Episode Report Card Aaron: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Our Bodies, Ourselves
By Aaron | Season 3 | Episode 3 | Aired on 03.15.2003
"My ass is killing me!" exclaims Kathy Bates, thereby causing all of you who were still gazing lovingly at the twin mounds of J.P. Pitoc's buttocks to encounter a mental image far worse than any soggy pubic hair might have been. She and Ruth are taking a hike through the scenic Bettina's Backstory Canyon just outside of Los Angeles, with Ruth telling a story about a terrier Nate once had named "Yippee" who crawled under a bed and died on the day she first brought David home from the hospital. Aww, poor Yippee. Although if Nate really was as gassy a child as we've been told, perhaps Yippee now finds himself in a far, far better place. I'm just saying. Anyway, Ruth and Kathy make their way to a large bench, and sit down to hear Kathy detail her experiences with marriage. Husband #1 died at 25 after a ten-year bout with cancer, Husband #2 tried to sleep with all her friends, and Husband #3 had a heart attack despite jogging five miles every single morning. Flick…ahhhh. We're also told that Kathy's daughter tried The Plan, and is now "hoarding firearms in a compound in Montana," but that her son "turned out fine," even though he once burned their house down. Meanwhile, I amuse myself by counting the joggers who vanish into thin air behind them every time we cut to a new angle. Ruth tries to bring this little exposition session to a close because she has a job interview later in the day, but Kathy quickly cons her into blowing that off for the $3.99 breakfast special at the French Marketplace. Hmm. I wonder if they serve "freedom fries" there?
Das Zargzimmer. The DGDJ's mother and sister are there, explaining to Nate and Rico everything that we just saw happen four scenes ago. Rico earns his first "Shut up" of the episode by not understanding that the guys were the DGDJ's friends, thereby forcing the grieving family to explain the course of events yet another time. "They were all in a state of shock that a woman could be terrified by a group of men chasing her at night," says the sister with more than just a tinge of anger. And while I understand and sympathize with the reasoning behind this little "only you can prevent phony rapists" PSA, I still have to wonder if this entire incident couldn't have been avoided if Mom over there had ever bothered to teach her daughter to, oh, say, LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE STREET. And besides, wasn't it Alan Ball who said that he hopes no one ever "learns a valuable lesson" from watching an episode of Six Feet Under?