Episode Report Card Demian: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Crappily Ever After
By Demian | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 09.28.2002
The camera tracks back from Piper and her scrying crystal to bubble back through Mirror Mirror. Little Rusty gleefully announces that Piper is certain to discover Cloris's whereabouts before midnight. Cloris casually snips a lock of hair from her head while insisting that she wants Piper to find her. Cloris slips the lock into Little Red's riding hood as Rusty puzzles over this latest development. You see, hair-stuffed riding hoods don't really mesh with the original story. Cloris darkly reminds him that luring Little Red away from the house is a part of the tale, as is a bad-ass wolf.
Over in the St. Regis ballroom, violinists saw away at the waltz from Die Fledermaus while various extras stagger gracelessly about the dance floor. The only couple who can actually waltz appears to be a pair of sixtysomethings over by the buffet table. It's sad. Freddie Prinze Charming Junior surveys the crowd and anxiously checks his watch. Across the hall, FrankenFeebs bellows her clomping way through a cluster of guests to land at the top of the stairs. Rather than ordering security to remove the unspeakably-clad monstrosity from the benefit by any means necessary, Prinze Charming excuses himself from a clot of donors and hustles to FrankenFeebs's side. They flirt with each other as the FrankenFeebs assures him she's there alone. Not so fast, FrankenFeebs. Cole appears behind Prinze Charming, looking mighty fine in a tux of his own, and wonders why Phoebe decided to attend. Phoebe spits something nasty about Cole knowing very well why she's there, adding, "These boots may be made for walking, but they're not walking back to you!" Cole clearly believes that Phoebe is now insane. Prinze Charming suggests they head off to the bar, sans the ex-husband, and FrankenFeebs agrees. Cole calls for them to hold up for a minute, and now it's Prinze Charming's turn to snap at him. He threatens Cole with bodily harm should Cole try to muscle in on his hideous monstrosity of a date. Cole cocks his head, instantly aware that Prinze Charming's suffering the effects of some sort of spell, and responds to the threat of bodily harm with a wrenching twist of Prinze Charming's demonically-possessed arm. The FrankenFeebs breaks up the pissing contest and drags Prinze Charming off to the bar, over Cole's protests.
Manor kitchen. Grams drops the final ingredient into the pot of Cloris vanquish, which agreeably erupts into a cloud of smoke and sparks. Color Raige impressed. Grams whipped up the whole thing without once consulting the Book. "Honey," Grams grins, "I wrote the Book. Well, all the good potions, anyway." She asks Raige to fetch an empty vial from the cabinet. As Raige does so, she's inexplicably drawn to the poisoned apple perched in the fruit bowl. Of course, it probably helps that the apple tosses a little enticement her way by means of a sparkly flare, but whatever. Grams yanks Raige out of her reverie to opine that resigning from THE BLACK HOLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES was the best thing Raige could do at this point in her witchy career. Raige is surprised that Grams knows about THE BLACK HOLE and her resignation therefrom. Grams confesses to peeking in on Raige from time to time. Raige takes offense at this, reminding Grams that she, Raige, already had a grandmother she loved very much. Raige feels Grams is forcing both herself and this mentor relationship upon Raige, and Raige would very much appreciate it if Grams would back the hell off. Grams, with refreshingly little drama, insists that she understands she could never replace Raige's adoptive grandmother. However, Raige just might have a little place in her heart for Grams as well, yes? Someday, perhaps? Raige caves. "Well, at least I know where I get my stubbornness from." The two chuckle kindly at each other. Where have I heard all of this before, hmmm? They've completely abandoned slutty, free-spirit Raige in favor of turning her into Prue II: Attack Of The Indifferently Coiffed Clone With The Lousy Dye Job, haven't they? Okay, that's a little unfair. Raige actually looks quite fetching in this scene. In any event, Grams pockets the finished vial while Raige crosses to fetch another couple of bottles for Phoebe and Piper. Unfortunately, Raige finds herself yanked sideways by the gravitational pull of the poisoned apple.