Episode Report Card Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Revenge of the Retard
By Keckler | Season 8 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.14.2006
Back at the Manor, G.I. Joke, who really belongs in a Beetle Bailey cartoon, leads the kids on maneuvers. It's kind of cute how he crouches down, tells one kid to tie his shoes because "[he's] better'n that," and leads them from the punch bowl to the balloons. But this is all still done with a gun that I don't think is birthday-party-appropriate. I'm not exactly sure what happens next but I think they are ambushed by both the Cowboy and the Indian and everyone runs and screams. Phoebe giggles. Ten bucks says she sleeps with G.I. Joke by the end of the episode. Piper is not amused: "This is not a good time, this is chaos." "Okay, but you gotta admit, the army guy is kinda cute," Phoebe says. Give me my ten bucks. Also? I preemptively agreed with Phoebe. Please kill me. Piper tells her to forget it because G.I. Joke isn't anatomically correct. Ew. What does he have down there? A Ken blank? By the way, I love how Piper automatically assumes (like the rest of us) that when Phoebe expresses slight interest in the opposite sex, it means she wants to get into their camouflage pants. Piper wants Phoebe to fix the Village People, but Phoebe can't because the Psycho's the one who cast the spell. Piper's blaming Phoebe for putting the idea in to his head. "I was just playing with the dolls with him to try to make him to open up about his emotions -- that's all," Phoebe argues. Next time, try voodoo dolls. You might have better luck if you speak the Psycho's language. Raige hisses at them from the landing and tells them she has a 911. Upstairs, Raige explains the situation and asks them to bring the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's son down to the BANK. She tells them to call the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's work to find out how to locate the son. She also wants them to put a call into Agent Murphy and have him tell the S.W.A.T. team "not to get trigger-happy," because she doesn't want Product-Placed Iraqi Vet to get killed. "Tell [the Psycho] I said 'Happy birthday,' okay?" Raige pleads before orbing out. Piper's glad the Dolt is too busy playing hide-and-seek with some freezer-burned Pudding Pops to see this.
At the BANK, more threats from the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet. I'm so bored by him, I'd love it if the S.W.A.T. team got trigger-happy. He bangs on the bathroom door and hollers at Raige. I don't think she's going to help him get any more loans if he forces her to pinch off a loaf prematurely. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet kicks the door in, and Raige storms out, crabbing something about privacy. I hope she lit a match. While the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet bellows at Loan Officer to hurry up with his cash packing, some random hostage eyes a gun that is barely concealed in a beige backpack. Gesturing at some makeup and pens spilling from the hostages' pooled purses and things, Raige whisper-questions the Retard as to whether she thinks she can make a potion. The Retard thought she didn't want to use magic, but Raige thinks it might not look like magic since they aren't magical ingredients. So instead of a Vanishing Potion, it will be a Vanishing Cream Potion? I don't get it. The Retard grabs at some stuff as the police megaphone that they want to talk to the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet on the phone. Outside, some head cop (I don't pretend to know anything about police ranking) holds a cell phone to his ear while an underling dresses him in a bulletproof vest. The Lester the Possessor's Minion continues to look passively on. Back inside, the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet finally answers the phone and says he wants a helicopter and clear airspace in twenty minutes. Lt. Sanchez -- the head cop -- says he can't authorize that. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet makes with the threats some more. Sanchez tries to talk to him, but gets interrupted by one of his men bringing over another phone with Homeland Security on the line. Annoyed, Sanchez takes the cell phone, makes faces, gets annoyed, but finally agrees to what they're saying. I find it hysterical that he agrees by saying, "Very well." Does anyone say "very well" except in plays or on television? I can certainly attest that I've never said it. Sanchez tells the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet that he's got his chopper. What about his free airspace?