Episode Report Card Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Revenge of the Retard
By Keckler | Season 8 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.14.2006
Outside, the PPPIV makes with the threats on the Retaige's life if anyone gets near, and we hear that the snipers can't get a clean shot on the PPPIV. The Retaige and the PPPIV get into the helicopter and take off. This is where the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's flight experience in Iraq comes in handy, I suppose.
BANK. Henry is put on a gurney, even though he argues he's all good. The paramedics remind him that he was shot in the stomach. Wait, he was? Well, that blows my non-theory all to hell. But still, no ripped shirt. Gonna get suspicious! "I know this sounds crazy, I feel fine," Henry pleads. At the very least he might need a blood transfusion, right? I mean, I get the healing part, but does healing also replenish blood loss? The paramedic tells Henry that he's very lucky since the bullet missed every major organ. Henry asks Ratard if there's any word from the Retaige. For some reason, Rose McGowan decided that getting laryngitis was the best way to imitate Cuoco, so she rasps her way through her lines about the helicopter being found in Harding Park with no sign of the Retaige or the PPPIV. Henry notes that she's not worried. "Well, you don't know [the Retaige] like I do, she's a pretty savvy girl," Ratard Billie Goat Gruffs, "she'll be all right. I hope." Henry "mm-hmms" a few times before Ratard tries to take off to call Piper and let her know what's going on. Henry tells Ratard that she was all he could think about. Rose McGowan does do a good job of imitating Cuoco here with the widened eyes and the exaggerated gasps before talking. Ratard responds to Henry's melting look and words with, "Oh! Okay! Uh, well, I'll see you soon, Henry!" She leaves.Piper and Phoebe make a potion. Ratard calls in to say "they" should be there any second. Piper confirms that it is indeed Lester the Possessor since that's who they're making the potion for. Ratard is certain and tells them she'll be there soon.
Not!warts. The PPPIV throws the Retaige to the floor and taunts her lack of Charmed protection. He also tells her she's never going to find the Milk Carton after all. The PPPIV tells the lesser demons to have at the Retaige, and a few raise and launch energy balls. "Energy balls!" the Retaige cries out and slams them back at the demons, who are then vanquished. "Surprise!" she perks, and grabs the PPPIV's ankle. They orb out...
...into the attic. The Retaige rolls away, and Piper and Phoebe throw potions at the PPPIV, who turns his head and coughs. The Product-Placed Iraqi Vet rolls his eyes back and falls to the floor as Lester the Possessor is forced out of him. "How? But you can't orb!" Lester the Possessor growls. "No, but [Raige] can," the Retaige says, and deglamours into Raige. I swear, the glamour crap on this show is like the transporter malfunction of Star Trek. Piper explains that Raige and the Retard switched identities during the Coty bomb. "Talkin' about me?" the Retard says, clomping in and picking up a potion. "This one?" "Sure," Piper says. Lester the Possessor makes to smear out, but Piper flaps her Hands of Discontent at him. He falls back on an antique divan that hasn't yet been destroyed as the Retard steps forward. "So, uh, where were we?" the Retard lisps. She flings the potion and vanquishes Lester the Possessor's ass. The Retard turns back to the sisters and apologizes for how far her obsession took her, but she wants to get the Milk Carton back before someone turns it into a window box garden. Piper understands her plight, because she wants to get the Dolt back before someone defrosts him for dinner. "But that doesn't mean I run around half-cocked all the time to do it," Piper finishes. The Retard has learned her lesson about vengeance, and says all she wants to do is bring her Milk Carton back before her expiration date. Phoebe wonders what to do with the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet. Oh, throw him a parade. It's what he wants. Raige thinks all they can do is orb the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet and the Retard back to the park and have the Retard call for help. They all brush the Product-Placed Iraqi Vet's inevitable return to prison aside, as the Retard asks how Henry made such a miraculous recovery. "Well, I don't really think we need to discuss that now," Raige squints. Piper demands to know what happened. "Well, I think that [Raige] healed him," the Retard announces. "By yourself?" Piper wonders. Raige insists it's not a big deal. "Well, it makes sense, you are half Whitelighter," Phoebe blasés. This is the second week in a ROW that Phoebe has been all "Whatever" about someone getting a new power. She's just jealous that her Fucking Backup Band split up and that she's (hopefully) permanently grounded. Piper insists that something "pretty extreme" must have happened for Raige to effect a heal: "What were you feeling?" "Love, maybe?" the Retard wonders. "Don't make me sorry that I saved you," Raige overmugs. Hey, I'm already sorry -- does that count?