Episode Report Card Gwen: D | 1 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT Troubled Water
By Gwen | Season 3 | Episode 5 | Aired on 11.21.1999
"Talk to me about roots," Ling purrs. "Oh, is it because your major muscles can only contract for five seconds, tops?" retorts Whipper. Huh? I'm so sure. On what planet do women still gibe about age or hair color, and who would ever be gauche enough to try to rank on someone's orgasm problems at a holiday dinner? It's not over, though. Whipper follows up with, "And even at that, your little throat pops a polyp?" What the? What is that even supposed to MEAN? Instead of saying, "Whatever, freak," and walking away, Ling turns to Richard and mutters, "You told her about my orgasms?" Richard hedges a little. Nelle butts in and says, "Look, if we're gonna fight..." Then Renee comes on all La Loca Big Head and tells Nelle, "Uh, you don't live here. You don't make rules." Ally tries to break it up. John is fraught. "We're here!" bellows Georgia as she and her jerk husband come through the door. Elaine sidles up to Georgia and tells her what she missed. "Hey, it is Thanksgiving," calls out Ally, all trying to be tough. Elaine, who has taken off her coat to reveal a clingy, taupe number sprinkled with sequins, offers to sing. Everyone yells "NO" at her. Ally's mom walks in bearing a long foil-wrapped object. She is played by Jill Claybourgh. Ally's dad is out parking the car. Ally's mom seems pleasantly surprised by Billy's peroxide job. She hugs him like he's an old family friend while Georgia looks on. Ally makes her quit and then introduces everyone else. Upon re-making the acquaintance of Ally's ex-classmate Richard, Ally's mom says, "He's the boy who kept touching my neck." Ally gets mad and says, "you fingered my mother's wattle?" Ling and Whipper get mad. Whipper thought that her wattle was what started Richard's fetish. Ling says "ancient wattle" and "threatened by the turkey." SHUT UP BEFORE I PUKE, PEOPLE. Richard's not even looking very attractive this evening. He's in black with gray trim, trying to sport that Chandler/Kramer retro look, but his shirt is obviously mostly polyester and it simply doesn't hang well, especially not over his black t-shirt.
"Hello, hello," says someone. "Daddy!" says Ally. Oh, no! OH NO! Ally's daddy is GEORGE! George from Georgia's secret bar! NO! Exit via the fire escape, Georgia! Run, girlfriend, run! Sink into the ground or something! Man, I totally did not see this coming, though the signs were all there. The old "he's parking the car" trick...I can't believe it fooled me. "Gasp!" says Georgia, who hasn't yet been spotted by her almost-lover. Billy struts up all ex-boyfriend-style and says, "Hey, George!" to Ally's dad. They give a second's attention to Billy's Rutger Hauer 'do, and then Billy says "blah blah my wife, Georgia." There's a big spooky sound effect as a Tupperware container falls out of George's grip in slow motion. Everyone turns to gape and Ling squints suspiciously. Strangely, the Tupperware was not only sealed, but also swathed in green cling-wrap. I wonder why. George plays it all off admirably by saying that Georgia looked just like the daughter of one of his clients. Ally's mom pops out of the kitchen and the three McBeals haggle over the heating of the stuffing. Billy asks Georgia if she's okay and she rolls her eyes as she says she's fine. Whatever. I hate the way TV shows pull this crap. A character makes a weird face for two seconds, and everyone in the room's picking up a "vibe." But if Ally were to walk back into the room wearing a fake mustache and a suit, everyone would accept that she was her own long-lost twin brother. "I'm penile psychic. Something's up," says Detective Ling. Here we go with the penis talk. Richard starts to defend himself. Ling turns, faces Richard's crotch, and says, "I wasn't talking about you." PLEASE...NO MORE PENIS TALK. Relieved Richard smiles at Whipper who pouts back while Georgia stares for no reason.