Episode Report Card Wing Chun: D | 2 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT None Of The Above
By Wing Chun | Season 3 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.12.1999
Football scene. "Tertiary" Henry Parker gives him some advice about going fetal when he gets hit. Jack gets tackled. The Flash continues to look like Jughead Jones on 'roids. Jack whines that the tackles are putting up more of a fight than they should because he's gay. The Flash pretty much tells him that they're singling him out because he sucks. Jack runs the gauntlet of tackles again, with more success this time. Whatever.
Down at the docks, Joey puts cans of pop in a cooler while her boss, Rob "Alex Kelly" DockDude tells her a story about some guy he knows who isn't (in Rob's estimation) "a ladies' man," and that Rob had told this guy that it all comes down to the simple rule of giving the ladies what they want. Joey suggests that Rob give her what she wants. He looks intrigued, and says he thought she'd never ask. When she deflates his tiny boner by telling him she wants Friday off to study for the PSATs, he agrees, and says he remembers what it was like to be in school, although he didn't take that test himself. He then tells her that he paid "some brainiac" $2000 to take the PSATs for him. Okay, I am Canadian; we don't even have the full-on SAT here, and even I knew it was incongruous for Rob to have paid someone any amount of money, much less that much, to take them in his stead. But whatever. Joey asks if "Daddy built the university," and Rob said he just endowed it. Rob invites her on a date. She tells him first that she's married, and then that she's a lesbian. He says, "Anyone I know?" She sort of chuckles. He presses her, and she finally asks, "Would it be all right if I just said no?" He says it's no problem and mopes off. Joey makes the grapefruit face. I am telling you, this guy has upper-class rapist written all over him.
Dawson reads in his room. He hears noises outside and glances up to see an apple perched on his windowsill. Unfortunately, it's Eve. She says she was searching for the perfect apple, and tells him to find out if it tastes as good as it looks. He says, "And if I do?" I say, "You know, Ted Kaczynski knows what is coming next. Why must you bludgeon us so?" Eve says that he'll forever know the difference between good and evil. Because it's an apple. And her name is Eve. GET IT? GOD, you people are killing me. She invites him to sit out on the roof, and he comments that he hasn't sat out there since he and Joey...but before he can finish, Eve asks if he means "the ubiquitous brunette" who hasn't yet learned the power she has over men. Dawson tells her about the sleepovers. Eve says she had a boy next door named Monroe, and that they had adjoining houses on the base, which Dawson cleverly interprets to mean she's an army brat. Eve says she and Monroe could see into each other's bedrooms (and I'm not sure how that would work in adjoining houses, but whatever), but that the relationship was doomed because Monroe was her dad's commanding officer. I'm not surprised -- she is thirty, after all. Dawson looks shocked, but before he can ask her about it, she tells him she's brought him something else, and smacks a manila envelope down in front of him. Long story short, it is, very improbably, a copy of the PSAT. Dawson tries to refuse it, and she tells him not to be so selfish, since even if his moral code forbids him from making use of it himself, he probably knows someone who would like a chance to use it. Then -- get this -- she says, "The apple was a metaphor, Dawson. This is the real thing." At that point I ran out to my front lawn and wrote "We get it" in cursive writing using gasoline. And then I set it on fire. Because WE GET IT.