Episode Report Card Rachel Stein: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Far, Far Away
By Rachel Stein | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 05.06.2012
And speak of the devil, here are the Gorgas now! And the Wakiles, too! Jacqueline tells the cameras that Joe is insecure and Teresa is playing with fire, and then we all go downstairs to say hello and kiss each other's tan cheeks while Juicy and Rich have a stare-off in sunglasses.
Over at the Manzo mansion, Lauren is making a breakfast shake while Caroline talks to her about the new diet. Day one was a killer, as any Biggest Loser contestant will confirm. (Just don't try to run a mile, girl!) Did you know that in the span of this one day of this weight loss journey, she's somehow lost five pounds, went shopping and fit into two different size eights? Caroline's like, "You go girl!" And Lauren is like, "I am losing this weight because I believe that you'd be as openly proud of me as you are of Albie and Chris if I was skinny... and rich! I also want to be rich," to which Caroline replies, "You go girl! The boys have this excellent black water that should help with all of those things you just said, probably."
Back at the Shore, Rosie's here! Oh Rosie, you so crazy. Everyone is heading off to the boat, which Rich jokes might soon be repossessed, and the little kids go off to play in the middle of the street as Aunt Rosie supervises. The Giudice girls throw themselves into traffic more than once. The adults shoot the shit, with Melissa revealing off-camera that she likes Jacqueline but doesn't like-like her because she's stupid enough to be Teresa's friend. And then Jacqueline spills the beans about Caroline's budding menopause, which Teresa clearly finds delightful, as "that explains why she's been such a bitch lately."
I can't be bothered with that ridiculous assertion, because PIZZA IS HERE for the kids. Gia cries that Antonia hates her and Rosie forces the girls to hug. Hilariously, Kathy's grown children are bored out of their goddamn minds. I kid you not when I say Joseph, 15, is literally just ripping apart a napkin at this point.
Some drinks later, Teresa is going on about how fabuliciously charming it is that Caroline has menopause, which even Juicy is smart enough to realize needs to stop. Instead, he goes the route of bringing up his black eye. Everyone puts the Giudices in their impossibly already low places, which Joe points out is a long time coming.
Manzo mansion. Lauren and her boyfriend are cooking a delicious stuffed chicken dish for everyone, and a meal of one single strip of lettuce for her. Poppa Albert, for some ungodly reason, is like, "Look at the bright side, you fatty! If you two have kids, they're also going to be fat!" and everyone laughs but is slightly horrified... though Caroline makes it a point to tell us that she really believes her daughter needs to lose weight. Jesus Christ. I'd like to point out that even Danielle Staub wouldn't say this kind of crap about her kids, and you know damn well Dina would never say an unkind word about Lexi or Grandma Wrinkles. Now Chris and Albie chime in about how obese and grotesque Lauren and Vito are, and it's met with great fanfare. Lauren tells us how much she hates herself and then awkwardly announces to her family that she thinks Vito is interested in other women. Sinking lower, Caroline smiles and says to her daughter's boyfriend, "You're allowed to look, Vito!" Fortunately, the conversation turns to Albie's new love interest, and then everyone takes a turn hugging him and telling him how strong his abs are.