Episode Report Card Jessica: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ego Tripping At The Gates Of Hell
By Jessica | Season 6 | Episode 7 | Aired on 11.05.2002
Audrey swears that she's fine. "Have you never gotten drunk before?" she asks. Joey admits that she has, but says that it's usually been because she's feeling awful about something. She's just trying to make sure that Audrey doesn't feel awful. I must contradict myself somewhat in order to point out that Joey should try getting drunk because she's happy about something, because that's considerably more fun. Audrey buttons her blouse and snaps that she's not feeling like having "a soulful exchange about how [Audrey] is bad and [Joey] is good." Joey says that's not where she was going. "You know, you've mastered the art of holier than thou, Joey," Audrey begins. "Don't feed me a bunch of crap about how you don't need to drink or do drugs to have fun because I've given it some thought and you know what? I've never seen you have fun a day in my life, except for that whole singing thing and even then you were just imitating me." Joey looks both pissed and about a foot taller than Audrey is. She finally suggests that they talk about it in the morning, before someone says something they regret. She tries to walk away. "God! Would you stop protecting me?" Audrey yells after her. "I'm so sick of living in this little antiseptic universe that you've all created, where we sit around and we drink sodas and we talk about how glad we are that we're all friends, which is ridiculous, Joey, because what kind of friend wouldn't know that I broke up with my boyfriend?" Joey stutters another apology for this, but Audrey won't hear it. She spits that she doesn't want "someone who completely dropped out of [her] life judging it." Joey just looks sad. "I mean, did you even notice I was depressed before I upset your little boyfriend from Southie?" Audrey spits. "[Oliver] is not my boyfriend," is Joey's admittedly not unselfish response. Audrey just nods tightly. "Right," she says and heads for the door. "I think it's really frigging pathetic that that's the only thing you feel the need to comment on." She pushes her way past Joey and out of the bathroom. Joey looks sad and a little stunned. First and foremost: I've never seen a bar bathroom that empty that long. Everyone knows that if you want to have a long chat with your friend in the bathroom of a bar, you have to accept that you'll be sharing said discussion with twelve other strangers. Second, nice scene from those two.
Professor Unambiguously Closeted and Jack wander outside the book signing. On the steps, Professor Unambiguously Closeted apologizes for boring Jack, who politely insists that he wasn't bored. Professor Unambiguously Closeted looks off into the distance Meaningfully, a pose I'm sure the actor learned from his stint on daytime television. Don't take that as a slam against the soaps: I love soap operas. It's my dream to write for a soap opera (think of the narrative freedom! Kill a character, bring him back to life, give him an evil twin, make him into a woman -- you can do anything you want). I just think some soap actors make a better transition to more traditional venues that others. Professor Unambiguously Closeted is clearly still working from his textbooks from The Joey Tribbiani Smell The Fart School Of Acting. After this long moment of gazing off into the distance, Professor Unambiguously Closeted tells Jack that there's a bit in his book that was inspired by something Jack said in class one day about the "asexuality of good guys in film." Jack says nothing. "You were right. Not just in class. You were right about a lot of things," Professor Unambiguously Closeted says. Jack looks at his feet and tells Professor Unambiguously Closeted that he wasn't waiting around to hear that, if that's what Professor Unambiguously Closeted thinks. "Why were you waiting?" Professor Unambiguously Closeted asks. Jack shrugs his shoulders and says that it's sad to him that one of the most popular and inspirational professors in the entire school "had to hide the part of himself that's real." Professor Unambiguously Closeted has no real response to this. "You know what?" Jack asks. "However long it took you to get here, at least you did it, and that's why I'm standing out here in the cold." Jack McPhee: dragging professors and frat boys out of the closet, one good-looking man at a time. Professor Unambiguously Closeted says that he wishes he'd come out of the closet sooner. Well, not in so many words, but that's the drift. He gives Jack a long, appraising look, in much the same vein as the look I gave the pork loin I bought at the market last night. Let's see: firm meat, nice pink flesh. Looks tasty! "Maybe it's too late, you tell me," Professor Unambiguously Closeted finally leers. Jack stares at him. If he throws over tiny elfin gay David, the only character on this show about whom I have no serious reservations, I will officially lose my shit. "I think you can consider your shit well and truly lost long ago," the Mulder action figure mutters. Jack finally shakes his head. "I can't," he says. And thank God. Professor Unambiguously Closeted apologizes. "I've kept someone waiting all night that the timing was actually right with," Jack further explains. "It's late. I've got to go. I've got to go." And so he does.