Episode Report Card M. Giant: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Mole Patch II: Electric Whatever
By M. Giant | Season 3 | Episode 21 | Aired on 05.03.2004
Oh, God, here we go. This is just about the dumbest thing ever. It's 9:32:33, and Sherry Palmer is being led through the Keeler campaign headquarters, smiling pleasantly at everyone she passes. She comes into Keeler's office and they kiss-kiss, which jars a bit considering some of the unkind things he said about her on national television the night before. Lady Mac says she's there on a private matter, and Poor Man's Tim Russert just stands there until Keeler picks up his cue and asks him to leave, which he does. I wish he would stay, because then I wouldn't have to listen to this absurd conversation, let alone recap it. But the sooner I start, the sooner I can get out of this dentist's chair of a scene. Lady Mac comments on Keeler's lost endorsements, and Keeler blows it off as a daily fluctuation. That's the spirit. Lady Mac isn't buying it: "No, John, your campaign is imploding. By the time the press has a chance to analyze all the mistakes you made last night, you'll look like a desperate candidate gasping his last breath." Oh, what the hell ever. Could she be any more obvious about following the marketing principle of creating a need? Keeler doesn't have any more time for this nonsense than I do, but Lady Mac placates him: "I came here because I can guarantee you a win in November." Now she's got his attention, because he's an idiot. She leads with a disclaimer: "What I'm about to tell you, I'll deny to my grave if you try to hold it against me." Deny all you want, crazy lady. Keeler nods indulgently, and Lady Mac drops her bomb: "David Palmer is an accessory to murder." Keeler doesn't seem shocked, perhaps because he reads all the fringe political websites, so he just skeptically asks, "Whose murder?" Lady Mac tells him Alan Milliken. Keeler points out that Milliken died of a heart attack, and I must say that he certainly does keep abreast of news that doesn't involve the election. Lady Mac explains that she was the one who kept Milliken from reaching his nitroglycerine. I always had a problem with that as a murder method. I mean, how could she have been sure that withholding the medication would actually kill him? If he'd survived, she'd be in a mighty awkward position right now. Almost as awkward as the one she's putting herself in now, as a matter of fact.
In any case, Keeler gets serious in a hurry. He stands up to kick Lady Mac out of his office, which isn't as good as calling the police right there, but it's a start. Sadly, it's a false one, as he sits back down to hear Lady Mac out. What a moron. She continues: "David lied to the Chief of Police last night to provide an alibi for me and I can prove that he lied…Proof that the President of the United States lied to cover up a murder." Keeler wants to know what kind of proof. Lady Mac has Milliken's prescription bottle, "in a very safe place." Well, that's ironclad. Keeler leans forward, like he's explaining something to a small child: "You are talking about incriminating yourself. You would go to prison." Ladies and gentlemen, can I get a "Duh!"? Lady Mac says, "So would David…It's quite simple, John." No, it's not. "All you have to do is go to David, and tell him that you have this evidence…this medicine bottle with my prints on it, and I guarantee you, David will drop out of the race." Oh, for fuck's sake. If Palmer was the kind of guy who habitually gave in to personal blackmail and covered stuff up, she wouldn't have had anything to argue with him about in Season One and they'd still be married. But Keeler seems to buy it. He asks Lady Mac, "And for all of this…?" Lady Mac wants a position on the White House staff. "Nothing so high that it'll raise too many eyebrows," which in my opinion eliminates every job higher than White House Speed Bump. Keeler says, "All of this, for you to be a mid-level staffer in my administration?" Lady Mac says, "You and I both know that it would be a little more than that." Man, I don't know and I don't care. This just reeks of a desperate attempt to give Lady Mac something evil to do, with no regard for how ricockulous it may be or how weak her bargaining position really is. My only hope is that she's really doing this for Palmer and this is some ploy to suck Keeler into making a fatal mistake. Which, if it is, he's too stupid to be president anyway. In fiction, at least. ["No stupider than the fictional incumbent." -- Sars] It's 9:37:00.