Episode Report Card 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT They're Everywhere
By Owen | Season 2 | Episode 7 | Aired on 11.17.1999
Museum of Natural History, or rather, the Archive of Discarded Tales of the Gold Monkey Props. Day. Some professor is lecturing a bunch of students in a room full of display cases. I wonder if this is the museum where Prue worked in the series premiere, or if Phoebe has made good on her earlier threat to learn some "cool" stuff by taking classes, but this scene turns out to have nothing to do with the Halliwells at all and bored me to tears. Professor Two-Times (tm Goodfellas) is all: "Blah blah fabled book buried in the desert called the Acassic Records prattle prattle written account of all significant events throughout time yadda yadda powerful stuff -- could help you win the lottery, or tenure." Whatever, get back to your community college. The professor continues: "Everyone from Hera to Hitler has tried to locate the books wah wah to find them, to find them, one needs a map blather." Cut to Tommy Tech Vest standing near a large stone tablet, taking notes. The professor adds that whoever can break the code on the tablet will know the latitude and longitude of the records. The hieroglyphics on the tablet must include anvils, iron skillets, and baby grand pianos because Tommy Tech Vest suddenly exclaims, "That’s it!" and bolts out of there, nearly mowing down the prof. Nondescript Thug watches this.
Bay Ridge Convalescent Hospital, or rather, the Vegetable Patch-Up. Tommy Tech Vest is talking to his comatose father. TTV says he’s "cracked the map," and the results are all in his brain. He points to his head when he says this, so we’re clued in: either he’s a moron or he thinks the viewers are. Cut to Daddy Von Bulow, with his eyes rolled far back into his head. This character should have been named Owen to represent me on the show, instead of the frosted-tips guy two episodes ago, but I wasn’t asked. TTV tells SVB he’s worried that "they’ll come after me the way they came after you." Phoebe "Low Rent Nightingale" walks in carrying flowers and wearing a hot pink candy-striper smock. Now I know this is California and she’s only working around the comatose and she’s merely an unpaid volunteer, but I find it completely inappropriate that she’s sporting several long braided leather feather-ended roach clips in her hair. Phoebe the neurosurgeon tells TTV that he must believe his Dad can hear him, or he "wouldn’t be talking to him." Thus we know that TTV and Phoebe are destined to marry and mate and produce several little Ralph Wiggums. Thug Doctor walks into the room and asks if he can speak to TTV in private. Phoebe the Fulbright Scholar stands there for a moment, then points to the door with both arms and deciphers aloud, "Oh. Yeah. Right. Outside!" She leaves. Thug Doctor and Tommy Tech Vest argue about possibly moving SVB because he’s not recovering. TTV storms out, bumping into Pheebs in the hallway. She shudders and has a psychic vision of TTV being held down while someone sticks a large needle into his brain. She chases after him, but he’s vapor.
Halliwell Manor. Day. In the parlor, "Finally Got A Piece Of The" Piper Halliwell, in a pink t-shirt and a lavender blouse, is packing clothes into a suitcase. "Quid" Prue "Quo" Halliwell storms into the scene, wearing brown stretch pants and -- oh my god -- this retina-burning acid-green ribbed boob-sling halter top and um, "party hats" in lieu of a brassiere. She’s freaking because she thinks "Jack, the Internet Auction guy, might be a warlock," because the other day he was at the coffee place one second and the next second he appeared at the newsstand. She asks Piper where Pheebs is, because she wants to find a "warlock test." Piper tells Prue that Pheebs is at the hospital. Prue gives Piper grief about being a "warlock magnet," having dated Jeremy from the series premiere. Piper gives as good as she gets by bringing up Prue’s demonic co-workers at Buckland’s, Rex and Hannah. Prue drops it and says whatever and finally asks Piper why she’s packing. Piper says she’s going on an overnighter with Dan to his friend’s wedding. Prue, all Nosy Nora, asks Piper about the sleeping arrangements. Piper gives Prue some ass-kicking arrangements. Oops, really she says, "Those have not been decided." Prue just won’t let it go and pulls a black lace teddy out of Piper’s luggage and asks her if it’s a tennis dress. Hey, shut up, Ms. "Frederick’s of Hollywood Makes Corporate Attire, They Really Do." Piper grabs the nightie back from her. Prue asks Piper if she’s tested Dan to see if he’s a warlock. Piper hasn’t, because he hasn’t shown any signs -- "no cats have hissed at him, he hasn’t blinked, and he hasn’t tried to kill [her] or [her] sisters or steal [their] powers, which is a key indicator." Prue says she needs to get the Book of Shadows, grabs the nightie out of the suitcase and takes off with it. Um, Prue, is there even a name for this sexual psychosis you’re exhibiting? Piper wails, "Hah!" The doorbell rings. Piper whines, "Oh, I’LL GET IT." As I wonder if this line is a blatant shout-out to these recaps, Piper mouths, "Hey, Owen," points to herself, then the doorway, makes a jerking-off motion, shrugs her shoulders dramatically and opens the door.