Episode Report Card 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT They're Everywhere
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 7 | Aired on 11.17.1999
Halliwell Manor. The hard Ps walk up the stairs to the attic, and Shannen’s "free bird" boobage comes right at me. I peek from behind my armchair to see Piper and Prue discussing their absentee father. Prue doesn’t miss him. Piper does. Prue finds a spell in the BoS to erase the Acassic-Records knowledge from Tommy’s brain. Piper thinks that plan will ensure Daddy Von Bulow’s death. Prue states that one person must die "for the greater good" flap flap flap. Piper, still doing my job for me: "Man, you can dress it up any way you want, but it still stinks." Word! And that includes dressing it up in a chartreuse boob sling! Go, Piper! The doorbell rings. Piper (natch) goes to answer it.
Foyer. It’s Dan. He asks if Piper is ready to go. He think-worries that she’ll back out. Piper assures him that she wants to go, but she’s not ready just yet. Phoebe and TTV come up behind Piper. Phoebe almost blurts something out about the Thugs, but mentions "hearing from the pizza guy" instead. She invites Dan in for the imaginary, non-ordered pizza. Dan think-whines that he wants to leave with Piper that instant. Piper tells Dan that she knows "what he’s thinking." She says she’ll be ready to leave in an hour. The Ps shut the door in his face. Dan thinks some lame punch line about how he never makes it "through that damn door." I’d like to send him through the damn door -- the one marked "STUDIO EXIT."
Parlor. The hard Ps try to give Phoebe the bad news that TTV’s Dad will have to be sacrificed to save the day. Phoebe snits off, thinking: You don’t even care. Realizing they can hear her, she apologizes for thinking it. In the next room, TTV checks his messages on the cell phone, to see if the Collectors have called. Um, couldn’t they just blip in? Just then, Dr. Thug calls him to arrange a meeting in the Oak Grove at Golden Gate Park. To convince him, Thug sticks his -- ahem -- finger needle in DVB’s head, so he’s briefly revived enough to say, "Tommy Tech Vest? Son? I feel so odd!" Phoebe walks in to talk to TTV. He asks her to make "some tea" for them first. She buys that he has been so totally emasculated. Sucker! TTV bolts. As he departs, the hard Ps hear him thinking about Golden Gate Park. The Halliwells follow him.
Kids, the Tobacco Council wants to remind you that smoking is dangerous. Dangerously expensive! You’ll use up money best spent on guitars and stereos. If you want cigarettes, trade them for sex or steal them from your folks.