Episode Report Card Sars: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Future Tense
By Sars | Season 4 | Episode 4 | Aired on 10.24.2000
Okay, remixing the AOL "you've got mail" guy doesn't make AOL any less feeble.
Cue up the college-stress montage. In the college counselor's office, Jen "Hit The Road, Mack" Lindley, looking extremely over-self-tanned, promises to stop procrastinating on the college apps. Quick cut to Jack "My Subplot Is Dead, Long Live My Subplot" McPhee talking about football taking up his time, and he knows it won't help him get into college (yeah, right), but he started "this thing" and he wants to finish it…to Andie "One Foot In The Grave" McPhee saying that she's finished all her apps (of course) and what a relief, blah blah blah…to Joey complaining that there's a weight around her neck…to Dawson "Grease Pointe Blank" Leery whining that everyone expects him to go to film school, which he might or might not do…to Pacey objecting to the aptitude tests that place him in law enforcement…to Jack making with the funny when the counselor tells him his sister thinks he's falling behind in the application process…to Andie asking, "Are you sure there's nothing else I should be doing? Couldn't we call, or something?" You get the idea. All of them have gotten fed up with answering questions on, and thinking about, their futures. Much as we have, only three minutes into the ep.
At last, the keeee-razy editing pauses on Joey, who confides that she's the first person in her family even to apply to college. The counselor tells her that that works in her favor; elite schools look for people "with diverse backgrounds." Then she tells her that she's at the top of her class. "The top top?" Joey asks, trying to smother a grin. "Number four," the counselor tells her, adding that her board scores "are phenomenal" and she can get in almost anywhere in the country. Joey looks pleased for a moment, then narrows her eyes and asks, "And this must be where the 'but' comes in." The counselor explains that the Ivies, Georgetown, Stanford, and Duke "only accept a minuscule amount [sic] of the people that apply," and hardly anyone gets a full scholarship. All right, first of all, it's "minuscule number." Learn predicate agreement, please. Second of all -- hello. Ever heard of Sallie Mae? Rotary Club scholarships? National Merit Scholarships? Work-study programs? A little organization I like to call "the federal government"? True, the Ivies don't give full scholarships, to anyone, because they don't have to, but if a promising student is admitted, the admissions office and the bursar will bend over backwards to help that student come up with the money. I probably shouldn't talk -- I got a full ride myself, courtesy of The Dad Fund -- but almost everyone I knew at Princeton had financial help from an outside source. A good college counselor helps the kids get in and then helps them deal with the cost, instead of shooting their hopes down right away. And finally, fourth in the class in a public high school gives you carte blanche. Don't any of these writers have kids? Friends with kids? People who work at schools? A telephone? Anything? This isn't top-secret information. Everyone on our forums knows it. God forbid they develop a story arc using information that actually holds up under even the lightest scrutiny. Christ, I hate this show.
Aaaaaaanyway. Joey asks if the college counselor means that she's set her sights too high. The counselor calls it "a crapshoot," and says that she thinks Joey is "smart and talented" enough to get into the elite schools, but that Joey should prepare herself for potential disappointment. That's not bad advice, but…still. Joey smiles thinly.