Episode Report Card Demian: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The Second)
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 23 | Aired on 05.10.2003
Bridal Boudoir. Piper mopes on the bed. The Dolt orbs in, clad in one of those hideous gold-toned velour robes favored by the ever-useless Elders. Schmoopiness ensues. Yawn. The two eventually head out into the hallway, where they're met by the Freaky Tiny Iguana Lady. She promptly curtsies respectfully. Piper testily assures Iguana Lady that, despite appearances to the contrary, her husband's not an Elder. Iguana Lady's not buying it, but holds her tongue. She watches the marrieds continue down the stairs, practically glowing from having been in the Dolt's magnificent presence. Ew.
Parlor. Tedious, endless Dolt pep talk. At the end of it all, the Dolt flares up in this heavenly golden glow. Ick. Piper eyes her newly promoted husband with a mixture of suspicion, denial, and dismay.
P3, because they've used up all of the other sets already, so they might as well cut over to this one again, yes? Bogtrotter and Bitch Tits smear in through the ceiling, stalk through the bar, sense the Dolt's presence at the Manor, and prepare to smear out again.
Bridal Boudoir. The Players: Piper, the Dolt, and the Gay Chrises, both Tiny and Big. Piper insists, "You're not an Elder, [Dolt]! Tell [Big Gay Chris] you're not an Elder!" Big Gay Chris and the Dolt urge her to join her sisters downstairs, as the Titan's final attack is imminent. Piper refuses to leave the room until her husband denies his, uh, Elderhood, or whatever the fuck it is. The Dolt sadly replies that he can't do that. Piper screams, in the process taking her frustrations out on her big gay son with a massive burst of free-floating Earth Goddess telekinesis. Big Gay Chris flies through the air to vanquish the closet door with his ass. No, I am not making that up. The Dolt hovers over Chris, determines that he'll be okay, congratulates Piper on accessing her goddess power, and sends her downstairs to battle the Titans.
Down on the sun porch, Bogtrotter and Bitch Tits smack Phoebe and Raige around with a little telekinetic mojo of their own. Piper swirls onto the sun porch from above in a cloud of dead leaves. The Bs hurl electricity and flame at -- get this -- her womb. Sweet Jesus. Earth Goddess Piper's Super Uterus chews up the Titan wickedness and spits it right back out. "It's not nice to piss off Mother Nature," she intones with a slight arch of her brow. She calmly spreads wide her arms, and a gaping hole opens up in the sun porch floor. After encountering Earth Goddess Piper's Super Uterus, I'm sad to say that the hole in the floor resembles nothing so much as it does a giant reverse birth canal leading straight down into Hell. And now that I've noticed that, I can no longer bear to look at this scene. The Giant Reverse Birth Canal Leading Straight Down Into Hell swallows a chandelier shaken loose from its mooring, then a cabinet, and then, finally, Bogtrotter and Bitch Tits. Raige helps that last bit along by aiming her trident at their feet, hacking away with lightning bolts the final bits of flooring that kept the Titans out of The Giant Reverse Birth Canal. Once Bogtrotter and Bitch Tits have vanished for good, Piper seals up The Canal To Hell. Phoebe, by the way, contributed absolutely nothing to that battle. Figures.