Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Crappily Ever After
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 09.28.2002
FrankenFeebs clomps across a street in her hateful, spiteful monstrosity, halting traffic as she goes, turning all who gaze upon her to stone. Kidding with that last bit. And look at that -- we have cooter, ladies and gentlemen! Unfortunately, that's no joke. Raige trails along uselessly behind FrankenFeebs until they reach the opposite sidewalk. The Lucite pumps clomp to a halt as a couple of horses drag a white carriage up to the curb. Cue the blaring fanfare of the regal trumpets. FrankenFeebs addresses the driver, who remains silent. The carriage door pops open of its own accord, and the Lucite pumps drag FrankenFeebs inside. Raige attempts to follow, but some sort of force field propels her backwards onto her ass. The carriage pulls away with the FrankenFeebs shouting instructions from the open window. Raige is to return to the Manor. Phoebe will summon the Dolt should the situation warrant.
Attic. Raige frets about the well-being of the FrankenFeebs. Piper glums that if what the Dolt learned is true, they're all in trouble. The ever-useless Elders have managed to yank a bit of helpful exposition out of their collective ass this time around. If Cloris succeeds, she will "corrupt" the fairy tales "for every future generation." Raige wonders how this is possible, as the tales have been in print for centuries. Turns out "every copy is a manifestation of the original," which was entrusted to Grampy for safe-keeping. Yes, you heard that correctly: No Brothers Grimm, no Hans Christian Andersen, no publishing empires built on children's literature, no Shelley Duvall as Mother Goose, and best of all, no Harvey Fierstein as the Sissy Duckling. Every single extant copy of every single fairy tale emanates from the same source, hidden away in a castle atop an Alp. And the eye-rolling was great throughout the land. Raige proposes that they orb on over to Grampy's museum and kick some wicked butt. The Dolt reveals they can't -- the location of Grampy's museum has been kept secret for security purposes, even from The Powers That Be. Raige tosses the long-suffering audience a shout-out by asking, "Where was their infinite wisdom on the day that was decided?" Preach it, honey. Piper, uncharacteristically addled, declares the situation hopeless. Grams, surprised, reminds Piper that she can scry for Cloris just as she would for any other evil entity. Once Piper's located her, all they need do is vanquish her with a potion, which Grams intends to brew with Raige's assistance. Grams and Raige depart with the Book of Shadows while Piper tries to convince the Dolt that everything's fine. She fails. Piper scries for Cloris as the Dolt eyes her warily, convinced the icky pregnant-lady hormones are wreaking havoc with her brain. Are none of the writers currently on staff actual women? If there are a couple of XXs running around the place, do they really ascribe to the notion that icky girl hormones can sap otherwise competent women of their abilities? Should I even bother asking?
I hate this show.