Episode Report Card Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Revenge of the Retard
By Keckler | Season 8 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.14.2006
Little boy's bear
Show me how you care
Tell me how you'd feel
If you were real
Scary orange light flows out of Crusty Ted's face and mother of god, he blinks! And then he talks! I want an exorcism for my television. In a weird baby voice, Crusty Ted tells us that he's so sad, he wants to cry all the time. Someone shove some Zoloft down his stuffed throat. "No, why are you sad, Bear?" Phoebe wants to know. The Psycho's bored with these bloodless Sesame Street fumblings and looks over at his toy G.I. Joke, Indian in the Cupboard, and Billy the Kidd. He blinks, and G.I. Joke, Indian, and Billy flare up into the Village People. Oh my awesome, the Psycho just invited THE VILLAGE PEOPLE to his birthday party! Hey, Piper? You still think you're getting grandchildren out of this one? The Psycho twists his blood-red mouth up into a smile at his Village People as Phoebe gasps at the Psycho's Real Dolls, "How did you do that?!" G.I. Joke offers his hand, and instead of biting it off and leaving a bloody stump, the Psycho takes the hand and stands up. Phoebe whimpers as the doorbell rings. The Psycho gives his Village People a thumbs-up, which is code for, "Bring me my guests heads on a platter, marinated in their own lymph nodes."
Downstairs, Piper lets in all manner of sticky rugrats and their parents and starts bellowing for Phoebe.
At the BANK, Raige tells the Retard to chill, after which the loan officer tells Product-Placed Iraqi Vet that his loan has been declined. "You know what? This is a bunch of bull," Product-Placed Iraqi Vet announces. "Why don't you come right out and say it?" Henry tries to get him to calm down, but alas, Product-Placed Iraqi Vet will not be consoled. He yells about being a dumped-on Product-Placed Iraqi Vet, which...it's not Vietnam, dude. I mean, yes, all manner of crap and horrors is going on over there, but you're not getting spit on the way the Vietnam vets were. You're living in an entirely different political climate where those who don't support the war are the ones who feel threatened by the flag-chewing, Bush-licking, stupid big-ass car-ribbon-sticking general public. Fuck you, Kern, for even trying to make a comparison with how the Vietnam vets were treated -- you dishonor them with your piss-poor little show. And I totally didn't mean to sound like a Klingon there -- I'm just so mad! Product-Placed Iraqi Vet yells some more and won't listen to anyone as he hissyfits out of the BANK. The Retard watches him go and you just KNOW she's thinking, "Okay, back to me now!" Raige pleads with Loan Officer for an exception, just this once. "There's nothing I can do -- he's a criminal," Loan Officer explains. "Hey, he's not a criminal -- he's a VETERAN. Jerk!" Henry retorts. Well, technically, Henry, he is a criminal also. I mean, if he weren't? You wouldn't be there. Raige pulls Henry away from Loan Officer. While Henry babbles on about Product-Placed Iraqi Vet not being able to catch a break at any other bank, we hear tires squealing. The Retard idly looks out the doors and sees a Volvo (a VOLVO?) barreling towards them. She squeals at Raige to look out. Raige mugs in confusion, and Henry yanks her to the ground. I'm surprised she didn't reflexively orb. After the glass stops falling, Product-Placed Iraqi Vet, sans crappy jacket, gets out of the car and waves a gun around. Who in San Francisco would sell a gun to an ex-con? The bank alarm goes off. "Now, about that loan," Product-Placed Iraqi Vet begins.Chaos of the normal birthday party kind screams over at the Manor. Man, all those kids, all that noise, all those streamers? Yeah, I don't think I can ever have kids. Two cats are more than enough for us. Some blonde in a white cropped jean jacket over a blue tee-shirt that is belted with a...silver medallion link belt? who clearly thinks she's in San Diego rather than San Francisco, asks after the birthday boy. Instead of telling her that he's upstairs mauling a few of the other children, Piper shrieks, "PHOEBE!" Phoebe and the Psycho descend the steps, and everyone applauds the grinning freak. Yeah, they applaud because they're scared of what will happen to them if they don't. It's like that cartoon-obsessed kid in Twilight Zone: The Movie. Better watch out, Phoebe, or the Psycho might erase your mouth! Wouldn't I love that, though? Phoebe nervously shakes some packages under Piper's inquisitive stare and queries about where she's been. Ignoring this, Phoebe thinks that the party is such a success that they should think about wrapping it up. Piper gets suspicious, but is distracted by an arrow plowing through her living room to wedge itself in the antique woodwork. The San Diego blonde screams her pneumatic head off while the Psycho's Village People make a big ruckus. Phoebe tries to pretend they are hired performers for the party. Right. Because no San Francisco mother would have a problem with a performer waving a gun around at a three-year-old's birthday party. Even more, I think the Berkeley mothers would have a bigger problem with the Cigar Store Indian performing at a party. The Indian pidgins something about going back on a word and breaking a promise. Billy the Kidd counters that it's not his fault, it's the Indian's fault. Before they start actually playing Cowboys and Indians, Phoebe tries to calm them down. Piper bugs her eyes around at the guests, but whips back around to face the staircase as a bellowing G.I. Joke tramps down. "All right, troops," G.I. Joke shouts, "we got some re-CON to do!" Was it totally inappropriate for me to lose it when G.I. Joke gives his belt a particularly violent hike as he says, "re-CON"? The kids and parents appear to be delighted. Phoebe hides behind balloons as Piper yowls that she's in BIG TROUBLE.