Episode Report Card Aaron: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Dead as Folk? No. Dead as Fuck? Yes.
By Aaron | Season 2 | Episode 9 | Aired on 04.27.2002
Aaron: You know, it's just like "Get out. Now," only it's the opposite, and I'm always saying you like to do the opposite, so it's a shout-out, right?
Alan Ball: Man, what a fucking moron.
Aaron: See? You do care.
Alan Ball: Yeah. Whatever. Look, I'm a busy man. Are we going to be doing this after every fucking paragraph?
Aaron: I don't know. Am I going to be writing about Nate's brain tumor in every paragraph?
Alan Ball: Oh, for fuckety fuck's fucking sake! We've been the fuck over this. For the last goddamn motherfucking fuck time, Nate's got AVM. Arterio. Venous. Malfuckmation. It's not a fucking tumor!
Aaron: Heh.
Alan Ball: What the fuck are you laughing at now?
Aaron: "It'z naht a toomuh."
Alan Ball: Fuck you.
Over at the largest apartment ever owned by a police officer, Keith comes stumbling out of the bedroom in his robe. "Did you sleep okay?" inquires David, who's already dressed and drinking coffee. When Keith admits that he's still not sleeping, David suggests medication, because drugs are much better than "choosing to suffer when you don't have to." Keith replies with a tired "fuck you," (Fk =10) before asking if there's any more coffee left. "I really don't think you should be drinking coffee when your sleep is still so erratic," moms David. But when Keith gives him yet another dirty look, David mutters, "Suit yourself, bitch" and gets up to fetch him another cup. Heh. Meanwhile, Keith reclines on the sofa and listens to a news report about Enron until he notices a random bottle sitting on the mantle. As he gets up to investigate, we see that the news report is actually CNN playing on the TV. Ah, AOL Time Warner strikes again. When David returns bearing coffee, we learn that the bottle contains Taylor's "Gummi vitamins," which she left behind when she went back to live with Mom. Keith wants to run them over to her so he can also check and see if Karla is still klean, but David suggests that he give them some time alone first. "You need to take care of yourself right now," he says. "That's what you're for," replies the Sleepy Black Sex Cop, as he begins undressing his Fully-Awake (if you know what I mean, and I think you do) White Sex Mortician. David wonders if he "basically exists just to serve [Keith]," and Keith pretty much says that he does. They kiss.
Back at the Fortress, the two largest feet on the planet are watching The Teletubbies. It turns out that the feet are attached (albeit somewhat tenuously) to Nikolai, who's whacked out on painkillers and trying to make sense of what he sees on the screen. Aren't we all, Nikolai. Aren't we all. And can I just say that I love whoever it is that's been finding these video clips to run on the TVs this season? It's not quite a Lauren Ambrose-sized love, but it's getting close. Anyway, Ruth comes in and leaves him some lunch to eat during the day, and then she wanders into the kitchen, where she finds Claire debating whether or not Britney Spears is still a virgin. How is that even a debate? I've seen less slutty girls working the street corners near my office building, for God's sake. Mommie Drearest asks her daughter to check in on Nikolai when she gets home, but Claire lies and says she has plans with DangerSlut because "[she] figured it was better to have a total loser for a friend than no friends at all." And there's yet another reason she should be hanging out with me. Mom is buying the whole DangerSlut routine until Claire goes too far and claims they're going to visit "the Getty." "Do you think I'm an idiot?" asks Mom. "No, of course not," sighs Claire. "But it's not like I'm lying to, like, cover up my drug habit. I'm lying to get out of emptying the bedpan of some man you're sleeping with. I don't think I should have to do that." Heh. You'll never have to empty MY bedpan, Lauren. That's what Mike Binder is for. Mom gets all testy at this point, and tells Claire that she has no idea how easy her life is. "Please tell me you're not going to start talking about your legless grandmother again," says Claire. Hee! And thankfully, she's not. "I pity you, Claire," Mom says instead. "You are under the mistaken impression that life owes you something. Well, you're in for some very harsh surprises. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go fuck my legless boyfriend."