Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Crappily Ever After
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 09.28.2002
Attic. The Big Bad-Ass -- and yes, it's back in wolf's clothing, so to speak -- snarls and snaps at the Dolt, who stands off to one side with the Woodsman's axe, pretending to be threatening. "[Woof woof]," quoth the wolf, according to the closed captioning. The Big Bad-Ass leaps for the open Big Book Of Fairy Tales on the sofa. The Dolt, belatedly realizing that the Big Book functions as a sort of portal, screams, "No!" As the Big Bad-Ass flies through the air, it suddenly explodes, sending Piper and Grams tumbling to the floor. You'd expect them to be slathered in wolf guts, would you not? And you'd be wrong. Piper and Grams gather themselves from the carpet and reveal to the Dolt that Piper blew up the Big Bad from inside. Cole smears on into the background with the FrankenFeebs pumpkin, swearing he had nothing to do with the evening's hijinks. Piper realizes the only way to confront Cloris directly is by donning Little Red's hood and entering the Big Book Of Fairy Tales herself. Grams passes her the vial of vanquish and proudly grins, "Go on. Show her who's the most powerful witch of all." Aw. Grams and Piper share A Moment; then Piper places a hand on her Big Book, vanishing downwards into the swirling text.
Fairy Aerie. Little Rusty taunts Cloris from the Mirror Mirror for a bit before Piper whirls into the room. Piper wastes little time in flinging the vial of vanquish at Cloris's feet. And yes, as a poisonous cloud envelops Cloris's body and little bits of her drop to the floor, Cloris shrieks, "I'm melting! Meelllll-tiiiiing!" The Estate Of Margaret Hamilton speed-dials its lawyer to file a misappropriation-of-image lawsuit as Little Rusty smirks triumphantly, like, ass. You did nothing to effect this outcome, so shut the hell up. As melted Cloris seeps through the cracks in the flagstone, Little Rusty smears out of Mirror Mirror, and the various errant artifacts materialize upon their proper podiums. Long story short, with the death of Grampy, Little Rusty is now the new trustee at Fairy Aerie. Everything should be back to normal in Piper's world, save for the fact that one of the Lucite pumps is missing. Rusty interprets its absence to mean that FrankenFeebs's story has yet to meet with some sort of resolution. Piper nods her head around, then wonders how she's supposed to return to the Manor. Rusty gets an impish grin on his face and fetches a pair of ruby slippers for her. Check the book, idiots. The slippers were silver. MGM switched colors for the movie because ruby read better in Technicolor. Rrrgh.
Manor. The Seven Ethnically Diverse Dwarves break down the glass anti-decomposition bier and prepare to hi-ho their stumpy little asses out of there. Raige demands to know how she ended up in a coffin. Grams: "You were dead, dear. But bright side? At least we now have something in common." Ha! Lead Dwarf suggests that Raige get herself a boyfriend should something like this happen again, then reminds them all to expect a bill for services rendered. And with that, we bid farewell to the Seven Ethnically Diverse Dwarves as Phoebe and Cole descend the staircase. Phoebe's back in what passes as normal clothing for her -- a midriff-baring button-down pink blouse with plunging neckline and ruffled accents. Cole's still in his tux. Piper materializes in a copyright-infringing shimmering spiral of glowing pixie dust, after which the ruby slippers warp back to the Fairy Aerie of their own accord. Grams grins at a job well done, and announces her departure. This news meets with the expected protestations from the Glamorous Ladies, but Grams insists. Lessons learned? Let's see: Piper didn't need Grams's help as much as she needed Grams to remind her that she's strong enough to handle any given situation on her own; Raige has room in her heart for more than one grandmother; and Phoebe's a self-serving bitch. Grams crosses to the Dolt's side and takes his hand. Why do we love Grams so much? Because instead of spouting some tedious mouthful of crap like "Blessed be" by way of goodbye, she comes up with a heartfelt "Be safe, my darlings." Atta girl. Grams and the Dolt orb back to Whitelighterland.