Episode Report Card Erin: A | 48 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT Save the cheerleader. Save the -- wait, how does it go?
By Erin | Season 1 | Episode 5 | Aired on 2006.10.23
Zzzzzzzz -- what? Oh. Sorry. We're back with Matt and Mrs. Matt, so I thought it was nap time. I mean it. I hate this story. LOVE Grunberg, LOVE the show, want to KILL this story. Matt's wearing a tie and pouring wine and the table is set and the food is prepared and everything is lovely. Mrs. Matt enters and offers up a heartfelt "Wow." She asks what "all this" is and instead of just saying he wanted to treat her to a nice dinner, he starts rattling off all of these things that he clearly has heard in her mind; like, the Shiraz she mentioned that she liked when they went to Napa a million years ago, how she's been thinking about going back, porterhouse steaks that she's been craving, and that song she's had in her head for days? Well, he just happened to go and buy the disc for her! Like, it's kind of adorable how earnest he is, but, um, he could really be handling this all with a bit more finesse. He doesn't have to present her with the entire menu from the "Things I've Been Thinking About But Never Say" Restaurant. I'd be really creeped out by my husband if he started doing this. I'd definitely start locking my diary in a safe buried out in the yard.
Mrs. Matt doesn't know what to say, so Matt just tells her to say, "Pass the salad," and they both sit down at the table. Immediately, Mrs. Matt asks, "So, who is she?" And Matt's like, uh, nice. What, I can't have someone else cook dinner for my wife without it being an affair? She just kind of snarks that he was missing for a day and now this⦠Matt gets irritated and throws down his napkin. "Okay, sorry. I thought this was what you wanted." It was what she wanted, Matt. ONLY SHE DIDN'T TELL YOU SHE WANTED IT, SO NOW YOU'RE CREEPING HER OUT. She says as much when she's like, yeah, you've thought of everything. IN MY HEAD. "It's our best date," she says. "It'sâ¦our only date.." "â¦we've had in an long time," says Matt, finishing the sentence along with her. Yeah. He's got to knock that shit off. He makes a toast to many more creepy-ass mind-reading dates to come and she just moves over and straddles him and they start making out.
Jock the Rapist's Hospital Room of Rapery. Bad Glasses Man is in the doorway, watching Jock the Rapist as he sleeps. He enters and shuts the door, drawing the curtain partially closed. He sits on the bed and tells Jock that he's Claire's father and Jock says, "I know who you are -- you're the guy I'm gonna sue!" Oh, I really don't think so, there, Jock-o. BGM apologizes for the accident, and Jock angrily says that it wasn't an accident, that Claire crashed the car on purpose and that she's a non-human freak. "I'd put more stock in her humanity than I would yours," says BGM good-naturedly. Yeah. I don't think he's entirely good, but I wouldn't say he's entirely evil either. "You tried to rape my daughter," says BGM. Jock protests, but BGM just calmly informs him that it's her word against his and, from his perspective, Claire's the more reliable witness. Jock says that BGM doesn't know his own daughter and BGM says he knows her better than she even knows herself.