Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Together Again
By M. Giant | Season 4 | Episode 8 | Aired on 02.06.2005
Commercials, including some guy standing in front of the downtown L.A. skyline. He says, "Hi, my name is Kiefer Sutherland." Huh. Wouldn't have known that. The real Kiefer would like us to know that "the American Muslim community stands firmly beside their fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism. So when watching 24, please bear that in mind." Unless you want to wind up on the internet in an orange jumpsuit, he doesn't conclude.
2:16:13. DoDder and Kiefer are still en route back to Casa Patch, a trip that's taking twice as long as Soul Patch's arrival last week. A lot of people on the boards complained about how unlikely it was that Soul Patch arrived within seven minutes of Kiefer's call, but I was reserving judgement until I saw how far away he lived. Yahoo! Maps says North Hollywood (for that is where Soul Patch lives these days) is only ten minutes from Burbank, so it's theoretically possible that Soul Patch could have made it by speeding, running red lights, and ignoring stop signs. Given what we learn later, I think it's more surprising that he didn't shoot his way into the place wearing his bathrobe. Oh, yeah, the rest of the split screen: TerrorDad is still working the phone, and AIIIEEEE!sha is working a thumbnail. The Patchmobile pulls up to a curb and everyone hops out. Everyone except DoDder, I mean, who waits for Kiefer to open the door for her. This isn't a date, lady. You think Kiefer takes all his girlfriends to shootouts? Actually, don't answer that. We're not in an especially fancy neighborhood, and as Soul Patch leads them up to the front door he warns, "Watch your step. The dog next door likes our lawn." That metaphor would have worked better in the third season.
Soul Patch lets them into the house, and Kiefer starts checking behind doors. Rude, much? A dark-haired woman comes out of a room behind Kiefer, and he's got his gun out and in her face before she can react. Bad guest! Bad! The woman starts to freak. Soul Patch steps up to defuse the situation, introducing the woman as "my friend, Jen." As if we're going to even consider calling her anything other than Skank of Soul Patch. Kiefer holsters his weapon and apologizes to everyone. Soul Patch thought SoSP was working, and she says she decided to go in late. Which I guess explains why Soul Patch didn't warn Kiefer that some random chick was going to come bursting out at him any second. SoSP recognizes DoDder from the news, with which she is surprisingly up to date considering the outfit and the amount of eye makeup she's wearing. She wants to know what's going on, and she's not being especially pleasant about it. I'll cut her a little slack, since Kiefer didn't make the best first impression. "We need to use Soul Patch's computer," he explains. "What, they don't have computers where you work?" SoSP bitches. Soul Patch says they just need to lie low for a while. "Whatever," SoSP says. "I'm leaving anyway." Kiefer calls Soul Patch's name, backing up in front of SoSP while blocking her route to the door. Soul Patch says that she can't leave. "Why not?" she wants to know. Because they're all so enchanted by your beguiling company? Soul Patch and Kiefer try to explain that nobody can know where Kiefer and DoDder are and they can't take the chance of SoSP leaving. "What chance?" she demands. "I work at a bar." Color me flabbergasted. Kiefer promises they won't be long. "Stay as long as you want," she snaps. "I have a job. He doesn't." Soul Patch looks at her, wondering exactly what that was meant to be apropos of. You hear that zipping sound? That was the sound of SoSP using up the last of the slack I cut her. DoDder steps in and takes SoSP aside for a second of girl talk. Soul Patch apologizes to Kiefer. "No, she seems real sweet," Kiefer deadpans. Heh.