, what happened to Jane?" Joan snaps, "I'm not Jane, okay? The name is Joan!" I flinch. "I just want to be who I am and not who everyone else wants me to be!" Adam: "Fine. Then don't let me get in the way, okay?" He walks off. I really love that when they disagree, he doesn't yell or scream or turn macho or throw stuff around or make empty threats. He just says what he has to say as calmly as he can. Joan looks worried, then pissed. Then she starts wandering through the crowd of partiers, seeming slightly surprised when she brushes past Cute Guy God. Before either of them can say anything, Boozith's calling to her. She's hanging on the mantel, swaying and drinking. She asks Joan, "Where'd beautiful boy go?" Ugh. Joan: "Who cares?" Noticing that Boozith's tequila bottle is about seven-eighths empty, Joan asks if she really drank all that. Boozith offers her the bottle: "Last shot, all Jo-Jo's." Joan declines, so Boozith naturally goes for it. She loses her balance and Joan catches her, steadying her on the arm of a chair. Joan asks if she really thinks she should be drinking this much. Boozith: "Buzz kill. Go! Jo-Jo find Boy-Boy. One of us should get some lovin'." Oy. Well, there's always Friedman, Boozith. I'm sure in your grossly intoxicated state you could hardly tell the difference between Adam and Friedman. Joan seems very hesitant to leave Boozith, but Boozith shoos her off.
Cut to Luke "Kisses of Fire" Girardi making out with Grace "I Let The Music Speak" Polk. "Celebration" starts up again and she stops kissing him to say, "You put it on repeat in an attempt to circumvent our five-minute makeout rule." Luke: "Free will between the amorous parties supersedes contractual duty rendering our agreement void ab initio." Grace: "You're impaired, dude." She doesn't seem unhappy about it. Luke: "Caveat emptor. I have grounds to renegotiate." They go back to making out. They're all "Gracias Por La Musica."
Joan sits on the porch, calling out to no one in particular, "Adam, I'm sorry!" Glynis "Nina, Pretty Ballerina" Figliola comes out the front door, glued at the lips to some guy. Joan asks, "Glynis! Have you seen Adam?" Glynis unglues herself long enough to say, "Just Sean. We spent the summer doing cellular research at Stanford." She giggles and they go back to smooching giddily as they walk off.
Grace walks -- alone -- into the room we last saw Boozith in. She notices that Boozith "S.O.S" Montgomery is flat out on the floor, unconscious, with an empty bottle on her torso. Grace: "Judith? Judith!" No response. A couple making out on a chair splits. There are lots of people around; they couldn't be more indifferent. Grace tries to rouse Boozith but can't. Frink: "Please turn her on her side." As Grace is trying to wake her up, Friedman is there with his obligatory inappropriate comment: "Back off, Marge, she's mine." Grace asks, "Did she finish this whole bottle in an hour?" Friedman: "Is that even possible?" Grace: "Yeah, if you wanna die! Judith! Judith!" She tells Friedman to call 911. He stands there like a dolt. Grace: "Do it, freak!" Grace "You Owe Me One" Polk keeps trying to rouse Boozith.
On the porch, Joan's alarmed to see ambulances arriving. She calls out to Adam a couple of times, as Grace comes running to the porch: "She's in here!" Joan asks what's going on as the paramedics run in. Grace tells her, "Judith." They run inside.
Joan stands watching nervously as the paramedics take Boozith's vital signs. Cute Guy God meanders over. Joan asks hoarsely, "Why are you letting this happen? Do something!" He says, "'Keep your eyes open.' That's all I asked." Joan's outraged: "You're blaming me for this? No way are you blaming me!" He wanders off.
I watch some unbelievably annoying Gap commercial while Frink goes to the kitchen. I yell to him, "Do you not think Sarah Jessica Parker is the most incredibly horse-faced woman?" He agrees that he can't believe she's even considered pretty, never mind sexy.
Kevin's sitting in the kitchen alone, mushing some food around, when Joan comes in, in her pyjamas. She looks at what he's doing, commenting, "Ew, that's gross." He agrees. She wants to know if she can have some. He says sure, adding, "I hear you and Luke are grounded." Joan: "Yep." Kevin: "Dad seemed almost relieved that Luke did something so normal-bad-kid-like." Joan asks what they said about her. Kevin: "Oh, they just think you're nuts." He laughs, and remarks, "So, that girl's going to be okay." Joan points out that she almost died. She asks if he talked to Andy. Kevin, "Oh, yeah. We had a lovely chat. That Mom and Dad will never hear about." Joan knows. Kevin: "Remember how I thought it was crazy for him to sue us?" Joan does. Kevin says he doesn't know now: "I mean, I always thought Andy was the moron for driving that night." Joan says he was: "You don't drive drunk." Kevin agrees, but says he could have stopped him. Joan insists it's not Kevin's fault: "Andy has to take responsibility for what he did." She pushes herself away from the table irritably and says, "You shouldn't have gone to see him!" She leaves. You can tell Kevin doesn't think so.
Morning. Chewy's at the front door, and Will invites him in. Chewy says he was told not to bother him on his day off, "But I thought you'd…" Will: "What? What is it?" He says, "There's been some trouble." Maybe Chewy's going to tell us about an outrageous price increase in the junk food vending machines at the station. But it's much worse.
Cut to TV footage of a burning house. It's Mrs. Wallace's home. The reporter talks about the fire being suspicious and that she had agreed to testify in the drive-by case. Will's standing by the TV, saying, "No, damn it, no!" Joan comes in and asks what happened. Helen tells her that a murder witness Will was working with was killed. Will: "And I pushed her to get involved." Helen reassures him that he did the right thing. Will: "She's dead, Helen." They watch her body being loaded into a vehicle. I don't think I understand why Chewy had to come to the house to tell Will.
Boozith is lying in her hospital bed, hooked up to a few tubes. Joan comes to see her. I guess she got an exemption from the grounding. Boozith murmurs, "Joanith in the hizzouse." Joan asks where her parents are; Boozith replies weakly that her father's giving a speech at "Shrinkapalooza." She notices the seriousness of Joan's expression and says, "What? You look worse than me." Joan says she should have taken the bottle away from her. Well, actually, she did, and Boozith just grabbed another one. Boozith: "This is my thing…not yours." Well, that's the first intelligent thing she's said in the whole show. Joan says it doesn't work like that: "It doesn't work if everyone is alone, you know?" I dunno. I'd like to see just how things would work if everybody took appropriate amounts of responsibility for their own damn behaviour. Joan says she was supposed to keep her eyes open, and lapses into babbling about Kevin and Andy and Boozith and Adam and her father and his dead witness: "And even though I see now, I probably sent the cosmos spinning off course, and we're all gonna end up sucked into a black hole and there'll be no more world, and I'm just really, really…I'm really sorry, Judith." Aw, Joan. You really need to get over yourself. Boozith's asleep, anyway. Joan notices, and gets off the bed, giving Boozith a kiss on the forehead before she leaves.
Out in the hallway, she runs into Adam "Love Isn't Easy (But It Sure Is Hard Enough)" Rove. Adam says he's on his way to work, and figured Joan would be there. They walk slowly together. Joan says Boozith's sleeping, and that the doctors said she'd be discharged in a couple of days. Adam: "Just glad you didn't like the taste." Joan chortles a bit, saying, "Yeah, me too." They sit down to each other. The music playing in this scene is Lauren Hart's "I Might Be." Joan's a little teary, and tells him, "You know, I thought when you left..." She hesitates a long while before continuing, "That you had left me." Adam shakes his head slightly: "Nothing's ever been that easy with us, Joan." She says quietly, "Jane." He doesn't say anything. Joan says she didn't really want him to shake his booty. Adam chuckles weakly, saying, "That would have been ugly." Mmm, I'll be the judge of that, thanks. Joan: "I was just trying to figure out who I wanted to be. You know, like what kind of person. I didn't want anyone else to tell me." Adam knows. She asks, "Do you know who you are?" He replies, "I don't try to figure it out, really." She shrugs, saying maybe it's not important: "It's about what we do for each other, isn't it?" He looks at her, finally seeing something of the girl he fell in love with, and says, "Jane," almost inaudibly. They lean toward each other for a fairly chaste kiss. He says that he could call in sick and take off to Mercer Creek. Joan takes his hand, and says that Boozith's alone, and she should be there when she wakes up: "But we'll have plenty of time to spend together, right?" Let's hope so. Adam nods: "Yeah. Lots." Down the hall, Joan notices Mrs. LandingGod, working as a candy striper. She tells Adam she doesn't want him to be late, and that he should go. He takes off with a brief kiss.
Joan walks slowly over to Mrs. LandingGod, who gives Joan one of her sad, soulful looks over the top of her glasses. The music in this part of the scene is a song called "Can't Be Long," by The Enablers…founded by Barbara Hall. Joan has tears in her eyes as she says, "You should have been more specific." No response. Joan sighs. "You could have made me." Mrs. LandingGod says, "I can only point things out. Give you choices." Joan: "But what if I mess up again?" She squeezes her face up as the tears come. "I don't want to mess up again." Mrs. "Take A Chance On Me" LandingGod gestures for Joan to come to her, and Joan hugs her and cries as Mrs. LandingGod pats her back, and strokes her hair and shushes her gently. "Well I think I'll go / Down to the river / And let that water / Wash over me / Yes I think I'll go / Down to the river / And let that water / Wash over me / 'Cause it can't be long / You know it can't be long / Until my Lord / Remembers me…" The camera draws away slowly until the image is surrounded with black and the image keeps getting smaller and smaller and then it disappears in a tiny rectangular box in the middle of the screen. What's that about?