Episode Report Card M. Giant: B- | 55 USERS: B+ YOU GRADE IT Lis-Bon Voyage
By M. Giant | Season 23 | Episode 3 | Aired on 10.13.2013
Ally & Ashley are already at the Roadblock, and apparently it's pretty much a no-brainer (luckily) for Ally to take this one in honor of her Portuguese grandpa. The Afghanimals come running up while Ashley's helping Ally into her armor, and Ally's saying her grandpa's going to be mad if she doesn't do this well. I think her grandpa's more likely to be mad that she thinks he's old enough to have ever fired a ballista at a castle wall in the first place.
Ally's first shot goes wide, as does Jamal's. He also refers to himself as "J-Weezy," which makes me want him to stand between the ballistas and the targets. Ally's second shot at least hits the wall, and then Jamal's hits a shield, which takes the Afghanimals from seventh to sixth place. Dammit. Ally cranks up for her second shot, as she VOs that her grandfather grew up in Portugal and taught her archery, which is pretty different from this. Still, Ally looks semi-credible as she set her sights on the target with one eye and hears her grandpa's voice in her head like a snarky Obi-Wan Kenobi. And she hits a shield this time, so they are still in seventh place.
Tim & Marie reach the Roadblock in eighth place, and Tim starts winding up the ballista. From the sidelines, Marie says, "If he does well on this then we won't fight because he couldn't do anything at the tile thing." This assumes, rather tellingly, that Marie is the only one initiating any fights. He nails one of the few remaining shields on the first try, lucky for him. "First shot, baby," he gloats mildly. "I was born in this era." Marie still has an impatient "come on" for him, though. As they get back in their cab, she says she'll kill herself if they're last. On the ride to the castle, she also mentions that they haven't seen any teams since the "Ice-ghanimals" and there's a good chance they're last. I actually kind of appreciate Marie coming up with the character-saving coinage "Ice-ghanimals," but I'd appreciate it more if she'd done it earlier in the episode and also if she weren't such an asshole.
So the Ice-Ghanimals run up the castle wall in tandem, Leo & Jamal waiting for the blondes but not long enough to actually let them pass. They're still making their way up the wall when Marie spots the castle through their cab window, but the alliance makes it to the mat together, in sixth and seventh place. This means more sleazy Afghanimal-ling at the beginning of the next leg too. Joy.
And then Tim & Marie arrive at the mat. "Just tell us," Marie pants as Phil stretches out the moment. Finally he gravely says, "I'm sorry to tell you that you are the last team to arrive." They look completely defeated until Phil adds, "Except for one." Awesome; he hates her too. As they collapse in relief, Phil smirks to Marie that she must have got a little scared today. When she tries to downplay it, Phil totally breaks character and literally says, "Aw, COME ON," which is awesome. Marie insists that if she'd really been scared she would have used the Express Pass. "And we all know who's in control of the Pass," she says. Phil says, "I think you're in control of everything, quite frankly," and Marie agrees that she's in control of the whole race, completely unaware that Phil's fucking with her. But she's glad they still have both Express Passes. So am I, because this means more never shutting up about them. For some reason, the greeter asks Phil, "Can she trade him for me?" Hold hard and have a care for what thou wishes, Sir Shallow Hal.
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