Episode Report Card Demian: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Chris Of The Spider Woman
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 18 | Aired on 04.17.2004
In any event, Raige orbs in at this point, and Big Infected Chris passes her the vanquishing vial so that she, too, may bless it. He next orders Phoebe to assist Raige in the dining room, then asks Piper -- addressing her by her first name, rather than "Mom" -- if he might have a word with her alone in the parlor. He leads her away from her sisters and positions her in front of the doors leading to the sun porch. Piper wonders what gives before noting with concern that Chris's eyes have dilated. "Have they?" he too mildly replies. Meanwhile, out on the sun porch, The Spider Woman Spider flares and rather noisily morphs into the plain old Spider Woman. Alerted by the sound, Piper turns to face the demonette and gets a mouthful of webbing for her troubles. The Spider Woman, emitting said webbing from the heels of her palms a la Peter Parker, proceeds to cocoon Piper and plaster her against the parlor wall. Or, rather, she proceeds to cocoon a crappy, digitally animated version of Piper that spins around while Holly Marie Combs hoots on the soundtrack before plastering a Piper-shaped fiberglass dummy against the parlor wall. Phoebe and Raige clatter in at this moment to gasp as Raige instinctively hurls the vial of blue potion in The Spider Woman's direction. Just as instinctively, Big Infected Chris whip-cracks his hand and snatches the vial from mid-air, then leaps over the sofa to pimp-smack Raige to the floor. He tries to do likewise to the Feebs, but she stymies him with yodeling and Feeb-fu. At one point, the vial falls from Chris's hand to roll across the carpet towards Raige. Said vial is now filled with a yellow potion. Stupid show. Raige snatches at the bottle as Phoebe lands a spinning kick in Chris's face, and said bottle is now filled once again with a blue potion. I want to die. Raige flings the thing once more at The Spider Woman, but our crafty villainess morphs back to her CGI form at the last second, allowing the vial to shatter harmlessly on the sun porch floor. The Spider Woman Spider races across the main floor to scamper out the window through which she arrived. Phoebe and Raige chase after the demonette, to no avail, then spin around to admire the Manor's latest installation piece, Manuel Neri's "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)." "Oh, no," Raige breathes as Phoebe goggles her way into the commercial break.
Manor. Raige approaches "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)" and stretches out her hand. The thing immediately zaps her with sparking bolts of blue electricity, hurling her to her ass across the hall. At this juncture, Phoebe trundles into the foyer fresh from locking Big Gay Chris in the basement, because Phoebe is a moron, because Big Gay Chris can orb out of the basement, but this show is ass, so whatever. Actually, now that I think about it, this episode was humming along pretty well until Phoebe showed up. Stupid Phoebe ruins everything. Raige considers their options and decides to summon the Dolt, despite Phoebe's strident protestations regarding her inability to keep Big Chris's latest secret from his father. Raige whatevers and calls out for the erstwhile brother-in-law, who orbs in immediately from Whitelighterland clad in one of those hideous gold-toned velour robes that Brian Krause promised we'd never see again. Liar. Prick. Asshole. Oh, and he's wearing white sneakers, too. Shit. The Dolt greets them with a "How are you?" that's meant to sound serenely sincere but comes across as stupendously stoned. Phoebe babbles that they've got problems. Stoned Dolt suggests meditation. Shut up, Dolt. Raige quickly nixes this idea and directs the Dolt's attention to "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)" on the wall. The Dolt instantly and correctly identifies the abstract expressionist responsible before assuring the gals that, as their sister's been replaced by a particularly stunning example of the Bay Area Figurative School, Piper's actually okay for the time being. "Good," Phoebe breathes. "That means Chris is, too." The stupid Dolt's all, "Chris is in there with her?" Raige hastily explains the whole infection situation and adds that they've locked Chris in the basement. Stoned Dolt smiles and heads off to "talk" with his demonically altered younger son. Yeah, you let me how that works out for you, okay, Dolt? Once he's vanished kitchenwards, Phoebe grunts, "He has a right to know!" "No! He! Doesn't!" Raige snipes.