Episode Report Card Alex Richmond: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Crossing Over and Out
By Alex Richmond | Season 2 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.01.2003
Count Chocula looks out of his window at the big old crazy ship that's swallowed his. T'Pol walks in and Count Chocula, desperate to create conflict in this boring boring show, starts yelling at her. "It's like we're in the belly of the beast!" Or in the middle of Cocoon IV: The Old Get Young Some More. T'Pol is all, "We have no idea their intentions are hostile." This ep reminds me of that TNG ep when Wesley (a.k.a. "Shut Up And Get Off The Bridge") had a stupid petri dish project that grew, and they had to find out how they lost a few days, and Data was all, dudes? Don't even worry about it, dudes. And the Captain was all, Data's a LIAH! Why is he LYING to us! All I'm saying is, T'Pol is like a wet potato chip when you'd think she'd be trying to get to the bottom of this issue.
Count Chocula yells at her some more about getting the engines and weapons back online (we heard you the first time, scary cereal spokesperson), then asks why she came to see him. Well, Sato is trying to communicate with the life forms, and the crew is "concerned but calm." Count Chocula just says he's "got to get them out of here." Who? The crew? The light blobs? Now I know why I don't watch this show.
Tucker dramatically takes his post in the engine room, and a light blob comes up and just straight-up enters him. No dinner, no flowers, no foreplay. Just wham blam, in his head, ma'am. Tucker gets blank, then calls a dark-haired guy "sir" and walks right out of Engineering. Dark-Hair calls the Count right away. Tattletale. Count Chocula hails Tucker, but gets no response. Then he tells T'Pol grimly, "Find him." T'Pol rolls her eyes, then starts tapping away on the keyboard. Wow, me and Keckler are kind of like T'Pol, right?
Space Cafeteria, where everything costs $19.99. Tucker is, um, tucking away an ice cream sundae. There's a whole big old spread laid out in front of him. Count Chocula, T'Pol, and British Guy walk in with those actorly looks on their faces and heads cocked like, "Ooh, this is odd. A man...is eating." Tucker identifies himself to them ("Charles Tucker III"), then asks if Count Chocula has "ever eaten this before." It's a piece of white bread. That's kind of hilarious. Count Chocula is all, "It's bread." White bread, to be precise. It's a metaphor. Remember how the original series was so fucking cool? And this is just nutritionless white bread. Sigh. I'm starved for nutrients, y'all. Anyway, the blob of light is totally occupying Tucker's body, and Tucker is out there somewhere exploring the blob's world. Count Chocula cocks his giant head, walks stage right, and says he "wants him back right now." Tucker/Blob says that "he is no longer corporeal, but he will be." Swear? Well, okay. Enjoy your white bread! Later. Just kidding. British Guy steps up and says he saw a blob of light (or "wisp of vapor") enter Tucker when they were standing outside in their space suits. British Guy? You don't need to spell it out. We're all with you. Some of us may even be ahead of you. Tucker/Blob is all, "'Wisp.' What an interesting word. Wisp. Wissssp." Oh my fucking god. Tucker/Blob is all, youse guys are faascinatings! With "bodies that need maintenance...you have gender...you require mates to reproduce...you eat food!" So, the light blobs are just checking out their "ancestors." I'm so sure we can evolve past mating and food. We can't even evolve past jealousy, or war. Count Chocula goes on the offensive and says, "Give me back my crewman," but he says it like "Silverman" or "Doberman" instead of with the accent on both syllables. Tucker/Blob is all, open your mind, man!
Okay, we're back from commercial, and Count Chocula is looking out the window at the stars. So, the ship is free now. That's, um, nice. He whirls around and demands to know about Tucker. Tucker/Blob sits in front of his white-trash buffet spread and says he's "enjoyed [his] time with [him]." Then, blob entry/exit/re-entry. Then Tucker's back, and boy howdy, did he have a good old time, riding horses with Hopalong Cassidy, and raking leaves with his dad when he was eight or nine, but it was as real as he's sitting there, and hey, they all should try it! They said everyone could try it! Go on, try it, Cap'n! One Tucker to Sick Bay, stat. Count Chocula leans in to T'Pol and whispers, "Something smells funny." Is it the stale white bread? T'Pol is all, they released the ship, so chill. Hey, Data? Go and run those tests again, 'kay?