Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT "Shiver Me Bitches!"
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.02.2004
Back from the break, Harrr!ve barks, "You wouldn't just orb out and leave an innocent stranded, would you, witch?" Well, no, Harrr!ve, she wouldn't, because she'd orb out with the fucking innocent. If she had a brain, which she doesn't, so whatever. "You look like you've been out to sea for quite some time," Raige sasses, still not orbing out of there with Brenda. "Three hundred years," Harrr!ve exposits, "in a place beyond time and space. Only when the mystical fog rolls in do we get a chance to come and play in fairrr porrrt cities like your own." "I would have chosen London," Raige airily replies, still not orbing the fuck out of there with poor Brenda, leading Harrr!ve to peeve that London contains neither the Charmed Ones nor the "treasure" the Charmed Ones can procure for him. At this juncture, Raige says something stupid, instead of orbing the fuck out of there with poor, gravely injured Brenda. "When the gathering storm arrives here," Harrr!ve sneers, "will you be making jokes then?" Raige snips that she doesn't "speak pirate" while still not orbing the fuck out of there with poor, gravely injured, terrified Brenda. "This is not pirate lore," Harrr!ve snorts. "This is something very real and very dangerous, and I don't intend to be stuck here when it arrives." Scurvy Cur flashes the cursed dagger in front of Raige's face. Still not orbing the fuck out of there with poor, gravely injured, terrified, badly dressed Brenda -- but making terrific use of her orbing telekinesis! -- Raige summons a sword from one of the other guys and guts Scurvy Cur with the thing. Well, actually, Rose McGowan slides the blade into the gap between Michael Rodgers's arm and his chest, and is really obvious about doing so, but whatever. Because this whole episode is a shameless rip-off of Pirates Of The Caribbean, Scurvy Cur does not immediately howl and wail and blaze his merry way down to Hell, for he cannot die. Harrr!ve whisks the tip of the dagger across Raige's collarbone to draw a thin line of blood because Raige has still not orbed the fuck out of there with poor, gravely injured, terrified, badly dressed, soon-to-be-dead Brenda. "That's gonna leave a mark," Harrr!ve eyebrows as Raige finally orbs the fuck out of there. Without poor, gravely injured, terrified, badly dressed, soon-to-be-dead Brenda, for you shall not suffer fantasy-fodder lipstick lesbians to live. On the WB.
Scurvy Cur howls something about letting Raige get away. Harrr!ve wheels on him with expository threats and such, and I have to tell you, none of this makes any goddamned sense the second time around. It was entertaining enough the first time through, but knowing what I know now, the plot holes are just gaping. F'rinstance, Harrr!ve asks Scurvy Cur about the latter's luck in procuring "the golden chalice." Scurvy Cur admits to his failure, but the thing's in a museum, as we shall soon learn, and these guys are, more or less, corporealized ghosts who travel in the fog, so it should be no problem for them to wisp their way into the building, off a few guards, break into the chalice's display case, and abscond with the thing to dissolve into the nighttime mists, but whatever. I can't spend all season getting bogged down in this bullshit. Harrr!ve growls his way through the end of this bit, and he's far too good for this material, but I'm not going to be paying much attention to the rest of his scenes because, come on. He's a guest actor we'll never see again, and his plotline sucks. Poor Harrr!ve.