Episode Report Card Aaron: B- | 4 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT So Long, And Thanks For All The Dick
By Aaron | Season 6 | Episode 8 | Aired on 02.22.2003
You know, of all the things that annoyed me about this finale (and I assure you that my grievances were legion), the one that bothered me the most is that we never even get an explanation of why Cutler left all his crap to Alvarez. I mean, even if the writers just needed a cheap and flimsy excuse to set Miguel up for a romance with the ex-wife of a dead racist, don't you think it's incumbent upon them to at least, I don't know, tell us what that cheap and flimsy excuse might be? Anyway, Miguel and The Widow Cutler are seated in The Great Visiting Room Of Hand-Jobs And Hokey Love Scenes, gazing deeply into each other's eyes and whispering sweet nothings about drug overdoses and the tribal nature of Oz's racial politics. When they lean in for the big kiss, we see a surly-looking biker observing them in the background, so you just know this means trouble for sweet, sweet Miguel. And here comes that trouble now, as the ever-dwindling crew of Aryans pins him against a gymnasium wall to receive a stern talking-to from Schillinger. You'd think that the sight of my two favorite prisoners trading witty repartee and foreign-language profanities would be enough to excite me, but it's not until Schillinger calls The Widow Cutler a "stupid cunt who doesn't know her place" that things really start to heat up. Alvarez pops Vern right in the nose with a punch that can definitely be classified as "manly," and then turns turtle as the other Aryans start pounding on him. Hey, is that Rob Zombie?
Down in the hospital, Dr. Nathan is patching up Alvarez while McManus pesters him for details about the fight. Timmy also exposits that Luis The Parole Board Guy has agreed to meet with Miguel, and then offers up his palm in what may very well be the dorkiest request for a high-five ever. God, I hate McManus. ["I would set my life on any chance to mend it, or be rid of [him]." -- Macbeth (Act III. Scene i.)] When Alvarez limps back to Em City, he's immediately accosted by Torquemada, who's traded in his kickin' black boots for a fishnet shirt and flame-red scarf. Man, I totally want to see this guy trading fashion accessory tips with Robson. Now that would rock. Torquemada claims to need Miguel's help in resuming his drug trade, but his real motives are made clear when he finally breaks down and admits that Miguel is "so fucking sexy." "I like straight boys best," he continues before -- wait for it -- LICKING THE GLASS of Miguel's pod. Damn. I'm honestly not sure whether I should be really disgusted or questioning my sexuality right now. The power of the Sex-Eye is not to be trifled with.
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