Episode Report Card Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Hoshi and the Beast
By Keckler | Season 3 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.14.2003
Enterprise. Hoshi insists that she's comfortable with the request and doesn't think that Alien Von Stalker, bart. would harm her. Quantum thinks otherwise, because he can sense that the alien baronet is hiding something. Reed says there's no reason they can't put off looking for Bad Breath Star II to orbit the planet for awhile. Hoshi doesn't think they have the luxury of dealing with only one problem at a time. I have a question: If the condition is that Hoshi stay with the alien baronet, why not send her down with Reed, or May-Without-Or-Without-You, or an Uh-Oh, as a bodyguard? Hoshi insists to Quantum that she can take care of herself in order to get information about the Xindi weapon.
The Cliffs of Insanity. Quantum presents a piece of the Psycho Bocce Ball, which Alien Von Stalker, bart. touches and identifies that he knows exactly what it was used for. Considering that he can read Hoshi's mind, that's not much of a guess. He puts out his hand for Hoshi's bag and says, "May I?" He makes sure their hands touch as she hands it over. Ew. It's not that I'm grossed out because he's not my kind of alien -- it's more that he's so damn creepy with his whole ESPeeping Tom persona, and now this gratuitous touching. Reminds me of the time I was riding the escalator down to the Porter Square T and some random forty-year-old guy riding up just reached out and purposely touched my hand. Far worse things have happened on the T, but that was just...icky. I think it was that it was so bland and unexpected. Quantum notices all this, and Hoshi asks for a moment with him. Alien Von Stalker, bart. leaves them alone. Quantum tells Hoshi to stay on her toes, and Hoshi says, "I think that falls under the 'goes without saying' category, sir." Saucy! Quantum asks if she has a phase pistol. "I'll keep it under my pillow," Hoshi says. Quantum stares at her for a moment, as if realizing that might be where she'd need it most, and says, "You know how to reach me," very brusquely before leaving. Hoshi stands in the hallway and looks around.
High Table at Formal Hall. Alien Von Stalker, bart. sets the table. Ooh! He has the exact same glasses we do! They're these extra-tall martini glasses Crate and Barrel made and has since discontinued called "Cocktail Exquisite." The length of their stem makes me feel like I'm Auntie Mame. Just looking at them makes me thirsty. Hoshi walks in and tentatively asks, "Do you always eat like this?" Don't believe me? Ask the dishes! Name one household in America that didn't sing out that line at that precise moment. Alien Von Stalker, bart. says he only eats like this when he has company. "I thought you'd enjoy something...familiar," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says, pulling silver covers off dishes to reveal a day-old slice of pizza -- possibly with pineapple slices and Canadian bacon -- as well as a hamburger and a dish of macaroni and cheese. "Programming these dishes was a challenge -- I had to recreate their tastes and textures based from your memory," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. You know, if he doesn't want her to go screaming into the night, he might want to chill on how much time he's spent rolling around in her thoughts. He invites Hoshi to eat, and as she takes a bite of the pizza, he says, "It should approximate the recipe from Fiorello's on Fountain Street in San Francisco." Right now, Fountain Street in San Francisco is exactly one block long, immured in a completely residential neighborhood, and has nothing commercial on it. You'd think they could have picked something more typically commercial like Haight or the Embarcadero. "You've certainly done your homework," Hoshi says, nodding with cautious satisfaction. "I've enjoyed it," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. Dude, cut it out. You're a freak. Hoshi points at another covered dish and asks what it is. "Dessert. It's a delicacy from the Arakon System. I think you'll enjoy it," Alien Von Stalker, bart. says. What it looks like is a blue crab covered in green spongy seaweed with yellow eggs hanging onto its ass. Not exactly rumbly in the tumbly. Hoshi says her stomach's a little unsettled. Alien Von Stalker, bart. chuckles and says, "You told your grandmother that every time she tried to serve you soba noodles. Now, it's one of your favorite foods." This has gone beyond creepy; now it's just annoying and showoffy.
Hoshi turns the tables on him and says it's only fair that she know as much about him as he knows about her. He tells her his homeworld is thirty light years away. "A wonderful place to live, provided you're not born telepathic," Alien Von Stalker, bart. Says. "The odds are one in fifty million. I was among the unlucky few. We're considered a threat to the rest of the population." You don't say? With all the unauthorized hacking into Hoshi's mind, memories, and feelings you've done, they considered you a threat? I don't believe it! Pathetically, Alien Von Stalker, bart. Says that the telepaths of his race are sent to live out their lives in exile in places like the Cliffs of Insanity. Why don't all the telepaths form a union, or live in exile together? I guess that could be a pretty dysfunctional society. "Don't think of me in that tone of voice!" "Hey, I didn't take your teddy bear -- why did you hit me?" "Because you were thinking of taking it!" Then again, I guess you would dodge the hit because you could anticipate it. Alien Von Stalker, bart. raises a glass and toasts solitude: "I think you're familiar with it." Hoshi doesn't know what he means. "Your parents learned that you were gifted, so you spent your childhood with private tutors, studying languages. You thought it was normal to go through your days alone," Alien Von Stalker, bart. tells her. Evidently, they no longer have gifted camps in the future. Hoshi stares at him. Alien Von Stalker, bart. apologizes and says he forgets how little she realizes he knows about her. And hey -- I thought we were learning about him, and suddenly he turns back to creeping us all out by babbling about Hoshi's life.