Fade up on the big gay hand of Big Gay Chris as it fans a tarot deck face-down upon the bar in an otherwise deserted P3. He slides one card from the middle of the pile and flips it over to reveal Judgment. According to one website I jumped into, this card "represents a loving and kind discussion, one in which both flaws and accomplishments will be brought to light," so, you know, the writers got something right for once, if of course by "a loving and kind discussion" they meant "a spectacular Dolt smackdown." Chris sighs thoughtfully and stares off into space as the lights suddenly flicker, heralding the arrival of "Dennis," one of the bar's managers. "What are you doing here?" Chris asks. "I work here, remember?" Dennis replies with a teasing grin on his face. Back away from my husband, bitch. Don't make me fly out to San Francisco to hurt you. Dennis exposits that Piper called to ask him to head in a little early to prepare for this evening's special guest testicle. "Piper called?" Chris repeats. "From where -- the doctor's?" Dennis shrugs, then, noticing Chris fretful expression, wonders if anything's wrong. Chris assures him it's just a regular check-up for Fetal Gay Chris, and goes back to brooding. Dennis eyes my husband for a moment before wondering, "You mind if I ask you a question?" Chris is all, "Go for it," so Dennis continues, "Why the fuck are you still shacking up in the back office? Get an apartment already, for Christ's sake." No, he totally doesn't. Rather, he asks, "What's the deal with the ex of hers? I mean, dude gets her pregnant, right? And then skips town on her? I mean, what's up with that?" We've been wondering the same thing, Denny my man. Big Chris averts his gaze and mumbles something noncommittal in response. "Huh," Dennis grunts, removing a stool from atop the bar to set it on the floor. "As far as I'm concerned, she deserves a hell of a lot better." Didn't I just tell you to stop sucking up to my husband? Knock it off already. Chris darts his eyes in Dennis's direction and states, "Couldn't agree with you more." Dennis vanishes into the depths of the club as Chris sighs once more, examining the Judgment card one last time before tossing it back into the deck.
Elsewhere, a pink-coated Raige presses an elevator call button, purses her lips, and peeves, "Are you hormonal, or just plain crazy?" The camera cuts to Piper, who grits, "One woman can only take so much!" The shot pulls back to reveal that she's frozen the entire reception area of her doctor's office, presumably to prevent a nearby matronly type from fondling her bloated midsection. "If these people walk out of their offices," Raige worries, "what do you think they're gonna see?" "Well," Piper coolly replies, "they won't be touching my stomach anymore, that's what I think." "Piper!" Raige chides as the elevator arrives. "That's not a good enough reason to freeze people." "I think it is," Piper airily replies, gliding past her sister to enter the car. As she does so, she casually flicks her wrist, unfreezing the room. The Matronly Groper, thrown off balance, staggers forward into Raige's arms as Raige hastily concocts an excuse involving vertigo. Raige quickly joins Piper in the elevator to sneer, "No wonder Chris grows up to become such a neurotic little freak." Unfortunately, the elevator door slides shut before I can counter, "'Neurotic little freak'? You're one to talk, missy, after everything you put Slampiece Buttfuck through this season. And besides, if we're assigning blame for my husband's psychological tics to anyone, honey, Phoebe and the Dolt would be at the head of the line. God knows those two morons have destroyed my mind, and I'm not even related to you people."
Um. Where was I? Oh, yeah: Raige, changing the subject, perks, "Are you excited?" Piper's all, "Whanuhn?" so Raige clarifies she was referring to the doctor's news that Fetal Gay Chris is "going to be a healthy baby." "I know he's healthy," Piper duhs. "I've seen him [at] 22 and walking around." "Well, you never know," Raige reminds her, perhaps remembering last year's last-minute bout of toxemia. "Something could happen." "Don't be such a worrywart," Piper groans. "You're starting to sound like the Cleansing Burst Of Synchronicity that's escorting the noisy fucking orb cloud just now depositing in the elevator car the adult version of my as-yet-unborn younger son." Big Gay Chris took the time to brush his hair before leaving P3, and he once again looks rather dapper. "Hey," he begins, but before he can say another word, Raige interjects, "If this is about demons, I don't want to hear about it, because I am on my lunch break." Chris shoots her A Look before shrugging, "I was just wondering how it went with the doctor." Piper rolls her eyes and teasingly sings, "You'll be happy to know that you're a boy!" She flashes her ultrasound photo as Big Gay Chris gets this adorably goofy grin on his face. "I don't see it," Raige mutters, leaning in towards the photo and squinting. "Oh, see," Piper replies, indicating a spot on the picture with her manicured index finger, "it's this little thing right…" "Excuse me!" Chris shouts with an enormous stink-face as he snatches the ultrasound from his mother's hand. After a pause, he focuses on the image of his fetal self and tilts his head quizzically to one side as if looking for something. Hee.
The gals plus Big Gay Chris arrive at the underground parking garage and emerge from the elevator. Piper leads the way with, "Why are you so edgy, anyway?" "It's not me in there that I was thinking about," Chris explains. "It's you. I'm just making sure you're okay." As the three pass out of the frame, Raige snarks, "Now, see, this is where I'd ask for money to go to the movies." The shot shifts to a blurry overhead of the three cruising through the garage as Chris replies, "Very funny. Actually, in the future, you're the one I go to for money." Yeah, I can see Piper being a tightwad with her kids, but that's not important. What is important is that Raige does not immediately come back with, "I thought I was dead in your future, pretty boy." Instead, she oohs something about being rich, and the three continue on towards her car as The Presence With The Shitty Eyesight watches them go. The shot shifts back to normal as Raige wonders why Chris chose not to hit up the Dolt for cash. Well, duh, you dimwit. The Dolt is and always has been an unemployed deadbeat mooching off his chronically overworked wife. Chris mutters something along the lines of the Dolt "not being a factor," leading Raige to eyebrow, "What does that mean?" "I'd rather not talk about it," Chris promptly and predictably replies. "Future consequences?" Piper leads. "More like future issues," Chris shoots back. "Father-son problems," Raige coos, eager for dirt. "I have an idea!" Chris zings. "Let's change the subject!" "To what?" Raige mugs. How about that ghastly demonette swinging into the frame from somewhere above their heads? Works for Chris, who -- get this -- physically hurls his bloated, six-months-gone mother to the concrete beside Raige's Volkswagen. Nice. As if to punish him for his stupidity, the ghastly demonette with the shitty eyesight hisses and swipes at his neck with her claws. Chris falls against the car in shock and pain as Raige, thinking fast, employs her orbing telekinesis to summon a hefty, industrial-sized fire extinguisher from its mount on the nearby wall. The thing dissolves into a blur of orbs that she redirects in the general direction of the ghastly demonette's head. The demonette executes a Matrix-y backflip to avoid the thing, then turns her attention to Piper, and we finally get a good look at her low-rent, Elvira-wannabe wardrobe. Poor Man's Cassandra Peterson snarls, so Piper unleashes a Hand Of Discontent. Unfortunately, her aim's a little off, likely due to the fact that her son just physically hurled her bloated, six-months-gone ass to the concrete, and she vanquishes a light bulb. Poor Man's Cassandra Peterson morphs down into an enormous CGI spider that skitters across the floor to disappear into a duct.
Danger passed -- at least momentarily -- Big Gay Chris crosses to his mother's side and helps her to her feet. "You guys okay?" Raige asks, joining them. Chris winces, "I don't know -- am I?" as he turns back to Raige to display a series of ruddy, painful-looking gashes in his neck where The Spider Woman slashed him. "Am I?" he repeats as he pivots towards Piper. It takes a second for Piper to realize what he's really asking, and a wave of concern washes across her face as both she and the camera focus on her gargantuan midsection. We linger on the temporary home of Fetal Gay Chris for a moment before scuttling into the opening credits.
An endless and irritatingly jumpy opening travelogue passes by as a heaving ovary wails something that might be relevant to tonight's plot, but because of her atrocious enunciation, I'll never be able to tell if that's true or not. Over at the Manor, Raige engages in some Book of Shadows abuse from her perch on the sun porch's wicker love seat as Piper tends to Big Gay Chris's wounds at the nearby table. Big Chris's hair has gotten a little shaggy from all the excitement, and sweet Jesus, he's pretty. Ooops. Sorry. We've known that for nearly a year, haven't we? And yet The Pretty retains its ability to shock on occasion. "So, I'm okay, right?" Chris winces. "I mean, mini-me in there," he amends, nodding towards his mother's stomach. Piper assures him he'd be the first to know if anything were wrong with his fetal gay self. She dabs at the gashes in his neck with a wet washcloth as Chris grimaces and asks, "Then why were you so worried back there?" "I wasn't worried," Piper too hastily responds. Off Chris's "girl, please" look, Piper admits, "All right. I was a little worried about the force field." Chris is all, "What force field?" so Raige explains, "The one she had when she was pregnant with [your dead-eyed sociopath of an older brother]." Big Gay Chris is flabbergasted. Piper's compelled to stress that she didn't have the force field -- the percolating Psycho did. "It was all his doing," she adds. "From the womb?" Chris howls, pouty and incredulous. "He had powers from the womb?! That's unbelievable. It's not like I don't have an inferiority complex with him already. Thank you." Piper's eyes have been warily widening during this unexpected rant, and she too casually wonders if Raige has found the entry for their latest adversary. Snerk.
Raige, conveniently enough, has, and rises from the love seat to cross to the table with the Book as she reads aloud, "[The Spider Woman] is an evil creature that emerges from its hidden lair every hundred years to capture and feed off the most powerful magical being it can detect." I know there's a Chita Rivera joke in there somewhere. "In this case," Raige adds, ignoring me while settling into a chair, "that would be you." "And me," Chris perks. The ladies stare at him blankly. "Sort of," he shrugs with a tiny voice. Hee. "You must be so proud," Piper smirks before noticing that the Book also contains ingredients for a vanquishing potion. "What say we make this eight-legged freak wish she had never been hatched?" she quips. Big Chris immediately objects, citing his mother's delicate condition. Raige agrees, noting that without the force field, Piper's pretty much useless. "Do you have to keep rubbing that in?" Chris snits. "Aren't there any therapists in the future?" Raige retorts. Chris stares her down for a moment before turning back to his mother to assert, "We need Phoebe." No you don't. This episode has been moving along rather nicely without her. Piper agrees with me, but for a different reason. She doesn't want to interrupt the Dim One's date with "Mark." "Actually, it's Mike this week," Raige corrects. "No, it's Mitch, but who cares?" Chris peeves impatiently. "We need her." Piper subtly rolls her eyes as if to say, "Christ, my sister's a slut." Heh. Raige babbles out a reminder of Phoebe's vision quest from a couple of episodes ago, noting that ever since then, Phoebe's been focusing on getting knocked up. Or something like that. I don't care, because at this moment, my shockingly pretty husband gets all woozy, gingerly runs his fingers along the gashes in his neck, and wonders, "Does the Book say anything about that spider being poisonous?" Raige and Piper wiggle their eyebrows at each other.
The Lair Of The Spider Woman. The camera takes in a cocooned skeleton hanging on the wall before panning past several similarly cocooned skeletal remains and a few cobwebbed pillars and landing on The Spider Woman, who slinks into the chamber to shimmy over to yet another cocooned figure lying on a bier in the center of the room. There are, like, three dozen sets of skeletal remains littering the cavern, by the way. Remember that in case I decide to harangue you all about it once we learn the lair's location. The Spider Woman and her nameless and elderly victim natter about various plot points that everyone who saw the last scene already knows, so I'll take this moment to note that I'm kind of digging The Spider Woman's look. In addition to the Elvira-esque black gown that places the expected amount of emphasis on her tits, they've plastered the actress with a light grey pancake makeup, accented by darker shades of grey, highlighting her eyes and bone structure. The lips are crimson, and she's sporting a set of fake teeth that give her pairs of fangs on both her upper and lower jaws. Rather Halloweenish, but effective. The Spider Woman exposits that she's infected a Charmed One's Whitelighter, and I have no idea how she knew Big Gay Chris was a Whitelighter and more importantly, I don't care, because this show is what? That's right: Ass. A steaming pile of ass. The Spider Woman sneers something else at the elderly gentleman before digging her ebony Active-Length Lee Press-On Nails into his sides. Her hands flicker and glow as a shimmery wave of bright white mojo passes through the elderly gentleman's body. The Spider Woman tosses her head back in open-mouthed ecstasy as she extracts the gent's life force, or whatever, and she presently leaves behind yet another cocooned skeleton to join the others in her collection. Scene.
Manor kitchen. As Piper dabs ointment onto Chris's wounds, she asks Raige to phone the club to let them know she'll be a little late. Chris objects, insisting Piper remain in the Manor until the present danger has passed and suggesting Raige take her place at P3. Raige objects, insisting that she return to her temp job, as "that's how people who need [her] help find [her]," and suggests summoning the Dolt. Neither Chris nor Piper likes that idea at all, though for different reasons. Piper simply wants to avoid confronting her ex-husband regarding her current pregnancy, about which he supposedly remains unaware, despite the fact that the ever-useless Elders are supposed to know everything about the fricking Charmed Ones, but whatever. Raige babbles something about not wanting to insist upon a family reunion until Chris, who'd been repeatedly touching his neck in pain through all of this, finally explodes with, "He has been gone for SIX MONTHS. If he's not there for us in the future, why is he there for us now?" Piper, as appalled with the utterly nonsensical construction of that outburst as I am, weakly passes a hand across her face and toddles over to collapse into a chair at the breakfast table. Raige caves and agrees to head over to P3, leaving Chris with instructions to work on the vanquishing potion, and to call his aunts once he's finished with it. Raige exits as Chris offers to put away the medicine kit. He snaps the box shut, then notes with quiet alarm that the thing's sticking to the palm of his hand. He shoots a glance in Piper's direction, and, once he's confirmed she's not paying any attention to him, tries to pull his right hand away by forcing the box down with his left. Of course, the box is now stuck to both hands. Chris darts his eyes around, all, "Oh, shit."
[72virg=ins], which has been renamed "Café Blue" at some point in the last five years. Phoebe's lunch date impatiently checks his watch as she straggles in from the street clad in a hideous knit poncho with matching cloche. She jiggles over to Mitch's table, naturally attracting the amorous attention of nearly every male patron on the patio while yodeling out an excuse for her tardiness: "Last time I ride BART for a while." Wait for it. "The train, not the guy." Ba-dum-bump. The rest of the short scene that follows is no better, and in fact is absolutely pointless, so let's cut to the chase, shall we? Phoebe gets Mitch's name wrong, then proceeds to latch onto his arm to force a premonition regarding their future together. Getting nothing, she rudely thanks him for his time and rises to bolt. As she spins around from the table, though, she nearly rams into Big Gay Chris, who's looking considerably worse for the wear. He's ashen, sweaty, shivering, and squinting uncomfortably in the sunlight. Phoebe expresses concern, wondering what the hell happened to him. Chris fills her in on recent events, so Phoebe tosses a hasty "Take care, Mark!" over her shoulder before racing out of the restaurant. Big Chris, however, is distracted by a buzzing horsefly. He stares at it for a moment before snatching it out of the air. His hand even makes a nifty whip-cracking noise as he does so. He slowly opens his palm to gaze in wonder at the insect until Phoebe calls out, "You coming, or what?" "Yeah," he mutters absently, turning to follow her.
P3. A rather attractive non-Dennis bartender putters around with boxes as Raige's cell phone rings. It's her boss from the temp agency, who immediately berates her for bailing on her latest assignment. As she attempts to deal with the guy, a male figure looms into the frame behind her to ask for her help and oh, fuck. Why me? Why are they doing this to me? It's bad enough that the guy reveals himself -- in a horrific "Irish" accent, natch -- to be a leprechaun. It's even worse when he notes that "The Wicked Witch of The Enchanted Forest put a dastardly curse on [him]." But the most stupendously awful thing about this bit? They've clearly jacked a dwarf up on stilts to make him look like he's a normal-sized human being. No, seriously. No. Seriously. They've even padded out his jacket to lend him an appropriately broad-shouldered, barrel-chested appearance, and the resulting effect makes it seem like they lopped off his teeny dwarf head, only to impale it atop a mannequin from Casual Male Big & Tall. Lord. And even more ludicrous? You can tell they're using a regular-sized stand-in for the guy when they shoot Raige's reaction shots from over his shoulder. God, this show sucks. Anyway, Raige, agog, hangs up on her temp boss and sends Non-Dennis into the back to "check on the beer" before addressing the stupid leprechaun at hand. "Riley" was told by entities unknown to find Raige at her temp job, and, having failed to locate her there, decided to try the club. He didn't want to bother her at home, you see. Whatever. Long, stupid story short, not only did this wicked witch make him tall, she also removed his ability to dispense his magical trouser nuggets. Can Raige help? "I'm sure I can improvise something," she replies before doing just that:
You who found me in this bar:
Turn back to who you really are.
Riley glows white and morphs back down to his diastrophic self. By way of thanks, he offers her his shillelagh to add to her collection, then super-speeds on out of there just before Non-Dennis returns from the storeroom. Non-Dennis spots the shillelagh, proceeds to become decidedly nonplused, and disappears behind the bar after shooting Raige a look of death. Raige mugs.
Manor. Big Sweaty Chris leans heavily on the dining room table, hovering above an array of vials filled with the blue vanquishing potion. Phoebe enters from the kitchen, eager to get this over with so she can get back to quite literally fucking around. Chris confirms that she blessed the vanquishing potion before he staggers over to the staircase, where he winces and collapses onto one of the steps. "What's the matter with you?" Phoebe asks as Piper joins them from the floor above. Chris assures them he's fine, then inquires as to Raige's estimated time of arrival. Phoebe replies that she's due back any minute before launching into a tedious little monologue about her whole stupid vision-quest thing. Fortunately, we're distracted from all this by the arrival through the window of The Spider Woman in CGI spider form. The Spider Woman Spider silently descends to the carpet on a strand of silk she extrudes from her ass, and advances on the three humans at the stairs, the occasional Spider Woman Spider POV reminding us of how shitty her eyesight is. Big Gay Chris turns his shaggy head away from the incessantly babbling Feebs at one point and stares directly into The Spider Woman Spider's eyes. Ominously enough, he keeps his discovery to himself. I think we're meant to believe some sort of supernatural extrasensory communication just occurred between Big Infected Chris and The Spider Woman Spider, but that's never made clear.
In any event, Raige orbs in at this point, and Big Infected Chris passes her the vanquishing vial so that she, too, may bless it. He orders Phoebe to assist Raige in the dining room, then asks Piper -- addressing her by her first name, rather than "Mom" -- if he might have a word with her alone in the parlor. He leads her away from her sisters and positions her in front of the doors leading to the sun porch. Piper wonders what gives before noting with concern that Chris's eyes have dilated. "Have they?" he too mildly replies. Meanwhile, out on the sun porch, The Spider Woman Spider flares and rather noisily morphs into the plain old Spider Woman. Alerted by the sound, Piper turns to face the demonette and gets a mouthful of webbing for her troubles. The Spider Woman, emitting said webbing from the heels of her palms a la Peter Parker, proceeds to cocoon Piper and plaster her against the parlor wall. Or, rather, she proceeds to cocoon a crappy, digitally animated version of Piper that spins around while Holly Marie Combs hoots on the soundtrack before plastering a Piper-shaped fiberglass dummy against the parlor wall. Phoebe and Raige clatter in at this moment to gasp as Raige instinctively hurls the vial of blue potion in The Spider Woman's direction. Just as instinctively, Big Infected Chris whip-cracks his hand and snatches the vial from mid-air, then leaps over the sofa to pimp-smack Raige to the floor. He tries to do likewise to the Feebs, but she stymies him with yodeling and Feeb-fu. At one point, the vial falls from Chris's hand to roll across the carpet towards Raige. Said vial is now filled with a yellow potion. Stupid show. Raige snatches at the bottle as Phoebe lands a spinning kick in Chris's face, and said bottle is now filled once again with a blue potion. I want to die. Raige flings the thing once more at The Spider Woman, but our crafty villainess morphs back to her CGI form at the last second, allowing the vial to shatter harmlessly on the sun porch floor. The Spider Woman Spider races across the main floor to scamper out the window through which she arrived. Phoebe and Raige chase after the demonette, to no avail, then spin around to admire the Manor's latest installation piece, Manuel Neri's "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)." "Oh, no," Raige breathes as Phoebe goggles her way into the commercial break.
Manor. Raige approaches "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)" and stretches out her hand. The thing immediately zaps her with sparking bolts of blue electricity, hurling her to her ass across the hall. At this juncture, Phoebe trundles into the foyer fresh from locking Big Gay Chris in the basement, because Phoebe is a moron, because Big Gay Chris can orb out of the basement, but this show is ass, so whatever. Actually, now that I think about it, this episode was humming along pretty well until Phoebe showed up. Stupid Phoebe ruins everything. Raige considers their options and decides to summon the Dolt, despite Phoebe's strident protestations regarding her inability to keep Big Chris's latest secret from his father. Raige whatevers and calls out for the erstwhile brother-in-law, who orbs in immediately from Whitelighterland clad in one of those hideous gold-toned velour robes that Brian Krause promised we'd never see again. Liar. Prick. Asshole. Oh, and he's wearing white sneakers, too. Shit. The Dolt greets them with a "How are you?" that's meant to sound serenely sincere but comes across as stupendously stoned. Phoebe babbles that they've got problems. Stoned Dolt suggests meditation. Shut up, Dolt. Raige quickly nixes this idea and directs the Dolt's attention to "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)" on the wall. The Dolt instantly and correctly identifies the abstract expressionist responsible before assuring the gals that, as their sister's been replaced by a particularly stunning example of the Bay Area Figurative School, Piper's actually okay for the time being. "Good," Phoebe breathes. "That means Chris is, too." The stupid Dolt's all, "Chris is in there with her?" Raige hastily explains the whole infection situation and adds that they've locked Chris in the basement. Stoned Dolt smiles and heads off to "talk" with his demonically altered younger son. Yeah, you let me how that works out for you, okay, Dolt? Once he's vanished kitchenwards, Phoebe grunts, "He has a right to know!" "No! He! Doesn't!" Raige snipes.
Basement. The Dolt eases open the door at the top of the stairs and calls down into the gloom for Big Gay Chris. He picks his way down the steps until Big Chris's hunched-over form suddenly lurches into the light at the bottom of the stairs. As Chris shuffles forward, the expression on his face shifts from pain to rage, and I'm once again surprised at how goddamn pretty he is. "Bastard!" he spits, shooting out one of his hands. His palm emits a stream of webbing that passes harmlessly through the Dolt's defensive cloud of orbs. The Dolt rematerializes in the kitchen and expeditiously shuts and locks the basement door as Phoebe and Raige race in from the dining room. "What happened?" Raige blurts. "He attacked me," the Dolt pants, looking for all the world like he's just pissed himself in terror. Pantywaist. Heh. Much blathering follows about the possible source of Big Gay Chris's Dolt-directed animosity before Phoebe finally drops the paternity bomb. The Dolt, gobsmacked, staggers over to the breakfast table and eases himself into a chair, much as Piper did a couple of scenes ago. I don't know if I should applaud that little bit of parallelism or ignore it in favor of the Dolt's anguished mutterings. Oh, who am I trying to kid? Like paying attention to the Dolt is ever an option. Meanwhile, Raige's cell phone rings, so she slips into the other room to answer; Phoebe plants herself in a chair to the Dolt to deliver a little pep talk that basically amounts to, "Process the new information regarding Chris immediately, because we desperately need your help, and God knows how worthless you are when you're fully present, so get it together already, 'kay?" The Dolt rather conveniently remembers that The Spider Woman's last victim was a wizard, so he orbs off to Not!warts in search of something he can use to scry for the wizard's location. In the meantime, Phoebe's to search the Book for an antidote and prepare a batch for Big Gay Chris. Raige wanders back into to the room to announce she must return to P3, as "The Wicked Witch has struck again." Oh, Christ on a damn stick. Would you believe I'd already forgotten about that stupid subplot? Raige vanishes upwards as Phoebe purses her lips and phrets. Or something like that.
Meanwhile, down in the basement, Big Gay Chris rocks back and forth on the floor in agony as his transformation continues. Suddenly, The Spider Woman's voice echoes through the room. "Come to me, Chris," she croons, and bitch, I know you're not hitting on my husband now, too. Chris staggers to his feet and, following her instructions, lurches towards the basement's brick archway, whereupon he extends his hands to spray out a bit of spider webbing in the archway's corner. Once the web's complete, The Spider Woman's face appears, and she smiles, "You are learning quickly." "What do you want from me?" Chris seethes. "I think you know," The Spider Woman mildly replies. "Now bring me [Manuel Neri's 'Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)']." "[It's entirely too rare and valuable a piece]!" Chris shouts. The head of The Spider Woman telepathically directs some painful mojo in his direction, so Chris screams and drops to his knees, clawing at his stomach. "You can't resist it," the head of The Spider Woman smirks. "Don't fight it -- embrace your new powers." "I don't understand," Chris gasps. The head of The Spider Woman gets all smug and grins, "You will, my sweet. All in good time." Chris leaps to his feet and plows his fist through her face, destroying the spider web and ridding himself of the vision in the process. The camera cuts to a close-up. His eyes have gone red.
P3. Non-Dennis lies unconscious on the floor, courtesy of an assy nymrod who's been transformed into a balding, middle-aged white guy in a diaphanous green gown, courtesy of The Wicked Witch of The Enchanted Forest. They hate me. The writing staff hates me, and they are determined to see me dead. Joining the assy nymrod are an elderly and human-sized "fairy" and a squat and somewhat dumpy-looking "ogre", both fellow victims of The Wicked Witch. "The Witch's curse is spreading like wildfire," the assy nymrod claims. "Pretty soon there won't be any of us magic folk left." And this would be a bad thing…how, exactly? He doesn't answer me, but whatever. Stoopid Magikal Kreatures suck much, so let's get this over with already: Raige asks the assy nymrod to tell her everything he knows about The Wicked Witch so they can get rid of her forever. Cut to Witchy-Poo in The Enchanted Forest, cackling as she stirs a giant cauldron. She stops short, burps "uh-oh," and explodes into a fireball. Her pointy black hat drops into the cauldron. Back in P3, the Stoopid Magikal Kreatures flare and morph into their regular forms. The nymrod's someone we've never seen before, but the fairy and the ogre are played by the same actors. In case anyone cares, which no one does, because this show is ass, but whatever. "Ding-dong," Raige sasses with a mischievous smirk. Okay, that was sort of funny. The Stoopid Magikal Kreatures thank her, with the ogre adding that they owe her a favor. Raige is all, "Whatever. Skedaddle, or 'Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)' will have my ass for keeping the club closed." Scene.
Not!warts Not-So-Great Hall. Head In A Bag, who's actually Head On A Nerdy And Tedious Character Actor now, approaches the de-robed Dolt with a large book, identifying The Spider Woman's last victim as "Rathmere," a prominent wizard who disappeared in 1904. The entry further notes that "all that remains as evidence of his existence are his wand and his legacy of magic." The Dolt confirms that the wand is in Not!warts "collection," and turns to fetch it, only to find his way blocked by a disapproving Gideon, and God, I hate this subplot, too. Gideon dismisses Head On A Nerdy And Tedious Character Actor so he can bitch at the Dolt regarding his dereliction of duty, or whatever. The Dolt impatiently brushes past Gideon, and boring! Long story short, Gideon reminds the Dolt that he endangers the other ever-useless Elders every time he visits the Manor, the Dolt tells Gideon to cram it because he's got to save his son, Gideon thinks he's talking about the Psycho, the Dolt admits that he's actually referring to Chris, Gideon looks malicious and evil, the Dolt's too stupid to notice that Gideon is malicious and evil, and the two part ways when Dolt obstinately orbs back to the Manor. Head On A Nerdy And Tedious Character Actor returns, and the two connive and conspire to "sacrifice" the Psycho as planned, regardless of any possible intervention by Big Gay Chris.
Manor. The camera swings past "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)" to land on Phoebe mixing the Spider Woman antidote in the dining room. Raige, having returned from the club, offers her assistance, but Phoebe's pretty much done. The Dolt orbs in with Rathmere's wand and some scrying utensils, and the Manor Morons discuss possible future reasons for Big Gay Chris's Dolt-directed animosity as a CGI spider emerges from a brass heating vent in the floor. When this first aired, I mistakenly thought it was The Spider Woman Spider and was thus a little confused by what followed, but on second viewing, this spider's smaller and greyer and clearly coming from the basement, so it must be Chris. We get a blurry arachnid POV of Phoebe's feet as Spider-Chris scuttles on over to the dining room. Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band kicks in, and she shrieks, "My God, [Dolt], can't you think of anything but yourself?" Raige and the Dolt blink at her as Spider-Chris warily backs away from his empathic aunt. "That was kind of weird," Phoebe admits before the Fucking Backup Band swings back in and she shouts, "You totally bailed on us!" "What the hell?" Raige snorts as Phoebe realizes she's "channeling Chris's anger." "He's in the basement," the Dolt reminds her. "Can you empath from so far away?" "Empath" is not a verb. Shut up, Dolt. Phoebe supposes her powers are expanding. "Or he's closer than we think," Raige offers. Guess which of the two is right?
Spider-Chris, realizing Raige is on to him, scurries back into the parlor, where he flares and morphs into Chris Of The Spider Woman. Phoebe scoops up the antidote as she and Raige prepare to race into the parlor. Meanwhile, Chris Of The Spider Woman stalks on up to "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)." When Phoebe darts into the room to shout, "No!" he replies by flinging out first one hand, then the other, spitting out webbing that propels Phoebe backwards through the air to the foyer wall, where it glues her hands to the paint. Raige is , flipping her own antidote vial at her infected nephew, but Chris Of The Spider Woman zaps the thing out of the air before affixing Raige to the upper part of the banister. The Dolt's last in line, loping in to cry, "Chris, stop! This isn't you!" Chris Of The Spider Woman latches onto the Dolt's neck and slams him against the wall. "Wanna bet?" he jeers, and I'm sorry, but Drew Fuller looks ridiculous. The red eyes are kind of cool, but those Glamour-Length Lee Press-On nails have got to go. He also, frankly, could have used a little more rehearsal time with his prosthetic teeth, because he's lisping and choking all over the place on his own spit. Oh, well. He's still pretty, and I suppose that's what really matters. Chris hurls the Dolt headfirst onto the stairwell landing. The Dolt quickly returns to his feet and whirls around in time to catch some more of Chris's webbing as Chris pastes his father's hands to the window frame and wall, and I just now realize what bothered me so much about the stairwell in "Headless Bitches." It wasn't that they'd repainted it. What they actually did was replace the fucking window that's been there for five and a half years with a goddamned solid wall. And as arriving at that realization so late in the game has made me feel as thick-witted and dull as the Feebs, I'll be moving this along. With his relatives plastered all over the stairwell, Chris Of The Spider Woman is free to snag "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)" and orb away. "Bug spray," Raige groans. "We should have used bug spray." Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaah! The Manor Morons hang in place for a bit before dropping into the commercial break.
Manor. Aftermath. Fidgeting. Nattering. Sniping. Eventually, Phoebe realizes that if Chris Of The Spider Woman can still orb, he can still be saved. Phoebe also realizes that Raige can make use of the shillelagh to summon Riley, who might be able to extract them from their current predicament. Just go with it. Raige calls for the stick with her orbing telekinesis and taps it on the floor a couple of times. Riley arrives on his rainbow and makes a few unfunny remarks before whipping out a magical trouser nugget that he sends in Raige's direction while intoning, " Sláinte is táinte." The golden mojo shimmers through Raige's body, and the webbing instantly dissolves, sending her crashing to the floor. You know, if I were Raige, I'd be kicking his dwarf ass right about now. Phoebe's positioned so she's standing on the foyer settee, and the Dolt's loafing around on the goddamned landing, but the little twerp pulls that crap on Raige, who's suspended five feet off the ground? Fuck. Him. The stupid leprechaun snickers derisively. Shut up, you tiny little asswipe.
The Lair Of The Spider Woman. Chris Of The Spider Woman suspends "Untitled in Fiberglass No. 3 (Piper Halliwell)" from the ceiling. The Spider Woman shimmies on over, thanks him for fetching her lunch, and shoves him across the chamber before plunging her Active-Length Press-On Nails into the priceless work of art. Again with the glowing and the head tossed back in ecstasy, only this time, Chris almost immediately drops to his knees in agony. "So divine," The Spider Woman sighs. "What's happening?" Chris gasps. "It's not just her magic I'm feeding on," The Spider Woman reminds my demonically infected yet shockingly pretty yet disappointingly dim husband. "It's her baby's, too. Yours." Now wait a minute. First she knows he's Piper's Whitelighter without ever having heard anyone mention that little fact, and now she knows he's her son? Whatever! WHATEVER!
Manor sun porch. The Dolt scries for The Lair Of The Spider Woman using Rathmere's wand. "I don't understand why this isn't working," he glums. Because Rathmere's dead, you fucking moron. Phoebe ambles over, and the two dingbats chat about Big Gay Chris's daddy issues for a while until the stupid Dolt realizes he should have been scrying for the ex-wife all along. Or, you know, your younger son, you worthless twit. Phoebe passes him Piper's car keys, and the crystal almost instantly smacks down on the Presidio. Do I have time to rave about how stupid that is? I don't? Good, 'cause if I started ranting about how impossible it would have been to maintain a demonic lair on land that's functioned as a military base for two hundred and fifty years, my head would explode. ["Well, the base PX did have a bowling alley. I'll let you draw your own conclusions." -- Sars] And then there's the separate matter of those three dozen skeletal remains littering said impossible-to-maintain lair. If The Spider Woman emerges once every hundred years, they represent more than three and a half thousand years of fine dining. The fuck was she eating all the way back then? Sea lions? Christ, I hate this show. Phoebe bellows for Raige as she passes the Dolt a vanquishing vial. He agonizes over the fact that Piper didn't bless the stuff and how can they manage without the Power of Three and wah until Raige enters with her posse of Stoopid Magikal Kreatures.
Cut to a webbed-over cave opening that presumably leads into The Lair Of The Spider Woman. That's inconspicuous. Not. Stupid fucking show. The ogre bounces a boulder off the barrier a couple of times with no effect. "It's impenetrable," sighs the Dolt. "Maybe we could draw her out," Raige shrugs. "How are we gonna do that?" Phoebe wonders. "I could always just knock," offers the ogre, who proceeds to do just that. The ogre's pounding's soon shaking the entire cavern interior. "Dammit," mutters The Spider Woman. She picks her way over Chris Of Herself's prone form and heads over to the entryway. She materializes through the webbing without disturbing it, eyes the ogre towering above her, and deadpans, "You're pissing me off." Heh. Raige steps forward to confront her. "You think you can take me without your sister?" The Spider Woman pffts. "We'll just have to see," Raige shrugs before crying out, "Now!" The creepily undead fairy princess buzzes around The Spider Woman's head. The Spider Woman claws at the air for a bit before punching Raige in the face. Hee! Phoebe leaps forward to boot The Spider Woman in the stomach, propelling the demonette into the dirt. The assy nymrod materializes behind some bushes and hurls a vanquishing vial at The Spider Woman, but the latter morphs down to her CGI self, and the vial flies wide to explode harmlessly against some rocks. "Step on her!" Raige yells. The ogre complies, spraying the surrounding dirt with green Spider Woman guts. That's it? That's the vanquish? Lame. The webbing protecting the cave's entrance melts away. Raige volunteers to deliver the antidote to Big Infected Chris, but the Dolt insists it's his responsibility, and he heads inside.
Cut to the Dolt assisting the restored Piper to her feet. They exchange pleasantries with neither, oddly enough, commenting on Piper's advanced stage of pregnancy. A hissing noise reaches their ears from the depths of the cave. "What's that?" Piper hesitates. "Our little boy," the Dolt replies as Chris Of The Spider Woman emerges from the shadows to glower at them. Concerned for Piper's safety, the Dolt waves a hand around in front of her face, and she immediately orbs outside, where she joins her sisters by the cave's entrance. They barely have time to greet each other before Chris Of The Spider Woman appears in the entranceway to reseal it with webbing of his own. The Glamorous Ladies gape.
Inside, the Dolt backs away from his rapidly advancing and supremely pissed-off son. "C-c-can't we j-j-just talk about this for a minute?" the Dolt stammers. "A minute?" Chris sneers, gripping my useless father-in-law by the throat and slamming him down into Rathmere's remains. "We have the hundred years!" Chris Of The Spider Woman yanks violently on the Dolt's throat and drags him into the final commercial break. Oh, this is going to be good.
The Presidio. Piper deploys her Hands Of Discontent about six times in a row, but nothing's getting through Chris's webbing. The ogre offers to pound rocks some more, but Raige thanks him and tells him they can handle things from here on out. The Stoopid Magikal Kreatures take their leave, allowing Piper enough privacy to berate her sisters for summoning the stupid Dolt in the first place. Phoebe and Raige protest weakly but quickly shut up, because both know better than to fuck with a pissed-off Piper.
The Lair Of The Chris Of The Spider Woman. Chris has trussed up the Dolt in a gigantic spider web. The Dolt, undeterred, decides to goad Chris into attacking him. "Tell me why you hate me so much, Chris. Huh? What did I do to become such a bad dad?" "It doesn't matter anymore," Chris claims, but the Dolt won't relent. "The hell it doesn't," he sneers. "Deep down, you hate my guts -- admit it." Well, I sure as hell will if my husband won't. "Did I miss a school play?" the Dolt continues as Chris menaces ever closer. "Did I take away your favorite toy? Did I play favorites with [the Psycho]?" Apparently so, for Chris bares his fangs at this last, snatches the Dolt up by his shirt, and hurls him across the chamber into a wall of stone. The Dolt hits hard before snipering to the ground. Chris flies across the room to toss the Dolt back up against the wall so he can commence with the smackdown. Hooray! Chris jabs his fists into the Dolt's mighty gut a couple of times before slamming his father into the floor once more. The Dolt grunts.
Outside, Fetal Gay Chris boots his mom in her kidneys. This somehow leads to the realization that if Piper takes the antidote herself, it'll cure Chris Of The Spider Woman, due to the fact that whatever happens to his fetal self affects him as well. Piper snatches the vial out of Phoebe's hand and drains it.
Meanwhile, Chris Of The Spider Woman screams, "You don't know me!" over and over again while repeatedly punching the Dolt in the face. This is beautiful, man. As the antidote takes effect in Piper's uterus outside, Chris Of The Spider Woman glows white and morphs back into Big Gay Chris. In an absolutely awesome bit of business, Big Gay Chris pauses long enough to note that his Glamour-Length Press-On Nails have disappeared, then resumes beating the worthless Dolt until the worthless Dolt bleeds. Hee. Hooray! Chris lands ten more punches with the Foley editors going batshit on the soundtrack until Piper enters the chamber through the now-open entryway to drag my husband off of her ex. "Look at me!" she cries. "It's okay! It's over." Chris, gasping for air, eyes his bloodied father on the cave floor for a moment before stalking out past his aunts into the park. The Glamorous Ladies exchange Looks Fraught With Concern as the Dolt drops his bloodied head to the dirt and the shot cross-fades to the closing travelogue.
Eventually, we land at Not!warts, where the miraculously healed Dolt's dropping off Piper and the Psycho for an extended stay. The Psycho's standing on his own, by the way. He also has a mullet. Evil! Piper and the Dolt hold the Psycho's hands while they chat, and I have to admit, they look pretty cute doing so. The plan, apparently, is for Piper and the Psycho to remain at Not!warts until she goes into labor. Piper urges the Dolt not to give up on Big Gay Chris, then toddles out of the Not-So-Great Room with the Psycho as Gideon arrives for boring! The Dolt orbs out. Gideon twiddles his moustache. I'm seriously going to start calling him Snidely Whiplash.
P3. Dot-bomb yuppies. Guest testicle. Phoebe. She's dragged another one of her "Knock Me Up NOW!" dates to the club, and swings by the bar to pick up a round of drinks from Raige. They chat about Phoebe's date for a bit before Raige totes a tray of cocktails over to the Stoopid Magikal Kreatures on the other side of the bar. Who knew they could drink? From the looks of things, the ogre favors rum and Coke, the assy nymrod's sucking down a screwdriver, and the stupid leprechaun's got a glass of white wine. I hate this show.
The guest testicle leads us into another brief closing travelogue that whisks us over to the Golden Gate Bridge. Chris sits cross-legged atop one of the main supports, quietly regarding the fog-enshrouded traffic on the deck far below. In orbeth the Dolt, who wants to talk. "There's nothing to talk about," Chris replies thickly. "I think there is," the Dolt offers. "It doesn't matter," Chris insists, his eyes wet with tears. It does to the Dolt. "You're my son. I think I deserve to know what I did that's so bad." Chris sighs and glances down before leveling his gaze at the Dolt and admitting, "You were never there for me. You were there for everybody else -- for Mom, [the Psycho], half the world -- but you were never there for me. You didn't have the time." The Dolt, looking guilty, suggests that maybe Chris traveled to the past to salvage not only his brother's life, but also his relationship with his father. Chris begins to weep and sobs, "I doubt it," before orbing away. The Dolt sighs in the breeze as we fade to black.
week, it's another clip show, this time centered on the Glamorous Ladies' collective misdeeds with regard to, um, something. I'm sure it's all Phoebe's fault. Isn't it always?