Episode Report Card Rachel Stein: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Far, Far Away
By Rachel Stein | Season 5 | Episode 3 | Aired on 05.06.2012
The Shore cruise is now a night cruise. Jacqueline is clearly drunk and trying to make everyone play nice. Dr. Melissa Gorga is tries to explain Jacqueline's psyche, which will no doubt be the inspiration to this summer's next big dance hit, "The Pressures (of Being Teresa's Friend)." Fortunately for all, the boat docks so that this madness can end, just as Rosie is this close to drowning all of the little kids.
The next day, Jacqueline and Caroline are donning all-white for some sort of solstice party that Jacqueline's psychic told her to have in order to rid all of the bad energy in her life. 'Kay. Caroline asks for the dirt about last night, and Jacqueline immediately comes clean about telling everyone about her menopause, preemptively squashing any beef that might have come from Caroline hearing about it from anyone else. Was that so hard? Melissa then shows up and talks about Teresa's rude gold digger comment. Blah blah blah, Teresa is an idiot, "Unless there's blood dripping down my face, you get a pass." (To all my fellow Parks and Recreation fans: Sometimes when I watch this show, I feel like Ben Wyatt listening to Joan Callamezzo.)
Teresa is driving with my BFF Kim D., who explains to her what the solstice is and asks how things are going. Teresa immediately tells her about the clearly horrible thing she off-handedly said about Melissa to Joe and of course delusional Kim eggs her on. They get to the party, where Jacqueline's psychic, while drinking a beer (or perhaps white wine), is telling two grown women dressed as fairies to hand out bindis to the guests. The fairies, who are already visibility humiliated, decorate Teresa and Kim, and then Jacqueline, Lauren, Caroline and Melissa. They ladies are split up between two tables, Caroline tells us how much she hates Teresa, and now Kathy and Rosie are ready to party.
Within seconds, Rosie's bindi is already off, and now apparently powerless to her desires, she pulls Teresa aside and brings up the Melissa comment. Clearly the editing monkeys have very little to work with this season. Kim, meanwhile, probes Melissa about her "singing" "career," but no one can be distracted from Rosie and Teresa's conversation. They sit and we rehash things yet again, this time with Kathy at Table Melissa and Jacqueline at Table Teresa. The only interesting thing that comes out of this is Jacqueline finally saying, verbatim, "Go fucking talk to her yourself!"
Thankfully, everyone moves to one table so that Melissa and Teresa can talk about this bullcrap. Teresa whines that Joe never called her when Juicy was locked up. Melissa reiterates that Teresa denied all of the other times her family was in trouble. She then uses the world "jail," and Teresa storms off, as she cannot immediately think of how to lie her way out of this conversation, citing that she told Melissa to never use the "j" word in front of her. Kim and the psychic try to stop her from leaving, but Teresa ain't having it. I guess she will not be happy to learn that Melissa's EP this spring is ironically titled "Jailbreak My Body."