Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT "Shiver Me Bitches!"
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.02.2004
Trudeau Memorial. Pepper Anderson confirms via the phone that Kerr "I Am NOT Gay" Smith really is "Agent Brody" of "Homeland Security," and God. I don't have the strength. Homeland Security? Investigating the supernatural? Christ on a stick. "What division?" the Doormat demands. "The classified one," Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, snots. And it just gets worse. That completely implausible blood sample? Becomes outright impossible. You see, it has "a triple helix," and the "plasma, platelets, [and] Rh factors" are "all incredible." Okay, so whose fucking blood is it? It can't be from any of the Manor Morons, because if witches have triple helixes with fucked-up plasma and platelets and such, they wouldn't be able to reproduce with mortals. And it can't be demonic, for the exact same reason. And it can't be Big Gay Chris's, partly because he vanished from the Bridal Boudoir three months ago according to this show's timeline, but mainly because the idiots responsible for this mess want us to forget he ever existed. AND on top of it all, Pepper could not have collected a sample in the first place, for reasons mentioned earlier. So this plot point? Sucks. ASS. Whatever. Filler episode! That's what this is, right? Filler? I hate this show. "Someone messed up," Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, asserts. "You were not supposed to find that blood." Pepper is shocked and appalled. And clueless. Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, prompts the Doormat to explain the non-human origins of the sample to his partner. The Doormat plays dumb. Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, whatevers that he's not after the Doormat, and crosses to exposit regarding tonight's A-plot that the missing women the police "are ignoring" follow "a pattern that stretches back decades." "Barbados, Panama, Newfoundland, New Orleans," he enumerates, "and now here." Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, then blows Pepper's mind by dropping the witch bomb. She wonders if this means the Glamorous Ladies aren't human. Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, assures her they are, and that the sample came from something else. But that's not important right now. What is important is that Kerr Smith, Who Is Not Gay, has been attempting to prove his theories "for years now," and hopes to catch the Ps in the act. Pepper wonders how he intends to do that. "Got any golden chalices lying around?" the fifteen-year-old Homeland Security agent (Who Is Not Gay) asks.
There's a gorgeous time-lapse shot of fog racing past the Golden Gate Bridge before we cut back into La Cueva Del Booty. Phoebe and Piper pick their way through the chamber, with Phoebe toting a rather conspicuous potion vial. "Maybe [Raige] scared them away," Piper offers. "Pirates don't run from fights," Phoebe sniffs. "They lure you into them." The gals eventually stumble across poor, gravely injured, terrified, badly dressed, soon-to-be-dead Brenda, who's aged about sixty years since last we saw her. No, I'm not kidding with that. They hired eightysomething former burlesque performer Gloria LeRoy, slung her into a pair of handcuffs and a larger version of that hideous top Young Brenda was wearing, and stuck her on the shelf for this scene. Poor, gravely injured, terrified, badly dressed, soon-to-be-dead, and rilly rilly old Brenda hangs on long enough to reveal that Harrr!ve's athame is responsible for her current condition, and warns Piper and Phoebe to save Raige while they still can. Then, Brenda The Rilly Rilly Old Dyke drops dead. Piper and Phoebe spend not a second mourning the loss of an innocent, instead spinning to flee the cave and ending up...