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The nine remaining teams are asked to fly from Santiago all the way to Lisbon, Portugal, which entails a lot of airport intrigue. And for once the term "airport intrigue" isn't an overstatement. Chester & Ephraim get screwed at first by a travel agent who mistakenly books them on a flight a day after everyone else, but as other teams book passage on flights that land at or before noon, Team NFL goes with an itinerary with two connections, which means they're screwed if there's a delay. Which there is, and which they are. Also, the Afghanimals try to draw the Okies into their alliance (and a flight through London) with the Blondes, but the Okies think better of it when they find themselves being grilled by Marie. And then the baseball wives, or "Bunnies," manage to jump ahead of Tim & Marie for standby seats during the transfer in Sao Paolo. And you can imagine how much Marie is pissed off by another team acting like Marie.
When the first three teams (Nicole & Travis, Jason & Amy, and Nicky & Kim) land in Lisbon at last, they have to hop a streetcar to a rooftop clue that's in the form of a painting directing them to a horse-drawn coach museum. That gives them the Detour options of either completing a life-sized human figure puzzle using ceramic tiles, or plotting a the total distance of Magellan's complicated intercontinental course on a giant outdoor map. Nicole & Travis and Jason & Amy work together to complete that pretty efficiently.
Brandon & Adam and Tim & Danny are the net to reach Lisbon, while Nicky & Kim are working on the tile puzzle. Meanwhile, the lead teams proceed to a Roadblock where one teammate has to fire a ballista at some shields 150 feet away before getting the clue to the Pit Stop. Jason nails that on his first try, so this leg seems his and Amy's to lose. Which they do, amid confusion over the road signs on the approach, so Nicole & Travis make it to the mat first for the second time -- and this time it counts. Jason & Amy end up in second place.
Then the Blondes and the Afghanimals land in Lisbon, noisily as usual. And then so does everyone else -- except Chester & Ephraim, who are stranded again, this time in London. Meanwhile, Nicky & Kim come in third, and the blondes and Afghanimals completely faceplant at the map Detour, to the obvious disdain of the guy in the Magellan costume. Tim & Danny arrive in fourth place while the "race spouses" switch to the tile task, and Brandon & Adam end up in fifth. When Tim & Marie arrive at the tile Detour, Jamal lies to them about how long it takes, in order to fool them into wasting their Express Pass. The hell of it is, it almost works, as the exes get flustered and break a bunch of tiles.
But after completing the ballista Detour, the Afghanimals and the blondes make it to the Pit Stop in tandem, in sixth and seventh. Then when Tim & Marie make it to the mat with their Express Pass still in hand, Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive -- except one.
Because when Chester & Ephraim finally land in Lisbon that night, they're met at the airport by Phil, who for the first time ever Philiminates a team right there in the terminal. So instead of a cab, they'll be catching a flight right to Sequesterville. That has to be the most spectacular drop from first to last ever.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!"The country of Chile narrowly stretches over 3,100 miles between the Pacific Ocean and the majestic Andes mountains," Phil narrates over some video of both geographical features, as though I don't make fun of Chile's land-orexia every time they go there. "And this popular mountain retreat is now the start of the third leg in a race around the world," he says while lurking in the darkness of the nature preserve, sometime before or after he Philiminated Rowan & Shane at the end of the second leg. But that was then and this is now, specifically at 6:27 PM, when last week's winners, Chester & Ephraim, begin the leg. And yes, it is dark again. They read a clue telling them to fly to Lisbon, Portugal.
"Teams will now fly to Lisbon, Portugal," we are informed by an unusually tight-lipped Phil. "When they land, they must make their way to Martim Moniz Square and ride a tram to the top of the hill, where they'll receive their clue." Team NFL gets into a cab, where they talk about how they're used to other people booking everything for them when they traveled with the team, so all they ever had to do was show up. But now, Chester says, "We're on our own, and I'm okay with that." Because it's not like anything could go wrong when they're setting up their own air travel, right?
The second-place team, Afghanimals Leo & Jamal, are surprisingly far behind, leaving the mat at 6:39 PM. This despite the fact that they were the first to arrive at the Pit Stop at the end of the leg, which means it took them at least 13 minutes to walk back to their cabdriver, pay the man, and return to Phil. This, in turn, means there were at least 14 minutes of arguing between them, and undoubtedly much more. Fortunately for us, they appear to be over it as they learn they're flying to Lisbon. Unfortunately for us, as they talk about getting to use their Portuguese, they're still noisy as hell. I mean honestly, who ululates like that inside a taxi?
Brandon & Adam are taking off from the mat at 6:58 PM. That's about all they're doing right now.
Chester & Ephraim arrive at Cocha Travel Agency, which is not only still open after 7 PM but quite generously staffed, from the looks of things. An agent taps her keyboard and pulls up a flight scheduled to land in Lisbon at 7 AM. That's less than eight hours away, accounting for the four-hour time difference, unless it's 7 in the morning after tomorrow. Better double check your dates, Team NFL.
Nicole & Travis are starting out in fourth place at 7:11 PM, and are also looking forward to Lisbon. In a pre-leg interview, Travis tells us about the stress that the race generates, "but it's still a notch down from what we do at home." Because, you know, they're ER doctors. I'm not sure if you gleaned that from the subtitles describing them as such and the fact that they talk about it a lot.
Leo & Jamal have opted to bypass the travel agency and go straight to the airport, hoping to get a jump on the other teams. This involves going into a business center, getting online, and doing bad British accents when they find a flight that goes through London's Heathrow airport. To be fair, they also book the flight, and as they high-five, an onscreen graphic tells us that they'll be landing in Lisbon at 11 AM via London. Leo says that when they see blondes, they'll tell them what they have. I'm sure they will, but what about sharing some flight information too?
Brandon & Adam arrive at the travel agency, and Chester & Ephraim greet them as "the Beard Bros." That's much more respectful than the nickname I've given them, which you may or may not recall. Anyway, they find an agent of their own at the desk to Team NFL's, and she starts working on getting passage to Lisbon for the Hairballs.
Nicole & Travis are the third team to arrive at the travel agency. Chester asides to us that it looks like only he and Ephraim will be able to get on the earlier flight. But Travis & Nicole ask their agent to book them on that flight with the 7 AM arrival the moment it pops up on the screen. The Hairballs ask the doctors what flight they're on, and are surprised to hear that Travis & Nicole are getting on the 7:00 AM flight, upon which they thought Team NFL had just secured the last seats. There's some confusion among the racers, but the onscreen graphics don't lie, and the ER docs are on the flight that transfers in São Paulo and lands in Lisbon at 7 AM. Okay, this has to be the day after tomorrow. No way is anyone traversing two airports, a continent, the Equator, and an ocean in less than eight hours. Meanwhile, Chester & Ephraim's agent tells them that the flight she told them about is, oddly enough, no longer available. Chester asks how that's possible, since the ER docs just booked it, and she points to the how the screen shows that she had them arriving on the 16th rather than the 15th. I don't know what day it is now, but either way this looks bad for them, through no fault of their own. Don't worry, though; later on they will be experiencing some negative outcomes that are their fault.
At 7:25 PM, Jason & Amy open their first clue of this leg in fifth place. In their pre-leg interview, Amy tells us that they've been dating for "over a year" and that they've been doing well on actual tasks. But as we see them riding in the back of a cab, with Amy working their driver's GPS unit for him, Jason adds that their problem seems to be with flights and taxis and other things they can't control. Right on cue, their driver gets in a minor car accident. Jason is all ready to get their stuff out of the trunk and switch cabs like a fighter pilot yanking the ejector handle, but Amy says it's cool and they're moving on. "Aaand, that is the luck that we have with cabdrivers," she says, with a winning camera smile.
Up ahead at the travel agency, Ephraim is explaining to the camera that the travel agent's mistake with the date allowed Travis & Nicole to snap up the seats that should have been theirs. Travis & Nicole aren't too upset about that as they go back out to their cab talking about how pissed Team NFL must be, not that they blame them, and not that they're going to do anything about it, either. Back inside the agency, Ephraim tells Brandon at the desk to them that they're now arriving at noon. "Ohhhh, you're gonna eat somebody!" Brandon sympathizes. Ephraim says it's all good, though Chester seems less sanguine. It looks like Brandon & Adam get on the same flight with the noon arrival time, also via São Paolo. And Travis & Nicole are looking forward to landing in Lisbon with a five-hour head start, as anyone would be. That would be like winning a Fast Forward but still getting to do everything.
Tim & Danny, the oil workers from Oklahoma, are in sixth place as they leave at 12:25 AM. They're hours behind the other teams because they were on the second (and much later) bus into Santiago during the leg. Blondes Ally & Ashley aren't far behind them, leaving at 12:27, and Ally's pretty excited about going to Portugal for reasons that will become apparent later. Tim & Marie are in eighth place as they take off at 12:33 to what Tim calls "Liz-bonn, Portugal," and get in a cab. Tim interviews that teams have been nicer to them because they have the Express Pass. What, not because of Marie's natural charm? Marie adds, "We remind the other teams, give us any useful information, and we'll give you the Express Pass." So how will that work if they get useful information from more than one team, then? Marie: "But we're not really gonna do it." Oh, that explains it.
At the airport, Leo & Jamal go up to a Cocha Travel Agency kiosk, where Jamal asks the lady behind the counter for the earliest possible tickets to Lisbon. The lady behind the counter pleasantly says she can get them there in three days. Oh, did I mention that the lady behind the counter is Amy? Chester narrates that Amy was goofing off at the desk, "And then all of a sudden she was like, 'Ephraim, you have a call.'" Wait, what? Turns out the woman from the agency felt bad enough about screwing up Team NFL's tickets to track them down and offer them a different itinerary. Now they have two connections, in Buenos Aires and Madrid, but they'll land at 7:00 AM. Assuming they make both connections, that is. Chester describes this as "dicey" and says they wouldn't normally risk it, but they think it's worth it for a five-hour jump. I'm not sure I'm entirely on board with their risk/reward calculation here.
Basketball wives Nicky & Kim are the ninth and last team to depart, at 1 AM sharp. They're so excited about going to Portugal that they sound like the blondes for a minute.
Speaking of whom, when Ally & Ashley show up at the airport with no idea what they're doing (and I'm not just assuming there -- they actually say out loud that they have no idea what they're doing), they go running up to the Afghanimals. "Give your husband a hug," Leo creeps before picking up Ally and turning her around. The blondes still want to fly with the Afghanimals, I assume because they seem to know where they're going rather than because they actually find them charming, and Jamal switches back to his bad British accent to invite the blondes to check on the availability of additional seats on their flight through London.
Then Tim & Danny show up, and the Afghanimals get the idea to invite the Okies along on their London flight as well so that the two allied teams won't actually have to compete against each other in the event something goes wrong. Theoretically, at least. After Leo & Jamal make their pitch to the Okies and leave them alone to confer, Danny says to Tim, "It seems weird, man." Yes. Yes it does. Even above and beyond the Afghanimals' baseline weirdness, which is nontrivial to begin with. But while the Okies are sure there's a catch, they haven't yet figured out what it could be. So they decide to give it a go anyway, despite the off-putting hard-sell thing that Jamal is doing. He also tells them to keep it quiet and takes his leave with an evil laugh that Danny mimics, only more evilly. But not much more.
Cut to a shot of Marie marching through the airport, complete with a military-style snare drum rat-tat-tatting on the soundtrack like she's Sue Sylvester or something. This is ridiculous, because Marie lacks Sue's cuddly personality. She comes rolling up behind Tim & Danny at a ticket counter and demands, "What're you doing, Oklahoma?" They pretend to be having no luck looking for earlier flights, so Marie presses, "You lying to me? I have the Express Pass." Which, in her world, makes her the boss of everyone. I'm surprised she doesn't bust out her headlamp and shine it into their eyes. Instead, she lets them off the hook, but now Danny is nervous about having lied to Marie, and is irritated about being put in this position. Jamal must have seen this from somewhere off-camera, because he catches up with the others and says, "Hey, you know the Oklahoma boys are gonna crack." Indeed, Danny has correctly figured out that the Afghanimals only want them along as cannon fodder for them and the blondes to beat, so they decide to get their own damn flight on their own damn initiative. On the bright side, Danny is no longer puzzling over whom to U-Turn if they get a chance later, because the Afghanimals' sneaky little stunt has just made it a no-brainer.
Nicky & Kim arrive at the travel agency and, working with the same agent who accidentally screwed Chester & Ephraim earlier (and who may yet do so again), they quickly get tickets to Lisbon on that flight through São Paolo that lands at noon and seems to be so popular with the kids these days.
Like the big boys they are, Tim & Danny manage to get themselves on a flight that will get them to Lisbon at 10:00 AM, transferring in Madrid. That beats noon via São Paolo any day.
Chester & Ephraim board their flight, and Ephraim tells the camera how great it is that they get to split from the pack and arrive at 7:00 AM in Lisbon after all. Well, theoretically. The onscreen graphic reading "Flight 1 of 3 to LISBON" seems to have its doubts, but the first plane is in the air and it's Team NFL's.
Cut to Brandon & Adam doing a happy-hoedown dance in the airport, because Team NFL's travel agent contacted them somehow and got them seats on that same flight through Madrid that lands in Lisbon at 10 AM. They're on the second plane that takes off from Santiago, along with the Okies.
Then a bunch of teams all get on the flight that will be transferring in São Paolo. Travis tells us that unlike Nicole and himself, the other teams on this plane (Tim & Marie, Jason & Amy, Nicky & Kim) have a much later connection out of Brazil, so he only hopes they don't fix that. Finally, in the early morning, the Afghanimals and the blondes get on their plane that'll be connecting in London and arriving at 11:00 AM. They take their seats with all attendant high-fiving goofiness. And look, it only took until now for everyone to finally get out of Chile.
In Buenos Aires, all does not seem well with Team NFL. They're safely on the ground, but their connecting flight to Madrid has been delayed by a whopping four hours, so now there's no way they'll catch that 7:00 AM flight from there to Lisbon. They're now looking for alternatives. And working pretty hard at it through every available avenue, from what we can see. It probably isn't helpful for me to point out that their best alternative would have been to not attempt this unnecessarily daring three-flight connection in the first place.
The most popular flight out of Chile lands in São Paolo, and Jay hollers, "Run, Forrest, run!" as he and Amy sprint through the nearly empty terminal. They're hoping to get on standby for the earlier flight from here to Lisbon, hence the rush. Tim & Marie are a little slower, but it matters not because when they arrive at the gate, it's closed and there won't be anyone at the podium to talk to about it until an hour before the flight. So for now, they just sit down to wait, which seems like a flawed strategy. And even when they see the baseball wives heading off somewhere, they don't seem to be worried about it. That's both lazy and unwise, because rather than accepting their lot, Nicky & Kim have taken some initiative and sought out the "executive lounge," where there's someone currently on duty who can get them on the top of the standby list for the earlier flight. I wasn't too impressed with the baseball wives last week, but this is how you do it, people.
Meanwhile, in Buenos Aires, Chester & Ephraim are just trying to get to São Paolo, because now the best they can hope for is to catch up with the other teams there. Once they board the flight and are congratulating themselves for having made it -- over an onscreen graphic identifying this as "Flight 2 to SÃO PAOLO" -- an announcement is made that this flight has been delayed. So, you know, oops.
At the departure gate in São Paolo, Jason & Amy and Marie (Tim's probably wandering around lost somewhere) are at the now-open podium to check on the possibility of getting standby on the flight that arrives in Lisbon at 7:00 AM. But the baseball wives show up to show the gate agent their document showing that they're already first on the standby list. Marie objects to them cutting in line, which Nicky & Kim deny doing, because as has been established, they're already on standby. "Am I missing something?" Jason asks. Clearly he is. Marie says it's not possible for the baseball wives to have gotten on standby before now, because she's so damn sure this is the only way to do it, and Kim explains, "When we got here, we figured it out." Or, to put it in a less polite but 100% accurate way, you snooze you lose.
She feels awkward about it, but I don't see where they did anything wrong, even if Marie and Jason seem to. I mean, maybe it wasn't the most politically savvy move to try to jump ahead at the podium, but they backed down on that part pretty quickly. Kim interviews unapologetically that they came to compete, and as we see from an onscreen graphic that they have indeed gotten themselves locked in on that flight landing at 7 AM, she says it was a good move. No argument here. "Why are they first? That wasn't the order!" Marie whines, as though all that matters is the order in which the teams made it to the gate. Unfortunately for Marie, it's a big wide wonderful world out there, with options that exist for other people to take advantage of even if she's not aware of them. Jason & Amy also make it on this earliest flight as a result of being the first team to show up at the podium (that they then waited at for hours for something to happen), but Tim & Marie are out of luck.
Marie interviews, "We hate them right now." I don't know if Tim feels like that, but it's not as though his feelings are ever relevant to her in any way. At the gate, Marie tells the baseball wives to their face that they're dead to her, and Jason adds, "That was a bold move, ladies." Suck it up, whiners; you got caught coasting and you got beat. Marie even has the balls to interview that there's no way the baseball wives are getting her Express Pass now. "They pulled a stunt that I would pull," she says, giving herself too much credit on top of everything else. "So it kind of lets me know that okay, now it's on." You know, Marie's pissed at the wrong people, but what else is new? Also, we just went to the first commercial break before any teams have even arrived on the continent where this leg is supposedly taking place.
Chester & Ephraim have just landed in São Paolo in the evening. While on the plane, Chester explains that they're just hoping to be able to catch the connecting flight out of here to Lisbon. But Tim & Marie are already boarding what is apparently the last flight of the day. She's sure they're in last place, unaware that Team NFL is currently dashing through the terminal to try to catch the plane…which ends up taking off without them. Oh, dear. Ephraim figures they're likely to be at least half a day behind everyone else now. But instead of giving up, they get themselves tickets for a British Airways flight leaving at 3:45 AM that'll transfer in London. "Beekman Boys Part Two, baby," Ephraim says, rather optimistically.
Morning dawns in Lisbon, Portugal, which shows off a little bit in some narration-free b-roll before the first plane lands. That's the flight with Travis & Nicole, Jason & Amy, and Nicky & Kim. They all get cabs from the airport to Martim Moniz Square to catch their tram. Meanwhile, Brandon & Adam and Tim & Danny have arrived in Madrid for their connecting flight. And then we're back in Lisbon, as both the ER docs and Jason & Amy rush out of their cabs to board Tram 28 (again, more like a streetcar in that it runs on rails and cables). The two teams wearing serendipitously matching shades of blue high-five each other over having left the baseball wives behind, though Jason thinks they might use their newly-discovered powers to stop the tram somehow. Again, guys: Nicky & Kim didn't do anything that you couldn't have done. And likely never will.
Leo & Jamal and Ally & Ashley have landed in London, as we can tell not only by the subtitles but also by "Rule Brittania" playing on the soundtrack. I don't hear Jamal continuing to irritate everyone in earshot with his bad British accent, but maybe that's because someone on the plane offered to push his face in if he didn't knock it off.
Meanwhile, in Lisbon, the tram has delivered the two lead teams to not only the top of the hill but what looks like the top of a roof. Though it might just be a high patio overlooking most of the city. Either way it's pretty damn spectacular. Here, a few guitarists and a singer are serenading a collection of large oil paintings of horse-drawn carriages. Phil explains, "Teams must now figure out that the painting is directing them to Portugal's National Coach Museum [or what the subtitles identify as Museum Nacional Dos Coches], where they'll receive their clue." The ER docs and the dating couple head out to the square where they can flag down locals to ask what it means, and luckily most of them seem to know. The teams jump into cabs to get there "rapido." Which may or may not mean in Portuguese what it means in Spanish. You'd think most of these people would have taken the opportunity to learn the language while changing planes in Brazil.
Tram 28 returns to the bottom of the hill, where Nicky & Kim have been waiting to board. When they meet the singer at the top, they scream and laugh joyously, which makes it hard to enjoy the music, but they have their clue now and need only to find someone to ask what it means.
The two lead teams have already made it to the Coach museum, which is essentially a baroque-looking hangar where a number of coaches are parked. The one matching their painting has a clue box to it, and it's for a Detour: "Tiles" or "Miles." I do appreciate the shorter Detour titles we've seen so far this season. Please keep it up. For "Tiles," the teams will have to put together a puzzle of a life-sized human figure from blue-and-white ceramic tiles, and then stand it up on a cardboard backing to get their clue from the tile master. I also appreciate learning the names of vocations I never knew existed. I mean, where do you earn a tile master's degree? "For "Miles," they'll have to use giant calipers on a huge outdoor map that's inlaid into a public square to plot the total distance that Ferdinand Magellan traveled between ten destinations around the world. They only have to get within 500 nautical miles of the right answer (16,500) in order to receive their clue. And they'll get it from someone Phil calls "the man himself," though I'm reasonably certain he's only a guy in a Magellan costume. The two lead teams decide to go attempt "Miles" together. I mean, when the race offers you a 3% margin of error, you take it.
Nicky & Kim find out almost immediately that they're supposed to go to the Coach Museum, so they cab up and head there.
In the taxi to the Miles Detour, Travis is talking about how this alliance is turning out better than he expected. When they arrive, they find the eight-foot-high calipers leaning against a support column, from which clipboards holding the list of destinations are also hanging. Since everyone gets the same list, the two teams decide to collaborate on this one. The guys carry their calipers off in search of "a big map," which is made easier to find by the presence of a dude in Renaissance garb pacing it gravely. They soon find the scale in the corner indicating that a couple of feet is 1,410 miles, and use that to calibrate their calipers. Now it's just a matter of getting started by measuring the distance from Seville to the Canary Islands, and from there on down to Cape Horn. While Nicole and Amy work together to do the math, Jason and Travis wrangle the unwieldy calipers, though Travis is also enjoying the scenery and advises the others to do the same. After they're done with arithmetic, that is.
Nicky & Kim get to the Coach Museum and get their Detour clue in third place, deciding to go with "Tiles." And at the "Miles" task, the two lead teams have gotten to the tricky bit where they have to measure the distance between two spots that are separated from each other by the edges of the map. But like most people these days, the racers are aware that the world is round even if the map isn't, so they just have to cross over to the eastern edge of the giant map (passing through a crowd of tourists) and pick up from there. When they get to the end of the itinerary, they have a total of 16,772 nautical miles. We know that's close enough, but they're a little nervous as they head over to Magellan to present their findings. He of course presents them with their clue, so they're good to go and still in first and second place. Their new clue is telling them to get to Clube Portugues de Tiro a Chumbo to find their clue. And they happily take their leave of Magellan, thanking him for discovering the world. Yeah, I think we all owe Magellan a solid for that.
The second plane lands in Lisbon, and Tim & Danny pause in the airport to explain to the camera that they're about to get in a cab. They should probably just do it, then. Brandon & Adam came in on the same flight, and the two teams have only seen each other thus far. Not that they know what that means, as usual.
Nicky & Kim's cab drops them off in what looks like Lisbon's garment district, and they soon find their way into the long gallery (or possibly the empty factory floor) where the Tiles Detour is taking place. There's one assembled tile puzzle already standing near the entrance to give them the general idea of what they're supposed to do, and also piles of tiles to blank cutouts at various spots around the room. As the baseball wives settle down to work, the music gets oddly epic as though they're heroically riding horses across the Iberian Peninsula rather than fitting together bits of ceramic on a hardwood floor. The detail of the dress is proving somewhat tricky, though, so they're practically the same thing.
Cue "Rule Brittania" again as Chester & Ephraim land in London, finally making it to the correct side of the Atlantic more than halfway into the episode. Now it's just a matter of getting to Lisbon, or at least the Continent, and as they amble through the airport they share some of their favorite British-isms, like "Cheers," "All the best," and "G'day," though Chester quickly straightens Ephraim out on that last one without causing too much of a kerfuffle or a ballyhoo, what what?
The two lead teams show up at Clube Portugues de Tiro a Chumbo, whose fancy-script sign doesn't tell us all that much about it. Basically it looks like a country club that's actually out in the country and doesn't have much club. Jason & Amy are the first to reach the box, and the Roadblock clue inside asks, "Who has a hand for slings and arrows?" This is a bit of a switch, because the race is usually all about serving up the other half of that line.
Now here's Phil, strolling through what looks like it would normally be a field, but today it appears to be besieged by a small army of Middle Ages types who are cranking up old-fashioned weapons. He says this Roadblock will give racers the chance to "fire some heavy metal, Medieval-style. This remark is accompanied by a shot of a large arrow (which, to be That Guy, has a wooden shaft) whistling through the air and striking a shield hanging from a wall. So presumably that's what they'll have to do. Phil says they'll need to first put on armor (actually just a helmet and a chain mail tunic over some padding), then use one of these weapons, called ballistas, to launch a bolt at the ten shields hanging on the wall fifty yards downrange. When they hit one, a knight will carry it over to them because it'll have their clue on the back of it. No explanation is provided on what happens if you shoot a hole in the clue and render it unreadable, but it looks like it's printed on a sticker so maybe the knight slaps it on before delivering it to the racers. Would you like me to overthink anything else for you right now, or are you good for now?
Jason and Travis take this for their teams and get into their mirror-finish helmets and armor before walking over to the ballistas. These have to be cranked up with a Gilligan's Island-style wheel before one of the large bolts can be knocked, so they get going on that. "I'm in medieval times, King Arthur style," Jason tells us. Travis's first shot goes entirely out of sight, and the fake royalty and court who are on hand as spectators give a disappointed groan. Jason's first bolt flies right into a shield, and after celebrating briefly he admits to Travis that he might have gotten lucky. Jason & Amy get their freshly perforated shield, whose sticker tells them to go Castelo dos Mouros. "This ninth-century castle towering over the city," says Phil, saving me from having to describe it, "is now the Pit Stop for this leg of the race." And you know what? The last team to check in may be eliminated.
Travis's second shot at least hits the wall, but not a shield, while Jason & Amy carry their shield back to their cabdriver to show him where to take them. They're going to be hard to catch unless they screw up somehow.
Nicky & Kim have completed laying out their puzzle on the floor, and they make quick work of transferring the tiles onto the standup cutout, which I have to assume has some adhesive on it to keep the tiles in place. They stand back to admire their work, and after a moment Kim wonders where the tile master has gotten to. He's actually five feet directly to her right, and better yet, he's satisfied with their work. He pulls the clue out of his pocket, but apparently their reputation precedes them because he waits until they're done jumping and hugging each other before he tries to wade in there give it to them. They share a quick kiss en route to the Roadblock, which I believe is customary for teams in third place.
Tim & Danny are the team to meet the Portuguese singer handing out paintings of carriages. Brandon & Adam are right behind them, so the Okies offer to work together, after pointing the Hairballs toward the clue. The four of them together are quickly able to find out that they need to get to the Coach Museum. Cooperation!
It looks like Jason & Amy's cab has reached the base of the hill upon which Castelo dos Mouros sits, and after some schmoopy banter about how Amy's the princess, they're giving their driver conflicting directions to the castle. Jason insists they check his way first before they get too far off course. Doesn't the driver live there and have an opinion of his own?
Travis misses his third shot, and Nicole hollers over to him, "Travis! Do not get frazzled!" she says, in a very frazzling tone of voice. Travis VOs that he's very competitive and doesn't like losing, but he's keeping his cool. Aaaand his fourth arrow pierces the very corner of one of the shields. The court cheers and Nicole reads their clue from the back of their shield. They take it into their cab and are soon on their way, talking about the seven-minute lead that Jason & Amy must now have. Is that all? We're reminded at length that Nicole & Travis were the first team to the mat in the first leg, but their penalty put an end to that. "Since then we have been determined to come in first," Travis says. Well, even if you do, you're still not getting two Express Passes.
Jason & Amy are in sight of a cluster of signs on a post, one of which seems to indicate to Amy that they need to turn around. Jason thinks they're still going the right way because there was an arrow pointing in what he thought was the right direction, but Amy spotted another arrow pointing to the castle in the opposite direction. This is pretty confusing, particularly when seconds count like they do now. Nicole hurries their driver along, while Amy realizes they're going downhill and that can't be right given that they're trying to get to the top of the hill. Nicole VOs that you never know what can happen between here and the Pit Stop. Well, in this case, it's a word from our sponsor.
Back from the ads, Amy is doing a slow burn as their cab circles around back to that cluster of signs, and now that they can see them again, she points out that the way Jason tried to take them leads to the pedestrian route up to the castle, not the driving route. "Oh, sorry," Jason says sheepishly. That's a sign they're only been together a year; he hasn't yet figured out that they're better off both being wrong than insisting on doing things his way. Too much risk, not enough incentive. Team NFL is learning about that this leg too.
Soon both lead teams are schlepping their paintings and shields up to the castle, making their final approach along the top of one of the outer walls to the roof where Phil is standing at the mat. The greeter, who is dressed like a crusader, welcomes them to Lisbon, Portugal, and Phil is pleased to tell them they're team number one. No "however," this time, though for the third of three legs, the team that was in the lead for the Pit Stop blew it. But Travis says they have redemption, as well as redemption after screwing up their first leg. Pssh, redemption. That and winning this leg will get them a trip to Costa Rica.
Jason & Amy are pretty impressed with the view, but not quite as impressed to learn that they're team number two. Jason takes the blame for the mistake that cost them the win, though Amy appears to be pretty much over it already.
Leo & Jamal and Ally & Ashley have landed at the Lisbon airport, and the two teams share a minivan taxi into town because they're just that cozy. Ally tells us that her grandfather was born in Portugal so she's excited to be here. "My race wife is Portuguese," Leo dorks, and Ally gives a smile that I interpret as beginning to show the strain of pretending the Afghanimals are remotely bearable. I could be projecting, though.
The Okies and the Hairballs are at the Coach Museum in fourth and fifth place, respectively. Tim & Danny opt for Miles, while Brandon & Adam prefer Tiles. So that was a short-lived partnership.
The Afghanimals and the blondes collect their paintings from the rooftop. While walking away with one, Leo is flagged down by a local who wants to tell him where it is. That's odd -- it's usually the other way around.
Tim & Marie are the team to land in Lisbon. As they get a cab, Marie VOs that there may be another team behind them or there might not be. Of course they also have the Express Pass, but they're going to try not to use it. See? In addition to all the other reasons the Express Pass is for chumps, it's just another thing to worry about when you need to be focusing on the race.
Just look at Chester & Ephraim, who already have more than enough to worry about. Namely, they're still in London and stranded by yet another delayed flight. In fact, it looks like it's not leaving until 9:15 that night, and this after every other team is already on the ground in Lisbon. Chester talks about how this is different from the NFL, in that practice and training determine how well you play on Sunday, whereas this is all stuff they can't control. Well, they could have been on a flight with Tim and Marie and at least be in the right country by now. So how did that five-hour head start work out for them?
Nicky & Kim reach the Roadblock, and Kim volunteers for it. We get to look at the Ren-Fest jugglers and stilt-walkers instead of Kim putting on her armor, but soon she's firing arrows at the eight remaining shields. The first one hits within an inch of one of them, but the Roadblock is slings and arrows, not horseshoes and hand grenades. Nicky calls out that the king and queen is watching. Kim hits a target on her second try, confirming with a knight that she's good to go before hugging him, de-armoring, and collecting their shield-clue in third place. Kim says she couldn't have done much more of that. Well, I'm so glad she found a way to whine even in a leg where they're doing well.
Brandon & Adam reach the gallery that's hosting the Tiles Detour option, and are pleased with their choice. "He lives in the woods," Brandon says. "I mean what else has he got to do other than make puzzles?" Adam leaves that one alone. And you know, I've been spent enough time in northern Minnesota cabins to know that Brandon probably has a point.
Tim & Danny arrive at the giant map, which we now see is in the shadow of an imposing monument to prominent figures in Portuguese exploration, including, naturally, Magellan. The man himself, as Phil called him, paces behind the Okies, watching them with unmasked contempt as they take their measurements. Tim wonders at first how they get from the left edge of the map to the right, until Danny reminds him that the world is round. "Most people know that these days," Danny points out in a post-leg interview, just like I said earlier. After getting their total, Danny goes up to Magellan and says his voyage was "one thousand, six hundred and twenty-five nautical miles." Magellan responds by wordlessly tearing up their sheet of paper. Fortunately they realize they just forgot a zero before going and doing it all over again, and their second guess of 16,250 is close enough to get a clue. It clearly kills Magellan inside to have to hand it over to these maroons, though.
Brandon & Adam are making jokes about the legs and the sword of the squat gentleman depicted in their puzzle, but it's soon up on the backing and they have their clue, as well as a hug for the tile master who gave it to them. For this he went to tile graduate school?
Here come Nicky & Kim to the mat, where Phil tells them they're team number three. Obviously they're thrilled, and Phil asks how they moved from the back to the front. Kim credits their airport strategy, which is absolutely correct, because it's not like they burned through the challenges or anything. Keep in mind they were on the same flight as two teams who checked in a while ago. I'm looking forward to learning the time difference in their departures week, which means we probably won't.
The Afghanimals and blondes reach the Coach Museum and decide they'll work together to do Miles. This is accomplished rather quickly and with an uncharacteristic lack of noise.
Tim & Danny reach the Roadblock, and Tim decides to let Danny take the "slings and arrows" task on account of how he's Native American. Oh…kay. But then when Danny's first arrow just grazes the edge of a shield and bounces off, Tim tells the camera, "Looks like we're gonna be here a while." Hey, that was pretty close, dude. Maybe not close enough to live up to your Native American stereotype, but still.
Tim & Marie get their painting-clue and Marie starts charming the locals, braying, "Does anyone speak English? Okay, help me! Where is that?" Does she think the waving the Express Pass in front of people works on civilians too?
Leo & Jamal and Ally & Ashley have arrived at the giant map. The Afghanimals are brimming with confidence, saying this is going to be easy and they'll give the blondes the answer when they're done. The blondes have no idea what they're doing, but they still have an advantage over the Afghanimals because at least they know they don't know what they're doing. Jamal guarantees a correct answer on the first try, but they are the first teams to be completely and permanently stymied by the fact that the map has edges. Ashley wonders how Magellan would have sailed through all the land in between. "Do you think he might have gone through the Panama Canal?" Jamal wonders, apparently thinking it's a natural feature.
In their post-leg interview, Leo cops to having "over thought" this task, which is a pretty damn charitable way to put it. Magellan rips up their first guess of 31,000, but he should really feed it to them as well. Jamal thinks it's something to do with nautical miles being different from "regular miles," and the blondes are doing even worse. Their guess of 53,500 causes Magellan to transfix them with his nakedly hateful gaze as he shreds their paper, which immediately makes Magellan my favorite explorer ever. Ashley suggests switching tasks, and the blondes head out, the Afghanimals saying they'll catch up. There's that confidence again.
Up at the Roadblock, Danny fires an arrow into a shield. It's only the second attempt we saw, but there must have been a lot more in between because the nearest knight remarks on how long it took him. "In the battlefield you would be dead," he adds cheerfully. Now they're just on the way to the Pit Stop in fourth place. They leave just before the arrival of Brandon & Adam, the latter of whom takes this Roadblock. It must be said that as much as I make fun of his grooming habits (or lack thereof), Adam looks pretty damn convincing in that medieval helmet. They're headed to the Pit Stop in fifth place, but it's a crying shame there isn't a Comic-Con or something along the way.
The blondes reach the gallery for the Tiles task, where the baseball wives' and the hairballs' tile puzzles are still standing. Ally's only regret is that they didn't start with this one, because she's sure they could have done this one a lot faster. This is correct, because I think they might be able to do this one at all.
Here's Tim & Marie at the Coach Museum. Marie opts for Tiles, and I'm starting to look for a character on my keyboard that I can use as shorthand for her snapping at Tim, "Come on!"
Tim & Danny reach the mat in fourth place, and are glad to have worked their way up in the rankings. Leo & Jamal get to the Tiles Detour, and also regret not coming here first. "Yeah, don't listen to the blonde girl," Ashley says without looking up from her tiles. "Listen to me time." The Afghanimals settle down to work while the blondes keep capitalizing on the head start they've got on their race-husbands.
Brandon & Adam are team number five, dead center in the pack. Then Tim & Marie show up at the Tiles Detour, and after some semi-tense greetings between them and the other two teams present, Marie picks out a puzzle that has the fewest small pieces. The blondes are already done, though the tile master makes them work for their clue a bit. "Bye-bye, hubbies!" they chirp on their way out. Not bye-bye forever, alas.Tim & Marie are on their hands and knees over the tiles, and she asks Tim, "Are you productively doing anything right now, or…?" Tim makes a weak attempt at an answer, but we all know it would be an exercise in futility. Leo & Jamal decide to try to psych them out, and lie that they've been working on this for two hours, and that the blondes where there three hours before them. Alas, Marie doesn't believe that for a second, and says as much to Tim. Jamal explains after the leg that the two teams don't like each other, so they were trying to trick the exes into using their Express Pass. This is a valid if rather optimistic strategy regardless of whether teams like each other.
And it's soon moot, because the Afghanimals finish up, get their clue, and carry the poor tile master around the room a bit before leaving for the Roadblock. Jamal tries to play it like it's the clue to the Pit Stop and calls out, "Bye, guys! Good luck!" Marie: "They're jerks." And whether the exes use their Express Pass or not, they already have two disadvantages. One is that they're trying to assemble their tiles on the near-vertical surface of the cutout rather than laying them out on the floor first. And the other is that Marie is impossible to work with. So tiles are falling and breaking, and they're getting pissy with each other as usual, and they're actually starting to talk seriously about using the Express Pass. If the Afghanimals actually succeed in manipulating them into pissing it away like most teams do, I might be willing to forgive them…something. I'll get back to you on what.
After the ads, Tim is voting to use the Express Pass, but Marie's not ready, and in the event of a tie the tie-breaking vote is hers. So back to the task at hand, at which she first asks why Tim isn't doing anything and then shoos him away. After the leg, she interviews how they know when a task is more in her wheelhouse, "And I'm sure there will be times coming up on the race where it's all him and I'm just gonna step back…" Tim does a double take at the obvious implication that he's done nothing so far, and tells her to hold on. "I'm trying not to make you look like a bitch," she says. Uh, she's not trying very hard. She goes on: "Like, I don't think that that's gonna happen, actually, but when people watch this at home I would like them to think that I don't think you're that terrible of a partner." I don't think she would like it that much. I now have two possible sentences to go here. One is, "Hard to believe these two kids couldn't make it work," and the other is, "Their hate-sex must be glorious." Just pick your favorite. Eventually, they (or rather Marie) get it done and receive their clue to the Roadblock. "Hopefully there's somebody still behind us," Marie says. There is, but she has no way of knowing that.
Ally & Ashley are already at the Roadblock, and apparently it's pretty much a no-brainer (luckily) for Ally to take this one in honor of her Portuguese grandpa. The Afghanimals come running up while Ashley's helping Ally into her armor, and Ally's saying her grandpa's going to be mad if she doesn't do this well. I think her grandpa's more likely to be mad that she thinks he's old enough to have ever fired a ballista at a castle wall in the first place.
Ally's first shot goes wide, as does Jamal's. He also refers to himself as "J-Weezy," which makes me want him to stand between the ballistas and the targets. Ally's second shot at least hits the wall, and then Jamal's hits a shield, which takes the Afghanimals from seventh to sixth place. Dammit. Ally cranks up for her second shot, as she VOs that her grandfather grew up in Portugal and taught her archery, which is pretty different from this. Still, Ally looks semi-credible as she set her sights on the target with one eye and hears her grandpa's voice in her head like a snarky Obi-Wan Kenobi. And she hits a shield this time, so they are still in seventh place.
Tim & Marie reach the Roadblock in eighth place, and Tim starts winding up the ballista. From the sidelines, Marie says, "If he does well on this then we won't fight because he couldn't do anything at the tile thing." This assumes, rather tellingly, that Marie is the only one initiating any fights. He nails one of the few remaining shields on the first try, lucky for him. "First shot, baby," he gloats mildly. "I was born in this era." Marie still has an impatient "come on" for him, though. As they get back in their cab, she says she'll kill herself if they're last. On the ride to the castle, she also mentions that they haven't seen any teams since the "Ice-ghanimals" and there's a good chance they're last. I actually kind of appreciate Marie coming up with the character-saving coinage "Ice-ghanimals," but I'd appreciate it more if she'd done it earlier in the episode and also if she weren't such an asshole.
So the Ice-Ghanimals run up the castle wall in tandem, Leo & Jamal waiting for the blondes but not long enough to actually let them pass. They're still making their way up the wall when Marie spots the castle through their cab window, but the alliance makes it to the mat together, in sixth and seventh place. This means more sleazy Afghanimal-ling at the beginning of the leg too. Joy.
And then Tim & Marie arrive at the mat. "Just tell us," Marie pants as Phil stretches out the moment. Finally he gravely says, "I'm sorry to tell you that you are the last team to arrive." They look completely defeated until Phil adds, "Except for one." Awesome; he hates her too. As they collapse in relief, Phil smirks to Marie that she must have got a little scared today. When she tries to downplay it, Phil totally breaks character and literally says, "Aw, COME ON," which is awesome. Marie insists that if she'd really been scared she would have used the Express Pass. "And we all know who's in control of the Pass," she says. Phil says, "I think you're in control of everything, quite frankly," and Marie agrees that she's in control of the whole race, completely unaware that Phil's fucking with her. But she's glad they still have both Express Passes. So am I, because this means more never shutting up about them. For some reason, the greeter asks Phil, "Can she trade him for me?" Hold hard and have a care for what thou wishes, Sir Shallow Hal.
So what happens is it gets dark, and one last plane lands at the Lisbon airport in what is probably pretty late at night. Chester & Ephraim step off the plane and onto the tarmac shuttle, and then start running as soon as they're inside the terminal, as though it's not all completely futile. And as though Phil isn't inside the building looking for them, which he is. "This way, guys!" he calls out to them. Team NFL abruptly changes direction and is brought up short when they find themselves standing face-to-face with Phil. "Uh-oh, that's not good," Chester understates. He admits that he's not happy to see Phil, getting a laugh from Ephraim, who probably gave this up as a lost cause somewhere over the Atlantic. Phil says, "I wish it was under better circumstances, but welcome to Lisbon, Portugal." "Finally," Ephraim says after what must have been a nightmare leg of planes, planes, and planes. I mean, even the onscreen graphics lost count of how many flights they took.
Phil tells them that all the other teams have checked in. "That means that you are officially the last team to arrive, and I'm really sorry to tell you that you have been eliminated from the race." Chester blames the flights, but Ephraim is philosophical about having had a great experience and getting to do it with Chester. "To quote the great Ricky Bobby, if you're not first you're last." Phil thanks them for coming on the race and shakes their hands, then says, "You're at an airport so it might be easy to get out of here" by way of sending them off to find a flight. "Good luck with that," he says. Way to rub it in. Or maybe Phil's just parked in the Red Zone and has to get back before he gets his ass towed. It's kind of fitting that so much of this episode took place in airports, because that's ultimately where this leg was won, lost, placed, and shown. Any actual racing in Lisbon was only between people on the same flights, and there was never a chance for anyone on a later plane to pass anybody on an earlier one. And as the episode closes in this appropriate setting, the former football players and former Amazing Racers walk off arm in arm as Ephraim says, "Can you believe we just got our asses whipped by an airport?" Well, if it helps, it wasn't just one airport. It was several, and they threw a damn blanket party.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at M.Giant[at]gmail.com.