Episode Report Card Aaron: B- | 4 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT So Long, And Thanks For All The Dick
By Aaron | Season 6 | Episode 8 | Aired on 02.22.2003
Boot Hill. Enough said.
Here comes the shortest section of the program, this one featuring Arif and Crackhead Cosby. Well, there's always room for Jell-O, I guess. After Arif confesses that he can no longer live with the guilt of profiting from Redding's destruction of the printing press, he finds himself summarily dismissed from the Muslim prayer group. They also punch him a few times, leaving his shirt ripped to tatters and soaked in an improbably large amount of blood. I mention that only because it will be important later. When he explains the situation to McManus, Arif ends up thrown in the Em City cage, and Crackhead Cosby ends up getting sent to solitary. Sigh. Whatever. Not even a brief appearance by Business Barbie and her paper-thin pink T-shirt that's as close as we're going to get to female nudity this season is enough to rouse me from my "I Can't Believe There's Still A Full Hour To Go" stupor. Farewell, Crackhead Cosby. May your gait always be shambling, and your pudding pops always ice-cold.
Cherry Hill. Or maybe that should be "Benny Hill," seeing as how Augustus is surrounded by the entire population of Oz as they all peruse various pornographic magazines. Here's a story, and it's stupid: The state of Wisconsin has banned all sexually explicit materials that prisoners can receive through the mail. This includes -- among other things -- Playboy, Maxim, and photographs of The Sistine Chapel. This bit actually does have a very impressive special effect, as the naked women in the porn magazines are replaced by various religious icons, but I definitely could have lived without the shot of Ryan O'Reily groping his crotch. I may be alone on that one, though.
Woo hoo! It's Torquemada time! The Sex-Eye strolls along the upper tier of Em City, stopping just long enough to confirm that the Italians outside of Oz have given Pancamo their blessing to do business with him. "I don't intend to be a silent partner," snaps Chucky, although he does struggle a bit with the big-boy words. You know, like "intend" and "silent." ["Be innocent of the knowledge, dearest chuck, till thou applaud the deed." -- Macbeth (Act III. Scene ii.)] From there Torquie moves over to join Alvarez, and after some over-sexed dialogue about "dialing a dago," he once again leans in for a sexy sniff before departing. Man, why can't I be more like Torquemada? Nobody ever thinks MY post-nasal drip is sexy.
Cut to Alvarez, sniffing his pants as they come out of the dryer. Heh. Guerra comes into the laundry room toting a shiny new boom box, and tells Miguel that he received it as a gift from Torquemada, along with a few free tabs of Destiny to enhance his music-listening pleasure. He pops a couple, and is soon dancing around like madman and stripping off almost all his clothes. I'd mock him, but anyone who's ever seen me dance (meaning anyone who was at my Bar Mitzvah and no one else ever) knows that I myself have two left feet and strange penchant for spontaneous nudity, so perhaps I should just keep my mouth shut. Alvarez grows increasingly frantic as Guerra's gyrations grow increasingly frenzied, and soon enough the music gets shut off and Guerra comes down with a massive case of that DTs. He screams and wails about the bugs coming out of his skin, and then because we haven't seen anything truly disgusting in at least sixty seconds or so, he proceeds to claw his fingernails across his neck a few times and then collapse to the floor in a bloody heap. Guerra gets rushed to the hospital ward, and then all the hacks rush to Em City for a shakedown, where they find Destiny tabs in almost every cell. Hey, how come we've never seen that one fat inmate with the mullet before? He looks like he'd be pretty funny.
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