Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT "Shiver Me Bitches!"
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.02.2004
...Not!warts, where Raige and her failing eyesight peer futilely at various potion bottles as Piper arrives with a bit of information on Harrr!ve. "I think I found something!" Piper calls from halfway across the room. "Haaahnh?" Raige grunts, for she's losing her hearing as well. Oy. Piper approaches with a convenient volume opened to an entry for the pirate in question, from which she notes, "He tricked a witch into falling for him in the eighteenth century so she could give him immortality." Piper goes on to relate that Harrr!ve "cut her heart out with the same athame she used to curse him." Raige, losing what's left of her scattered mind along with her sight and her hearing, has difficulty following the conversation, but she attributes this to concern for poor, gravely injured, terrified, badly dressed, soon-to-be-dead Brenda, whom, you'll recall, Raige left with the pirates instead of ORBING HER THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAVE. Whatever! Raige mumbles something about "the gathering storm" before turning her rapidly dwindling attention back to the potions she's mixing. Phoebe jiggles in at this moment with a cheery "Yo-ho, hello!" "Did you just call me a ho?" Piper eyebrows. Okay, so I added a little emphasis to the line that was not present in Holly Marie Combs's reading of same. Sue me. "How'd you get here?" Piper continues. "A pirate never betrays his secrets," Phoebe stupidly replies. Piper shoots Phoebe A Look, when Piper should be shooting Phoebe with her Hands Of Discontent. "[The Dolt] orbed me," Phoebe finally admits, dropping the silly pretense before encouraging Piper to ask her anything at all about "buccaneers." Because Phoebe's an expert on the topic now that she's talked to Nick Lachey about it. Stupid show.
In any event, the two banter pointlessly about Phoebe's "date" that evening until Raige clumsily drops a couple of bottles to the marble floor, where they shatter like bombs. Piper and Phoebe race to their addled half-sister's side to discover that Raige now also has Parkinson's Disease on top of everything else. No, seriously. She's quaking like Janet Reno on some prime Coral Gables trailer-park crystal meth. "Maybe that athame did more damage than we thought," Piper posits. You think? I mean, you just read about the fucking thing in that fucking book you were fucking holding, so yeah, maybe it did do more damage than you initially thought, seeing as how it was CURSED and all. Raige distractedly heads to a nearby sofa to rest for a bit as her worried siblings look on.