Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Zane's World
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.12.2005
GAH! ANY-way, the two babble out some expository nonsense about Phoebe's love troubles and their link or lack thereof to the late Avatar plot, Piper's fears about the Dolt's future now that the ever-useless Elders are certain to punish him for his role in said late Avatar plot, and Secretly INSANE Brody. "Where's [Raige] anyway?" Phoebe wonders. "I'm worried about her." Liar. "[Not!warts]," Piper replies, "where else?"
And look at that. As a few plaintive strings assault the soundtrack, we zing on over to the Not!warts Not-So-Great Hall, where Raige and the delightful Ann Cusack are reviewing applications for the recently vacated literature professor's position. Ann instantly rejects one from a Muse, as the Muse "will inspire them to write novels instead of reading them." Dim Raige should have realized this herself, of course, but didn't, because she's an idiot, which is why she never should have been named headmistress in the first place, but that's not important. What is important is that Liberace clawed his way out of his grave in Los Angeles and staggered zombie-like up the Interstate to San Francisco, where he found some way to dodge through Not!warts's magical protections just so he could vomit all over Raige's tits. Seriously. Beneath her black robe, Raige is wearing some tacky piece of BeDazzlered yellow garbage with so many gold sequins sprayed across the front of the thing that Bob Mackie would take one look at it and stroke out. Shut up, Raige's blouse. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. Long story short, Ann Cusack wants to be promoted out of the library to take over the literature class, and we find out that the position's actually been vacant since that stroppy wall-eyed midget ate several rounds of lead way back in November, and I can't worry about that particular bit of stupidity because a far larger one roars into the frame to take its place. No, I'm not talking about Billy Zane. Yet.
As the delightful Ann Cusack pleads her case, she suddenly glows and vanishes, only to reappear behind a bit of furniture on the far side of the room. As she staggers unsteadily to her feet from the psychic effort her trick evidently required, she explains that Mrs. Winterbourne "taught" the delightful Ann Cusack the power of astral projection before the former left the school on sabbatical, and yes, astral projection had previously been presented as something one is either born with or matures into, and no, it makes no sense that it is now a skill anyone with sufficient motivation can master, and yes, I hate this stupid, evil show because it sucks major amounts of ass, but let's keep the recap moving, shall we? "Trust me," a rather wobbly Ann Cusack assures Raige, "I am the best candidate for this job." And now Billy Zane roars into the frame. On a motorcycle, which leaps through a flash of distorted white light down the hall a bit to skid across the floor before slamming into and destroying a large table. "That's gonna leave a mark," Billy Zane notes a bit absently as Raige and Ann Cusack, who had leapt out of the way, warily approach him. "Who are you?" Ann demands, wielding a silver candlestick like a club. Heh. "I'm the new teacher!" Billy Zane grins. Raige and the delightful Ann Cusack wrinkle their noses in confusion as Billy Zane runs his fingers through his wildly unkempt wig before smirking his way into the opening credits.