Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Zane's World
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.12.2005
Meanwhile, atop the Golden Gate Bridge, the Dolt meditates or whatever as Elizabeth Dennehy orbs in with that asshole Elder from a few episodes ago. The two boys immediately whip their respective units out for a pissing contest, and I so do not care about this scene. Long story short, Elizabeth Dennehy warns the Dolt to "stay out of magical affairs." If he doesn't, he risks bringing down upon his head a punishment far more severe than the ones the ever-useless Elders already have planned for him. Or something like that. I'm reading a little too much into the dialogue, I think, but I do know this whole scene is just setting up something that won't happen for months, so again: Whatever. Next!
Back at the Manor, Phoebe descends the main stairs with a beaming, bemused smile on her face, for Drake's snapped himself into Gene Kelly's costume from the "Our Love Is Here To Stay" sequence along the Seine in An American In Paris and is currently jete-ing around the main hall in his penny loafers like the dancing fool he wishes he could be. "Lemme get this straight," Phoebe announces, making an unintentional funny, "you do musical theater as well?" Very few straight men do, Feebs, so you might not want to be zeroing in on this guy as a potential slampiece. As if to prove my point, Drake snaps his fingers again, and Phoebe's instantly transformed into Leslie Caron from the same scene -- stylish chignon, satin bow at her modest collar, white circle skirt, and all. If anyone but Billy Zane were playing Drake, I'd peg him as queer right now, but Zane's so insanely ambiguous about it all that I'll just assume these two will be knocking boots before February sweeps are over. Drake holds out his hand, and Phoebe sweeps down the remaining steps so the pair can sashay and soft-shoe their way through the ground floor for a bit before Drake finally wishes Phoebe a happy Valentine's Day. Phoebe, caught up in the moment, leans in for a kiss, but the bland, easy-listening fluff they're using in place of the correct Gershwin melody pulls that needle-dragging-off-the-album sound-effects shtick the second a suddenly appearing and off-screen Piper howls, "Get your paws off of her!"
Phoebe and Drake spin around to find a sickened and repulsed Piper glaring at them from the dining room. Heh. Raige, at her sister's side, is more pleasantly surprised, but shocked nonetheless. Phoebe immediately dissolves into a series of doofy giggles as she claims they "were just having fun." "With the demon?" Piper too-brightly chirps, advancing upon them with the Hands Of Discontent at the ready. "How many times have I told you not to play dress-up with the demons?" And look at how well she listens to you, Piper. Blow her up. Now. Piper ignores me as Drake again protests his innocence and wah, but the upshot of the exchange that follows is this: Piper's convinced Raige that hiring any demon, regardless of his current status, would not be in the best interests of the Not!warts student body. Phoebe reluctantly agrees. "This is all wrong," Drake scoffs. "The problem here isn't me -- it's you three. You've been shaken to the core by what's happened with the Avatars." Phoebe shoots him an "oh, no he di'int!" look as Drake continues, addressing Raige, "You've just lost faith in yourself." "And you," he adds, turning to Phoebe, "you've been disheartened by the fight." "And you?" he finishes, leveling his gaze on Piper. "You, sweetheart, are just plain mean." Hee. Piper, despite herself, releases a burst of laughter at this before warning him to watch himself, and Raige's accompanying snickering goes on for just a few seconds too long. Snert. Drake rails some more against closing down your heart, or something, before snapping his fingers again, transforming himself into Robin Hood, Phoebe into Maid Marian, and Piper and Raige into two of the Merry Men. No, it makes no sense. None whatsoever. At all. But Billy Zane's so fucking exuberant about the overwhelming cheesiness of it all, we'll just have to go with it, I suppose. Raige, supremely annoyed, vows to hire him just so she can fire him. "Do we look merry to you?" an equally irritated Piper snorts. Drake, rapidly talking around them, babbles something supposedly relevant about Robin Hood's own struggles, but the logic of his argument is as nonexistent as the stupid Manor attic, so whatever. Phoebe, in a truly hideous long auburn wig, falls for it all anyway and coos at Drake for a bit before receiving a death glare from Piper. "You better change us back," Phoebe suggests, instantly dropping her schmoop. Drake reluctantly snaps his fingers, and Piper calls for a processing summit in the kitchen the instant she's back in her normal clothes.
As the ladies round the corner and disappear into the other room, Roché squiggles silently into the hall behind Drake, who's still dressed as Robin Hood. "I thought they'd never leave," Roché sneers as he stalks around Drake in a circle. The camera pulls an irritatingly shuddery spin around Drake's look of surprise and dismay before cutting over to the kitchen for a brief and unnecessary exchange amongst the gals. Back in the main hall, Roché smarms something instantly forgettable before the camera cuts again to the kitchen, where Piper accuses Raige of waffling just as the sounds of demonic hijinks reach their ears. Roché's slammed Drake through a side table and intones the following as Drake glows red: